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* * NoVemBer '09 JoKes * *

Apple does it again!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
* * * * * * * *
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs and that you being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy me. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband.

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
* * * * * * * *
The Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery
~
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
~
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
~
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
~
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and
this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
~
'My wife's.
~
''What happened to her?'
~
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
~
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
~
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
~
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
~
'Can I borrow the dog?'
~
The man replied, 'Get in line.'
* * * * * * * *
NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF......... .......

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then

there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This

is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chile

cook-off in New Mexico .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay

attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third

judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know

how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about

the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion

of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an

inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at

the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the

judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light

truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two

judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be

all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing

kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the he!! is this

stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the

worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight

jalapeno tang..

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be

taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides

pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the

Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium

spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I

ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is

in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced

from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,

but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste

buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with

fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..

just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chile an

aphrodisiac?

CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly

ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more

tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong

statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my

forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and

four people behind me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chile had given me

brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm

burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other

judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile.

Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled

with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I

farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

with a snow cone.

CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chile with too much reliance on

canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw

in a can of chile peppers at the last moment. **I should

take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears

to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull

the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in

one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing

water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticed

out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what

killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too

painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

stomach.

CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile.

Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost

when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the

chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure

if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to

really hot chile?

Judge # 3 - No Report.
* * * * * * * *
Swearing !
A wee 7 year old Aberdonian loon and his 5 year old brother are
Upstairs in their bedroom.

'De ye ken fit?', says the 7 year old, 'I think it's aboot time we
Started sweering.' The 5 year old nods his head in approval.

'Fin we ging doonstairs fir breakfast am gan to sweer first, then ye Kin sweer after me, ok?'
'Aye!' the 5 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants For breakfast.

'A'll hae some of that Weetabix shit !!
*SMACK*!!

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 5 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man????'

'I dinna ken,' he blubbers, 'but it winna be fucking Weetabix!'
* * * * * * * *
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, ‘ Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
* * * * * * * *
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
* * * * * * * *
REVENGE ON THE TELEMARKETER

Three Little Words That Work!!

(1) The three little words: 'Hold On, Please...'
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear BT's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset....you have efficiently completed your task.
These three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and record’s the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' salesperson to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering: If you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

(3) When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular postage 'IF' and when they are returned. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-prepaid return envelopes.

Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American Express... they might need one!
Send a pizza coupon to HSBC... in case their canteen packs up. You get the idea.
If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them back their blank application form... after all, it is their form!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you return.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them, and it is their envelope after all… you are just returning it!!!!

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the post, but folks....we need to OVERWHELM them, in order to stop them.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail is saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let's help them so they will not need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!
* * * * * * * *
“A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman were drinking together in
McSorley's Bar in New York City and having a great St. Patrick's Day.

'Y'know', said the Scotsman', I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well', said the Englishman', At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'

'Ahhhrr, that's nothing', said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs to see that you get laid. All on the House'.

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims but he swears every word is true.

'Wow!', said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Not meself, personally, no', said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to me Sister.'”
* * * * * * * *
A man named Kev boards a plane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realises she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?".
"Nymphomaniac Convention in London," she says.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Polish descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".
"Tonto," Kev says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Kawolski."
* * * * * * * *
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
______________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
> A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
______________________________
>
> Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
______________________________
>
> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
> A: What did your last slave die of?
______________________________
>
> Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
> A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
> ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
______________________________
>
> Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
______________________________
>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
> A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
______________________________
>
> Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
> Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
_____________________________
>
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
> A: You are a British politician, right?
_____________________________
>
> Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
> Milk is illegal.
_____________________________
>
> Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
> All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
_____________________________
>
> Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
_____________________________
>
> Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
_____________________________

> Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
> A: Only at Christmas.
_____________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
* * * * * * * *
A woman scans the guests at a party and spots an attractive
man standing alone. She approaches him.

'My name is Carmen,' she says.

'That's a beautiful name, ' he replies, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she says. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asks.

He replies, "Beerpussie."
* * * * * * * *

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
the next morning John's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you
fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town
and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog
started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

Meet Coldwater

* * NoVemBer '08 JoKes * *

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
~~~~~~~~~
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!
~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
* * * * * * * * *
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...... .
.
.
.

'Bastards won't let me fart.'
* * * * * * * * *
SOME IRISH HUMOR

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now"
~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
~~~~~~~~~
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
~~~~~~~~~

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
~~~~~~~~~
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Nancy.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Nancy staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well,"Nancy said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
* * * * * * * * *
FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS
BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.

2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the
counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself

2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly
to their head office.

3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have
all the answers.

Test 3 Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or
some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
sleep.

3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.

2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7 Communication

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
sight.

3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.

Test 9 Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into
the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.

Test 10 TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.

2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean
walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?

4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/ storage box in your house onto the
floor & leave it there.

Test 12 Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.

2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.

2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt
sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is
a child in the room.

Test 14 Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.

2. Put on your finest work attire.

3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

4. Stir

5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

8. Do not change (you have no time).

9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!
* * * * * * * * *
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be
the Man of Your House.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my
word is law!

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have
the kind of s*x that I want,
After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His wife replied, 'The f@#kin' funeral director would be my guess.'
* * * * * * * * *
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
* * * * * * * * *
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and thinks he'll make the most of his stay.

Pretty soon, he thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a taxi.

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ..... you know the kind!

He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he thinks, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello?' the woman says. (God, she sounded sexy!).

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in a hotel all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9.'
* * * * * * * * *
>> Blonde Genies...
>>
>> A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
>> buried in the sand.
>> He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
>> Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
>> The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
>>
>> The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by
>> 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore
>> the house.
>> Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and
>> the floor is covered in $1,000 bills! Then, there's a knock at the door.
>> ..
>>
>> He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan
>> outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb
>> and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
>>
>> As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
>> blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand
>> the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love
>> to.
>> I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted
>>
>> to be hung like a black man is beyond me.
* * * * * * * * *
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM
AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID.
'I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM'.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.
THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED,
'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH.
NOT TO BE OUT DONE,
SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........
WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!
* * * * * * * * *
SOME ADVERTISING SLOGANS

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
*****
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.." *
*****
At a Tyre Shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
*****
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
*****
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
*****
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
*****
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
*****
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
*****
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
*****
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
*****
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
*****
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
*****
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
*****
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
*****
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
*****
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
*****
Sign over a Gynaecologists' Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
*****
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
*****
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
*****
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
* * * * * * * * *
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. .

Now give me back my dog.
* * * * * * * * *
A woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with
delight,

when her husband walked in. He stood, watching her for a while,

and then asked, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?

What's the matter with you?'

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, 'I don't care.

I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says I have the
breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband then asked, 'What did he say about your 54-year-old ass?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.
* * * * * * * * *
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''
* * * * * * * * *
If you dont want us to behave like this then dont make us go shopping with you!

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES WHEN SHOPPING

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
* * * * * * * * *
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'
she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman
in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

A big thanks to John M, John P, Mike, Mick, Melanie, Jenny, Les, Kate, H.B., Cully, Jack, and the anons for the above funnies!!

 

A big thanks to Claire, Pat, Larry, KT, Sue, Von, Patsy, Barry, Brad & Anons for the above funnies!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~