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* * MAR Ch . .'16 ..JoKeS * *

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened".
Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom,
and found my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender pours the guy another triple shot.
"This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again.
The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?
" The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog".

* * * * * * * * *
Q: What do you call a person that doesn't fart in public?
A: a PRIVATE TUTOR.

Q: What's the definition of bravery?
A: a man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

Q: What's the difference between Mozart and Mr. Methane?
A: One is music to your ear; the other is music from his rear.

Q: Why don't little girls fart?
A: Because they don't have assholes until they're married.

Q: What is the Definition of bravery?
A: Someone who has diarrhea and chances a fart.

Q: What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A: A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.

Q: What do you get if you eat refried beans and onions?
A: Tear Gas.

Q: What do you call a cat who likes to eat beans?
A: Puss n Toots.

Q: What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q: What did the high Priest comment before he flushed the toilet?
A: Holy Crap!

Q: Why don't you fart in church?
A: Because you have to sit in your pew.

Q: What did Britney Spears say after she let one rip?
A: "Oops I Sharted Again"

Q: What does Mitt Romney say when he farts?
A: Obama did it.

Q: What do you call "fart" in German?
A: Farfrompoopin!

Q: What is it called when Queen of England farts?
A: A noble gas.

Q: What does it mean to 'cupcake' someone?
A: Fart in your hand and put you hand in someone's face

Q: What's the difference between a museum and a Mr. Methane act?
A: One has artifacts; the other does farty acts.

* * * * * * * * *
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer.
When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.
The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.
The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers,
throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.
The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying,
"Come on you wee git, spit it out!"
* * * * * * * * *
After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks,
Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home.
After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap...
One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked.
After making great love Joe rolled over,
pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer", she said.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, Joe began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded Joe bewildered.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation"
* * * * * * * * *
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him
and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair
and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th.
I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime,
so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop.
I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
* * * * * * * * *
There's this butcher and one day as he turned to go home
a dog stopped him and there was a note in his mouth.
The note read "Can I have a steak and three sausage links please?"
The butcher took the note and gathered the things.
When he turned back around he was surprised to see a twenty dollar bill in the dog's mouth.
The dog grabbed the meat in a bag and padded off.
The astounded baker closed up shop and followed the amazing dog.
The pair soon came to a bus stop.
The dog looked at the schedule and sat down on the bench.
The first bus came and the dog got up and trotted over to the front of the bus,
looked at the number and sat back down.
Another bus came and again the dog looked at the bus number
and saw it was the right one.
He got on, the butcher closely following.
The bus rumbled on and the dog jumped up walked to the front of the bus,
leaped up and grabbed the leaver to stop the bus.
As the dog got out with the butcher in tow he set down the meat at the beggining of a walkway
and ran all the way up and banged his head against the door of a nice house.
The dog did it again and hopped up on a fence to peer in the window.
The canine knoked on the window with his head and jumped back to the end of the walkway,
grabbed the meat and walked up to the door.
The door opened and a man walked out and started to yell at the dog.
The butcher ran up to stop him.
The butcher said" what are you doing? This dog is amazing,"
"What are you talking about, This is the second time he's forgot his key!"

* * * * * * * * *
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there." He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there." He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there." He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?" "No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

* * * * * * * * *
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink".
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle
and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd.
Then hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
* * * * * * * * *
A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his ass. The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says: "Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern. I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out. The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said.. No shit!"
* * * * * * * * *
You Know Your an Alcoholic When ...
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes get a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

* * * * * * * * *
Three students from University of Michigan, Michigan State, and Ohio State went hunting.
The Buckeye brought back a big buck.
"How did you get that?" they all asked.
"I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and 'boom' I shot a buck"
Then the Wolverine brought back an elephant.
"How did you get that?" they all asked.
"I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and 'boom' I shot an elephant"
Then the Spartan came back all beat up.
"What happened?" they all asked.
"I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and 'boom' I got hit by a train."

* * * * * * * * *
An old lady got on an elevator in a very lavish building,when a young woman gets on smelling of perfume. The woman turns to the old woman and arrogantly says "Romance by Ralph Lauren $150.00 an ounce!"
Then another young woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly says "Chanel#5 $200.00 an ounce!"
About 3 floors later,the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator, but before she leaves, she looks at both women in the eye, Farts and says "Broccoli 49 cents a pound!"

* * * * * * * * *
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work.
They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink.
The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second.
They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet.
On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder. "Let me explain" the man continued,
"Do you have a goldfish at home?" A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden."
The builder nodded his agreement.
So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained,
"That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish,
I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents.
On returning to the bar the other builder asked,
"I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist.
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued,
"Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a tosser then!"

* * * * * * * * *
A couple was having quarrel in their hotel bedroom and the man calls the manager and says
"I'm having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window please come fast" Manager:"I am sorry sir this is your personnal issue, please solve it by yourself"
Husband: "No .. this is a maintaince issue, the window is not opening"
* * * * * * * * *
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.
After years of this, the wife wants him to quit;
she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box.
She says "I want you to see this"
She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear,
"what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
* * * * * * * * *
Golfing Talk
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Damn, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

 

* * MAR Ch . .'15 ..JoKeS * *

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went
every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and
Easter and once in awhile, he went on one of the other Sundays. On
one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he
noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.
Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,
"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up
his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the
finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena,
vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after
dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of
cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his
Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel
with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and
there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel
and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in
the bed, her curls on the pillow.
"Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.
He shook Lena and she woke up.
"Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going
to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem.
You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"

***************
What makes life 100 percent?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z can be represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = only 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = only 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

However,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

And look how far ass kissing will take
you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Therefore, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you
close; BUT attitude, bullshit and ass kissing will put you over the top.
***************
Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years.
After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat "We have
been friends for years and years and if I should die before you
do would you do me a favor? Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey
you can find and pour it over my grave." Pat replied, "I would be glad
to do that for you my old friend. But would you mind if I drink it first?"
***************
What do you get if you cross a giant Easter egg with a ride on a rollercoaster?
An upset tummy!
***************
Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?
Mother Rabbit: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.
Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician’s hat.
***************
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The
two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we
went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name
of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally
said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you
love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns." "Do you
mean a rose?" "Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen
and yelled ... "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went
to last night?"
***************
Jack O'Leary, drunk, staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest
coughs a few times to get his attention but Jack just sits
there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
Jack mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no toilet paper
on this side either"
***************
"DUMB BROTHER...."
A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep
coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees
that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the
doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had
twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother
came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an
idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well,
what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess
I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks
the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies,
"Denephew."
***************
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny.
***************
What’s pink, has five toes, and is carried by the Easter Bunny?
His lucky people’s foot!
***************
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked
over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang
doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view
mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple
seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
still working on that damn makeup!!!

Well I'm a man but this sight scared me so badly, I dropped my
electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using
my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone
away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs,
splashed and burned me in a sensitive spot, ruined the damn
phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
LOUSY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
***************
"POOR MILDRED...."
Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was getting more and more
despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the
decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so
badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ
and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her
doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart
would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the local hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.
***************
A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself.
"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show
her you're the boss."

The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait to try
the doctor's advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook
his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're
taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you
get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes.
Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you're going to stay
home where you belong. And another thing...you know who's going
to comb my hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "The undertaker."
***************
What do you get if, on a boiling summer's day, you seal up the windows of a convent with superglue?
Hot cross nuns
***************
Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!
***************
Father O'Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the
window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful
day outside and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the
middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police
station.
The conversation went like this:
"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?"
"And the rest of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be after sending a couple o' yer lads to take care of the
matter?"
Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of
the conversation proceeded:
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father
O'Malley replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin!
***************
"BLONDE JOKES...."

1 . Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed
to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.

2. Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

4. What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow stepped on her.

7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for French fries.

8. Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to amuse.

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammer.

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air?
She missed.

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear?
Data transfer.

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light
bulbs?
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

16. Why are the Japanese so smart?
No blondes.

17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
You get to park in the Handicapped Zone.
***************
A Polish guy married a Canadian girl after he had been in
Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from
perfect, they got on very well until one day he rushed into
a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce
for him - "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend
on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, un acre und half.
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I gut proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: Ya, ya ..I have here, she bought this bottle at drug store, und put on shelf in bathroom.
You cun read for yaself - it sez "Polish Remover"
***************
What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
The first Rabbit to lay an egg.
***************
Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into your mouth?”
“Because it doesn’t taste as good if I stuff it in my ears.”
***************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is
broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to
you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you
have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's left breast, and a
thing of rare beauty it is, but useless in a fight.
***************
What will the Easter Bunny be doing after Easter?
One to three for breaking and entering.
***************
What did the easter egg say to the boiling water?
It’s going to take a while for me to get hard… I just got laid by a chick!

* * MAR Ch . .'14 ..JoKeS * *

Top ten list of things to do to prepare for the ski
season: (And to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.)

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in
the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards,
burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the
ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of
skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking
for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in
your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a
hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and
ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate
your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's
in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

3.Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let
the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're
skiing in front of a snowmaker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed
to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
* * * * * * * * *
"SIGNS...."

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully,
we'll wait."

On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to
take a leak."

In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will
assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian
except the dog."

At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're
looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your
feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll
hear you coming." In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your
pants here."

On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman,
and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send
in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to
take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry,
come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a
pin drop."

In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want."

At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone
in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our
waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be
prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Sisters of Mercy."

On a long established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on
the same spot."

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person
to leave please see to it that the perpetual light is extinguished."

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament - Ears Pierced."

In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your
wife, let our washing machine do the dirty work."

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this
road is impassable."
* * * * * * * * *
It was the final examination for an introductory English
course at the local university. The examination was two
hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor
was very strict and told the class that any exam that was
not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted
and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a
student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam
booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor
stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and
began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the
exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except
the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later,
the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at
his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his
exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The
student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of
superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of
the room.
* * * * * * * * *
Two little boys were at school and heard the word "penis"
while they were playing on the school yard. One asked the
other if he knew what a penis was.

The kid said he didn't know but would ask his dad when he
got home. That evening, the little boy asked his dad, "
Dad, what's a penis?" His dad said, " Son, I'll not only
tell you, I'll show you."

So they go into the bathroom. His dad lowers his pants and
proudly announces, "Son, that's a penis. Not only is it a
penis, but it's a perfect penis!"

The next day at school the little boy finds his friend and
they go to the bathroom together. The boy lowers his pants
and says, " See that? That's a penis. " He pauses for a moment
and adds, " Not only is it a penis, but if it were two inches
shorter, it would be a perfect penis."
* * * * * * * * *
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny
town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting
in their pews and talking about their lives, their families,
etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the
church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from
the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused
Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you
know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked,
"Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't
you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Because I have
been married to your sister for over 53 years."
* * * * * * * * *
"THE SHORTEST EVER, BOOKS...."

19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for History Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette and Fine Dining
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Book

And the number one World's Shortest Book:
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Honorary mentions: * Good American beers: An overview

* The Ultimate List of Good English Lovers

* The German book of humor

* Popular AOL- users on the net
* * * * * * * * *
Why do hunters make the best lovers?

Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once,
and they eat what they shoot.
* * * * * * * * *
"THINGS THAT BOTHER ME...."

When something is "new and improved", which is it?
If it's new, then there has never been anything
before it. If it's an improvement, then there must
have been something wrong with it before.

People who are willing to get off their ass to search
the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk
to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake
and eat it too". What good is a goddamn cake you
can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake
instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you
look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking
after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and
where are they?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't
really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

People who point at their wrist while asking for
the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where is
yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the
bathroom is?
* * * * * * * * *
"TOP 10 LINES FROM UPCOMING TNG, THE ENTERPRISE STOPS AT TACO BELL...."

10) (Troi) I sense... indigestion.

9) (Picard) Don't order the fajitas, Number One,
they'll go through you at warp nine.

8) (Wesley, guest starring) Look, mister, the sign
says you get a free "Little Orphan Annie" cup with
any taco salad purchase, and I'm not leaving here
till I get one!

7) (Worf) Klingons do NOT eat burritos!

6) (Geordi) I bet if I allowed anti-matter to collide
with these chimichangas we could boost warp power by
27 percent!

5) (Dr. Crusher, pointing tricorder at a taco)
Inconclusive meat readings, Captain.

4) (Picard) You're on, Number One. Whoever can squirt
the most jalapeno sauce up his nose gets treated to
dessert.

3) (Riker) What do you mean you don't serve tokelau here?
What kind of Mexican restaurant is this?

2) (Data, re-joining Geordi after bugging Picard with a
boring monologue on the history of the enchilada) I
do not believe it is physically possible for me to
place an enchilada in the area suggested by the Captain.

1) (Picard) When we get back on the ship and you have the
conn, Number One, you'd better not queef on my chair!
* * * * * * * * *
There once was a young woman who went to confession.
Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me
Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad
passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take
seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then
drink the juice.

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
* * * * * * * * *
One would think that 99.9% accuracy rate would be great,
wouldn't one? Well.... read the below statistics.... But
please don't ask me for the source!!

If 99.9% is good enough then....

* 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily
* 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year
* 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour
* 2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year
* 2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers
* Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be
unsafe every day
* 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled
* 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this
year
* 880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have
incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips
* 103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly
during the year
* 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat
* 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly
* 3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be
missing one of the three sections
* * * * * * * * *
>At the end of the tax year,
>
> the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
>
> While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
>
> "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
>
> What do you do with the candle drippings?"
>
> "Good question", noted the Rabbi.
>
> "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers,
>
> and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.
>
> "Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
>
> unusual question had a practical answer.
>
> But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
>
> "What about all these biscuit purchases?
>
> What do you do with the crumbs?"
>
> "Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was
>
> trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
>
> "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers,
>
> and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
>
> "I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
> the know-it-all Rabbi.
>
> "Well, Rabbi", he went on,
>
> "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from
>
> the circumcisions you perform?
>
> "Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.
>
> "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS,
>
> and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

* * * * * * * * *
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration? The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'its a bet. Grandpa removes his
glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye. Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the
bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so
he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The
auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars
that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be
happy about it.'

* * * * * * * * *
A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?


I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own % ucking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.
* * * * * * * * *
It seems that when the good Lord was making the world,
he called man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of
normal sex life. Man was disappointed, but the Creator
refused to budge.

The Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years of
normal sex life also. "But I don't need 20 years,"
said the monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up
and said, "May I have the other ten years?" The monkey
agreed.

The Lord called on the lion and also gave him 20 years.
The lion, too, only wanted 10 years, so again the man
spoke up and asked if he could have the lion's extra
10 years. The lion also agreed.

Then came the donkey, who was also given 20 years. Like
the others, 10 years was enough for him. Man again asked
for the spare 10 years, and he got them.

This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life,
10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it,
and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself.

* * * * * * * * *

* * MAR Ch . .'13 ..JoKeS * *

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring & farting,
so I knew I made it home OK!
* * * * * * *
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
* * * * * * *
The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
* * * * * * *
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: Three.
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £7.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So a pack cost £7.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at around £630. 00 which, in one year, would be £7560.00, correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in one year you spend £7560.00 not accounting for inflation, then in the past 15 years you've spent £113400.00 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a savings account and with compound interest and even with the low interest rates we have been experiencing, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: That's incredible………………………Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?

* * * * * * *
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
* * * * * * *
"Have you ever had a parrot on your right shoulder?"
no...

"Have you ever had a parrot on your left shoulder?"
no...

"Open your mouth"

"I bet you've had a cockatoo in there!!!!"
* * * * * * *
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I
should have taken them off.
* * * * * * *
Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says,
"I remember when your mom and I got married.
I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

"I can't wear these," she said.
"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."
"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.
He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
"Put these on," he said.

Jill replied, "I can't wear these."
"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
"I can't get in to these," he said.
"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"

* * * * * * *
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some Luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now."
* * * * * * *
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as
she likes to call it.
* * * * * * *
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify
the flavours by their colour:

Red....................... Cherry
Yellow.................. Lemon
Green................... Lime
Orange................ Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them,
none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes
* * * * * * *
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself,
I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!"
* * * * * * *
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
* * * * * * *
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
* * * * * * *
"FUCK" is the only word which can be used to express many feelings

Revenge: Fuck you

Failure: I'm fucked

Anxiety: What the fuck is happening

Anger: Get the fuck out of here

Curious: How the fuck did you do that

Love: She is fucking beautiful

Lust: Aah fuck me baby

Pride: I am a fucking genius

Victory: I won that fucking competition

Sad: Why the fuck does this happen to me

Confused: What the fuck

By this time you will be thinking this is 1 fucking great status

* * * * * * *
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves
breakfast until 11:30.
* * * * * * *
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend.

"So what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather $hit in her pants."
* * * * * * *
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
* * * * * * *
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

the poor old lady had fainted!!!.
* * * * * * *

This guy is walking down road when he came up on two Liverpool season tickets
nailed to a tree he said wow I can't believe my luck and took the two nails
* * * * * * *
THIS IS INFORMATION ON HOW TO TAKE CARE,
DURING THE WINTER WEATHER......
PLEASE FOLLOW THEM PRECISELY.

A Government warning.
Anyone travelling in icy conditions should take;
A shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, scarf, hat and gloves, 24 hours supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare batteries, road flares, reflective triangles, tow rope, a five gallon petrol jerry-can, first aid kit, and jump leads.

I looked a complete prat on the bus this morning

* * * * * * *
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
* * * * * * *
Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils. "Johnny,what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir." "How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade student should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!"

"OK,what does a dog do that a man steps into?" "Pants."

"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut."

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" "Shake hands, Ma'am."

"Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK? First one: You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do." Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." "Nose."

"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver." "Arrow."

"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?" "Firetruck,Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
* * * * * * *
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous
brothers".

* * * * * * * * *
* * MAR Ch . .'12 . . JoKes * *

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're
joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... The history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer,
that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. .......John said.....
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
* * * * * * * * *
Wife by text to husband at work …

"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now the computer won't work at all !
* * * * * * * * *
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and started canvassing the neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her the green paint and everything she needed was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? Of course, she does." The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb-blonde jokes."

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. "You’ve finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's a Lamborghini!

* * * * * * * * *
A Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla
for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
* * * * * * * * *
Let's play The On / Off Game

1809 : Abraham Lincoln
1865 : Abraham Lincoff

1940 : John Lennon
1980 : John Lennoff

1963 : Whitney Houston
2012 : Whitney Houstoff

1958 : Michael Jackson
2009 : Michael J….


OH!! ... or maybe lets not!!
* * * * * * * * *
HAVING A BAD DAY ??
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
---------------------------------
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00 At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
---------------------------------
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his ipod.
---------------------------------
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits Just when the clock struck 11:00, Fernando Rodriguez , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
* * * * * * * * *
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses...
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
* * * * * * * * *
A man goes to bed and reaches over to his wife.
He starts sliding his hand slowly across her back, shoulders,
then down her side just glancing her breasts
then carries on down her side and legs.
He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her inner thigh.
He moves back towards the top and stops.
His wife opens her eyes and gasps.. "Why did you stop?"
He replies "Found the remote .. Go back to sleep!"

* * * * * * * * *
Please always be safe and take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of all traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by the assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda pop, juice, energy drinks and shit like that.Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents. This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.

* * * * * * * * *
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy
looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per
pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a
whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a
fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da
talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think were thickos
from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent".

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do
all da business" said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man.
I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50
pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load em
on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners".
* * * * * * * * *
How tough are Australian men??

The scene is set

- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
One from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
* * * * * * * * *
The Arab and the Scotsman

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery,
but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally,
so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood,
a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him:
"I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW,
diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".

* * *
* * * * * *
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
Now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull
the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub
the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them
apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the
hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but
I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold
the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth
Skin Extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right
side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my pussy and
stretching down to the inside of my cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
the strip. SHIT! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
Strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? WTF!!

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch.
I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
Mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know
I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My arse is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and
the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the bath - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilise surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the bath...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt Cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! Thank God I had brought my
mobile phone in with me.

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter. 'So, my arse and fanny are glued together to the bottom of
the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking
cheeks or hole or crack?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else as well.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape
the wax off with a razor .. Nothing feels better than to have your
girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then.....
notice to my grief and despair....THE FUCKING HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL
OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing
hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

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