FUNNY JOKES - March

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring & farting,
so I knew I made it home OK!
* * * * * * *
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
* * * * * * *
The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
* * * * * * *
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: Three.
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £7.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So a pack cost £7.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at around £630. 00 which, in one year, would be £7560.00, correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in one year you spend £7560.00 not accounting for inflation, then in the past 15 years you've spent £113400.00 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a savings account and with compound interest and even with the low interest rates we have been experiencing, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: That's incredible………………………Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?
* * * * * * *
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
* * * * * * *
"Have you ever had a parrot on your right shoulder?"
no...

"I bet you've had a cockatoo in there!!!!"
* * * * * * *
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I
should have taken them off.
* * * * * * *
Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says,
"I remember when your mom and I got married.
I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

"I can't wear these," she said.
"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."
"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.
He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
"Put these on," he said.

Jill replied, "I can't wear these."
"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
"I can't get in to these," he said.
"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"
* * * * * * *
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some Luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now."
* * * * * * *
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as
she likes to call it.
* * * * * * *
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify
the flavours by their colour:
Red....................... Cherry
Yellow.................. Lemon
Green................... Lime
Orange................ Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them,
none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes
* * * * * * *
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself,
I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!"
* * * * * * *
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
* * * * * * *
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
* * * * * * *
"FUCK" is the only word which can be used to express many feelings

* * * * * * *
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves
breakfast until 11:30.
* * * * * * *
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather $hit in her pants."
* * * * * * *
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
* * * * * * *
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

the poor old lady had fainted!!!.
* * * * * * *
This guy is walking down road when he came up on two Liverpool season tickets
nailed to a tree he said wow I can't believe my luck and took the two nails
* * * * * * *
THIS IS INFORMATION ON HOW TO TAKE CARE,
DURING THE WINTER WEATHER......
PLEASE FOLLOW THEM PRECISELY.

A Government warning.
Anyone travelling in icy conditions should take;
A shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, scarf, hat and gloves, 24 hours supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare batteries, road flares, reflective triangles, tow rope, a five gallon petrol jerry-can, first aid kit, and jump leads.

I looked a complete prat on the bus this morning
* * * * * * *
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
* * * * * * *
Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils. "Johnny,what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir." "How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade student should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"

"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut."

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" "Shake hands, Ma'am."

"Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK? First one: You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do." Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." "Nose."

"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver." "Arrow."

"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?" "Firetruck,Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
* * * * * * *
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous
brothers".

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're
joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... The history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer,
that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. .......John said.....
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
* * * * * * * * *
Wife by text to husband at work …

Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now the computer won't work at all !
* * * * * * * * *
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and started canvassing the neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her the green paint and everything she needed was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? Of course, she does." The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb-blonde jokes."

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. "You’ve finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's a Lamborghini!
* * * * * * * * *
A Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla
for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
* * * * * * * * *
Let's play The On / Off Game

OH!! ... or maybe lets not!!
* * * * * * * * *
HAVING A BAD DAY ??
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
---------------------------------
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00 At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
---------------------------------
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his ipod.
---------------------------------
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits Just when the clock struck 11:00, Fernando Rodriguez , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
* * * * * * * * *
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses...
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
* * * * * * * * *
A man goes to bed and reaches over to his wife.
He starts sliding his hand slowly across her back, shoulders,
then down her side just glancing her breasts
then carries on down her side and legs.
He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her inner thigh.
He moves back towards the top and stops.
His wife opens her eyes and gasps.. "Why did you stop?"
He replies "Found the remote .. Go back to sleep!"
* * * * * * * * *
Please always be safe and take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of all traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by the assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda pop, juice, energy drinks and shit like that.Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents. This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.
* * * * * * * * *
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy
looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per
pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a
whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a
fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da
talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think were thickos
from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent".

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do
all da business" said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man.
I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50
pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load em
on, so I will."

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners".
* * * * * * * * *
How tough are Australian men??

- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
One from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
* * * * * * * * *
The Arab and the Scotsman

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery,
but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally,
so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood,
a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him:
"I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW,
diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".
* * * * * * * * *
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
Now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull
the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub
the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them
apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the
hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but
I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold
the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth
Skin Extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right
side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my pussy and
stretching down to the inside of my cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
the strip. SHIT! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
Strip!

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch.
I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
Mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know
I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and
the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

I get in the bath - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilise surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the bath...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt Cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! Thank God I had brought my
mobile phone in with me.

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter. 'So, my arse and fanny are glued together to the bottom of
the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking
cheeks or hole or crack?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape
the wax off with a razor .. Nothing feels better than to have your
girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then.....
notice to my grief and despair....THE FUCKING HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL
OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing
hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

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