PHIL BRODIE BAND'S
DEC ~ DEC ~ DEC
reached the age where . . . 'happy hour' is a nap
Music: UK Christmas No.1 albums: The most successful act is The Beatles, who have topped the UK Christmas chart with seven different albums. With the exception of 1966, they reached No.1 on every UK Christmas chart from 1963 to 1969 and also topped the chart in 2000 with their singles collection, 1. The only other act to release more than three Christmas No.1 albums is British singer Robbie Williams, who topped the chart with three solo albums in the early 2000s and also featured as part of Take That on their 2010 album, Progress. Take That have had three Christmas No.1 albums. . . . archive
Wit or Wisdom! . "You can't undo yesterday, you can work on today, tomorrow, you will wonder how you screwed up two days in a row" - Edie Long . . . archive
largest Christmas light display: David Richards, from Canberra, Australia
first won the title in 2011 with 331,038 lights. He was beaten by a family
from New York who installed 346,283 - but Mr Richards vowed to regain
the title and
he has now, 2013, broken the record with 502,165 flickering lights - much
to the annoyance of his neighbours. But they raise 10s of thousands of
pounds for charity and cost £1,400
to run .
. . more
. FUN THINGS .
NAKED MEN CLOCK
What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a bassist?
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because... well... he was so funny!
AVAILABLE TO WORK:
YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?:
YOU HAVE A CAR?:
YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, â€ Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the hell is it ??
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the early
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I
19. I'd much rather be an old has been, than a never was.
20. A wise man was once a fool.
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
calm and stay on the line"
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
How Do You Get Holy Water?
What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that
walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale
rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."
So they asked him: "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought wind
I was wrong!"
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
' For the love of God! '
' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
No, she says,
they're all in the Land
Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after
all, I was married to her for 40 years."
A big thanks to Dave, Robert, Sam, Jenny, Mike A., Mike Y., John M, Melanie, John P, and all the anons for the above funnies!!
All jokes welcomed ~ Please keep sending them in
.VISIT MORE PAGES & ENJOY OUR SITE.
* CONTACT THE BAND *
US TO YOUR FAVOURITES & TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT US