PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGES
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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * October 2012 JoKes * *

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
* * * * * * * * *
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.

Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."
* * * * * * * * *
A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24.
* * * * * * * * *
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him.

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus.
* * * * * * * * *
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother"
* * * * * * * * *
The captain of the Titanic gathers his passengers and tells them:
“I have some news for you: one is bad and one is good. Which one do you want to hear first?”
“The bad one!”
“In the next couple of hours the ship will break in two and sink!”
“And what about the good news?”
“We’ll get 11 Oscars for that!”
* * * * * * * * *
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing".
* * * * * * * * *
Psychiatrist to Banta:
Do you ever hear someone speaking but you are not able to seem them?
Banta: Yes
Psychiatrist: When does this happen?
Banta: When I am speaking on the phone.
* * * * * * * * *
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".
* * * * * * * * *
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook"
* * * * * * * * *
One day Little Timmy caught his mom and dad having sex.
Little Timmy asks his dad "Can I join you?"
His dad asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Timmy replies "No."
"Then no." Dad replies.
Later on he catches his dad looking at porn.
Timmy asks "Can I look with you Daddy?"
His dad asks again "Can your dick touch your ass?"
"No."
"Then no."
Later that night Little Timmy is eating cookies.
His dad walks into the kitchen and asks "Can I have a cookie?"
Timmy asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"
His dad replies "Yes."
"Then go fuck yourself these cookies are mine!"
* * * * * * * * *
A man was walking at mid-night on the road adjacent to the graveyard. It was very dark. He was looking left and right and one could say that he was very nervous. He saw another man walking a little ahead of him and increased his pace so that he could catch up with him for company till he crosses the graveyard.

He said to him, "It looks very scary here. Hope there are no ghosts over here."

The other man replied, "I guess not. I have been living here since I died twenty years ago and haven't seen one yet."
* * * * * * * * *
Just keep in mind this was on live radio....
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions and the significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.

This particular day it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First name only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married" or what, Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.

DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.

Brian: About 8 this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: Okay, final question: where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...

DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones...*ringing*)

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, Okay? Sara: Oh, Brian.

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World.

Sara: All right.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING.

DJ: Great! That's one. Now! How long did it last?

Sara: Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, 14 minutes I think DING DING DING.

DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I guess she's trying not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Last question: where did you do it?

Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!

Brian: Just tell him honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?

Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and...

DJ: SHE SAW?!?!

Sara: BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?!

Brian: NO, no she didn't.

DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you told them this.

Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: In the ass. (long pause)

DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.
* * * * * * * * *
“My uncle is a bishop and everybody calls him... Your Holiness”

“My uncle is an ambassador and everybody calls him... Your Excellency”

“You guys got nothing on me! My uncle is 500 pounds and everybody exclaims... Oh My God! when they see him!”
* * * * * * * * *
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!
* * * * * * * * *
“Daddy, I’d like to help and old man. Can I have some money? A dollar maybe two?
“Well done my son! That is a very nice gesture! Here’s 5 bucks. Now where is that poor man?”
“He’s down the street selling ice cream!”
* * * * * * * * *
A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...........

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down???"

* * * * * * * * *
* * October 2011 JoKes * *

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning
available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the
car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in
bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their
granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her
Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great ' ' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?

We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'
* * * * * * * * *
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his
father " Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and
'realistically'?"

His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son.....go and ask
your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would!
She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she
would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if
he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad........

Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.

Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof
* * * * * * * * *
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being one of the
fastest guns in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the
old-timer, bought him a drink and told him that his great
ambition was to be a fast gun.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot
the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.
'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in
a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed
the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over
to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,'
said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Doc Holliday gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and mebbe it won't hurt as much.
* * * * * * * * *
A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and says, “I’ll bet anyone in here a beer that my pet octopus here can play any instrument you bring before it.” So, a man brings up his bugle, and the octopus begins playing reveille. After downing his free beer, the man repeats his boast. Next a man walks up with a trombone. The octopus begins playing a Glenn Miller tune perfectly. Again the man drinks his beer and repeats his boast. This time, a man brings up some bagpipes. But instead of playing it, the octopus just looks confused. The man asks, “What’s the matter, can’t you play them?” To which the octopus responds, “Play it? I’m gonna f*ck it as soon as I figure out how to get it’s clothes off!”
* * * * * * * * *
From Punch Magazine 1957.

Bear in mind that they took no risks then either..Not much changed otherwise!!

Q: What are banks for?

A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?

A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?

A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?

A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?

A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?

A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven't got it?

A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?

A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?

A: Yes, usually £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?

A: Because it isn't theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?

A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?

A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?

A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?

A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?

A: You can't really say that.

Q: But you've just said it! If I put £100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same £100 isn't it?

A: Yes, but...

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?

A: Theoretically...

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??

A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?

A: Well, when they lend your £100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit.

Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?

A: It's the theory of banking practice that...

Q: When I lend them my £100 why don't I charge them interest?

A: You do.

Q: You don't say. How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?

A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!

A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?

A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?

A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?

A: Then they'll let you have some other customers money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too....and they've already let me have it?

A: You're being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?

A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?

A. YOU GOT IT!
* * * * * * * * *
The Green Thing

In the line at the supermarket, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The checkout responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocers and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go half a mile.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the Wales .

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a tap when we were thirsty instead of a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
* * * * * * * * *
> A US Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the Congressman turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
>
> The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
>
> 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about the banking crisis?' and he smiles.
>
> OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting and timely topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?'
>
> The Congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
>
> To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss banking when you don't know shit?
* * * * * * * * *
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy.
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" Shurr," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish".
* * * * * * * * *
Confucius Say:

*~*~*~

Man who run in
front of car get tired.

*~*~*~

Man who run behind
car get exhausted.

*~*~*~

Man with one
chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~

Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~

Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~

Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~

War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.

*~*~*~

Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.

*~*~*~

Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~

It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~

Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.

*~*~*~

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
* * * * * * * * *
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den a two asses come together. I come a once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and a pee twice. Then I come one a lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," complained the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who's a talkin' abouta sexa? Ima justa tellin' my friend how you a spella Mississippi."
* * * * * * * * *
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,

enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them..
They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.
A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness. And a friend like me??
Hell...that's just a sign of good taste!!
* * * * * * * * *
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought at first it was wind.........................

But I was wrong!"
* * * * * * * * *
A man in London walked into the produce section

Of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him
That they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence,
He turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him,
So he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier,
We like people who can think on their feet here,
Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said,
"Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager,
" My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy,
"Who'd she play for?"
* * * * * * * * *
The plane's Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence, that they're not getting along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replies: "Oaaah, you no like Chinese? why?".. "You people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese.".. "Nooo, nooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.".. "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all the same." Another thirty minutes of silence. Then the First Officer says: "I not like Jews.".. "Why not? why don't you like Jews?".. "Jews sink Titanic." "The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.".. "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg, no mattah ... alla same."

* * * * * * * *
A big thanks to John M, John P, Mike, Mick, Melanie, Jenny, Patrick, Jo, Kerry, Pete, Si and the anons for the above funnies!!
* * * * * * * *

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