.Send us anything FUNNY!! "QUOTES"

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*"When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crackhead with no shoes under a bridge. You never think that is going to be you. And it never was me. I was never under a bridge, and I always had shoes." - Nicole Richie
*"I want to go to Egypt and Japan and open orphanages... a chain of them." -
Lindsay Lohan
*"I have started smiling! I've mastered this smirk; it's a smile that isn't a smile." -
Victoria Beckham
*"So, how did you all meet?"
Donna Air, while interviewing sibling band The Corrs
*"It's literally murder on the dancefloor." -
Dermot O'Leary, hosting the X Factor
*"To have your niece die in your arms is the greatest gift from god." -
Celine Dion
*"Sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered."
- Jake Gyllenhaal
*"If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final."
- Cyndi Lauper
*"I always wanted to be a hairdresser." -
David Beckham
*"I've always wanted to be a spy, and frankly I'm a little surprised that British intelligence has never approached me." -
Liz Hurley
*"I miss being able to wake up when I want and go on stage when I want and pull down my pants when I want." -
Mark Wahlberg
*"I felt like my vote was the vote that put [Obama] into office. It was down to one vote, and that was going to be my vote. And that may not be true, but that's how much power it felt like I had." -
P Diddy
*"There are many other kinds of milk available. Why don't we try drinking rats' milk and dogs' milk?" -
Heather Mills
"I'm not a sexual person, really. I don't really care about sex." - Paris Hilton
"It's so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day." - Lady Victoria Hervey
*"Eskimos are uncivilised because they don't have any shops."
- Jodie Marsh
*"There's the perception Danni Minogue is the sweetest little thing in the world but she's not... she's got balls of steel."
- Sharon Osborne
*"I've been up and down so many times that I feel as if I'm in a revolving door." -

*"She had a face like a bulldog licking p*** off a thistle."
- Bobby Davro on his EastEnders co-star Linda Henry
*"How the f*** am I supposed to get in then?" - Kate Moss, on being told that the only available toilet on a photoshoot location had no door
"I've always thought Marilyn Monroe looked fabulous, but I'd kill myself if I was that fat." - Liz Hurley
*"Comedy is funny." -
Goldie Hawn
*"It was a sobering experience."
- Lindsay Lohan on rehab
*"I do not miss ITV, God no! Have you seen ITV lately?" -
Cilla Black
"So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?" - Christina Aguilera
*"With the history of us, a book wouldn't necessarily be the best thing."
- Keisha Buchanan
*"I was told I had a two per cent chance of getting pregnant, so I say she's a two per cent baby."
- Nicole Kidman
*"I performed at Mom and Dad's party when I was four. Oh my gosh, I was singing a Madonna song, and I peed myself!" -
Britney Spears
*"I often pay homeless people to come round and clean my car."
- Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
"I'm an ocean, because I'm really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures." - Christina Aguilera
*"I think egg boiling is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I can make a tiramisu anytime you want." -
Catherine Zeta-Jones:
*"People should just be aware of how they are eating... yesterday I had a McDonald's breakfast and pizza too - but that's bad."
- Peaches Geldof
"I absolutely admit I had him in the handcuffs so he wouldn't go anywhere while I checked the computer... I certainly wasn't going to kill him. That's hardly going to do my career any good, is it?" - Boy George
*"I've been noticing gravity since I was very young." - Cameron Diaz
* "Where's Austria?" -
David Hasselhoff on his success in Austria
"I wish I was an octopus so I could hug ten people at a time!" - Drew Barrymore
*"I didn't know you were this nice. I thought you were a bitch." - Patti LaBelle, to Jennifer Hudson
*"Dress like Britney Spears and think like me, and everything will be fine." - Madonna
"The clitoris contains 8,000 nerve endings. It makes it easy to have sex. With yourself."
- Dannii Minogue
"I'm like a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen." - Katy Perry
*"As humans we speak one language..."
- Avril Lavigne:
*"If I could go into the woods and kill a bear myself, I'd wear it proudly as a trophy."
- Nigella Lawson
* "If I could read a book, I'd definitely read one of yours."
- Paris Hilton to Jackie Collins
* "Isn't it weird that I'm getting all emotionable?"
- Jessica Simpson
* "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
- Terry Venables
"I feel my best when I'm happy."
- Winona Ryder

* "Wasn't Winston Churchill the first black president of America? There's a statue of him near me... that's black..."
- Danielle Lloyd
* "Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident... you know you have to do something about it because you know you're the only one that can really help." - Tom Cruise
"Is t
his chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says chicken of the sea." - Jessica Simpson
*" Does the album have any songs you like that aren't on it? - Harry News, music reviewer
*"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" - Lee Iacocca, Chairman of the Chrysler corporation

*"It is white." - George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London
*"I hate music, especially when it's played." - Jimmy Durante

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job." - George Bush

*"I dress sexily - but not in an obvious way. Sexy in a virginal way"
- Victoria Beckham

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hilary Clinton
*"Solutions are not the answer." - Richard Nixon
*"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." - Andre Dawson on being a role model
*"Is an egg a vegetable?" - Jodie Marsh

"Marry Prince William? I would love that. After all, who wouldn't want to be a princess?" - Britney Spears
* "At the finish, it was all over" - Jim Watt

* "These American horses know the fences like the back of their hands" - Harvey Smith
*"It's not so much a thankless task, it's more a job with no thanks" - Colin Baker, ITV
*"Did you write the words, or the lyrics?" - Bruce Forsyth
* "We made too many wrong mistakes. " - Yogi Berra
*"Why do you think marriage is a bum deal, for you as a gay person?" - Ann Leslie
*"It's a one-to-one dialogue. You open your mouth and you're talking to 6 million people." - Derek Jameson
*"Richard Burton had a tremendous passion for the English language, especially the spoken and written word" - Frank Bough
"There's a lot of good older players around, but very few." - David Carr
* "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." - Dick Cavett
*"Most of the living legends I've been researching go back over centuries" - Andrew Jones
*"I've been up and down so many times that I feel as if I'm in a revolving door." - Cher
*"And he nipped them in the bud, right at the end" - Bob Holness
*"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours" - Yogi Berra
*"I wonder if we can speak through rose-tinted spectacles" - Nick Ross
*"So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?" - Michael Barrymore
*"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. & And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
*"I've got 10 pairs of training shoes - one for every day of the week" - Sam Fox
*"The Rolling Stones suffered a great loss with the death of Ian Stewart, the man who had for so many years played piano quietly and silently with them on stage." -Andy Peebles
*"If you put it on the table as a bargaining chip, it becomes a bargaining chip" - Ronald Reagan
"My second hit was a flop." - Shakin' Stevens
*"My shoes are size 2 and a 1/2, the same size as my feet" - Elaine Page
*" This is a great day for France!" --Said while attending Charles De Gaulle's Funeral.
- Richard Nixon
*"A week is a long time in politics, and three weeks is twice as long." - Rosie Barnes
*"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." - Fran Lebowitz, US writer
*"If you could live forever, would you want to, and why?" answer, "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would
not live forever." - Miss Alabama 1994
*"If I didn't have some kind of education, I wouldn't be able to count my money!" - Missy Elliott, on the value of a diploma
*"The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

*"The telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously consided as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us"
- Western Union Memo

*"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
- Dan Quayle

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, October 16, 1929
Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans." - Alf Landon, in a campaign speech while running against FDR
*"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey
*"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that." - Bill Clinton
*"My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never surrender to what is right."
- Dan Quayle

*"There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964."
- Roger Daltrey

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." -
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

*"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

*"Rock is really about dick and testosterone. I go and see a band, I want to fuck the guy - that's the way it is. It's always been that way"
. - Courtney Love

*"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
- Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player, on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

*"Thats not a place where I'm considered good-looking."
- Mark Hoppus, on why he's never been to Kenya.

*"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on".
- Sam Goldwyn

*"Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country."
- Ian Rush

*"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." - Dick Cavett

*"You can hardly tell where the computer models finish and the real dinosaurs begin"
- Laura Dern, about the special effects in the movie Jurassic Park
*"Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally." - Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's
*"It's all right leaping about the stage when you're 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassing - Bill Wyman, The Rolling Stones, 1967
*" A proof is a proof. What kind of proof? It's a proof. A proof is proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it is proven.
- Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien

To me, the greatest book of all time is "The Bible" because there's some
religious stuff in it
!" - Jim Rosenberg

*" I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife."
- Mike Greenwell, Baseball player
*" I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." - Dan Quayle
*" If you or any member of your family has been killed..."
- Lawyer commercial on TV, Orlando, Florida

* "We're goin
g to move left and right at the same time." - Jerry Brown, Governor of California.
*" He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins
*"If only faces could talk..." - Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl
*"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." - Dan Quayle
*"Computers in the future may have only 1, 000 vacuum tubes and perhaps only weigh 1 1/2 tons." - Popular Mechanics, 1949
*"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!" - Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars
*"Law will be simplified over the next century. Lawyers will have diminished, & their fees will have been vastly curtailed."
- journalist Julius Henri Browne, 1893
*"That scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." - A congressional candidate in Texas
* I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding." - Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons
*"Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean." - Basepall Player Pedro Guerrero on reporters
*"Acting is easier and smoother than singing - it's less drama." - Beyonce Knowles
*"She Sounds great, she looks great - and she has that English accent that I really dig." - Buckcherry's Keith Nelson, on Madonna
*"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding."
- Mickey Rivers, baseball player
*"I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity." - Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House

*" The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others." - Gerry Brown, California governor

*"If you think is was an accident, applaud." - Geraldo Rivera, talk show host, to his audience on Natalie Wood's drowning
*For NASA, space is still a high priority." - Dan Quayle
*"I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5."
- Charles Barkley, NBA Basketball Player
*"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads." - Vlade Divac, Basketball player
*"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." - Keppel Enderbery
*"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again." -Sen. Barbara Boxer,
*" Computers in the future may have only 1, 000 vacuum tubes and perhaps only weigh 1 1/2 tons." - Popular Mechanics, 1949

*"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." - Colonel Oliver North
*"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer
*"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
*"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." - Everett Dirksen, Congressman
*"Boxing's all about getting the job done as quickly as possible, whether it takes 10 or 15 or 20 rounds." - Frank Bruno, Boxer
* "Does the album have any songs you like that aren't on it? - Harry News, music reviewer
*"Solutions are not the answer." - Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

*"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." - Dan Quayle
*"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." - Dizzy Dean
*"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man." - Samuel Goldwyn
*"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Danny Ozark, Phillies manager

"Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is." - Ron Fairley, Giants' broadcaster
*"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." - Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
*"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something." - Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player
*"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago" - Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President
*"This planet is our home. If we destroy the planet, we've destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important." - H. Ross Perot
*"We'd like to avoid problems, because when we have problems, we can have troubles." - Governor Wesley Bolin
*"Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there."
- Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster
*"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." - Alicia Silverstone, Actress
*"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst
*"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes." - Richard Nixon
*"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
*"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." - David Acfield
*For those of you haven't read the book, it's being published tomorrow - David Frost
*I went in and said, "If I see one more gratuitous shot of a woman's body, I'm quitting . . . " I think the show should be emotional story lines, morals, real- life heroes. And that's what we're doing - David Hasselhoff, star of Baywatch
*Not only was Sue having a nervous breakdown, but she was having a tough time mentally too - Simon Bates
*"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
*"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; but I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein
*"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?" - Stuart Hall, Radio 5 live
*'There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.' - Ken Olson, 1977, Digital Equipment Corporation
*'Radio has no future.' - Lord Kelvin, 1897
*"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
*"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel
*"The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
*"Cod are not very good swimmers so they are easily overtaken by trawlers and nets." - British government report on why cod fish are disappearing from the North Sea
*"For most people, death comes at the end of their lives." - Radio broadcaster, UK
*"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." - Greg Norman, Golfer
*"Most lies about blondes are false." - Cincinnati Times-Star, headline
*"Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier." - BBC London Traffic Report
* "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player
*'I wish men had boobs because I like the feel of them. It's so funny - when I record I sing with a hand over each of them, maybe it's a comfort thing.'-Baby Spice of the Spice Girls
*'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.' -Dan Quayle
*'Life is very important to Americans.' - Bob Dole
*"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
*"Most hotels are already booked solid by people, plus 5,000 journalists." - Bangkok Post
*'No one will need more than 637Kb of memory for a personal computer' - Bill Gates
*"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." - Alicia Silverstone, Actress
*'It's not pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' - Dan Quayle
*'The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.' - Bob Dole
*"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." - Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
*"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that." - Bill Clinton, former U.S. president
*"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer
*"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
* "Predictions are difficult, especially about the future." - Yogi Berra, Baseball player
*"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush [senior], former U.S. President
*"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out." - Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles, in 1962
*"I didn't know Onward Christian Soldiers was a Christian song." - Aggie Pate, at a non-denominational mayor's breakfast, Fort Worth, Texas
*"Models are like baseball players. We make a lot of money quickly, but all of a sudden we're 30 years old, we don't have a college education, we're qualified for nothing, and we're used to a very nice lifestyle. The best thing is to marry a movie star." - Cindy Crawford, Supermodel
*"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer
*"Where the hell is Australia anyway?" - Britney Spears, Pop Singer
*"All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath." - David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation
*"See the New York Jets play the Cinncinnati Bagels this Sunday on NBC." - Announcer on WNBC station

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