A PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGE . . ENJOY
updated for May 2013
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Thoughts & Quips
For Those Who Take Life Toooo Seriously

NEW ONE EVERY MONTH
unless PC has the monk on!
If you would like to contribute to this page I am only an email away

*They say love is blind . . . so why is lingerie so popular
*You're in a vehicle going the speed of light . . . what happens when you turn on the headlights
*The one who is talking to you about me today . . . is the one who will be talking to me about you tomorrow
* Life is short . . . smile while you still have teeth
* May all your troubles last only as long as . . . your New Year's resolutions
* Christmas: which will give out first . . . your money or your feet
* My ex is living proof . . . as to how stupid I can be
* Never go to a doctor . . . whose office plants have died
* Mother of a teen ?? . . . well, you now know why some animals eat their young
* Life is uncertain . . . eat dessert first
* The hardest thing to open . . . is a closed mind
* Whatever it is that is eating you . . . it must be suffering horribly
* Thoughts on birth . . . choose the stork
* A Man's Ultimate embarrassment . . . running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose
* If I agreed with you . . . we'd both be wrong
* Over the hill . . . is better than under it
* Time is the best healer . . . but . . . it kills all it's students
* Santa Claus has the right idea . . . visit people only once a year
* Natural stupidity is better than . . . artificial intelligence
* Live each day like it's your last . . . one day, you'll get it right
* Ever had amnesia and deja vu at the same time . . . I think I've forgotten this before
* By the time you find greener pastures . . . your too old to climb the fence.
* Rich men get divorced . . . poor men get an allotment.
* Stealing someone else's words . . . spares the embarrassment of eating your own.
* I don't eat health foods at my age . . . I need all the preservatives I can get.
* It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
* I wish the buck stopped here . . . I could use a few.
* If you think nobody cares . . . try missing a couple of payments.
* An unbreakable toy is useful . . . for breaking other toys.
* Learn from the weather . . . it pays no attention to criticism.
* If all is not lost . . . well, where the heck is everything?
* A good customer . . . never buys on special or gets a discount.
* If quizzes are quizzical . . . what are tests?
* Lead me not into temptation . . . I can find my own way there.
*People took LSD to make the world weird . . . now they take Prozac to make it normal.
*A knight in shining armour can . . . turn out to be a retard in tin foil.
*Life . . . is sexually transmitted.
*Effective way to remember the wife's birthday . . . forget it once.
*He loves nature . . . in spite of what it did to him.
*A hair on the head . . . is worth two on the brush.
*Why are stairs inside . . . and steps outside?
*I maybe a lonely scitzophrenic . . . but at least we have each other
*LOL or . . . I don't want to talk anymore
*Bad decisions . . . make good stories
*If money is the root of all evil . . . why do churches e.t.c. keep begging for it
*Experience is something you don't get until . . . just after you need it.
*Some days we are the bloody flies . . . some days we are the windscreen
*Without order nothing can exist . . . without chaos nothing can evolve
*Four out of every three people . . . have trouble with fractions
*If you loose your left arm . . . your right one will be left
*Ever stop to think . . . And forget to start again
*Very funny Scotty . . . now beam up my clothes.
*I wonder how many people . . . own the Earth's core . . . and who's at the bottom of my garden.
*At the end of every party . . . there is always someone crying
*Remember . . . morning 2 eggs, evening 2 pegs, night 2 legs
*Experience is what you get whenever . . . you don't get what you want
*Smile . . . makes people wonder what you're up to
*If you're going through Hell . . . keep going.
*Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday.
*Hell hath no fury like . . . the lawyer of a woman scorned.
*If you have somethink to say, raise your hand . . . and place it over your mouth.
*If you think experts are expensive . . . wait and see what amateurs cost you.
*Afraid of doing too much . . . then you'll always do too little.
*Frustration is when you have ulcers . . . but still aren't a success.
*If the hokie-pokie isn't really what it's all about . . . what then, huh ?
*If you can't be a good example . . . you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
* Behind every successful man is . . . a very surprised woman.
*All the world's a stage . . . I seemed to have missed the rehearsal.
*I read about the evils of drinking . . . so I gave up reading.
*A fool and his money are soon . . . partying.
*Time is the best healer . . . unfortunately, it kills all its patients.
*I get enough exercise . . . just pushing my luck.
*Despite the cost of living . . . it still remains so popular.
*Where there's smoke . . . you'll find me cooking dinner
*If today is the first day of the rest of your life . . . what the hell was yesterday?
*I chose the path less traveled . . . but only because I was lost.
*Ever stop to think . . . and forget to start again?
*Learn from your parents' mistakes . . . use birth control.
*A torch is a case . . . for keeping dead batteries and bulbs in.
*If at first you don't succeed . . . then skydiving isn't for you.
*Nothing's impossible for those . . . who don't have to do it.
*Given the capacity to be stupid . . . people will be.
*Some of the biggest gifts . . . come in the smallest birds
*Never take your sleeping tablets . . . at the same time as your laxitive tablets
*Get the facts first . . . you can distort them later
*As an outsider . . . what do you think of the human race.
*If everything is relative . . . what is everything else
*If practice makes perfect . . . how do you explain taxi drivers
*Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird . . . sleep late.
*A conscience is what hurts . . . when all your other parts feel so good
*My kids to me are the reason for everything . . . out of place, broken and dirty
*If you are going to walk on thin ice . . . you might as well dance
*You're just jealous . . . the voices only talk to me
*It takes many nails to build crib . . . but one screw to fill it
*Saving for that rainy day . . . chances are you'll stay at home.
*Friends are those rare people who ask how we are . . . then wait to hear the answer
*Never chase after person, bus or train . . . another one will always come along
*Work fascinates me . . . I could sit and watch it for hours
*Don't let aging get you down . . . It's too hard to get back up
*Why don't you slip into something more comfortable . . . like a coma
*Sometimes I need what only you can give me . . . your absence
*You are only young once . . . but you can stay immature indefinitely
*If they sound cute on the phone . . . add two stone
*Time flies like lightning . . . Fruit flies like bananas
*How does eating a pound box of chocolates . . . make you gain 5 lbs!
*When you're in it up to your ears . . . keep your mouth shut!
*Don't cry because it's over . . . smile because it happened
*My mind works like lightning . . . comes in flashes
*You laugh at me because I'm different . . . I laugh at you because you're all the same
*Forget the Joneses . . . I can't keep up with the Simpsons
*Living on this planet is getting so expensive . . . but it does include a free trips around the sun.
* Whoever said love was easy . . . couldn’t be more wrong! - Lauren-Elise Brush
*I don't suffer from insanity . . . I enjoy every minute of it
*I childproofed my house . . . but they still get in.
*We got rid of the kids . . . the cat was allergic.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is . . . simply to serve as a warning to others.
*We divorced over our religious differences . . . he thought he was God and I didn't.
*Have you ever noticed the people who tell you to calm down . . . are the ones that got you mad in the first place.
* Remember everyone you meet . . . is fighting some sort of battle too.
*As you journey through life take a minute every now & then to give a thought for the other fellow . . . they could be plotting something
*You just want to have your cake and eat it . . . to right, what good is a cake if you can't eat it?
*Don't know what your problem is . . . but I bet it's hard to pronounce
*When you go into court . . . your in the hands of twelve people that aren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
*Everything I can't find . . . I know is in a very secure place
*Don't go to bed angry . . . stay up and plot your revenge
*God makes the animals . . . Man makes himself
*Always remember you are unique . . . just like everyone else
*I can easily tell when he's lying . . . his lips move
*You've kept that fabulous figure all these years . . . and greatly added to it.
*Give your money to charities . . . the ones you'll need in old age
*Happiness is good health and . . . a bad memory
*I'm so cared for . . . eye care, long term care, private care, dental care..........
*Experience is a wonderful thing . . . you recognize a mistake when you make it again
*Borrowing money . . . find a pessimist
*Computers can do things really fast . . . like get you angry
*I gave up jogging for health reasons . . . my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire
*The rewards of age . . . are not for wimps
*Someone who thinks logically . . . is a nice contrast to the real world
*Trust in God, God understands all . . . except for legal small print
*Whatever hits the fan . . . never gets evenly distributed
*If ignorance is bliss . . . why aren't more people happy?
*Some things are just better rich . . . coffee, chocolate, men
*Beauty is in the eye of . . . the beer holder
*I still miss my ex . . . but my aim is getting better
*Treat your friend like . . . a parachute
*It's 'only' a game . . . 'only' if your team is winning
*A message to all virgins . . . Thanks for nothing
*Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes . . . then you'll be a mile away from them and you'll have a new pair of shoes
*It's not a very good idea to lie . . . especially if you're in the middle of the road.
*If you look like your passport pic . . . you definately need the trip.
*Some days you're a pigeon . . . and some days you're the statue.
* Being punctual everytime . . . people will think you have nothing better to do.
*All good Christians go to church on Sundays . . . does going to a garage make you a mechanic.
*Ever been scared half to death . . . well don't do it twice.
*Housework?? . . . I sweep the room with a glance.
*I love cooking with wine . . . sometimes I even put it in the food.
*I try to take one day at a time . . . but sometimes several days attack me at once.
*A minute can seem such a long time . . . depending on which side of the bathroom door your on.
*It is tougher to loose weight as we age . . . body and fat have become such good friends
*Aim high, reach your goals . . . aim low, avoid disappointment
*Seen it all, done it all . . . can't remember any of it
*I thought about being born again . . . but my mother refused
*Always keep to a well balanced diet . . . a cookie in each hand
*If you have to choose between two evils . . . pick the one you've never tried before
*If you line up all the cars in the world end to end . . . someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them
*A penny saved is . . . a government oversight
*Bills travel through my mailbox . . . at ten times the speed of cheques
*Light travels faster than sound . . . true 'cos some twinkle before they speak
*Tell me what you need . . . I'll tell you how to get along without it
*How many of you believe in telekinesis? . . . Raise my hand
*Just when you think nothing will ever get better . . . everything gets dramatically worse
*Someday we'll look back on all this . . . and plow into a parked car
*Get a new car for your spouse . . . It'll be a great trade
*I'm happily married . . . but the wife isn't
*Rumors goes in one ear and out of . . . many mouths
*What happens if . . . you get scared half to death twice
*Always try to be modest . . . and be proud of it
*Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines
*And on the other hand . . . you have different fingers
*You don't suffer from stress . . . Your the carrier
*Support bacteria . . . They're the only culture some people have.!
*Inside every older person is a younger person . . . wondering what the hell
happened
*If everything seems to be going well . . . you have obviously overlooked something.
*I don't have an attitude problem . . . You have a perception problem
*Everyone has a photographic memory. . . Some just don't have the right film
*When everything is coming your way . . . you're in the wrong lane
*A day without sunshine is like . . . night (or Sheffield)
*A clear conscience . . . is the sign of a bad memory
*The early bird gets the worm . . . but the second mouse gets the cheese
*He who laughs last . . . thinks slowest
*99 percent of lawyers . . . give the rest a bad name
* I just got lost in thought . . . It was unfamiliar territory
* Life is like a box of chocolates . . . All the best ones have been nibbled at
*If you think experts are expensive . . . wait and see what amateurs cost you.
*Afraid of doing too much . . . then you'll always do too little.
*Frustration is when you have ulcers . . . but still aren't a success.
*If the hokie-pokie isn't really what it's all about . . . what then, huh ?
* I used to have a very open mind . . . but my brains kept falling out
*Hell hath no fury like . . . the lawyer of a woman scorned
*If you have something to say, raise your hand . . . and place it over your mouth
* Remember . . . Half the people you know are below average.
*If you can't be a good example . . . then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
*Behind every successful man is . . . a very surprised woman.
*All the world's a stage . . . I seemed to have missed the rehearsal.
*I read about the evils of drinking . . . so I gave up reading.
*A fool and his money are soon . . . partying.
*Take care of your thoughts . . . they may become words.
*A perfect wife is one who helps the husband . . . with the dishes.
*Money can't buy happiness . . . it can certainly rent it for a while
*Two wrongs dont make a right, but ... Three rights do make . . . a left.
*A conclusion is the place where you find yourelf . . . when tired of thinking.
*Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence . . . a second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience

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