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* * October 2016 JoKes * *

An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond
necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you're not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband.
I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to
go crazy looking for the jewelry."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to
take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and
got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old
ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked,
got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand
nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and
sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and
wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have
a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what
I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the
bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Three international convicts were on the way to prison. They
were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy
their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you

The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that
he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the
"Claude Monet of prison."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and said,
"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and
any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to
himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so
smug? What did you bring?"

The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.
He said. "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according
to this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night
when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom,
flings open her robe and yells:

"Super Pussy!"

The old man says: "I'll have the soup."
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
A bar had a sign in the window advertising that they needed
a piano player.

A scroungy looking old guy, dressed like a bum, entered the
bar and told the bartender he was interested in the job. The
bartender wasn't too impressed with the looks, but figured,
what the hell, and pointed the old guy to the piano in the

The old man sat down and started to play the most beautiful,
melodious piece of music the people in the bar had ever heard.
All talk stopped during the song, and when he stopped, they
all applauded.

"Hey, Man, you're good," said the barkeep. "What was that?"

"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all
night long.'"

"Interesting title," said the bartender. "Got another?"

The man broke into a foot stompin' honky-tonk piece that brought
the bar patrons to their feet, clapping along until it was
finished, at which time they again gave him a thunderous round
of applause.

"You are great, Man. Really great. What do you call that one,"
asked the bartender?

"That's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt,
baby, till you scream and holler.'" He then said, "If you'll
excuse me, I'd like to use the restroom."

While he was gone, the bartender decided to offer him the job,
starting immediately.

He returned a moment or two later, and the bartender said,
"If you want the job, it's yours."

He looked down and noticed the man hadn't 'quite' finished his
trip to the restroom.

"By the way," he asked him, "Do you know your dick's hanging out
for all the world to see?"

"KNOW IT? he asked, "HELL, I WROTE IT!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Housework Done Properly Can Kill You
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
What a Woman Says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry
right now you'll have no clothes to wear."

What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

There once was a monastery that was very strict. Following
a vow of silence, no one was allowed to speak at all. But
there was one exception to this rule. Every ten years, the
monks were permitted to speak just two words.

After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one
monk went to the head monk. "It has been ten years," said
the head monk "What are the two words you would like to speak?"

"Bed... hard..." said the monk.

"I see," replied the head monk.

Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk's office.
"It has been ten more years," said the head monk. "What are
the two words you would like to speak?"

"Food... stinks..." said the monk.

"I see," replied the head monk.

Yet another ten years passed and the monk again met with the
head monk who asked, "What are your two words now, after these
ten years?"

"I...quit!" said the monk.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed
and said, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have
a word with him. Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead
of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from
a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's
so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do
for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
World Ideologies Explained by Reference to Cows.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and
puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take
care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are cared for by former chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took
from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk
and eggs the rules say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you
to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and
your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who
has the most "need." Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk,
and the cows drop dead of starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You take care of them but
the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as
you can and sell it on the black market.

PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but
the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you
can and sell it on the "free" market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both
and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and
drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor decides who gets
the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays
you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the
other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to
fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you
money to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a
fair price, or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to
take harmonica lessons.

OLYMPICS-ISM: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With
the help of trilling violins and state-of-the-art montage
photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the
American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with
divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow
was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and saw its parents
butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition,
severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a
multi-million-dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow
is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials
though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and
serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

LIMBAUGHISM: You used to have two cows. They may be dead; you don't
know, because you can't smell them through the stench rising off
your unwashed, 1,500-pound bulk. It's been six years since you
could fit into the shower. You blame the entire situation on an
evil government conspiracy, and click the remote to another talk

X-FILES-ISM: Your two cows turn out to be the government.
They milk YOU. You are saved by two generic bimbos, a female
and a male with blow-dried hair, after (1) a car chase, involving
UFOs, (2) a gunfight, and (3) a seance. The aliens get the
advertising revenue after the Nielsens rise.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Three guys were in a bar and they were all pretty smashed.
The first guy said, "I bet that if I had one more beer, I
could fly!" The other guys bought their friend another drink.
After the first guy finished, he walked up to a nearby cliff
and jumped off. The other two guys stared in disbelief as the
first guy fell, fell, and then suddenly swooped up and landed
on the cliff.

The second guy said, "I bet I can do that too!" He ran down
to the bar, chugged a beer, and ran back up to the cliff.
Then the second guy jumped off the cliff, fell, fell, and
crashed into the ground below.

The third guy turned to the first guy and said, "You're a real
jerk when you're drunk, Superman!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The balcony of the execution chamber was full as the old
murderer was led to the electric chair. Wires were
attached to his head, chest, and arms. To put the wires
on his legs, the executioner cut the man's pants at the
knees, but then the head of the prisoner's dick popped out one
of the slits. The gallery of witnesses began to laugh hysterically.

The old man looked up and shouted,
"Laugh, you sons of bitches, but if you was as scared as me,
yours would shrink up, too!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in
the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that
some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of
heaven, others, though were led over to Satan who threw them
into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling
a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one
side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's
curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and
tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,"
he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't
help wondering why are you tossing those people aside instead
of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"

"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan.

"They're all from Ireland, They're too wet to burn!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

October 2015 JoKes * *

3 Greeks and 3 Turks are travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, the 3 Turks each buy tickets and watch as the 3 Greeks buy only a single ticket.
"How are 3 people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one Turk.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one Greek. They all board the train.
The Turks take their respective seats but all three Greeks cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, " Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Turks saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Turks decide to copy the Greeks on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Greeks don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Turk. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Greek.
When they board the train the 3 Turks cram into a restroom and the 3 Greeks cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Greeks leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Turks are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
* * * * * * * * * *
One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied Batman. I'd love to, but Wonderwoman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her." "Darn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down.
"Hey G.L., I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comicland?"
"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonderwoman is far and away the best lay in comicland, why don't you try her?" "Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
Then he saw Wonderwoman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted.
"Goddarn it!" he thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here."
So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.
Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "But my ass is killing me."
* * * * * * * * * *
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
* * * * * * * * * *
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke.
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies "Yes I do!" and hands over a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised, the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? "
Sure says the other man
"Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other
As he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle
10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other
" Your genie really sucks at hearing doesnt he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
* * * * * * * * * *
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant,

"Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ... you don't have the guts to pull the trigger
* * * * * * * * * *
"So I rang up my local swimming baths and I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'Well that depends where you're calling from.'"
* * * * * * * * * *
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
* * * * * * * * * *
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a good looking girl and starts looking at his watch.
The girl notices this and asks him if his date is late.
"Oh, no!" he replies, "I've just got this new state-of-the-art watch, and I was just about to test it."
"What does it do?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
"Ha! Well it must be broken then because I am!"
"Damn! This thing must be an hour fast."
* * * * * * * * * *
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...
* * * * * * * * * *
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
* * * * * * * * * *
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
* * * * * * * * * *
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'C
amper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'
* * * * * * * * * *
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North."
Yes, I do."
Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!
* * * * * * * * * *
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
* * * * * * * * * *
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
* * * * * * * * * *
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
* * * * * * * * * *
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
* * * * * * * * * *
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Texan are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn,there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy vino glass, Vinny buys a vino glass"
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Texan guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Raw Hide At Raw Hide, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Texan, "but it happened to my sister!"
* * * * * * * * * *
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home? "Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"
* * * * * * * * * *
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

October 2014 JoKes * *

The rules for a safe and Happy Halloween!

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

19. If you find that:
a. your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
b. was once a church that was used for black masses,
c. had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or
d. had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house,

20. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
* * * * * * * * *

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

* * * * * * * * *

It was Halloween and Little red riding hood was walking through the forst on her way to the haunted house for a party. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a wolf hiding in the grass. She said what big ears you have and he says the better to hear you with & he runs off... Then she spied him again hiding behind a tree & she says what big eyes you have, the better to see you with he says & runs off... Then she sees him hiding behind a rock & says what big teeth you have & he says damit whould you leave me a lone I'm trying to take a poop, you darn nosey little brat.
* * * * * * * * *

Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling

Q: Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?
A: They're afraid of flying off the handle

Q: Why does a witch ride a broom?
A: Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.

Q: What do you call a witch's garage?
A: A broom closet.
* * * * * * * * *

A woman, whose husband often came home drunk, decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm the Devil!" she responded. "Well, come on home with me," he said, "and meet your long lost sister!"
* * * * * * * * *

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for
laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his
breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a
ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"My family are such fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my
name and here I have to correct it!"
* * * * * * * * *

I am not scared of goblins or ghouls and things that go bump in the night
Werewolves and bats and witches and such do not give me much of a fright ...
But there is this one thing that scares me to death and only this one thing I fear
And that's to open my fridge at night and find that I'm all out of beer.
* * * * * * * * *

Q. Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
A. Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!

Q: Why do vampires need mouthwash?
A: They have bat breath...

Q: What happens when two vampires meet?
A: It was love at first bite!

Q: What is a vampires least favorite food?
A: Steak in garlic sauce

Q: What's a Vampire's least favorite song?
A: Another one bites the dust!

Q: How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
A: So long sucker!

Q: What is Dracula's favorite restaraunt?
A: Murder King

Q: Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist?
A: Because he likes to draw blood!

Q: What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A: A grave problem.

Q: What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It's a pain in the neck.
* * * * * * * * *

There was a seminar on "Psychic Phenomena" going on, when the speaker decided to involve the audience. He first asked, "Everyone who has ever seen a ghost, please stand up." Well, nearly the entire audience stood up.

He then asked, "Everyone who has ever had a close encounter with a ghost, please remain standing." About 2 dozen people were still standing.

He then asked how many people had been in the same room as a ghost and 6 people stood up.

Finally he asked, "Anyone who has ever had SEX with a ghost, please remain standing." Everyone sat down except this one man.

When the speaker demanded if he had REALLY had sex with a ghost, the guy replied, "Oh, I am very sorry, I thought you said GOAT."
* * * * * * * * *

Two 5 year old black kids (boy and girl) went out trick or treating in a rich Texas suburb. The other kids said this Texas Oil Billionaire was giving out ipods.
So they knocked on this guys door and said trick or treat, The guy asked them what they were dressed as? The little girl said "Jack n Jill" The guy said "You cant be Jack n Jill your black" So the kids left and came back and the guy said "And what are you guys supposed to be this time?" The little girl said "Hansel n Gretal" The guy says "You cant be Hansel n Gretal your black" So the kids leave upset only to come back a few min later. This time they were naked. The guys says " and just what are you supposed to be now?" The little girl says "M&M’s, I’m plain and he got nuts"
* * * * * * * * *

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party".
* * * * * * * * *

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked. "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."
* * * * * * * * *

10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren't...

1. So...What'd you get in the sack?

2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!

3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!

5. I got the best piece from that house.

6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling....

8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!

9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it!
* * * * * * * * *

Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in his life.

Q: What did the corpse' mom do when her son was bad?
A: Ground him

Q: What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes?
A: A cereal killer.

Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they eat the fingers separately...

* * * * * * * * *
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."

The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin boiunced after him faster....faster...BUMPBUMPBUMP.

He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.

With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin...and suddenly "the coffin stops."
* * * * * * * * *

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter) and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”

The drunk, still staring down replied: “I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.”
* * * * * * * * *

If you come to my house on Halloween don't be surprised if you see two scary goblins ...
I sometimes forget to botton my house coat.
* * * * * * * * *


Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween activities, for example:

WITCH BURNING: Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on shit. What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged women.

WINDOW WAXING: These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-, motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights, if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.

TRICK-OR-TREATING: This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.

And then there are the treats themselves:

Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride free) dentifrice.

Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.

Certain traditional Halloween games are not politically correct:

That icky old "autopsy" game in which you blindfold little kids and tell them a plate of spaghetti is guts and a bowl of peeled grapes is eyeballs will cost you your homeowners insurance because of the choking hazard, and due to the risk of suits for emotional damage.

Pin the tail on the donkey, with a real pin? Uh uh, cruelty to animals, or their depiction, is a no-no.

Bobbing for apples is permitted, as long as there's an equal (and not separate) opportunity to Jane for them, too.

Jill-o'-lanterns are encouraged, after 1999 they will be mandatory.

And, finally, costumes:

Ghosts are out of date. Casper is clearly a dead, white male, probably European, and full of hot air to boot.

Fairy princess costumes might offend both gays and feminists.

Frankenstein monster costumes will offend transplant recipients, not to mention employment-producing neck-bolt manufacturers.

Dracula outfits will bring stern warning letters from the Transylvanian consulate.

Those neat masks with jaws rotted away, eyes bulging on distended optic stalks and massive, oozing wounds will get you in trouble with lawyers who specialize in representing accident victims on contingency bases. Which is to say, all of them.

Disney costumes. Sleepy and Dopey will anger the vertically-impaired, Cinderella the adoption agencies, and Aladdin the Arab-American lobby. Uncle Remus? You might as well wear your robe and pointy hat. A cow person? Perhaps, but don't pack a gun. And don't even think about punching a cow.

So there you are. The scariest thing about Halloween these days is that you're not allowed to offend or scare anyone. And if someone scares you, you can't scream. In some communities, any auditory emissions over 75 decibels is a zoning violation punishable by a fine and/or jail term. Whether you can react instead with a sullen but non-denominational moment of silence will be considered later this term by the Supreme Court. Until then, do so at your own risk
* * * * * * * * *

Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween?
Me: Drunk!

Which ghost is the best dancer?
The Boogie Man!

Thank goodness for Halloween,
all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween?
Pump kin!

When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims?
On Fry Day

What do you call a Halloween boner?
Petrified wood

Q: How do you write a book about halloween?
A: With a ghostwriter.

Two monsters went to a Halloween party.
Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"
The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."
* * * * * * * * *


Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.

Leos plan their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.

Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.

Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.

Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.

Aquarius builds the costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.
* * * * * * * * *

Vampires sleep all day, Fly where ever they want for free
and can't see themselves in a mirror
Where do I sign??
* * * * * * * * *

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.

After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.

The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled.

He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.

The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
* * * * * * * * *

Vampire 1: "I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died."
Vampire 2: "How awful!"
Vampire 1: "Yes. Fortunately, I found some in the neck of time."
* * * * * * * * *

Q: Who was the most famous ghost detective?
A: Sherlock Moans.

Q: Why do ghosts shiver and moan?
A: It's drafty under that sheet.

Q: Where do ghosts go out?
A: Where they can get boooooo-ze.

Q: Why can't Boy Ghosts make babies??
A: Because they have Hollow-Weenies!

Q: Why don't ghost have bands?
A: They get booooooooooed.

Q: How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
A: So long sucker!

Q: What is a Ghost's favorite food?
A: HamBoogers
* * * * * * * * *

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, “Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… The guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
* * * * * * * * *

The New York Post reports that many trick-or-treaters want to dress up as Osama bin Laden, the hunted head of the al-Queda terrorist network.

"Bin Laden is big," says Abracadabra costume shop owner Paul Blum. "People keep coming in asking for the mask." Blum says that he's so far been unable to find any bin Laden masks, but that he's "checking around to see if I can get any..."

... Ironically, everyone in Afghanistan is trying their best NOT to look like Bin Laden during October..
* * * * * * * * *

Q. Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A. It’s good for the bones.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to see a scary movie?
A: He didn't have the guts.

Q: What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
A: You suck.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.

Q: Why did the skeleton go to a BBQ?
A: For the spare ribs.

Q: Who was the most famous French skeleton?
A: Napoleon bone-apart

Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body!

Q: Why can't a Skeleton Lift Weights?
A: He's all bone & no muscle.

Q: Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
A: Because they don't have any body to go out with
* * * * * * * * *

A daring vacationer is walking through a graveyard on Halloween when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where it’s coming from.

She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, “Ludwig van Beethoven.”

Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.

Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.

By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about” says the caretaker. “He’s just decomposing!!”
* * * * * * * * *


On the first day of Halloween
My postman brought to me,
A Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the second day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the third day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fourth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fifth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the sixth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the seventh day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eighth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the ninth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the tenth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eleventh day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Eleven coffins creaking,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the twelfth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Twelve skeletons a-dancing,
Eleven coffins creaking,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the thirteenth day of Halloween,
Before this could happen ...
... I Moved!

October 2013 JoKes * *

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Ken and his wife, Janet, listened
to the instructor declare:
“It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
important to each other”.

He then addressed the men:
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Ken leaned over, touched Janet’s arm gently, and whispered,
“It's Homepride, isn't it?"

. . . . . . and thus began Ken's life of celibacy!!
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

> > What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
> >
> > Definitely not!
> >
> > WIFE:
> > Why not - don't you like being married?
> >
> > Of course I do.
> >
> > WIFE:
> > Then why wouldn't you remarry?
> >
> > Okay, I'd get married again.
> >
> > WIFE:
> > You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
> >
> > (Makes audible groan).
> >
> > WIFE:
> > Would you live in our house?
> >
> > Sure, it's a great house.
> >
> > WIFE:
> > Would you sleep with her in our bed?
> >
> > Where else would we sleep?
> >
> > WIFE:
> > Would you let her drive my car?
> >
> > Probably, it is almost new.
> >
> > WIFE:
> > Would you replace my pictures with hers?
> >
> > That would seem like the proper thing to do.
> >
> > WIFE:
> > Would she use my golf clubs?
> >
> > No, she's left-handed.
> >
> > WIFE:
> > - silence - -
> >
> >
> > ----F*ck......
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Feeling smarter yet?

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
> After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
> Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
> The doctor replied, "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are
> fine. However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened
> immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them."
> The woman thought to herself, "Oh my god, no, not me brother.
> He's a clueless idiot.”
> Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
> "Denise," said the doctor.
> The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, 'Wow,
> that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother,
> I really like Denise.'
> Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
> The doctor replied, "Denephew."
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Wouldn't it be amazing, if this was to be introduced in the UK
This is the actual message you get when you phone the Australian social services/benefit office! Fantastic....


"Press '1' if you speak English.
Press '2' to disconnect until you can...
* * * * * * * * * * * * *


If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush an d toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man m arries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed..
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, sec ret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again.. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also
lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers
to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies... The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.... He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The
man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline,
but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges
saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had..

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
>>> Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
>>> Where do they go?
>>> Wonder no more ! ! !
>>> It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
>>> If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
>>> The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
>>> "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
>>> "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Who Knew???

1. To remove a bandage painlessly,

saturatethe bandage with vodka.
The stuff dissolves adhesive.


2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers,
fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking,
let set five minutes and wash clean.

The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.


3. To clean your eyeglasses,

simply wipe the lenses with a soft,
clean cloth dampened with vodka.
The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.


4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka
and letting your safety razor blade
soak in the alcohol after shaving.

The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.


5. Spray vodka on wine stains,

scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.


6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face

as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.


7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.

The alcohol cleanses the scalp,removes toxins from hair,
and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.


8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka

and spray bees or wasps to kill them.


9 Pour one-half cup vodka
and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag

and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches,
pain or black eyes.


10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar
with freshly packed lavender flowers,

fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly
and set in the sun for three days.
Strain liquid through a coffee filter,
then apply the tincture to aches and pains.


11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth

to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.


12. To cure foot odor,

wash your feet with vodka.


13 Vodka will disinfect

and alleviate a jellyfish sting.


14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy

to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.


15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth.

Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me! I used to drink the stuff!

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
> It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
> becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
> housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice
> this, try to show some understanding. My name is Al ,
> and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
> Peggy.
> When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
> Peggy to get a full time job along with her
> part-time job, both for extra income and for the health
> benefits that we needed.
> Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was
> beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf
> course about the same time she gets home from work. Although
> she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
> rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I
> don't yell at her.. Instead, I tell her to take her time
> and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I
> generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country
> club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable.
> I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.
> She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
> eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for
> several hours after dinner. I do what I can by
> diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
> the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really
> appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get
> them done before she goes to bed.
> Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example,
she will say that it is
> difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
> during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better
> or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell
> her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way
> she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
> missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her
> any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is
> one of my strong points.
> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more
> rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half
> finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm
> a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold
> glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
> And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may
> as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold
> beer in a frosted mug.
> I know that I probably look like
> a saint in the way I support Peggy, and I'm not saying
> that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows
> better than I do how frustrating women get as they get
> older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact
> and less criticism of your aging wife because of this
> letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
> After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
> Signed,
> Al
> Al died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The
> police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long
> 50-inch Big
> Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end,
> with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge
> hammer lying nearby.
> His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The
> all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
> accepting her defense that Al somehow, without looking,
> accidentally sat down on his golf club
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there? -a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go to see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

* * * * * * * * *
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