JOKES, JOKES AND MORE

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.
* * * * * * *
A man goes to heaven with two friends. When they get there they see ducks everywhere. St. Peter informs them that they can do whatever they want but don't step on the ducks. A week goes by and one man steps on a duck. St. Peter comes out with this ugly woman and says " this is who you will spend eternity with". A month later the second man steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with a hideous woman and says "this is who you will spend eternity with". After a year the third man hadn't stepped on a duck and St. peter shows up with a gorgeous woman. The man can't believe it and says " what could I have done to deserve such a beautiful woman". The woman says "I don't know all I did was step on a duck"
* * * * * * *
One day a blonde and brunette were watching a soap opera on television. On the show, there was a girl standing on a bridge. The brunette turned to the blonde and said, "I bet you $5 that she's going to jump off that bridge." The blonde agreed to the bet. The girl in the show jumped off the bridge, and the blonde handed the brunette the $5. Then the brunette felt guilty and said, "This is a re-run I already saw, I knew she was going to jump." Then the blonde replied, "I saw it before too, but I didn't think the girl would be stupid enough to do it again!"
* * * * * * *
A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"
* * * * * * *
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
* * * * * * *
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
* * * * * * *
An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

"One of them's a cannibal."
* * * * * * *
A couple were driving on the road having a fight, they came across a farm with some pigs.
The husband points to the pig and says are those your relatives?
The wife replies, yes, yes they are .. they are my in-laws!
* * * * * * *
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read "Consultation: $25.00."
* * * * * * *
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
* * * * * * *
Two prisoneers were waiting to be executed. The warden asked if there were any last request.
Prisoneer #1 says,"I want to hear the song La Vita Loca by Ricky Martin played over the intercom as I am being executed. The warden replied "I shall do that". The warden turned to prisoneer #2 and asked. "what would be your last request?" Prisoneer #2 replied, "Could I be executed FIRST?"
* * * * * * *
An old indian was one day suffering wind problems, so he told his apache servent to go to the doctor. When he got there he told the doctor: "Big chief, no fart" So the doctor gave him some tablets and told him to come back in a week. The next week the servant returned "Big chief, no fart" he said again. The doctor sighed and gave him some stronger tablets, telling him to come back in a month. A month later he retuned again,"Big Chief, No fart". getting impatient, the doctor gave him some super strength tablets and told him to come back in a year. One year later the servant came back and announced "Big fart, no chief".
* * * * * * *
Do you know why is 6 scared from 7 ?
Because 7 ate 9..
* * * * * * *
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift.She shook it, held it overhead, and said, " I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." " That's right the boy said, " but how did you know ? " "Oh, just a wild guess, " she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, " I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets. " " That's right, but how did you know ? " asked the girl. " Oh, just a wild guess, said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. " Is it wine ? " she asked. " No the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. " Is it champagne ? " she asked. " No, " the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, " I give up, what is it? With great glee, the boy replied, " It's a puppy! "
* * * * * * *
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen". The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
* * * * * * *
A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
* * * * * * *
Mother Theresa and her nuns were riding there bicycles done the street
but the nuns wouldn't stop giggling so what did Mother Theresa say?...

..."Stop giggling or I'll put the bike seats back on!"
* * * * * * *
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
* * * * * * *
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
* * * * * * *
Just keep in mind this was on live radio....
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions and the significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.

DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.

Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements)

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World.

DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I guess she's trying not to harm his manhood.

DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.
* * * * * * *
Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
* * * * * * *
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, And at the appropriate point in the process. She told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
* * * * * * *
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided
to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch
and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more
pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly
realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'..

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line
with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).

'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'

'Don't worry, Sir' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will
release automatically once it's collected two gallons... Have a nice day'
* * * * * * * * *
Old lady gets stopped for driving at 102 mph: " Officer, I am speeding because, I have to get there before I forget where I'm going ".
* * * * * * * * *
Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words:

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Don't worry, you don't have Alzheimer's, you are just a pervert.
* * * * * * * * *
THE RIOTERS PRAYER

Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy Chavdom come, read it in the sun, in Birmingham , as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our ASBO's, as we happy slap those who got us our ASBO's against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the Chavdom, the Burberry & the Barcardi, forever and ever...Innit !!!!
* * * * * * * * *
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

The teacher sat down and cried.
* * * * * * * * *
*The Hotel Bill
>
> An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her
> significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London 's most
> expensive hotels.
>
> When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.
>
> She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a
> nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an
> overnight stop without even breakfast."
>
> The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted
> on speaking to the Manager..
>
> The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced, "The
> hotel has an Olympic-sized pool, gym and jaccuzi, and a huge
> conference centre which are available
> for use."
>
> "But I didn't use them," she said.
>
> ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
>
> He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the
> in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best
> entertainers from Edinburgh , Glasgow , and Aberdeen performing here,"
> the Manager said.
>
> "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
>
> "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
>
> No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I
> didn't use it!"
>
> The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and
> gave it to the Manager.
>
> The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam,
> this cheque is only made out for £50.00." *
>
> *''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
>
> "But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.
>
> "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have!"
* * * * * * * * *
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'…
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'.

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off… and falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Goodness me.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside… He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup ofcoffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to much drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned ... You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
* * * * * * * * *
Only in America?

British scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken"
* * * * * * * * *
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."
* * * * * * * * *
The 6 affairs

The 1st Affair

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
* * * * * * * * *
The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." - Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " Frank Sinatra ( or was it Deano?)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
* * * * * * * * *
A Few Irish Jokes

The Irish have solved their fuel shortage problems. They imported 50 Million
Tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own Oil.
***
My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for
A pint of milk and never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he
Said 'not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff'.
***
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my
Wife. They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said "I
Know, but she has a lovely personality.
***
After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going
To commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed
Herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought what the heck
Soldier on..!
***
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his
Feet. "What are you doing" he asks. "Hanging myself", Paddy replies. "It
Should be round your neck" says the guard. "I tried that" says paddy
"but I couldn't breathe".
***
Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house - Paddy picks up
A nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing
This until Murphy says "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because
They're upside down!" says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy "Save
'em for the ceiling!!".

Any Send us anything FUNNY!! please email them for everyone to share

A big "thankyou" to everyone who has sent me the above jokes!

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