A PHIL BRODIE BAND FUN PAGE . . ENJOY

. . .Musician Jokes

>A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door
>and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
>
> "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
> "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden."
> "Bullshit! There's no such place!"
> Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden
floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
>
>The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks
>the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
>She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
> "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone."
> "Yes it is," bartender answers.
> "Do you have huge golden doors?"
> "Sure do."
> "Do you have golden floors?"
> "Most certainly do."
> "What about golden urinals?"
> There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
> "Hey,Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your
saxophone last night!"
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Every Saturday morning three mates would meet in the park while walking their dogs. One was an Architect, one was an Engineer and the other was an A&R man. They decided to see who had the smartest dog, so they gave the three dogs some biscuits and told them to "Go to work". The Architect's dog took his biscuits and built a fabulous building.... The Engineer's dog took his biscuits and built a lovely bridge.... The A&R man's dog took his biscuits, crumpled them into powder, sniffed the powder up his nose, f****ked the other two dogs and went home early!
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Two roadies were moving the cart of amps and drum cases, in order to load them back onto the tour truck The singer came by and said, "You should push the cart instead of pulling it. It's a lot easier."
So the roadies turned around and started pushing the cart.
The one said to the other, "You know, this is a lot easier."
The other replied, "Yeah, but we're getting farther away from the truck".
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Why was the piano invented, for the other musicians to put their beer on

What's better than roses on top of the piano? Tulips around your organ!

How do you get a rock guitar player to slow down? Put some sheet music in front of him!
to halt him, put dots on it.

What do you throw a drowning Disk Jockey? His amplifier

What did the musician say to the tightrope walker? You better C# or you'll B flat!
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As I walked past the grave stones I heard an eerie sound, someone was playing some classical music backwards! "What's that sound?" I asked a passing Goth. "Oh that's Ludwig Van Beethoven's grave - it sounds like he's de-composing!"
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A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was "$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason." The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it. As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned. The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said "I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!" The man said "No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed violists."
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An accordian player and banjo player happen to get a New Year's Eve gig and everything comes up "7's"....the songs are tight, the crowd is jammin', the beer is flowing, money's being made by the bushel. After the gig the club owner comes up to the two pickers and says "man....you guys were slammin' tonight...the crowd loved ya and so did I....in fact, I want you guys back for next New Years also!" The banjo players says "wow - awesome - dude!....can we leave our stuff set up???".
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A guy walks into a bar carrying a duffel bag and sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices the bag and asks the man, "What's in it?"
The man opens the bag and takes out an 12-inch tall man and a small piano and tells the bartender that this is the only 12-inch pianist on earth.
"Wow," exclaims the bartender, "how did you get him?"
"Well, it happened like this. One day I was walking on the beach and I noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a cork on it. I opened the bottle up and a genie appeared. The genie told me that he would grant me one wish and I could wish for anything. You don't think I wished for an 12-inch pianist do you?"
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A drummer goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches and reports, "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?"
The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking."
"Fair enough," replied the drummer, "I'll come back when your sober."
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A blonde singer suspects her band leader is going to audition a new lead singer, so she decides to bring a gun to practice. Overcome with grief she walks in front of everybody and puts the gun to her head. The bandleader sees the gun and yells, "No - Don't! Don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up! You're next!"
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THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR ON A MUSICIAN'S TOUR BUS...

15. God, what a kick playing all those old Glenn Miller stock arrangements
14.. I love it when the trumpet players lay back like that...it makes playing drums so easy...
13. Wow, everyone played perfectly in tune all night long, again
12. The leader got all the tempos exactly right, again!
11. Why is that cigarette shaped so funny?
10. Should we go back for the drummer?
9. Checkmate!
8. Go roll 'em down the aisle all you want. They're only cymbals.
7. So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus.
6. No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.
5. Why is there porno in the VCR?
4. Can you believe all the money we're getting?
3. Boy, I can't wait till we get to Omaha!
2. No thanks, I don't want another beer.
1. Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please.

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11 year old boy: "I wanna be a drummer when I grow up!"
Mother: "You can't be both."
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With tongue in Cheek ~ recognize any of these!!

The booking is definite

Your check's in the mail

We can fix it in the mix

This is the best dope you've ever had

Your tickets are at the door

It sounds in tune to me

Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall

I know your mic is on I checked it myself

The roadie took care of it

She'll be backstage after the show

Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo

The stage mix sounds just like the program mix

The club will provide the PA and lights

I really love the band

We'll have it ready by tonight

We'll have lunch sometime

If it breaks, we'll fix it for free

The place was packed

We'll have you back next week

Don't worry, you'll be the headliner

It's on the truck

My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album

Someone will be there early to let you in

I've only been playing for a year

I've been playing for 20 years

We'll have flyers printed tomorrow

I'm with the band

The band drinks are free

You'll get your cut tonight

We'll supply someone for the door

You'll have no problem fitting that bass cabinet in the boot of your car

There'll be lots of roadies when you get there

It's totally compatible with your current program

You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck

This is one of Jimi's old Strats

We'll definitely come to the gig

You can depend on me
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One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven:
"Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"

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Before starting a rock band. . . please note, the following names are taken:

A

Albino Toilet Boys

Alien Sex Fiend

Alcoholocaust Alcoholics

Unanimous Apocalypse

Hoboken Armageddon Dildos

B

Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings

The Band Formerly Known As Sausage

The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir

Breakfast in Beirut

Bulimia Banquet

Buster Hymen and the Penetrators

C

Caltransvestites

Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers

The Celibate Rifles

Chilli Willi and the Red Hot Peppers

Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death

D

Dead On Arrival

Dead Milkmen

The Dead Sea Squirrels

The Dead Kennedys

Death By Milkfloat

The Dick Clarks

The Dick Nixons

Drunks With Guns

E

e. coli

Eggs Over Easy

Electric Prostates

Elvis Hitler

F

Fearless Iranians From Hell

Fields of Shit

'57 Lesbian

The 4-Skins

Four Nurses of the Apocalypse

The French are from Hell

G

Gefilte Joe and the Fish

The Globs

God

Gonoreagan

Gordon The Moron

H

Headless Marines

Herpes Cineplex

Hindu Garage Sale

Hitler's Bikini

I

Immaculate Consumtive

Impaled Nazarenes

Ironing Board Sam

J

Janitors Against Apartheid

Jehovah's Waitresses

Jesus Christ Super Fly

Jesus Chrysler Supercar

Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army

K

Kathleen Turner Overdrive

Kitchens Of Distinction

L

Lack of Afro

Lesbian Ninjas

Louder Than God

M

Max Roach and the Holders

Minnie Pearl's Jam

Mr. Happy and the Genocides

Mussolini Headkick

My Dog Has Hitler's Brain

N

Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions

Nervous Christians and the Lions

Norman Bates and the Shower Heads

Not Drowning, Waving

P

Pearl Harbor and the Explosions

Phlegm Fatale

Poultry in Motion

The Pro-Midget Mafia

Psychic Buddhist Gorillas

Psycho Sluts from Hell

Pungent Frustration

Purple Headed Love Warriors

Q

The Queer Boys

Quasimodo and the Eunuchs

R

Rectal Nightmare

Reluctant Stereotypes

Reserectum

Results of Inbreeding

Retarted Elf

Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries

S

Screaming Headless Torsos

Screaming Moist Accountants

Septic Death

Seven Year Bitch

Shirley Temple of Doom

Shirley Temple Pilots

Skeptic Tank

Smegma & the Nuns

Stiff Richards

T

Temporary Darkening of the Stool

Testostertones

The Texas Nazis

Thank God We're Immortal

They Tried To Frame OJ

To Live and Shave in LA

Toxic Shock and the Tampons

Transsexual Hitler

U

Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies

The Undertakers

Unstoppable Kamikaze Iditos

V

Vaginal Davis

The Velcro Pygmies

Vic Morrow's Head

W

The Well Hungarians

Wet Willy

Willie Nelson Mandela

The Windbreakers

Y

Yoko Homo

Z

Zip Code Rapists

Zombies Under Stress

Zulu Leprechauns

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A guy is desperate to become a musician but can never seem to learn an instrument.
Finally he hears about a brain implant system and goes to enquire about it.
The salesman says "It's simple Sir we just add some genuine brain to yours
and you instantly know what the other man knew."
"OK" says the guy "how much is it?"
"We have singers brain at £1000 a ounce,
guitarists at £2000,
pianists at £3000
and drummers at £250,000."
"Wow is drummers brain that good?"
"No, but do you know how many drummers we have to kill to get a whole ounce?"

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What's the difference between a dead snake in the road
and a dead bagpiper in the road?

Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road
and a dead country singer in the road?

The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

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Why are so many musician jokes one liners?
So the band can understand them.
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What's the first thing a musician says at work?
"Would you like fries with that?"
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What do you call a musician without a woman ?
Homeless.
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Why do musicians have to be awake by five o'clock?
Because most shops close by five thirty.
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What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
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What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?
The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.
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The stages of a musician's life:
Who is . .[name?]
Get me . . [name.]
Get me someone who sounds like . . [name.]
Get me a young . . [name.]
Who is . . [name?]

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There were two people walking down the street.
One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

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A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."
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Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

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St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"

The man says, "I was a doctor."

St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"

"I was a school teacher."

"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"

"I was a musician."

"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."
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A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
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What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
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How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
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What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
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What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
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What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
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"Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind..."
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What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
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How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1."One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2. None "Hey man, I just do sound."
3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
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How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it,
and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
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How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
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Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
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How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
2. None : "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"
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How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.
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Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks,
"What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"

"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.

"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks.

Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
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Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."
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Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician ... kill me now!"
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I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.

He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."

I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.

"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"
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Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.
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A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live."

The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
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How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.
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What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.
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How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.
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How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.
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What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
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What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.
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How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
2. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
3. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
4. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
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In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
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Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
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There are some DRUMMER JOKES on Neil's page (our drummer)!!

Thanks to everyone who sends me these jokes ~ please keep them coming

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