FUNNY JOKES - March

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
* * * * * * * * *
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
* * * * * * * * *
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three
Who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
Syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A:
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
Martinis a day.

Candidate B:
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
College and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening..

Candidate C:
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks
An occasional beer and never committed adultery.

>>

>>

>>

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it?
Makes a person think before judging someone.
* * * * * * * * *
John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked he sopts a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."

Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"

The manager asks why and John replies "I'm 60 years old, I get an erection once a week but I fart 20 times a day !!"
* * * * * * * * *
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
* * * * * * * * *
There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't!!
* * * * * * * * *
(o)(o) perfect breasts

( o Y o ) poses for SCORE magazine breasts
* * * * * * * * *
Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It's arse!

Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.

Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 3 Stone !
* * * * * * * * * *
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level.

"I'm drowning, you freakin moron...!"
* * * * * * * * *
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
>
>
>
> This is how it manifests itself:
>
>
> I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car
> and decide it needs washing.
>
> As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected
> from the letter box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I
> wash
> the car.
>
>
> I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under
> the table, and notice that it is full.
> So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish
> first.
>
>
> But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out
> the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
>
>
> I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque
> left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so
>
> I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been
> drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside
> so
> that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>
> The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it
> cold.
>
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
> worktop
> catches my eye - they need water.
>
>
> I put the Coke on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've
> been
> searching for all morning.
>
> I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
> The
> flowers. I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with
> water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the
> kitchen table.
>
> I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote
> control, but I
> won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back
> in
> the front room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
>
> I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
> floor.
>
> So, I set the remote control back on the table, get some towels and wipe
> up
> the spill.
>
> Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
>
>
>
> At the end of the day:
>
>
>
> - the car isn't washed
>
>
> - the bills aren't paid
>
>
> - there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the worktop
>
>
> - the flowers don't have enough water
>
>
> - there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
>
>
> - I can't find the remote control
>
>
> - I can't find my glasses
>
>
>
> - and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
>
>
> Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
> baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
>
>
> I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
> but first I'll check my e-mail.
>
>
> Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know,
> because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
>
>
> Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
>
>
>
> Now where was I?
* * * * * * * * *
Amateurs ... Built the ark.
Professionals ... Built the Titanic
* * * * * * * * *
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how
is everything going?' enquired God. 'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied.
'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one
problem.
It is these three breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the
other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them
on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came
in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only
two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.
'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you
know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half
of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And
God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see
all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.
All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'you know, Eve, you are right. How could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a
man from a part of you. Now let's see............

where did I put that useless tit?

Now doesn't T H A T make more sense than all that crap about a spare rib?
* * * * * * * * *
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag
Why is a divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts
What do you call a smart blond? A golden retriever
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities
What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? Forty five pounds
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? Forty five minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year the dog is still excited to see you
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has pricks on the outside
What did the blond say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? Different bar
What do you call an Italian who has one arm shorter than the other? Speech impediment
How do you get a sweet 80 year old lady to say the F word? Have another 80 year old lady yell BINGO!
Why is there no Disney-land in China? No one's tall enough to ride the good rides
* * * * * * * * *
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About
two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house.

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.

* * * * * * * * *
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl
are in the same bar

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he
throws his glass in the air, pulls out his
pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, In Mexico, our glasses are so
cheap we don't need to drink with the
same one twice.

The Arab, obviously impressed by this,
drinks his beer, throws it into the air,
pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the
glass to pieces. He says, In the Arab World
we have so much sand to make glasses that
we don't need to drink with the same
one twice either.

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber,
picks up her beer, downs it in on gulp,
throws the glass into the air, whips out
her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the
Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on
the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
In America we have so many illegal
aliens that we don't have to drink with
the same ones twice.

* * * * * * * * *
CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

* * * * * * * * *
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped
She keeps it in the trunk.
* * * * * * * * *
*Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were
swimming around. *

*The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area. *

*Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about
being eaten.'
*

*Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by
his old mate. *

*Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of
his sad plight. *

*While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.*

*He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and
behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. *

*With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail. *

*Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see
his old pal. *

*'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to
the enemy & became a shark', came the reply. *

*Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set off to Christian's abode. *

*He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend,
come out and see me again.' *

*Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.' *

*Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.'.......... *

* * * * * * * * *
THE WIFE WAS MOANING AT ME THE OTHER DAY FOR USING HER TOOTHBRUSH.......IF ANYONE OUT THERE KNOWS A BETTER WAY TO GET DOGSHIT OUT OF THE SOLES OF MY WELLIES..IM ALL EARS

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in your belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'body's gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shifty yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek

But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvnae shit my breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wiz him! I shout with accusin glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e'ere ye go let yer wind gan' free
Sounds like just the job fur me
Whit a fuss at rabbie's party
* * * * * * * * *
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
* * * * * * * * *
The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

* * * * * * * * *
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
* * * * * * * * *
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
* * * * * * * * *
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

* * * * * * * * *
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'
* * * * * * * * *
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.

The realization of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he repay his Bank loans.

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. 'You know who that was don't you?' asked the passer-by.

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'That was Thora Hird.'

* * * * * * * * *
A husband read an article to his wife about
how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because
we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
"What?"
* * * * * * * * *
Two sweethearts who went out together for four years whilst at college were both virgins and they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in their final year When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same Uni, but the girl was accepted to Oxford and the guy went to Cambridge.They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters and emails trying to win back her love.She became annoyed and because she had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a picture of herself giving her new boyfriend a blow job and e-mailed it to the dumped boy friend with a text reading, "I found a new boyfriend, get lost." ,Needless to say, he was heartbroken, but, even more so, was really really pissed off. So, what he did next was awesome.

He downloaded it and took a print, then wrote on the back, Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at Uni, please send more money! and mailed the picture to her parents.

Ower the sake o one wee farty
* * * * * * * * *
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
* * * * * * * * *
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
'Free to good home. You want it, you take it..'
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true,
so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50..'

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

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