A PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGE
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FUNNY CHRISTMAS SONGS, JOKES
AND RUDOLF'S CHRIMBO PICS
AND ~ HO HO ~ A QUIZ!!

THE X-MAS FILES
by Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely

We're too late! It's already been here. Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls
decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

You really think someone's been here?

Someone, or something.

Mulder, over here -- it's a fruitcake.

Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Who? What are you talking about?

Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?

Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.

It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.

It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wielding.

But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney! You're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.

But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?

You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

Impossible.

I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!

I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-Files.

Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake.

But we have no proof.

Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

But that was a meteor shower.

Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody -- not even the zoo keeper -- was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop
spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

Mulder, I ...

Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?

On the roof. It sounds like a clatter.
The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.

Tune in next year to see what they found!

LOL Frank & Hart!!

(For the politically correct) The 12 Days Of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been
revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Thanks to Mary Campbell

Dam contemporary architecture

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked,and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then, the doorbell rang, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas,Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to stick it?"

Thus, began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Twas The Night Before Sexmas
> >
> >'Twas the night before Christmas, and Geez it was neat
> >The kids were all gone, the old lady in heat
> >
> >The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook
> >It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
> >
> >Mama in her teddy, and me in the nude
> >Had just hit the bed and reached for the lube
> >
> >When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
> >That I lost my boner and mama went dry.
> >
> >Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
> >Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
> >
> >The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
> >Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
> >
> >When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
> >But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy deer.
> >
> >With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
> >A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
> >
> >Sure as I speak, he was high as a kite.
> >He yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
> >
> >Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
> >Either slow this rig down or I'll cut off your nuts.
> >
> >Look out for the lamp post, don't hit the tree,
> >Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta pee.
> >
> >They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
> >Just as Santa leaned out and puked on a shrub.
> >
> >And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
> >As each mangy deer was emptyin it's bladder.
> >
> >I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
> >When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
> >
> >His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
> >He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.
> >
> >"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
> >"The reindeer are pooped, think we'll stay here awhile.
> >
> >He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
> >Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
> >
> >I started to laugh, as he smiled with glee,
> >The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
> >
> >Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
> >But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
> >
> >The first thing he found was a pair of fake tits,
> >Then shaped like a gun was a penis that spits.
> >
> >A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
> >And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
> >
> >A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
> >And quite a few things that I shouldn't mention.
> >
> >A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
> >A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
> >
> >"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
> >So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
> >
> >He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
> >With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
> >
> >He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
> >Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
> >
> >In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
> >Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
> >
> >The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
> >THE BEST THING ABOUT SEX, IS IT NEVER WEARS OUT!!!


Thanks to Ron for that latest Christmas song!!


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty

-------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty

-------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

-------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

-------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*ucking Employees
DATE: October 05, 2005
RE: The F*ucking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pr*icks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu*cking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The Bi*tch from H*ELL!!!!!!!!

-------
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Thanks Claire the very funny emails!!



12 Redneck Days To Christmas

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love sent to me
a 12 Pack of Bud
11 Rasslin' Tickets
tin of Copenhagen
9 Years Probation
8 Holey vests
7 Kissing Cousins
6 Cans of Spam
5 Hunting Hounds
4 Mudgrip tyres
3 Shot Gun Shells
2 more Gaps in Teeth
And some parts to a Mustang GT

 


THE CRIMBO QUIZ

Name That Christmas Carol!

1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time 2400 hrs - Weather Cloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals


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1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Hall
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas

Thanks again to Mary Campbell


MERRY CHRISTMAS
&
A HAPPY 'N' HEALTHY NEW YEAR

TO YOU ALL

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