FUN PAGE: Jokes, Quips, Jokes, Quizzes

Fingers X'd: It is an ill omen to see the new moon for the first time through a glass window and it is wrong to point at the new moon it will bring you hard times. But it is good to cut your hair at the new moon, unless of course, it is a Friday . . . more

Did You Know: Much of the beautiful white sand beaches of the tropical coral islands are made of the excrement of the parrotfish. The parrotfish, whose teeth grow throughout their life, eats around 5 tons of coral (mostly dead) per year and each fish excretes 1 ton of droppings every year, which washes up to the coast line as very fine white sand . . . more

Music: Alice Cooper was cast as a piano-playing waiter in Mae West's final film "Sextette" in 1978. Keith Moon was cast as a Dress Designer and Ringo Starr played the role of Laslo Karolny, a European movie director and the fourth of Marlo Manners's (Mae West aged 85) former husbands . . . more

Wit or Wisdom! "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary" - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) >>>> "Poor Faulkner, Does he really think big emotions come from big words"? - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) . . . more

It's a Record: A World Hanging Record: In December 2011, 37-year-old Suthakaran Sivagnanathurai, a Sri Lankan refugee, tied his hair into a hang rig which he used to suspend himself from an elevated pole. He was suspended by his long, black locks for an astonishing 23 minutes and 24 seconds at Sherwood Uniting Church in Queensland, Australia, setting a new Guinness world record . . . more

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.

I don't have to cross the road!
* * * * * * * *
An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone.

He arrived in Halifax, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son ... it's a local call.'
* * * * * * * *

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’."
* * * * * * * *
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired moustache.
* * * * * * * *
Funny Cyber Sex Conversation.

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
* * * * * * * *
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.'
The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

The next time you hear a politician use the
Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
Whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
But one advertising agency did a good job of
Putting that figure into some perspective in
One of it's releases.

E.
A billion Pounds ago was only
13 hours and 12 minutes,
At the rate our government
Is spending it.

Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Income Tax
Value Added Tax
Unemployment Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Petrol/Diesel Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
(tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Local Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
And our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
And Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle recently;

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so
priceless
and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is
today!

A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October
and
November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then
added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been
£0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in September .'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the
credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

MBNA:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
' Di d you just get what I was telling you. . The part about her being
dead?'

MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her grandson' (Lawyer info given)

MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.' (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can
do to
help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her.
I don't think she will care.'

MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Heaton Cemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'

MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle
Evening Chronicle rang.
* * * * * * * *
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Really, ..." says
Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get
one cheaper off the web."

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor'
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
* * * * * * * *
Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

20. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

21. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

22. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

23. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
* * * * * * * *
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: 'For this I have stretch marks?'
* * * * * * * *
The Fairy & The Immigrant

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --
PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.
And she disappeared
* * * * * * * *
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

And last, but certainly not least:
The Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.
* * * * * * * *
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water?

A big thanks to Mel, Teddy, Doug, Mike A., Mike Y., Jenny, Jo 90, John M, John P, and the anons for the above funnies!!

please keep them coming ~ share a smile or two

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