Updated for April 2017
.Send us anything FUNNY!! ."WHO SAID THAT"

CLEVER?? ~ WHITTY?? ~ WISDOM?? or just plain STUPID!!

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* "In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they turn it into TV shows" - Woody Allen
* "The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on" - Robert Bloch

* “I never dreamed about success. I worked for it”
- Estée Lauder
* "Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve"
- Napoleon Hill
* "Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse" - Groucho Marx

* "Inflation is when you pay 15 dollars for the 10 dollar haircut you used to get for 5 dollars when you had hair" - Sam Ewing

* "He has Van Gogh's ear for music" - Billy Wilder

* "I am not young enough to know everything"
- Oscar Wilde

* "Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves" - Albert Einstein

* "Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable"
- Plato

* "A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's, she changes it more often" - Oliver Herford

* "We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine" - Eduardo Galeano

* "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three" - Elayne Boosler
* "Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection" - Lady Gaga

* "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?" - Lily Tomlin

* “We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day” - Edith Lovejoy Pierce

* Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp - Melanie White

* I've always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. Which has confused a lot of guys that have tried to start fights with me. They'll raise their fists, I'll whip my knob out. - Mark Nelson

* When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife - Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh

* Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be – Abraham Lincoln

* The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them - Albert Einstein

* I am not arguing or stressing, I am simply explaining, why... I am right
- Anon

* I drink to make other people more interesting
- Ernest Hemingway

* I am too much of a sceptic to deny the possibility of anything - Thomas H. Huxley

* Commenting on a woman's ass size is a great way to make you one - James Bartlett

* If we both exchange one dollar, we have one dollar each. But, if we exchange one good thought, we have two good
thoughts each - anon
* Alw
ays end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell ... the name will carry - Bill Cosby
* Inflation is when you pay 15 dollars for the 10 dollar haircut you used to get for 5 dollars when you had hair - Sam Ewing
* Start every day off with a smile and get it over with - W. C. Fields
* You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you - Eric Hoffer
* You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have - Bob Marley
* A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease",
That depends, Sir,"
said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress"

* “I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited” - Oscar Wilde

* "I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens"
- Woody Allen

* "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad"
- Peter Kaye

* "The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion"
- Fred Allen

* “Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives” - Oscar Wilde
* "
One race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever" - Sigmund Freud
- on the subject of Ireland
* "If every 8 year old in the world is taught meditation, we will eliminate violence from the world within one generation" - Dalai Lama
* "You can't undo yesterday, you can work on today, tomorrow, you will wonder how you screwed up 2 days in a row" - Edie Long
"The only time my education was interrupted was when I was in school" - George Bernard Shaw
*"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice, there is "
- Yogi Berra

"Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn" - Arnold Schwarzenegger
*"Political correctness is tyranny with manners" - Charlton Heston

* "His ignorance is encyclopedic" - Abba Eban

* "After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one" - Cato the Elder

* "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on” - Robert Frost

* "Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that"
- Bill Shankley

* "To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world"
- Brandi Snyder

* "A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man" - Lana Turner

* "The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to” - P. J. O'Rourke

* "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day".
~ Phyllis Diller

* "In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends" - Martin Luther King Jr

* "My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden" - Eric Morecambe
* "Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric" ~ Bertrand Russell

* "When women go wrong, men go straight after them"
- Mae West

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure" - Clarence Darrow
"Sometimes when you are arguing with a fool, they are doing the same thing" - Anon
* "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary"
- William Faulkner about Ernest Hemingway
.... ."Poor Faulkner, Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway about William Faulkner

* "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure"
- Jack E. Leonard

* "If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get, that you don't want" - Oscar Wilde
"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three" - Laurence J. Peter
* "I'm so clever that sometimes I don't understand a word that I am saying" - Oscar Wilde
* "I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included - Bernard Manning

* "If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button" - Sam Levenson
* “Me? I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly… stupid” - Johnny Depp as Jack Sparro
* “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the secret sits in the middle and knows" - Robert Frost
* “Everybody wants to be somebody; nobody wants to grow” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"Don't cry for a man who's left you, the next one may fall for your smile" - Mae West
* "If you don’t ask because you might be refused, you’ve already refused yourself" - Nisandeh Neta
* "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful" - Ann Landers
* "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any" - Alice Walker

* "The past is a great place and I don't want to erase it or to regret it, but I don't want to be its prisoner either" - Mick Jagger
* "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

* "I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity
" - Albert Einstein
* "People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election"
- Otto von Bismarck

* "Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life." - Gabriel Marquez
* "I used to live in a room full of mirrors; all I could see was me. I take my spirit and I crash my mirrors,
now the whole world is here for me to see"
- Jimi Hendrix
* "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it"
- Groucho Marx
* "Opportunity is missed by most because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work"
- Thomas Alva Edison
"Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold on to him. After marriage, she has to hold on to him
to make love to him" - Marilyn Monroe

*"To be a flamboyant failure, that's better than being any kind of benign success" - Malcolm McLaren
*"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up" - Paul Keating

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here" - Stephen Bishop
*"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other,
but still they stay together" - Hemant Joshi
*"He has Van Gogh's ear for music" - Billy Wilder

“For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.” - Quentin Crisp
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." - Peter Kaye
*"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
*"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
*"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
*"At 50, a man can be an ass without being an optimist but not an optimist without being an ass" - Mark Twain

*"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it" - Moses Hadas

*"What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary" - Mark Twain

*“I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all”
- Lord Byron

*“The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night”
- Otto von Bismarck

*"I feel I have to protect myself against things. So I'm pretty careful to lose most of them.” - Orson Wells

*"When you start thinking of pressure, it’s because you’ve started to think of failure.”- Tommy Lasorda - US Baseball Manager

"You never know where to look when eating a banana. " - Peter Kaye
* "I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on" - Roseanne Barr

"I become more convinced that beings from other planets are using the Earth as a lunatic asylum" - George Bernard Shaw
* "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark Twain

"If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you" - Muhammad Ali
"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - Yogi Berra after being told he looked cool
*"Human beings are 70% water and with some the rest is colagen" - Martin Mull

"Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says chicken of the sea." - Jessica Simpson
*"I dress sexily - but not in an obvious way. Sexy in a virginal way"
- Victoria Beckham

"No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly" - Oscar Wilde
*"Old age ain't no place for sissies
" - Bette Davis

* "I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows." - Janette Barber

"One should not worry about the future, particularly if it hasn't happened yet." - Mel Gibson
* "Modesty is the only good quality I don't have." - Jordan W. Shipley

*"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy" - Benjamin Franklin

* "There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience and that is not learning from experience." - Archibald MacLeish

*"Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?"
- Frank Scully

*"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives"
- William Dement

* "Even if I knew that tomorrow the world go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree" - Martin Luther

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so". - Douglas Adams
"I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?" - Zsa Zsa Gabor
*"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self".
- Cyril Connolly

*"I never came upon any of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking."
- Albert Einstein
*"The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
*"A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing." - Joey Adams
*"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country". - Elayne Boosler
*"Patience is the companion of wisdom" - St. Augustine
*"No man is rich enough to buy back his past." - Oscar Wilde
*"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." - Billy Crystal
*"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde

"Anger is a weed; hate is a tree" - St. Augustine
*"A bit of lusting after someone does wonders for the skin." - Elizabeth Hurley
*"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." - Lynn Lavner
*"Some will never learn anything because they understand everything too soon." - Thomas Blount
*"We've got a nation of people who have one eye looking out for the next speed camera, another looking for a speed limit sign and another looking at the speedometer - which is a bit of a shame, when you only have two eyes." - Paul Smith, head of a uk group opposing speed cameras
* "A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist." - Franklin Jones

*"Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings" - Salvador Dali

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us" - Author: Helen Keller
*"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - Camille Paglia
*"There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more." - Woody Allen
* "God created the poet, then took a handful of the rubbish that was left and made three critics." - T.J. Thomas
*"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." - Albert Einstein
*"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." - Groucho Marx
*"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson
*"The true republic: men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less."
- Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906)
* "When the sun comes up, I have morals again" - Elayne Boosler
*"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age" - Lucille Ball
*"Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret"
- Lawrence J. Peter
*"There is more to life than increasing its speed."
- Gandhi
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married"- George Burns
*"A time will come when men will stretch out their eyes. They should see planets like our Earth" - Christopher Wren
*"Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - R. Kennedy
*"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch" - Jack Nicholson
*"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing"
- George Bernard Shaw
*"Message? What the hell do you think I am, a bloody postman?"
- Brendan Behan, when asked what was the message in one of his plays
*"Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day of your life
- Confucius

*"Friendship is constant in all other things, Save in the office and affairs of love"
- William Shakespeare
*"I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
*"We have 40 million reasons for failure but not a single excuse" - Rudyard Kipling
*"Keeping your clothes well pressed, will keep you from looking hard pressed" - Coleman Cox
*"If you can laugh at it, you can live with it."
- Erma Bombeck
* "Dignity does not consist in possessing honors, but in deserving them" - Aristotle
*"The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot" - Salvador Dali
*"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night." - Woody Allen
*"When you are down and out, something always turns up - usually the noses of your friends." - Orson Welles
*" Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself" - George Bernard Shaw
*" I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor" - Joan Rivers
* "I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part".
- Shirley MacLaine
*"Cyling has done more to emancipate women than anything else in the world"
- Susan Anthony
*"At fifty everyone has the face they deserve"
- George Orwell
*"All dogs look up to you. All cats look down on you. Only the pig looks at you as an equal" . . . Sir Winston Churchill
*"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back"
- Barbara DeAngelis
*"Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf - Will Rogers
*"Between thought and expression lies a lifetime."
- Lou Reed
* "Men show their characters in nothing more clearly than in what they think laughable" - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
*"There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad" - Salvador Dali
*"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown
*"A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life"
- Muhammad Ali
*" Keeping your clothes well pressed will keep you from looking hard pressed" - Coleman Cox
*"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up but a comedy in long shot ".
- Charlie Chaplin
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard
* "When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad I'm better."
- Mae West
*"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."
- George Bernard Shaw
*"When it comes to cars, only two varieties of people are possible - cowards and fools." - Russell Baker
*"God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams
*" Never chase a lie. Let it alone, and it will run itself to death. - Lyman Beecher
"Pressure makes diamonds." - General George Patton
*"Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee "
- David Frost
*"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."
- Frank Outlaw
*"He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else." - Benjamin Franklin
*"There are three ingredients to the good life; learning, earning, and yearning."
- Christopher Morley
* "
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller
*"What a man misses mostly in heaven is company. - Mark Twain
Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at". - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
*"You can fool some of the people some of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. - Abraham Lincoln
*"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I'll tell you: a paternity suit". - George Burns
*" The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too.
- Anton Chekhov
*" When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
- Sacha Guitry
*"What we see depends mainly on what we look for" - John Lubbock
*" In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
- Martin Luther King Jr.
*"Men are born with two eyes, but with one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they say". - Charles Caleb Colton
*" The grim fact is that we prepare for war like precocious giants, and for peace like retarded pygmies".
~ Lester Bowles Pearson
*"If a man would follow, today, the teachings of the Old Testament, he would be a criminal. If he would follow the teachings of the new, he would be insane." - Robert Green Ingersoll
*" Men in general are quick to believe that which they wish to be true".
- Julius Caesar
*"My advice to you concerning applause is this: enjoy it but never quite believe it". - Robert Montgomery
*"It is a statistical fact that the wicked work harder to reach hell than the righteous do to enter heaven". - Josh Billings

*" You can fool some of the people some of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time". - Abraham Lincoln
*"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." - Louis Nizer
*" I never think of the future. It comes soon enough." - Albert Einstein
*"Religion is for people who fear hell, spirituality is for people who have been there." - David Bowie
*A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it." - Israel Zangwill
*" Good executives never put off until tomorrow what they can get someone else to do today" - Dr. John C Maxwell
*"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat" - Alex Levine
*My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition." - Mohandas Gandhi
*"A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns." - Mario Puzo
*"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemingway
*"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
*Bessie Braddock (to Winston Churchill): "Winston, you're drunk."
Churchill: "Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober."
*Nancy Astor (to Winston Churchill): "If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!"
Churchill: "And if I were your husband I would drink it."
*"If you really dig a chick, you should talk to her, not steal her picture." - Mike Nesmith (The Monkees)
*"At a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely" - W Somerset Maughan
*"Seeking to know is too often learning to doubt" - Antoinette Deshoulieres
*"I mistrust the judgment of every man in a case in which his own wished are concerned" - Duke of Wellington
*"I just love Chinese food. My favourite dish is number 27" - Clement Atlee
*"Money is a good servant, but a poor master" - Dominique Bouhours
*"An Eye for an Eye, and the world would soon be blind".
- M. K. Ghandi
*"Hell is full of musical amateurs". - George Bernard Shaw
*"Some will never learn anything because they understand everything too soon". - Thomas Blount
*"Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward; they may be beaten , but they may start a winning game." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
*"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate." - Ambrose Bierce.
*You can fool some of the people some of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. - Abraham Lincoln
*You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. - Plato
*The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you - Charles Dickens
*What we see depends mainly on what we look for - John Lubbock
*Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds. - Albert Einstein
*The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one. - Mark Twain
*He that never changes his opinion, never corrects his mistakes, will never be wiser on the morrow that he is today. - Tyron Edwards
*Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers. - Voltaire
*It should be possible to explain the laws of physics to a barmaid. - Albert Einstein
*Seriousness is the only refuge for the shallow - Oscar Wilde
*A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on - Sam Goldwyn
*Winning is not everything. It's the only thing. - Author: Vince Lombardi
*"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
*Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right - Henry Ford
*Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude. - Thomas Jefferson
*Arguing with a fool proves there are two. - Doris M. Smith
*A time will come when men will stretch out their eyes. They should see planets like our Earth. - Christopher Wren
* Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery - Spike Milligan
*Patience is not a virtue, it is a waste of time. - Damon Conlan,
*The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
*I drink therefore I am - W.C. Fields
*He who can does - he who cannot, teaches. - George Bernard Shaw
*I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day - Frank Sinatra
*You just pick up a chord, go twang, and you've got music. - Sid Vicious [Sex Pistols]
*Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life - Herbert Henry Asquith
*My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil - Paul Getty
*My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
*It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. - George Burns
*"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein

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