often been asked,
to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds
>> No. 1
>> The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down
>> and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
>> 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
>> The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,
>> and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
>> As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open,
>> and zipped it up.
>> He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
>> He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
>> 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
>> She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't.
>> All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'
>> No. 2
>> Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
>> under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
>> 'Slim, I'm 83 years
>> old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
>> age. How do you feel?'
>> Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
>> 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
>> 'Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants .'
>> No. 3
>> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
>> eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
>> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new
>> restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
>> The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
>> The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name
>> of that flower you give to someone you love?
>> You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
>> 'Do you mean a rose?'
>> 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the
>> kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went
>> to last night?'
>> No. 4
>> Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
>> discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
>> elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
>> suitcase at his feet,
>> who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
>> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
>> to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
>> him. 'I don't know,' he said.
>> 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom
>> changing out of her hospital gown.'
>> No. 5
>> Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
>> During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
>> but they might want to start writing things down to help them
>> Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
>> 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a
>> bowl of ice cream?'
>> 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should
>> write it down so you can remember
>> it? She asks. 'No, I can remember it.'
>> 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
>> Maybe you should write it
>> down, so's not to forget it?'
>> He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
>> strawberries.. ' 'I'd also like whipped cream.
>> I'm certain you'll forget
>> that, write it down?' she asks.
>> Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
>> Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
>> Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man
>> returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
>> eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
>> 'Where's my toast ?'
>> No. 6
>> A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're
>> getting married?'
>> 'Do I know her?'
>> 'This woma n, is she good looking?'
>> 'Not really.'
>> 'Is she a good cook?'
>> 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
>> 'Does she have lots of money?'
>> 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
>> 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
>> 'I don't know.'
>> 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
>> 'Because she can still drive!'
>> No. 7
>> Three old guys are out walking.
>> First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
>> Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
>> Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
>> No. 8
>> A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It
>> cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art..
>> 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
>> 'Twelve thirty.'
>> No. 9
>> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
>> A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
>> gorgeous young woman on his arm.
>> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
>> 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
>> Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:
>> 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
>> The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said,
>> 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
>> No. 10
>> One more. . .!
>> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
>> and pulled
>> himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.After catching
>> his breath, he
>> ordered a banana split.
>> The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
>> 'No,' he
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing? '
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old,unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty- five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone..'
couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the hell you doing?'
husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...
honour of the Full Moon,
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request ???'
Lone Ranger responds,
Chief nods and Silver is brought
that evening, Silver returns with
next morning the Indian Chief admits
"What is your SECOND request ???"
before, Silver takes off and disappears
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
again returns, this time with a
enters the Lone Rangers tent
following morning the Indian Chief
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .. alone."
Chief is curious, but he agrees,
FOR... THE... LAST...F****N'... TIME.
I SAID ...
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
began Tony's life of celibacy.
1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane".
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!".
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his aircraft into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed,
and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While
I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup
of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine."
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently" she replied.
old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned
over towards her and whispered...
f***s sake, as if it wasn't difficult enough..hanging on to a drainpipe,
with one hand, three f****n' floors up, whilst trying to have a wank
with the other, I nearly fell off. Downright rude of her I say.
respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'What?!? I can't give
lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding is...
your children are out of control,
creating heaven and earth,
the first thing he said was
"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "
few minutes later,
I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
started it ! "
NOT ! "
the pattern was set and it has never changed.
You spend the first two years of their life
Grandchildren are God's reward
We childproofed our homes,
nice to your kids.
Men are like Laxatives.
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our s*ex life a bit?'
She said, 'I don't
think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales
. . .....'
They went their separate ways and then happened to meet again on the way out. The Jack Russell said. "How did you get on then mate?" The Collie replied. "I did as you said and it really worked, I got two firsts, a second and very highly commended." Jack Russell said. "Like I said, it never fails." The Collie said. "Yeah, thanks mate, how about you, how did you do?"
The Jack Russell replied.
"Did good.... Two fights, a fuck and highly delighted."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
100's of FUNNYJOKES