FUN PAGE: Jokes, Quips, Jokes, Quizzes

PHIL BRODIE BAND'S
FUN PAGES

MAY ~ MAY

FUNNY PICS ~ SPECIALS

MAY . JOKES . MUSIC QUIZ . MAY

MAY SNIPPITS

A Thought: They say love is blind . . . so why is lingerie so popular . . . more

Did You Know: To change the death penalty for rape, in 1778 Thomas Jefferson authorised the Bill for Proportioning Crimes and Punishments ... "Whosoever shall be guilty of Rape, Polygamy, or Sodomy with man or woman shall be punished, if a man, by castration, if a woman, by cutting thro' the cartilage of her nose a hole of one half inch diameter at the least" . . . more

Words: KISS ~ The word came from Old English cyssan : “to kiss”, in turn from coss : “a kiss”. Among the first known written descriptions of mouth-to-mouth kissing are included in the epic poem, Mahabharata, written 3,000 years ago in ancient India . . . more

Music: The theropod dinosaur from the Late Cretaceous of Madagascar, 'Masiakasaurus knopfleri', was named after the guitarist Mark Knopfler, the palaeontologists were listening to Dire Straits recordings when they discovered the species . . . archive

Wit or Wisdom! "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on ” - Robert Frost . . . archive

It's a Record: Largest afro (female): Aevin Dugas from the USA is the proud owner of a record - breaking afro. When measured in New Orleans, USA, on October 4th 2010, it had a circumference of 4ft 4in / 1.32m. She trims her afro two or three times a year, and uses up to five conditioners at once when she washes it . . . more

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
* * * * * * * * *
International rules of blokedom
>
>01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the
>footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it
>is permissible.
>
>02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
>a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
>b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
>c. After wrecking your boss' car.
>d. one hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
>e. When she is using her teeth.
>
>03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
>and eaten by his mates.
>
>04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
>out of jail within 12 hours.
>
>05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
>limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
>
>06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
>forbidden.
>However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
>
>07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
>man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
>optional.
>
>08: on a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
>weakest.
>
>09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
>ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
>playing.
>
>10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
>her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
>flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
>
>11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
>sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
>supermodel...and it's free.
>
>12: only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
>kick another bloke in the nuts.
>
>13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>
>14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>
>15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
>
>16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
>until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or
>LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
>
>17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
>remain sober enough to fight.
>
>18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
>pizza, but not both that's just greedy.
>
>19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
>about his choice of beer.
>
>20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
>except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
>
>21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
>weights:
>
>a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
>b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
>c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
>
>22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
>i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
>situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
>need.
>
>23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
>than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
>Hang up if necessary.
>
>24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
>have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and
>guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
>discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
>
>25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
>her to drive yours.
>
>26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
>orange or sky blue.
>
>27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
>Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox.
End of story.
* * * * * * * * *
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it!

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.

I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
* * * * * * * * *
So there's 3 construction workers working on a skyscraper.
One brunette, one red-head, and a blonde.
At lunch, the brunette opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich.
He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I get them everyday! If I get one more PB&J I'm going to jump off this building!"
Then the red-head opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich.
He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I am so sick of those! Next time, I'm jumping off this building!"
Then the blonde opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich.
He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Will I ever get something else?! One more and I'm jumping too."
The next day each of them open their lunches to discover PB&j's, so they jump off the building and die.
At their funeral the brunette's wife cries and says, "Why did I pack him peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches, why!?"
The red-head wife cries and says, "Why didn't I pack him something else, WHY!?!?"
Then the blonde's wife says, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch."
* * * * * * * * *
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
* * * * * * * * *
>A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
>
>Bear says: " If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering
>with fear."
>
>Lion says: " If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of
>me."
>
>Says the chicken: " Big deal I only have to cough, and the entire
>planet shit's itself."
* * * * * * * * *
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,
'I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'

But the blonde keeps on screaming,
'I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
because we didn't have that as a prize.

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...

'W I N A B A G E L'
* * * * * * * * *
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
* * * * * * * * *
Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathroom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks".
* * * * * * * * *
A Missouri Sheriff
A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO
And talks with an old farmer.

The Sheriif verbally explodes saying,
'Mister, I have the authority of the
Sheriffs Department with me.' Reaching
Into his rear pant pocket and
Removing his badge. The officer proudly
Displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means
I am allowed to go wherever
I wish..on any land. No questions asked
Or answers given.
Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?'

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams
And spies the Sheriff running for
His life and close behind is the farmer's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground
On the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately throws down
His tools, runs to the fence and yells
At the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge!
Show him your badge Smartass!
* * * * * * * * *
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
* * * * * * * * *
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."
* * * * * * * * *
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
* * * * * * * * *
Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.

He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."

Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "FUCK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"

Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."

"Could you hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it"
* * * * * * * * *
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob , saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...
* * * * * * * * *
Q. I have 3 heads, 5 legs, 7 arms and 444 fingers. What am I?
A. A liar.
* * * * * * * * *
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
* * * * * * * * *
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
* * * * * * * * *
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is
* * * * * * * * *
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, I am sorry, we have cherries and olives but no grapes." "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later the duck returns and asks the same bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" "Like I said before, we have cherries and olives, but WE DON'T HAVE GRAPES!" says the bartender. "Oh," says the duck and leaves. But ten minutes later the duck returns and again asks, "Do you have any grapes?" "Look, beak lips," screams the bartender. "WE HAVE NO GRAPES!, we will never have NO grapes! and if you ask me again, I am going to nail your webby little feet to the floor!!!" "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later, the door swings open and the duck returns. The bartender is furious. He slams a bottle of beer down on the bar, stares menacingly at the duck and screams, "WHAT???!!" "Uh...uh...do ...you ...have...any....NAILS?" "Nails? Nails? No, we don't have nails," answers the bartender. "Mmmm," says the duck. "So, do you have any grapes?"
* * * * * * * * *
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
* * * * * * * * *
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
* * * * * * * * *
Q. Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A. Because the farmer had cold hands.

A big thanks to Belle, Fran, Rocko, Paul, Jenny, Mike A., Mike Y., John M, John P, Melanie, and all the anons for the above funnies!!

please keep them coming ~ share a smile or two

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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
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