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* * NoVemBer '12 JoKes * *

I heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding is...
He is going to be real pissed when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost
* * * * * * * * *
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or
students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T ! "

"Don't what ? "
Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! "

"No Way ! "

"Yes way ! "
"Do NOT eat the fruit ! "
said God.

"Why ? "

"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.
"Then why did you ? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.

"She started it ! "
Adam said.

"Did not ! "

"Did too ! "

"DID NOT ! "

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
* * * * * * * * *
I tried exercise, but
I was ellergic to it.
My skin flushed,
and my heart raced.
I got the sweats and
very short of breath...
Warning, dangerous
* * * * * * * * *
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.

In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.

AND FI NALLY:

IF YOU ! HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
* * * * * * * * *
I want one of those jobs where people ask
"Do you actually get paid for this?"
* * * * * * * * *
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.
Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage,
WHY?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are likeBananas .
The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.Men are like Weather .
Nothing can be done to change them.

4.Men are like Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars...
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores...
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8.Men are like . Government Bonds ....
They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .. Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are like Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms.
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get
or how long it will last.

12! . Men are likeLava Lamps .
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots.
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
* * * * * * * * *
It's funny when my girlfriend gives me
the "silent treatment"
She thinks it's a punishment!!
* * * * * * * * *
Confessions of a hooker

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our s*ex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales . . .....'
* * * * * * * * *
NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars
Early pictures show no signs of
ESPN, beer, or porn.
This makes it very clear that
Men are not from Mars
* * * * * * * * *
A Border Collie and a Jack Russell were chatting on the way into a dog show. The Collie said. "I'm brickin' it, I've been entered in the Working Group, the Utility Group and the Pastoral Group and this is my very first show." The Jack Russell replied, "Calm down, calm down, (he was a Scouser) just say to yourself, 'fuck it, it's only a show an' it's not even my idea, "just relax and really enjoy yourself, it never fails."

They went their separate ways and then happened to meet again on the way out. The Jack Russell said. "How did you get on then mate?" The Collie replied. "I did as you said and it really worked, I got two firsts, a second and very highly commended." Jack Russell said. "Like I said, it never fails." The Collie said. "Yeah, thanks mate, how about you, how did you do?"

The Jack Russell replied. "Did good.... Two fights, a fuck and highly delighted."
* * * * * * * * *
Men have feelings too.
For example, we feel hungry.
* * * * * * * * *
I have a little Satnav
It sits inside my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it most of my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's fifty kilometres an hour it says
You're doing fifty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
It tells me when it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when the light is red
And when it turns to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
And when we leave and lock the car
It still gives me advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It helps to wash my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the fucker off!!!!!
* * * * * * * * *
Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.”
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
Other son said “Me too Dad.”
Dad said “doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”
The Daughter said “I do…”
* * * * * * * * *
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can piss off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you.”
* * * * * * * * *
In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”
* * * * * * * * *
The wife said to me last night “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse.”
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first….
* * * * * * * * *
My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you....he is in Prison.
* * * * * * * * *
The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my fanny and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”
* * * * * * * * *
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “Hang on just a minute…”

* * NoVemBer '11 JoKes * *

Senior Moments!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've
stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,
'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
_______________

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come
up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
'Was I going up the stairs or down?' The 92-year-old was
sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then
yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
I see who's at the door.'
_______________

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,
isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,
'it's Thursday..' And the third man chimed in,
'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
_______________

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
her nightgown and say 'Supersex...' She walked up to
an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment
or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
_______________

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So she turned to the other woman
and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
* * * * * * * * *
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,
and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says,

"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.

Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,

let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willy in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.

But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand

and yer willy in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla,

but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet!"
* * * * * * * * *
Two guys sharing a car to work on Monday morning, were comparing their Sat night jaunts. Ron had just had the normal good old piss up with the lads, but Bob had ended up at the best party ever. His mate had taken him and the party was fantastic with great looking women and loads of all sorts of food and drink. Bob had finished up seriously shit faced and couldn't even remember getting home, but he distinctly remembered that the massive house had a cloakroom with a golden toilet.

"Golden Toilet? load of bollocks you pisshead, don't be such a prat" said Ron. Bob insisted that it was true and said he'd prove it by stopping off at the house on the way home.

After they knocked off work, Bob drove a little bit out of the way and eventually stopped outside a huge imposing looking house. "Here we are, now you'll see" he smirked at Ron. They walked to the door and Bob pushed the bell twice. After a short time a very attractive, expensively dressed woman opened the door. "Yes? can I help?"

Bob explained to her "I was at your fabulous party on Saturday and told my friend here, Ron, all about it and about your amazing golden toilet. He doesn't believe me, so I was hoping that you might just let him have a quick look at it."

The good looking woman stared at Bob for a short while and then grabbed him by the arm and pulled him in. Grinning, Bob looked back and beckoned for Ron to follow.
The woman slammed the door behind them and still holding on to Bob, shouted up the stairs "Charlie, come down here quickly, I've found the dirty bastard who had a shit in your Tuba on Saturday night."
* * * * * * * * *
Stars in Their Eyes.

When this show was around and Mathew Kelly was the presenter, a guy on crutches came onto the stage and introduced himself as Simon from Norfolk.

Kelly said to him "Tell the audience a little about yourself Simon."

"Well a couple of years ago I lost the bottom part of my body in a tractor accident and it was touch and go for me, but they managed to save me."

Kelly said "Wow! that was terrible, but I see that you are now on crutches, how is that possible?"

Simon answered "My uncle Sam, bless him, died of a heart attack at only 42 and a team of specialist surgeons performed a miracle by attaching my uncles lower body part to me and soon I'll be able to walk without the crutches."

After a standing ovation from the audience, many of them in tears, Kelly shook Simon's hand, put his arm around his shoulders and said "A fantastic and amazing story there Simon...and who are you going to be tonight?"

"Tonight Mathew..I'm going to be......Simon and Half uncle!"
* * * * * * * * *
A man walked into a bar .. ouch!
* * * * * * * * *
Mick asks Paddy what sandwiches he has brought to work.
"Crab Paste, Oi fancied sometin a bit different." Says Paddy.
Mick asks to try one. "Bleurghhh!! tastes fookin mingin..where da fook did ya get dat shoite fram?"
Paddy replies "Spotted it in da chemist yesterday."
* * * * * * * * *
The Dog

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A
black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the
first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
* * * * * * * * *
Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said ..
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If it ever happens, please just pull the plug".
They got up unplugged my computer and threw out my wine!!
The little bastards
* * * * * * * * *
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."
* * * * * * * * *
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his
father " Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and
'realistically'?"

His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son.....go and ask
your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would!
She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she
would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if
he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad........

Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.

Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof
* * * * * * * * *
The Veterinarian
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~