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* * NoVemBer '15 JoKes * *

I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the f*ck are you looking at?" I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my long lost son."
* * * * * * * * *
Q: What's the difference between Mozart and Mr. Methane?
A: One is music to your ear; the other is music from his rear.
* * * * * * * * *

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
* * * * * * * * *
Your Halloween costume came in the mail today.
I opened it.
It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops!?!
* * * * * * * * *

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his
house for an early afternoon "quickie."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business
trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse
and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a
fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I
always knew she didn't trust me!"

* * * * * * * * *
Scientists have discovered a food
that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a wedding cake.
* * * * * * * * *
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
* * * * * * * * *
Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."
* * * * * * * * *
Three guys are sitting in a sauna: a Mexican, an Asian, and a white guy. The Mexican and white guy are showing off their new tech gadgets. The white guy says, "Hey, look what I got: the new Google Glass!" The Mexican & Asian say, "Wow, that's nice, man." Then the Mexican guy says, "Check out my new cellphone; it's a watch!" The white guy and Asian say, "Very cool, dude." The Asian guy has nothing to show these guys, so he gets up and walks away naked to to the bathroom. Then he comes back 5 minutes later from the bathroom still naked with paper hanging out of his butt crack. The Asian guy says, "Oh look, I'm receiving a Fax!"
* * * * * * * * *
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him,
"Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The man replies, "Boobs!"
* * * * * * * * *

A husband and his wife were sound asleep at their home in Falmouth
when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck
do I know? Who do you thing I am, a weatherman or coast guard?"
and angrily slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast
was clear."

* * * * * * * * *
Q: What did the high Priest comment before he flushed the toilet?
A: Holy Crap!
* * * * * * * * *
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn’t buy them a bigger bed and they weren’t strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, ‘I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.’

‘Trust me, it will do the job’, said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, ‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5,’ at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
* * * * * * * * *
My friend thinks he is smart.
He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,
so I threw a coconut at his face.

* * * * * * * * *
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently" she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered...
"Is that one word or two?

* * * * * * * * *
Q: What is the Definition of bravery?
A: Someone who has diarrhea and chances a fart.

* * * * * * * * *
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!
* * * * * * * * *
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
* * * * * * * * *
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."
* * * * * * * * *
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

* * NoVemBer '15 JoKes * *

Old people poke me at weddings and tell me "your next"
So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
* * * * * * *
Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”
Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming”
but she didn’t float anywhere!
* * * * * * *
A brunette and an blonde go into a bakery.

The blonde immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the brunette, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The brunette says to the blonde, “That’s typical of you blondes. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The brunette swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the brunette swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?”

The brunette replies, “Look in the blonde’s back pocket…..”
* * * * * * *
Here is the story behind 'Ladies First.'

Long, long ago, a man and a woman were madly in love.

They wanted to marry, but parents didn’t approve.

So they decided to suicide together, and planned to jump from a mountain.

The man could not bear to see his Sweet Heart Fall, so he convinced her that he will jump first, and he jumped.

But the girl bottled out, she never jumped.

Thereafter all men decided to say…..

* * * * * * *
Student: may i use the bathroom?
Teacher: as long as you can recite the alphabet.
Student: abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
Teacher: wheres the p?
Student: running down my leg.
* * * * * * *
Q. What’s the difference between a flying pig and a politician?
A. The letter F.
* * * * * * *
Why Men Can't Win
- If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
- If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
- If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
- If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
- If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
- If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
- If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
- If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
- If you cry, you're a wimp.
- If you don't, you're insensitive.
- If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
- If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
- If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
- If she asks you, it's a favor.
- If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
- If you don't, you're a slob.
- If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
- If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
- If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
- If you're not, you're not ambitious.
- If she has a headache, she's tired.
- If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
* * * * * * *
An 80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence.
For 40 mins they shagged like Bast*rds.
Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor.
Christ she said “you didnt F*ck Me like that 50yrs ago!
To which the old man replied
“50 yrs ago that fence Wasnt F*cking electric!
* * * * * * *
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.

The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

She has a think and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died, 1983 Pickup for sale'."
* * * * * * *
Dear Alegbra,
Please stop asking everyone to find your x.
She's not coming back.
* * * * * * *
Q. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily get another pair of tits in there.
* * * * * * *
Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?Â

A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built.


Q. Approximately how many birthdays does the average Japanese woman have?

A. Just one. All the others are anniversaries.

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands.

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. He sleeps at night.

Q. Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today?

A: Because he is dead.

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

A: It becomes wet.

Q. What often falls but never gets hurt?

A : Rain

Q. What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be?


Q. What looks like half apple?

A : The other half.

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?

A : Dinner.

Q. What gets wet with drying?

A : A towel

Q. What 3 letters change a girl into a woman?

A : AGE.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented?

A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Why is it easy to weigh a fish?

A : Because it has its own scales.

Q. Why does a bike rest on its leg?

A : Because it is too tyred.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state

A : liquid

* * * * * * *
Yo mama is so ugly her dildo needs Viagra.
* * * * * * *
So annoying when people come in my house and say hey do you have a bathroom?
NO... we shit in the sink
* * * * * * *
I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…
“Mr Cook?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”
* * * * * * *
Top 5 worst ever Irish inventions.

1. Inflatable dartboard.
2. Diet water.
3. Helicopter ejector seat.
4. Wooden barbecue.
5. Non-stick toilet paper.
* * * * * * *
A couple wants a divorce,
but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason
why they should be the one to keep the child.

So the jury asks the woman first.

She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in that drink machine over there
and a drink comes out... now tell me...
who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
* * * * * * *
Got in trouble last night after I went on a date
I didn’t open the car door for the lady I was with.
I decided to just swim to the surface and save myself.
* * * * * * *
The 3 most commen lies ever told:
"I didn't do it"
"I'm fine"
"I have read and agreed to the Terms and Conditions"
* * * * * * *
Chinese man rings boss
“me no work I sick”
boss says “when I'm sick I f*ck my wife try that”
2 hours later Chinese man rings back
“me better, you got nice house"
* * * * * * *
A blonde and her husband are sleeping when the neighbor’s dog starts barks and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!'

She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks 'So, what did you do?'

The blonde says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor’s dog barking all night.'
* * * * * * *
Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid:

1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
5. Dumber than a box of hair.
6. A few peas short of a casserole.
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
8. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10. One taco short of a combination plate.
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12. Surfing in Nebraska.
13. The cheese slid off his cracker.
14. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
18. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
20. As smart as bait.
21. Chimney's clogged.
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
29. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
31. No grain in the silo.
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
33. Receiver is off the hook.
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
35. Skylight leaks a little.
36. Slinky's kinked.

* * NoVemBer '14 JoKes * *

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and started canvassing the neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her the green paint and everything she needed was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? Of course, she does." The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb-blonde jokes."

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's a Lamborghini!

* * * * * * * * *
A Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

* * * * * * * * *
An actual ad in the London Times.

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
* * * * * * * * *
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the
beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested
inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to
accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie
had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested
before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie
revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial
arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...........



(You're going to hate me for this ... )




(Wait for it!!!!)



* * * * * * * * *
This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed
laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and
sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous!
What on earth do you think you're doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the
breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and
jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old

"Your name never came up," she replied.
* * * * * * * * *

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)


In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)


Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)


The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')


There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)


In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)


Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)


In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)


In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)


In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what? Well,.... not as great as Guam !)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)


The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)


Butterflies taste with their feet..

(Ah, geez.)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish don't have brains.

(Come to think of it, they don't have eyes either.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, did you know-

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
* * * * * * * * *

6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man
seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch
of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the
boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing,
he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was
directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

1st Place
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded
her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate
any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand!"
* * * * * * * * *
Let's play The On / Off Game

1809 : Abraham Lincoln
1865 : Abraham Lincoff

1940 : John Lennon
1980 : John Lennoff

1963 : Whitney Houston
2012 : Whitney Houstoff

1958 : Michael Jackson
2009 : Michael J….

OH!! ... or maybe lets not!!

* * * * * * * * *
There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary
and those who don't!!

* * * * * * * * *
(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^)( ^) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(q) hanging tassels breasts

(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

< o >< o > electric shock breasts

|o||o| android breasts

(/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler)

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(^o)(o) zit on your breast

( o Y o ) poses for SCORE magazine breasts
* * * * * * * * *
Changing Attitudes

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm's and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
* * * * * * * * *

Don't cheat! Before you read on, choose your favorite marshmallow
bit from Lucky Charms from the list below:

Pink hearts Yellow moons Orange stars Green clovers Blue diamonds
Purple horseshoes Those icky oat bits

Okay. Have you got one in mind? Now you can read on. And don't
change it!

An amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms
marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed!

Yes, it's true--just take this simple test to determine your true
bedroom personality:

GREEN CLOVERS: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape
is the green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You
don't take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and
always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else
with you. You don't have any patience with depressed people and
tend to sit on them until they cheer up.

BLUE DIAMONDS: If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue
diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get
later. "If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?"
is probably what's going through your mind. People who like blue
diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony
suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails
while making love.

ORANGE STARS: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you
expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your
partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do
something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not
applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over
their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is
being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves
having a good time. They often moan out their own names while
making love.

PINK HEARTS: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic
type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your
ear and, if he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll
settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read
most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people
wearing armor.

PURPLE HORSESHOES: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your
tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like
variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include
handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful
when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple
horseshoes--she's/ he's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops
when you're not looking and who knows what could happen next?

YELLOW MOONS: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more
interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You
prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and
express her/his needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like
yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other
instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to
tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who
eats all the yellow moons out of her cereal as soon as she opens
the box.

Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all: If you
prefer the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway
and don't need to read this article.

People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants,
librarians who work at the reference desk, or government
employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming
with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics
in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend
writing letters to the editor than any other type.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
* NoVemBer '13 JoKes * *

I've often been asked,

'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds

and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and scotch into urine."
* * * * * * * * *
>> Are We Old Yet???

>> No. 1

>> The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down

>> and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,

>> 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

>> The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,

>> and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

>> As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open,

>> and zipped it up.

>> He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

>> He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,

>> 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

>> She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't.

>> All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'


>> No. 2

>> Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench

>> under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

>> 'Slim, I'm 83 years

>> old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my

>> age. How do you feel?'

>> Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

>> 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

>> 'Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants .'


>> No. 3

>> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after

>> eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

>> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new

>> restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

>> The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

>> The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name

>> of that flower you give to someone you love?

>> You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

>> 'Do you mean a rose?'

>> 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the

>> kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went

>> to last night?'


>> No. 4

>> Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being

>> discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one

>> elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a

>> suitcase at his feet,

>> who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

>> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him

>> to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting

>> him. 'I don't know,' he said.

>> 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom

>> changing out of her hospital gown.'


>> No. 5

>> Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

>> During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,

>> but they might want to start writing things down to help them

>> remember.

>> Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his

>> chair.

>> 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a

>> bowl of ice cream?'

>> 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should

>> write it down so you can remember

>> it? She asks. 'No, I can remember it.'

>> 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.

>> Maybe you should write it

>> down, so's not to forget it?'

>> He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with

>> strawberries.. ' 'I'd also like whipped cream.

>> I'm certain you'll forget

>> that, write it down?' she asks.

>> Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!

>> Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness

>> sake!'

>> Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man

>> returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and

>> eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

>> 'Where's my toast ?'


>> No. 6

>> A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're

>> getting married?'

>> 'Yep!'

>> 'Do I know her?'

>> 'Nope!'

>> 'This woma n, is she good looking?'

>> 'Not really.'

>> 'Is she a good cook?'

>> 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

>> 'Does she have lots of money?'

>> 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

>> 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

>> 'I don't know.'

>> 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

>> 'Because she can still drive!'


>> No. 7

>> Three old guys are out walking.

>> First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

>> Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

>> Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


>> No. 8

>> A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It

>> cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art..

>> It's

>> perfect.'

>> 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

>> 'Twelve thirty.'


>> No. 9

>> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

>> A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a

>> gorgeous young woman on his arm.

>> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,

>> 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

>> Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:

>> 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

>> The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said,

>> 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


>> No. 10

>> One more. . .!

>> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor

>> and pulled

>> himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.After catching

>> his breath, he

>> ordered a banana split.

>> The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

>> 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.
* * * * * * * * *

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing? '

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old,unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty- five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone..'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the hell you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.
* * * * * * * * *
1. The Dublin Ghost
> This story happened a while ago in Dublin and even though it sounds
> like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
> John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
> hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
> The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
> could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come
> towards him slowly and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without
> thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door - only to
> realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
> The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
> curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
> Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
> window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as
> the hand repeatedly came through the window, but it never touched or
> harmed him.
> Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
> so, gathering strength, he jumped
> out of the car and ran to it. Wet and
> out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
> horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when
> everybody realised he was crying and wasn't drunk.
> Suddenly, the door opened and two other people walked in from the
> stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
> Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
> the other...
> "Look, Paddy... there's that idiot that got in the car while we
> were pushing it!"

* * * * * * * * *
The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

"In honour of the Full Moon,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request ???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse.."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed..
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, more attractive
than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse, .. alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully

FOR... THE... LAST...F****N'... TIME.

I SAID ...


* * * * * * * * *
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.
* * * * * * * * *
All too rarely, airline pilots and attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane".

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!".

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his aircraft into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
* * * * * * * * *
7 reasons not to mess with
> children.
> A little girl was talking
> to her teacher about whales.
> The teacher said it was
> physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
> though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
> The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
> whale.
> Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
> human; it was physically
> impossible.
> The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
> The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to
> hell?'
> The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
> A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
> of children while they were drawing. She would
> occasionally walk around to see each child's
> work.
> As she got to one little girl who was working
> diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
> The girl replied, 'I'm drawing
> God.'
> The teacher paused and said,
> 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
> Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
> replied, 'They will in a minute.'
> A Sunday school teacher was
> discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
> After explaining the commandment to 'honour'
> thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a
> commandment that teaches us how to treat our
> brothers and sisters?'
> Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
> answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
> One day a
> little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
> kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
> strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
> She looked at her mother and
> inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
> Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do
> something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one
> of my hairs turns white.'
> The little girl thought about this revelation for a
> while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of
> grandma's hairs are white?'
> The children had all been
> photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy
> a copy of the group picture.
> 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
> up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
> He's a doctor.'
> A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
> 'And there's the teacher, she's
> dead.'
> A teacher
> was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
> Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood
> on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would
> turn red in the face.'
> 'Yes,' the class
> said.
> 'Then why is it that while I
> am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run
> into my feet?'
> A little fellow
> shouted,
> 'Cause your
> feet ain't empty.'
> The children were lined up
> in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the
> head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note,
> and posted on the apple
> tray:
> 'Take only ONE . God is
> watching.'
> Moving further along the lunch
> line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate
> chip cookies.
> A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.
> God is watching the apples.'

* * * * * * * * *
I can't stand women who scream during sex.
Take the other night, she was getting a right shagging
when she suddenly looked straight into my eyes and started screaming her head off.

For f***s sake, as if it wasn't difficult enough..hanging on to a drainpipe, with one hand, three f****n' floors up, whilst trying to have a wank with the other, I nearly fell off. Downright rude of her I say.
* * * * * * * * *
Divorce VS Murder -- priceless

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'What?!? I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

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