free sudoku puzzles

** FebrUary . 2010 . JoKes **

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
* * * * * * * * *
In a small midwestern conservative town, there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern.
Liking a "dry" town, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern.
But the night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that - until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building\'s demise in its reply to the court.
At the first hearing, the judge held up the paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit.
"I don\'t know how I'm going to decide this," the judge said, "but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."
* * * * * * * * *
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
* * * * * * * * *
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering, and he goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose, then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper".
* * * * * * * * *
Tip of the Day: Pretend you've won Formula 1 by placing your thumb over the end of the penis at the point of ejaculation.
* * * * * * * * *
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
* * * * * * * * *
I've just wasted £15 on a DVD.
I settled down to watch "Tiger Woods - My favourite 18 holes" only to find it was actually about golf.
* * * * * * * * *
At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Sam and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.'

And Sam wrote: 'I love sex.'
* * * * * * * * *
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."
* * * * * * * * *
Q: What do u find in an empty nose?
A: Finger prints.
* * * * * * * * *
A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
* * * * * * * * *
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

"To apply, push up bottom."
* * * * * * * * *
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
* * * * * * * * *
A Chinese man came home after a late night of drinking, and crawls in bed next to his sleeping wife.
After lying awake for a few minutes, he wakes up his wife and says "Hey honey, wanna do a sixty-nine?
"Well, you've got a lot of nerve !. First you come home late, you're drunk, and now you expect me to go to the kitchin and fix you Mongolian beef with snow-peas !

A big thanks to John M, John P, Mike, Mick, Melanie, Jenny, Pete, Murray, Lisa, Di and the anons for the above funnies!!

please keep them coming ~ share a smile or two
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