PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGE
We're too late! It's already been here. Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.
Look, Scully, just
like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into
a shrine; halls
You really think someone's been here?
Someone, or something.
Mulder, over here -- it's a fruitcake.
Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."
It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
Who? What are you talking about?
Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?
Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.
It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.
It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wielding.
But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.
Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney! You're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.
But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?
You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.
I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!
I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-Files.
Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake.
But we have no proof.
Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.
But that was a meteor shower.
Officially. Two days
ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo,
in Washington, D.C. Nobody -- not even the zoo keeper -- was told about
it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle.
They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop
Mulder, I ...
Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?
On the roof. It sounds
like a clatter.
Tune in next year to see what they found!
LOL Frank & Hart!!
the politically correct) The 12 Days Of Christmas
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping
(plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
TEN melanin deprived
testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE after members
of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Thanks to Mary Campbell
particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for
his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed
Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
of them were about to give birth, and two had jumped the fence and were
out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then, when he began to load the
sleigh, one of the boards cracked,and the toy bag fell to the ground and
scattered the toys.
Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden
the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas,Santa. Isn't it a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to stick it?"
Twas The Night
I'm happy to inform
you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23,
starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There
will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised
if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be
lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our
CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
In no way was yesterday's
memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah
is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though
unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our
"Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees
who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Regarding the note
I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking
table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request,
but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you
wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
What a diverse
group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy
month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight
hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon
at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home
in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged
for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet
and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays
are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement
for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress,
no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short
people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot
control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high
blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert
for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the
Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly
put it, and you'll get your fu*cking salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice
them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope
you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Claire the very funny emails!!
1. Bleached Yule
1. White Christmas
Thanks again to