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FEBRUARY


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FEBRUARY SNIPPITS

A Thought: You certainly brought Religion to my life ... I never believed in Hell until I met you... more

Did You Know: There are approximately 3 billion "fortune cookies" made each year around the world, and up until around WW II, fortune cookies were known as "fortune tea cakes". Although they are served with dessert in Chinese restaurants in the USA and now other Western countries, they are not a tradition in China. It is more likely a tradition brought over to the USA from Japanese immigrants in the late 19th/early 20th century; in Japan they sell them at Temples and Shrines calling them "Omikuji" aka "Japanese tea cakes" ... more

Words: MARATHON ~ from the Greece town named Marathon, the scene of a victory over the Persians in 490 BC; the modern race is based on the tradition that a messenger ran from Marathon to Athens (22 miles) with the news of the Greek victory. The original account by Herodotus told of the messenger Pheidippides running 150 miles from Athens to Sparta before the battle, seeking help at Marathon.. and a FORGOTTEN/LOST WORD: DUFFIFIE ~ means to lay a bottle on its side-after drinking its contents-to collect the few remaining drops, so every last drop can then be dribbled into a glass (The Simpsons come to mind!!!) ... more

Music: The first song recorded completely in a foreign language to reach No.1 on the UK Singles Charts was "Je t'aime... moi non plus" by Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin in 1969 (French). There are only five other foreign language No.1 songs, they are "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco released in 1986 (German), "La Bamba" by Los Lobos released in 1987 (Spanish), "Sadeness (Part I)", by Enigma released in 1990 (Latin/French), "We No Speak Americano", by Yolanda Be Cool Vs DCUP, released in 2010 (Neapolitan-Italian) and "Gangnam Style" by Psy released in 2012 (Korean). (Yolanda Be Cool and DCUP, both being Australian, both spoke English as their first languages, and "We No Speak Americano" even had a title largely in English, but the song was based entirely on a sample of the Italian language "Tu vuò fà l'americano" by Renato Carasone and as a result was sung completely in Neapolitan) ... more

It's a First: William Holden was one of Hollywood’s most storied and famous actors and in 1957 he starred in the production of "The Bridge on the River Kwai" and was paid $1 million dollars for his work. He was the highest paid actor of his day and the first to receive $1 million for a single role ... more

Wit or Wisdom!:
“I never dreamed about success. I worked for it.”- Estée Lauder ... more

FUN THINGS .

FUNNY PLACE NAMES . .... SUPERSTITIONS .... .IT'S A RECORD ., . .PC - NERD .

YOUR GRIPES ... .R U A REDNECK . .. .DUMB QUOTES . . JIG-SAW PUZZLE

TONGUE TWISTERS . . RHYMING SLANG . . ..BINGO LINGO . . . GREAT OLDIE HITS

.. CHAT-UP LINES .... HALLOWEEN SPECIAL.. . . WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM . .

. MUSO ANAGRAMS ... .ALL SHOOK UP - ANAGRAMS . . . BRAIN TEASER . .

MUSO JOKES . . GASMS . . LOVELY LATIN . . MAGIC . . EBAY SONG

. . ESCAPE IF YOU CAN . . SUN SIGN CHARACTERS . . . DR PHIL'S TEST

HALL OF FAME . . WALK OF FAME . . ROCK WALK . . CELEB REAL NAMES . . BAND NAMES

THE NAKED MEN CLOCK
(CLICK ON CLOCK TO CHANGE)

.QUIZZES .
FEBRUARY MUSIC QUIZ
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NEXT LINE * WARPS * 123 = ABC * MATHS * PROVERBS
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free sudoku puzzles



* * FeBrUary 2017 JoKes * *

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:
they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.
* * * * * * * * *
5 Kinds of Sex

1.The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon
period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2.The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3.The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4.The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each
other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

5.There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you
get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the
room.....
* * * * * * * * *
10 things that you say at the office that sound dirty, but aren't:

1. I need you to whip it out by 5:00.
2. Mind if I use your laptop?
3. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
4. Put it in my box before I leave.
5. I want it on my desk NOW!
6. Hmmm. . . . I think it's out of fluid.
7. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
8. It's an entry-level position.
9. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
10. It's not fair. . . I do all the work while he just sits back!
* * * * * * * * *
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
* * * * * * * * *
A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on.
They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears
one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, lady," said the man. "I try to teacha my frienda to spell Mississippi."
* * * * * * * * *
So you want the day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days. Leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period daily, you have used up another 46 days leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We offer 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves you only l day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!
* * * * * * * * *
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
* * * * * * * * *
Funny Anagrams:
> >
> > David Ginola
> > Vagina dildo
> >
> > Teddy Sheringham
> > Teddy Minge rash
> >
> > Ossie Ardiles
> > Arse is soiled
> >
> > Diego Maradona
> > O dear, I'm a gonad
> >
> > Tony Blair PM
> > I'm Tory plan B
> >
> > Virginia Bottomley
> > I'm an evil Tory bigot
> >
> > Michael Heseltine
> > Elect him, he's alien
> >
> > David Mellor
> > Dildo marvel
> >
> > Dame Agatha Christie
> > I am a right death case
> >
> > The Metropolitan Police Force
> > I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
> >
> > Benson and Hedges
> > NHS been a godsend
> >
> > Selina Scott
> > Elastic snot
> >
> > Mel Gibson
> > Big melons
> >
> > Gloria Estefan
> > Large fat noise
> >
> > Chris Rea
> > Rich arse
> >
> > Martina Navratilova
> > Variant rival to a man
> >
> > Gabriela Sabatini
> > Insatiable airbag
> >
> > Irritable Bowel Syndrome
> > O my terrible drains below
> >
> > Evangelist
> > Evil's Agent
> >
> > Desperation
> > A Rope Ends It
> >
> > The Morse Code
> > Here Come Dots
> >
> > Mother-in-law
> > Woman Hitler
> >
> > Semolina
> > Is No Meal
> >
> > A Decimal Point
> > I'm a Dot in Place
> >
> > Eleven plus two
> > Twelve plus one
> >
> > President Clinton, of the USA
> > To copulate, he finds interns
> >
> > Motorway Service Station
> > I eat coronary vomit stews.
* * * * * * * * *
One fine Sunday afternoon a couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year" Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back,"Sure, once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!"
* * * * * * * * *
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
* * * * * * * * *
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him.
He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish
to death with a spade.

Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to
find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving
the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything.
So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.

He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house.
He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at
him. Un-amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade,
killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do?
He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything.
He hurls them into the lion's cage.

Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from
South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by
the bees. Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard
as he can, squashing them to death.
By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows
what to do by now.
He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another
lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:

"Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees"
* * * * * * * * *
Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.
Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."
* * * * * * * * *
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Woman
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own,
regardless of any stomach pain caused whilst waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your
boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have
sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat
over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to
positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six
applications per role).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to
yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through
the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is
traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband
and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.

15 Easy Steps to Shit like a Man
1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porno mag; tried
by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always
tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the
toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your
legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities
to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any
visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper
before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no
circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or
when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can
use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a
man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
* * * * * * * * *
An elephant and a camel are talking.
The elephant asks,
"Why do you have boobs on your back?"
The camel replies,
"Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."
* * * * * * * * *
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in
bed with another woman. With super-human strength
borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out
the back door, and into the tool shed in the backyard
and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it
tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was
terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going
to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the
saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going
to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."
* * * * * * * * *
There were two friends drinking in a regular bar. When they were done drinking, both found out that they had no money to pay for the drinks.

Not knowing what to do, the first guy said : "I have got an idea! Lets pretend we are gays. I'll grab a hot dog place it in my crotch and you'll blow on it. Everyone will think that you are blowing my penis and get disgusted by the scene and turn away. Then we'll run out without paying!"

The second guy agreed and they started carrying out thier plan. As predicted, everyone got disgusted and turned away from them, and they quickly ran out without anyone noticing them.

The two guys were amazed by how well their trick worked and decided to visit other bars and do the same trick for free drinks. they visited eight more bars, did the same trick and never got caught. They got really drunk and decided to go home.

The second guy said. "Man. I am beat, I had to blow that hot dog the whole night and my mouth just can't take it anymore."
"NO no no, I am beat" The first guy argued. "I lost that hot dog at the second bar!"

* * * * * * * * *

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you!
* * * * * * * * *
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read's:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!
* * * * * * * * *
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this!" So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rriiipppp"!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other let and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hall- way, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
* * * * * * * * *
This large, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points
to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will
buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and
points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit saying,
"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says,
"Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink the bartender approaches
the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the
lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg
up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
* * * * * * * * *
Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag?
A: A teabag could stay in the cup for longer

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