A Thought: Never let a fool kiss you . . . or a kiss fool you ... more
Did You Know: The
last man to walk on the moon, Gene Cernan,
was the commander of Apollo 17 in December 1972, the final Apollo lunar landing.
He promised his daughter hed write her initials on the moon, he did, and
her initials, TDC will probably be on the moon for tens of thousands
of years to come ...
In 2009, Road Chef, the Watford Gap UK Motorway services, on the M1 motorway in
Northants, England, paid £1,000 at an auction for a collection of celebrity
signatures, which were collected by former employee, Beatrice England. The book
included signatures of Cliff Richard, Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger, Keith Richards,
Brian Jones, The Eagles, Dusty Springfield and many others. The Blue Boar services
as it was once known, received so many famous guests in its 50+ year history that
Jimi Hendrix mistook it for a London nightclub as it was mentioned so often by
his contemporaries ...
FUN THINGS .
NAKED MEN CLOCK
* * MAR Ch . .'17 ..JoKeS * *
Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.
Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.
"Sister," he asked, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl)
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?"
was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions
said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you
know I haven't had a cold all winter!"
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed, "That's her! That's her! I'd recognize her anywhere!"
* * * * * * * *
Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n putting' it back in.
If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
Never kick a cow pat on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwing' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to wee on the electric fence for themselves.
"Here's a prescription, Mr. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mr. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
down, Mr. Harris," said the doctor, "Now that we've fixed your sinuses,
we'll work on your hearing!!!"
The other guy says, "Oh, she's exaggerating."
guy says, "I thought so, too, because I just took her out for a really nice
celebration of our third season together!"
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
know you didn't" said his wife, "but I did!"
Hey theres some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?
Dont tell anyone, replied the Englishmen, but we poached them out of the river.
How did you do that? asked Donal.
Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them.
Well try that Michael me boy. says Donal
They get to the bridge and Donal hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs, after about twenty minutes Michael screams
Quick pull me up, pull me up!
Have you got a salmon? asks Donal.
replies Michael, but theres a train coming!
turned and said, "Not as many as I had to sleep with to get it."
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially,
we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
Upon being asked
why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied,
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been
walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales."
He replied, "No kidding! So am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.
She said, "I sell tampons."
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "Hey, you promised you wouldn't laugh".
replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it, I'm still one hole behind you;
I sell toilet paper"
ASTROLOGY: Tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."
SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your
own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service."
Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.
His grandmother was curious, "What trick is that, sweetie?"
The little boy grinned at her, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the wall if you came to visit us again!"
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