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JOKE INDEX ~o~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * SepTemBer '16 JoKes * *

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
* * * * * * * * *
The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
* * * * * * * * *
I’ve given up social media for the summer and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while ?applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two ?police officers and a psychiatrist.
* * * * * * * * *
After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a cheque for $150. If I still can’t sleep... I’ll send the rest.”
* * * * * * * * *
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
* * * * * * * * *
It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”
* * * * * * * * *
Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.
The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a d**k."
* * * * * * * * *
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood ?is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”
* * * * * * * * *
These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016!

Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser.

Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.

Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.

Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to a text.

Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.
* * * * * * * * *
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said,
'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
* * * * * * * * *
How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question. = I have 18 questions.

I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.

I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.

No worries. = You really messed up this time.

Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.

Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!
* * * * * * * * *
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really... really love wine.
* * * * * * * * *
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.
* * * * * * * * *
My high school assignment ?was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
* * * * * * * * *
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
* * * * * * * * *
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

* * SepTemBer '15 JoKes * *

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please”.
* * * * * * * * *
A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”

“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”

“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”

“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”

“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”

“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.

“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, admonished.

Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”

* * * * * * * * *
Born free, taxed to death.
::
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
::
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
::
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
::
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
::
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
::
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
* * * * * * * * *
Customer: “How much for this dog?”
Dog dealer: “$5000”
Customer: :”Is not that too much?”
Dog dealer: “Is not the dog wonderful?”
Customer: “Yes, the dog may be too wonderful but is he faithful also?”
Dog dealer: “Yes sir! He had been faithful, I have sold him seven times and he had always been back within 12 hours!”
* * * * * * * * *
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator,"My friend is dead. What can I do?"
The operator says,"Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line.
He says,"OK, now what?"
* * * * * * * * *
How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.

How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.

What bird can lift the most?
A crane.

What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.

What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.

What clothes does a house wear?
Address.

What country makes you shiver?
Chile.

What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something!

What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.

What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the rug say to the floor?
Don't move, I've got you covered.

What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.

What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old.

What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
Dead.

Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.

What do you do when your chair breaks?
Call a chairman.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
Wet feet.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.

What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.

What has 6 eyes but can't see?
3 blind mice.

What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A piano.

What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

What is a tree's favorite drink?
Root beer.

What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.

What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.

What kind of ties can't you wear?
Railroad ties.

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.

What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation.

What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal.

What's green and loud?
A froghorn.

What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.

Why did the doughnut shop close?
The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!

What do you call a snowman with a suntan?
A puddle.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.
* * * * * * * * *
A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
* * * * * * * * *
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother ! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
* * * * * * * * *
A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl” ?
The logician replies: “yes”.
* * * * * * * * *
A nursery school teacher was taking a station

wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck

zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the

fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children

began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one

youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close.

"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find

the fire hydrant
* * * * * * * * *

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week,
phoned her up to arrange a date
but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
* * * * * * * * *
A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."
* * * * * * * * *
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.”

He says, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? ‘Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.” She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he’s reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She answers, “Your horse called.”
* * * * * * * * *
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe.
Pettry amzanig huh?

* * * * * * * * *
I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper's jammin' again.

* * * * * * * * *
This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos.
After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite.
The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city.
The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city.
He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with.
He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door.
The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen.
Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels.
She walks into the room.
The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.
"Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?"
The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"

"What, that's outrageous.

"Come over here" she says walking toward one of the windows
"see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window,
"I own the last two stores on the end.
I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs.
I must be pretty damn good.

"All right, screw it, money is no object."

A half hour after she's done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy.
He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks.
He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself.
"That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?
"Honey, a blow job is $5000.00."

"What, that's outrageous."

"Come over here", she says walking toward another one of the window,
see that hotel and casino over there on the corner", pointing out the window,
"I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good.

"All right, screw it, money is no object"

The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after she's done the guy is laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.

"My god that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a pussy, I would own this whole city."
* * * * * * * * *

Our last fight was my fault.
My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."

====================================
* * SepTemBer '14 JoKes * *

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
*********
An over weight assistant served me in McDonald's at lunch time today and I had to wait quite a while for my meal to arrive. Assistant said, "Sorry about the wait." I said, "Don't worry. You'll find a way to lose it eventually."
*********
GIRL'S DIARY .. Friday June 19th 2014.

Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what
I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found
someone else. cried myself to sleep ………


BOY'S DIARY
.. Thursday June 19th 2014

England lost to Uruguay 2-1. Got a shag though
*********
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." Courtney Cox, Monica on "Friends"

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet". Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like & just give her a house." Rod Stewart

"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)

> "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

"Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. "
Gill Waite

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful. Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"When the sun comes up, I have morals again."
Elizabeth Taylor

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfield

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

*********
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
*********
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"
*********
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the hell is it ??

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the early
bird gets the
Worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play
chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I
go somewhere to get
Something, and then wonder what the hell I'm "here after".

19. I'd much rather be an old has been, than a never was.

20. A wise man was once a fool.

21. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
*********
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, "I think I'm going to have that."
*********
Who can understand men?...
>>
>>1. The nice men are ugly.
>>2. The handsome men are not nice.
>>3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
>>4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
>>5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no
>>money.
>>6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money
>>think we are only after their money.
>>7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
>>8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,
>>don't think we are beautiful enough.
>>9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
>>somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
>>10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some
>>money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE >>FIRST
MOVE!!!!
>>11. The men who never make the first move automatically lose
>>interest in us when we take the initiative.
>>
>>NOW....WHO IN THE HECK UNDERSTANDS MEN?
>>
>>Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
>>a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
>>mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
*********
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very, very
attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use soft hole in tree trunk."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show
you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on
the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer to get a better look,
got an enormous erection and gave her an almighty kick in the
crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to
gasp, "What did you do that for? "Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels."

*********
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: Three.
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £7.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So a pack cost £7.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at around £630. 00 which, in one year, would be £7560.00, correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in one year you spend £7560.00 not accounting for inflation, then in the past 15 years you've spent £113400.00 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a savings account and with compound interest and even with the low interest rates we have been experiencing, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: That's incredible………………………Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: So where's your fucking Ferrari then?
*********
What Size Are You?
A man went into a chemists looking for condoms. Unfortunately he didn't know what size to get. The pharmacist asks him, 'Would you like to find what size you are, Sir?'
The guy agrees and the pharmacist leads him into a room with a board. The board has many differently-sized holes in it. The pharmacist leaves, allowing the guy some privacy to match up his dick with the right hole.
Three hours have gone by and the pharmacist wonders what is taking so long. So, he knocks on the door and sees if the guy is alright. The guy says, "Forget the condoms, I think I'll take the board."
*********
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local Pub until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer. Trick question.. or what !!??
*********
Yuppie loses it

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car
came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the
police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly
about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted
the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you
didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad...", replied the yuppie, finally noticing the
bloody left shoulder where his arm once was,

"Where's my Rolex!!!!!"
*********
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
*********
You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When....

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

*********
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
*********
Why I Didn't Make it in to Work Today

•If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
•I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet. . .
•I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
•When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
•I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
•I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the supermarket.
•Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
•Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
•I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
•The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
•The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
•I prefer to remain an enigma.
•My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
•I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
•I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
•I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
•My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son.
•I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
•I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come in?
*********
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other guy asked, " Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, " I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. To do the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other,
"Why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied, "I've come for a urine test."

*********
WEIRDOs

Detroit, Oregon - A hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead.

Redondo Beach, California - After a short chase, officer Joseph Fonteno charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI. The car had been driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: "It came with the car when I bought it."

Australia - The Australian Police Journal reported that an elderly woman had already used about half of the powder in a custard packet when she discovered an object that appeared to be a large dead cockroach. However, when she brought it to the Health Department, food analysts determined it to be a dried-up human finger. The following investigation revealed that a factory worker had lost two fingers in a machine with rotating blades. One finger had been found. The other had made its way into the custard packet the woman had bought.

Pochatello, Idaho - In February, 1997 a 46-year-old female elementary school principal was charged with misdemeanor trespass, based on photographs taken by former police dispatcher Richard Clothier. Clothier had taken the pictures in order to find out who had been running onto his property since September, defecating in his front yard on Sundays. In a pre-trial conference the woman admitted in front of several witnesses that she had indeed defecated 21 times on Clothier's lawn, as well as about 5 times on the lawns of his neighbors.

Edmonton, Alberta - The driver of an armored truck appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. Six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, which had been swerving left and right. As it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

Sacramento, California - An elderly gentleman walked into a police station and reported that he thought he had robbed a Wells Fargo Bank a few days earlier. The police officers didn't take his confession too seriously because he was very old, suffered from obvious physical ailments, carried a white hospital bag, and admitted that he wanted to go back into Kaiser Hospital's psychiatric ward. He also couldn't remember the exact day, time, location of the bank, or the nearest cross street. However, after an intensive interrogation, FBI agents found out that the senior citizen had indeed robbed the bank and was responsible for three other bank robberies.

Antioch, California - A 22-year-old man was arrested after allegedly ordering a stranger to fix his truck at gunpoint.

San Francisco, California - Dan White, a city supervisor, killed Mayor George Moscone and Harvey Milk, another supervisor. White's lawyers said that eating a Twinkie had made his blood sugar level rise so high, it caused his psychotic episode. this resulted in the charges against White being dropped from murder one to involuntary manslaughter.

Mount Shasta, California - Joy Glassman, the 60-year-old mother of a firefighter, was charged with five counts of arson. She allegedly set the fires to help her son's career.

Boynton, Florida - For their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy, Michael Harrison and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder.

Woburn, Massachusetts - In Agust 1996, police investigated complaints about the Anchor Baptist Church. The church allegedly lured kids from a nearby housing project by promising them pizza and then baptized them without their parents' permission.

Sanger, Texas - Four teenagers, including the police chief's son, broke into a funeral home. They had planned to steal embalming fluid, dip cigarettes in it and smoke them. But when they couldn't find any fluid, they decided to cut off the finger of a corpse and took turns trying to smoke it.

Pennsylvania - A bank robber was sentenced to 24 years in prison. Instead of wearing masks, he and his accomplice had thought that rubbing citric acid on their faces would somehow blur their images on the security cameras.

Pikeville, Kentucky - After a fight with his girlfriend's 16-year-old son over rent money, Jesse James Taylor drove himself to the emergency room of the Methodist Hospital with part of a butcher knife in his back and a meat cleaver stuck in his head. After successful surgery, he was released the very next day.

Ogdgen, Utah - A man wearing a clown costume, make-up, a purple wig, and bedroom slippers assaulted a mechanic living in a trailer. The Ogden Standard-Examiner reported that the clown had knocked on the mechanic's door and had demanded to see "Kathy." When the mechanic had explained that he didn't know anyone named Kathy, the clown had accused him of having an affair with her, grabbed the lamp, hit him over the head and ran away.

Wandsworth, England - In 1993, Karl Watkin was sentenced to 18 months in prison for pretending to have sex with a sidewalk. In April, 1996, he was convicted of gross indecency and sentenced to 6 years in prison for simulating sexual intercourse with garbage bags. In September, he commited suicide in his cell.

Appleton, Wisconsin - Darrell Voeks was arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of farm pigs to pay for breast implants for his favorite stripper at a local club. He was sentenced to ten years in prison.

Key West, Florida - A restaurant worker killed another as the result of a heated argument over how to put silverware into a dishwasher.

Ypsilanti, Michigan - The Ann Arbor News reported that a man failed to rob a Burger King because the clerk told him he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. So the man ordered onion rings, but the clerk informed him that they weren't available for breakfast. The frustrated robber left.

St. Peters, Missouri - A gunman robbed a 711 store, but returned the money minutes later because his car wouldn't start. Amazingly, the store clerks came out to the parking lot and gave the robber's car a jump start. Police Officer David Kuppler commented: "We have a very friendly town out here."

Niagara Falls, Ontario - The operators of Casino Niagara told a local newspaper that customers urinating around slot machines had become a serious problem. Customers who believed a slot machine would soon pay off were afraid to leave the machines and either wore adult diapers, urinatedinto the platic coin cups or simply on the floor next to the machines.

Grande Ronde, Oregon - Sixty-seven-year-old Arthur Mooney died of a heart attack in the Spirit Mountain Casino. While his body lay right there on the floor for an hour, the other customers continued to play the slot machines.

Vanuatu, South Pacific - The entire 300-men-strong police force of the island nation was arrested after kidnapping a visiting politician from Australia and attempting to use the hostage as leverage in a dispute with the government concerning overtime pay.

Stockholm, Sweden - Customs officers arrested a woman who had tried to smuggle 75 live snakes in her bra. The officers became suspicious when they noticed how the woman kept scratching her chest.

Tegucigalpa, Honduras - To combat the spread of HIV, prison officials at the Central Penitentiary decided to encourage male inmates to marry each other, thus vowing to be faithful to just one sexual partner. The same-sex marriages are valid only in the prison. Eight couple have already tied the knot.

Scarborough, England - On June 22, 1996, a totally wrecked Ford was found at the bottom of a 100-foot cliff. Police found no sign of the driver but discovered a pile of human feces on the driver's seat.

Cameroon - Lynch mobs from several towns hanged three men who had been accused of evil witchcraft. The men supposedly had the ability to make other men's genitalia shrink or even disappear. Similar penis panics have been reported in China, where it is called "shook yang" and in Malaysia, where natives call the superstition "koro".
*********
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

====================================
JoKes
* * SepTemBer '13 JoKes * *

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
* * * * * * *

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all escape from prison. They hear the cops coming so they each climb a tree.
The cops come and shine flashlights in the trees.
They shine a light on the tree with the brunette and she goes "whoo whoo" like an owl.
They shine the light in the redhead's tree, she goes "Tweet Tweet" like a bird.
They shine the light on the blonde’s tree......"Moooooo"
* * * * * * *
Why do you always go to balcony when your wife starts singing?
So that no one would think I’m beating her.
* * * * * * *
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who ran infront of the bus?
A: He got tired

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius!

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
* * * * * * *
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."
* * * * * * *
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
* * * * * * *

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird".
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my todger around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The man looks at the £200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20. Just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hardon and fell off my perch!"
* * * * * * *
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
* * * * * * *
Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me.
All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates.
Three days ago Doe kisses him.
Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex.
Yesterday, who sucks his dick?
* * * * * * *
A gorgeous blonde was sitting at a bar when a very short guy walks up to her.

"Hi," he says. "I'm a leprechaun and I'm in a wonderful mood today. I'm going to grant three wishes for you."

"Hey, that's great! For my first wish I'd like a million dollars," she said.

The leprechaun waves his arms and says "Done. In the trunk of your car is a suitcase with one million dollars in it. What is your second wish?"

"For my second wish I'd like a fancy apartment on Fifth Avenue."

The leprechaun waves his arms again and says, "It's yours, and I even threw in the furnishings. Now, for your final wish."

The blonde replies, "I want a boyfriend who looks like a Greek god and is hung like a horse!"

"Done!" says the leprechaun. "He is waiting for you in the bed at your new apartment."

"Wow!! This was so nice of you! I've got to go see him right away!" and she jumps up from the bar stool.

"Hey, wait a minute!" the leprechaun says. Don't you think you owe me a small favor in return for everything I've given you?"

"Well...ok. What did you have in mind?" she asks.

"I think a blow job would be a fair trade."

The blonde agrees, so they go over to a dark corner in the bar and she accomodates him. Afterwards, he says "By the way...how old are you, anyway?"

"I'm 25. Why do you ask?"

He replies, "You mean to tell me you are 25 years old and you still believe in leprechauns?"
* * * * * * *
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.
'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks
'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'
* * * * * * *
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a fantastic looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the aroma was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

"Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! We call that dish Cojones de Toro or bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A true delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am very sorry Senor. We have only one serving a day because we have only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order. That evening they served him the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he asked for the waiter and, "These are delicious, but they are so much smaller than what you served yesterday."

Shrugging, the waiter said, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
* * * * * * *
A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will

cost her $300, she exclaims,"I don’t have any money... but I’ll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything?"

And the blonde says, "Yes.... ANYTHING!!" With that the man says, "Follow me!"

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.Then he says,

"Go ahead, take it out."

With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!!"

She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "HELLO, MOM?"
* * * * * * *
There was a ventrilloquist who was doing his usual comedy bit with his little wooden dummy perched on his lap. Toward the end of his act he launched into a long series of "dumb blonde" jokes with the dummy delivering all the punch lines. After the show was over this blonde woman approached the ventrilloquist and angrily said "Look, I was really seriously offended at all those dumb blonde jokes you just told" The ventrilloquist said "Well, I apologize, but please understand they were just jokes, it was nothing personally directed at you". The blonde lady then said "Hey, I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to that little smartaleck on your lap there"
* * * * * * *
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven O'clock every night ......... Whether you're here or not."
* * * * * * *
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird".
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my todger around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The man looks at the £200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20. Just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hardon and fell off my perch!"

* * * * * * *
One day, a blonde and a brunette decided to have a race to see who can make it to the bottom of the cliff first. The cliff was just straight down. All they had to do was jump and wait to land.

Guess who won.

The brunette.

WHY???

Because the blonde had to stop for directions.

====================================

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