PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGES
* * October 2012 JoKes * *
wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
thought for a moment and said that she would have
boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
responded, "The bastard used coins!"
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.
fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use
more paper on ass."
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
Honey, it's because you're 24.
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"
blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of
YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by
his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if
you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the
poolman and your brother"
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing".
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they
went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed,
went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a
glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat
something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody
offered me so much as a glass of water".
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house
and she knows how to cook"
He said to him, "It looks very scary here. Hope there are no ghosts over here."
other man replied, "I guess not. I have been living here since
I died twenty years ago and haven't seen one yet."
This particular day it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First name only please.
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married" or what, Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: Okay, final question: where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...
DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements)
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones...*ringing*)
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, Okay? Sara: Oh, Brian.
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World.
Sara: All right.
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING.
DJ: Great! That's one. Now! How long did it last?
Sara: Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, 14 minutes I think DING DING DING.
DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I guess she's trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Last question: where did you do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and...
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Sara: BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?!
Brian: NO, no she didn't.
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass. (long pause)
DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements)
I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these
things do happen. anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando,
My uncle is an ambassador and everybody calls him... Your Excellency
guys got nothing on me! My uncle is 500 pounds and everybody exclaims...
Oh My God! when they see him!
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie replied.
"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35," she replied.
he still believes in genies? That's amazing!
says, "License and registration, please."
says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
* * * * * * * *
you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Well here it is:
friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning
particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay
they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'
'Great ' ' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?
didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere
Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son.....go and ask
boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would!
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she
then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad........
Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.
we're living with two tarts and a poof
you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot
young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun
said the old-timer, 'but when Doc Holliday gets done playing the
Bear in mind that they took no risks then either..Not much changed otherwise!!
Q: What are banks for?
A: To make money.
Q: For the customers?
A: For the banks.
Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?
A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.
Q: Out of the customers?
A: I suppose so.
Q: They also mention Assets of £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?
A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.
Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.
Q: Then they haven't got it?
Q: Then how is it Assets?
A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.
Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
A: Yes, usually £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.
Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?
A: Because it isn't theirs.
Q: Then why do they have it?
A: It has been lent to them by customers.
Q: You mean customers lend banks money?
A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.
Q: And what do the banks do with it?
A: Lend it to other customers.
Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?
Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?
A: You can't really say that.
Q: But you've just said it! If I put £100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same £100 isn't it?
A: Yes, but...
Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?
Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??
A: I told you. That is the money they have made.
A: Well, when they lend your £100 to someone they charge him interest.
Q: How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit.
Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that...
Q: When I lend them my £100 why don't I charge them interest?
A: You do.
Q: You don't say. How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.
Q: Grasping of me, rather?
A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.
Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!
A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.
Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?
A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.
Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?
Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?
A: Then they'll let you have some other customers money.
Q: But suppose he wants his too....and they've already let me have it?
A: You're being purposely obtuse.
Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.
Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?
YOU GOT IT!
In the line at the supermarket, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The checkout responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."
He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocers and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go half a mile.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the Wales .
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a tap when we were thirsty instead of a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.
We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service.
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks
were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
do you suppose that is?'
"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" Shurr," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you
might as well finish".
who run in
who run behind
who scratch ass
who eat many
who fight with
take many nails
who drive like
who live in
who fish in
elevator smell different to midget.
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den a two asses come together. I come a once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and a pee twice. Then I come one a lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," complained the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
coola down lady," said the man. "Who's a talkin' abouta sexa?
Ima justa tellin' my friend how you a spella Mississippi."
were determined to make this a real vacation
next morning they went to the beach
a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
the blonde passed them she smiled and said
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said
morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
it's me, Sister Kathleen.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."
So they asked him: "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought at first it was wind.........................
I was wrong!"
his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
he finished his sentence,
manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
* * * * * * *
100's of FUNNYJOKES