A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her
> >faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles along for company.
> >
> >One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies, and before long, discovers he's
> >lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
> >direction with the intention of having lunch.
> >
> >The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some
> >bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
> >bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to
> >leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
> >I wonder if there are any more around here?'
> >
> >Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
> >terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the
> >leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
> >
> >Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
> >tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
> >protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle
> >
> >sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
> >something must be up.
> >
> >The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
> >deal for himself with the leopard.
> >
> >The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and say s, 'Here,
> >monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
> >canine!
> >
> >Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
> >thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits
> >down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet,
> >and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...
> >
> >'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
> >leopard!
> >
> >Moral of this story....
> >
> >Don't mess with old farts... age and skill will always overcome youth and
> >treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

* * * * * * * * *
This test features a fictional and somewhat unlikely scenario and demands that you answer it completely truthfully.
Please do not answer without giving it serious thought.
Your honest answer will show how sound your judgment is.
Follow this scenario carefully, line by line.

Parts of England have been struck by floods again.This time, they are far far worse than any so far, causing widespread devastation. You are a reporter for a national newspaper and first on the scene in the worst hit area.You have obtained a boat with a powerful outboard motor and you're taking some amazing shots of cars, caravans,trees and livestock being swept along and channeled into a weir, resulting in terrible destruction
Suddenly, a man comes into view,being swept towards you, heading towards the weir and almost certain death. Your heart jumps as you realise that it is the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, who is touring the flood area. This is born out by a boatload of men, probably security etc., trying in vain to catch up.
You realise this is your chance of a lifetime...the big one. You can either save the life of Gordon Brown...or take an amazing one off prize winning historical photograph of him being swept over the weir.
Now comes the acid test..what choice do you make ?...

DO YOU

??????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????

Use the camera loaded with colour film....or the camera loaded with classic black and white, which just might be more dramatic.

* * * * * * * * *
Medication for cats and dogs.

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for
a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from
top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another
pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto
neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and
check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress
to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire service to retrieve the bastard fucking
moggy from hell from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour
who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little fuckers front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to
drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from
hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give A Dog A Pill...

1) Wrap it in bacon.

* * * * * * * * *
Burglary Chicago style

Ya can't make this stuff up!!

When Chicago resident Nathan Radlich's house was burgled recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.'
(That's at least is the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Chicago police said, 'It looked similar to high grade cocaine. They probably thought they'd hit the big time.'
Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch-taped to the box was this note which said: 'Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.'

* * * * * * * * *
The local kids were giving Paddy a load of cheek and one of them shouts. " Oy, Paddy, I looked through yer winder last night and saw yer old lady givin' youse a blowjob. " Paddy shouts back. " The joke's on youse smart arse, Oi wasn't home last noight. "
* * * * * * * * *
A young man goes into a Chemist shop and asked to see the Pharmacist. A short while later a woman appeared and asked how she could help. the guy said that he didn't wish to appear to be rude, but could he speak to a male pharmacist. The woman told him that she and her sister owned the business and that they were the only two pharmacists there. The young man said that he was too embarrassed to discuss his problem with a lady and that he had had the same trouble regarding his doctor, who was female also. Now very curious as to this good looking young mans' problem of an embarrassing nature, the lady pharmacist assured him of their absolute professionalism and discretion in all their dealings with their highly valued customers.
Finally convinced, the young guy, somewhat reluctantly, told her of his problem. " I have a permanent erection, twenty four seven,
nothing, absolutely nothing that I do, including having sex marathons, has the slightest effect upon it. Can you give me anything for it. " The pharmacist said." Just a moment, I'll consult with my sister. " After a very short time she reappeared and said. We feel sure that we can manage free board and lodgings, a company car and three hundred pounds a week tax free, plus a sizeable productivity bonus, starting immediately. "

Note: This phenomena unfortunately only lasts for two years...usually from age 18 -20.

* * * * * * * * *
A young wheeler and dealer was entertaining some businessmen in a top class London Hotel, trying hard to tie up a deal, but not quite able to convince them that he had the right sort of connections. He excused himself to take a leak and review the situation and just then saw Sir Alan Sugar coming out of the Mens room. He quickly introduced himself and explained that he was trying to close a deal that would put him on the map, but that he couldn't quite convince his potential backers of his business credibility. However, if, Sir Alan could just see his way to stopping briefly, as he walked past their table and simply say. " Nice to see you Ray, how are you keeping ? " it would definitely see him close the deal. Sir Alan said. "I like a guy who uses his initiative and can manipulate a situation to his own advantage. Sure, I'll do that for you, all the best on that deal of yours. " Ray thanks him profusely and returns to his table. Shortly afterwards, Sir Alan approaches them and they all go quiet and wide eyed as he nears their table. True to his word, the business tycoon says. " Nice to see you Ray, how are you keeping. " Ray looks at him and says. " Fuck off Al, can't you see I'm busy.

* * * * * * * * *
Subject: Ferrari

>A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the manager.
>
>
>
>She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
>
>
>The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
>
>The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
>
>The manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
>
>Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £17.41.
>
>The manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business,
>and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?'
>
>The blonde replies...'Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £17.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'
>
>Hooray! A smart blonde joke at last!!
* * * * * * * * *
Pete Doherty had left some " medication " in his grandmas' kitchen. He rushed back to her house and got there just as she came hurrying out. He said. " I think I left some pills here, have you seen them ? " His gran shrieked. " Never mind the f*****g pills, what about the Martians in my kitchen ? "

* * * * * * * * *
A Rabbi and a Catholic Priest had struck up a conversation on a train. After a while, the Priest says, rather slyly, " Tell me Rabbi, have you ever been tempted to eat pork ? " The Rabbi answers. " Yes, I have been tempted in many things. " The Priest presses on. " And did you give in to temptation and try it ? " The Rabbi eyes him over his specs and says. " Just once, when I was very young and long before I became a Rabbi. " Then he was asked. " Did you like it at all ? " He replied truthfully. " Yes, it was quite nice. " The Priest sat back, looking a little smug. Then, the Rabbi asked the Priest if he had ever had sex with a woman whilst being a Priest.
The Priest coughed, tried feebly to laugh it off and change the subject,but the Rabbi wasn't having it and insisted upon a truthful answer. The Priest gives in and says. " Just the once. I was giving comfort to a young woman who had been deserted by her boyfriend and I went too far. " The Rabbi was triumphant. " It sure Beats Pork doesn't it ? "
* * * * * * * * *
A little Greek girl is kneeling down to pray to the god Zeus.

"Dear Zeus...." she begins.

As the prayer progresses, she dwells on a thought he's had for some time and decides to ask him about it.

"Zeus," she asks "What would a million years to us feel like to you?"

Zeus says "A million years is like a second to me."

Then the little girl decides to ask "What would a million dollars be like to you?"

Zeus answers "A million dollars is like a penny to me."

So, getting a clever idea, the girl says "Zeus, may I have one of your dollars?"

To which Zeus replies "Sure,"

"Just give me a second."

* * * * * * * * *
Subject: Passport Application

Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

* * * * * * * * *
Drafting Guys over 60
New strategy for any war .... send servicemen over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep. I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient, so letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Sometimes we don't even sleep for a couple of days. So, since I'm tired and can't sleep and am already up, I might as well be out shooting some fanatical SOB.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because most of us old timers have a serious case of C.R.S. anyway. Even name, rank, and serial number could be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at in our homes anyway, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course though. I've been in combat, and didn't see a single 20 foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave and to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim on it in order to shade his eyes, not to shade the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward pig terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on Border Patrol. We'll have our border secured the first night!

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

Cheers.
·* * * * * * * * *
· The king had a beautiful daughter,

The PRINCESS.

But, there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what: metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,

She will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He, too, was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess, and they both lived happily ever after

What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

A big thanks to Mike, Mick, Annie, Bubba, Jenny, Clare, Robert, Vivian, Dave, Fiona, Burt and all the anons for the above funnies!!
* * * * * * * * *

* * MaY '07 JokEs * *

A chap visits a massage parlour. On the wall he sees a price list:
Turkish massage £30
Swedish Massage £75
De-waxing £100
Being new to the experience and not sure if he will enjoy it he decides to go for the cheapest option.
He is led into a room and told to undress and lie on the table, which he duly does. A few moments later a 20 stone Turkish wrestler enters and begins to punch and pummel him without mercy. The pain is incredible as limbs are bent into positions they were never designed to adopt. In the pause between two assaults the man manages to gasp: "Ok I'll pay the extra; I'll have the Swedish massage."
The wrestler shambles out and is replaced by a tall leggy blond from Stockholm dressed only in her bra and panties. She leans over him and begins to gently rub scented oil into his bruised flesh. Soon the pain is forgotten and he becomes increasingly aroused as her slim hands travel down his back and the massage becomes distinctly 'intimate.' His breathing becomes more rapid and his body arches rhythmically when suddenly the masseuse packs up her oils and walks to the door. The man whimpers: "Oh God, I'll pay the extra-don't stop!"
Immediately the girl returns and slipping her hand between his legs begins to resurrect his slightly flagging ardour. Just as the critical moment arrives the Turkish wrestler runs in and hits the man viciously in the testicles: sure enough; all the wax flew out of his ears.

* * * * * * * * *
A young bloke pops round to visit a sick mate who has a broken leg.
"Anything I can do for you, mate?" he asks.
"My feet are freezing cold, mate," his friend replies. "Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please?"
The bloke goes upstairs and finds his mate's gorgeous, eighteen-year-old identical twin sisters in the bedroom, stark bollock naked.
"Hi, girls," he says, looking them up and down appraisingly. "It's your lucky day."
"Watcha mean?" said the first daughter, hurriedly slipping into a black, lace thong and bra while her sister covered herself with a towel.
"Your brother sent me up here to shag the arse off you," said the bloke.
The first sister says, "Fuck off! He never did."
"He did too," replies the young fella, unzipping his trousers.
"No he never," said the second sister, clutching the towel tightly to her heaving breasts.
"Oh yes he did," insisted the bloke, "want me to prove it?"
"Go on then," taunted the first sister, staring boldly at him.
"Both of them?" the young fella yells down the stairs.
His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them! They're a pair aren't they?"

* * * * * * * * *
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they appeared still very clearly in love.

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, he said." I forgot her name about ten years ago."

* * * * * * * * *
There were three ladies from Birmingham,
And this is the story concerning 'em.
They lifted the frock,
And tickled the cock,
of the Bishop who was confirming 'em.

But the Bishop himself was no fool.
He had been to a large public school.
So he shifted his britches,
And buggered the bitches
With his ten-inch Episcopal tool.

Now the youngest young lady, named Lou,
Said as his Lordship withdrew,
The Vicar is quicker,
Stronger and thicker,
And two inches longer than you!

* * * * * * * * *
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Erm, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a university student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs "What do you mean, 200 Quid!?"

* * * * * * * * *
Chinese man rings his boss. "Me no work, I sick." His boss says, "When I am sick I **** my wife, try that." Two hours later the Chinese man rings back. "Me better, you got nice house!"

* * * * * * * * *
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of nowhere. The government said, "Someone may steal from the scrap yard at night. So they created a night watchman position and hired a person (bilingual, naturally) for the job.
Then the government said, "How can the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the job description and one person to do time studies. Then the government said, "How will we know the night watchman is performing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people; one to do the studies and one to write the reports.Then the government said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a Time Keeper and a Payroll Officer; then hired two more people to assist. Then the government said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an Administrative Section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, an Assistant Administrative Officer and a Legal Secretary.
Then the Government said, "We have had this organization in operation for only one year and we are $1,180,000 over budget; we must cut back our overall costs.
So they laid off the night watchman !!!

* * * * * * * * *
Stepping out of the shower, the man observes to the wife, "Don't you think my penis is a little bigger?"

"You wish!"

He persists, so she looks more closely. She professes not knowing for sure.

The next morning the man insists his penis is getting larger. The wife measures it with a tape measure to set a baseline.

Each morning for a week the wife measures the man's penis, and each morning it is 1/4 inch longer. By the time they can see a doctor, another week has passed. The doctor schedules "surgical intervention" and asks if either of them has any questions. The wife asks, "How long will he need crutches?"

"Why," the doctor responds, "Do you expect he'll need crutches?"

"Well, you are making his legs longer, aren't you?"

* * * * * * * * *

Sydney radio
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.What is your name? First only please.
"Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up.
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?"
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sara: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sara: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?
"Sara: (laughing) "Yes."DJ: "Where did you have it?
"Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?
"Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"
Sara: "Well..."
DJ: "Come on Sara..... where did you have it?"
Sara: "Up the ar$e....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

* * * * * * * * *

Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

* * * * * * * *

A Canadian walks into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve Canadians in this bar."

"But I'm really thirsty," the Canadian replied. "I'll do anything for a beer!"

"Okay," says the bartender,"if you can do three things, I'll get you a beer."

"First," says the bartender,"do you see that big guy standing by the door? 6'5", 275 pound ex-NFL linebacker who got thrown out of the league for being too mean and nasty? You gotta knock him out cold and drag him out of the bar. That's number one."

"Number two. Back in the kitchen we got this Doberman Pinscher. He's mean, he's nasty, he's vicious, he's hungry, and he's got a bad tooth. You gotta remove his bad tooth. That's number two."

"Number three. Upstairs we got a 70-year-old, 300 pound hooker. You gotta screw her until she climaxes three times. That's number three."

"I'll do it!" screams the man. "What's first?"

"First is the big guy by the door."

The man leaps to his feet and runs headfirst into the huge man. The two of them are rolling on the floor with fists and blood flying everywhere. Finally, the man smashes a chair over his head and drags him from the bar.

Panting and bleeding, he askes the bartender, "Okay, what's next?"

"Number two is the dog in the kitchen."

The man runs into the kitchen. The bartender hears barking, yelling, snarling, screaming, and jaws snapping, followed by a long, painful howling that obviously came from the dog.

The man runs out of the bar, his clothes all ripped and filthy, and says to the bartender, "Okay, where's the old lady with the bad tooth?"

* * * * * * * * * *

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
"Well, my wife ain't home," said the man. "She's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,"
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God! How'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"
The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "So this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!
* * * * * * * * *

A big thanks to Bubba, Sly, Jo, Jenny, Mick, and all the anons for the above funnies!!

* * MaY '06 JokEs * *

Two Priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undressand step into the showers before they realize
there is NO SOAP.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it,
not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand,
and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall
when he sees three Nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and
FREEZES like he's a STATUE.
The Nuns stop and comment on how "life-like" he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap!
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third Nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then
twice and
three times
but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs.....

then yells!

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand-lotion too!"
* * * * * * * * *
This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
* * * * * * * * *
Learning Chinese
Are you harboring a fugitive? . . . Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. . . . Kum Hia Nao
Stupid . . . Man Dum Gai
Small Horse . . . Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!! . . . No Bai Dam Thing!
Did you go to the beach? . . . Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table . . . Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift . . . Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here . . . Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? . . . Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution . . . Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet . . . Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone . . . No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? . . . Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright . . . Yu So Dum
I got this for free . . . Ai No Pei
I am not guilty . . . Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer . . . Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week . . . Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived . . . Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight . . . Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile . . . Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive . . . Hu Man Go!
Pew! does this bathroom stink! . . . Hu Flung Dung?
* * * * * * * * *
50F degrees People in southern England turn on the central heating
People in Edinburgh plant out bedding plants

40F degrees Southerners shiver uncontrollably
Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs

35F degrees Cars in the south of England refuse to start
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down

20F degrees Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
Aberdonian men throw on a T-shirt & girls start wearing mini-skirts

15F degrees Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent
People from Dundee swim in the North Sea at Broughty Ferry

Zero degrees Life in the south grinds to a halt
Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold

Minus 10F degrees Life in the south ceases to exist
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket

Minus 80F degrees Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers

Minus 100F degrees Santa Claus abandons North Pole
People in Stirling put on their 'long johns'

Minus 173F degrees Alcohol freezes
Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut

Minus 297F degrees Microbial life starts to disappear
The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands

Minus 460F degrees All atomic motion stops
Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands

Minus 500F degrees Hell freezes over
Scotland wins the 6 nations
* * * * * * * * *
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay
home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n'Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes, let's make love like craze weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed
weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
* * * * * * * * *
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final in Germany.
As he sits down another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
<><>"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

<> "This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"
<><>"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
" Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
* * * * * * * * *
These are couplets taken from a competition for writing
the most romantic first line and most unromantic second...

After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between my eyes

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Every time I see your face
I wish I were in outer space

I saw your face as you walked by
but then I saw a better guy

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

Look at those eyes, look at that face,
good God, someone, hand me my mace!

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
* * * * * * * * *
I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that th ere is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
there is still only one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I have sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
* * * * * * * * *
Bad Joke Medley...

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it, tiger."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
* * * * * * * * *
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
* * * * * * * * *
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own.
They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see
them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they
drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves
and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we
shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come
dogs chase cats?".

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the
same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time
with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers
with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their
dog."

A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE
LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN
WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''
* * * * * * * * *
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW"

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

"FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

THE WIFE ASKS,

"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

FINE, SHE SAYS,

"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?" THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS", HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! "

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID,

"WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID,

"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"

SHE REPLIED,

"HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
* * * * * * * * *
International rules of blokedom
>
>01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the
>footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it
>is permissible.
>
>02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
>a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
>b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
>c. After wrecking your boss' car.
>d. one hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
>e. When she is using her teeth.
>
>03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
>and eaten by his mates.
>
>04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
>out of jail within 12 hours.
>
>05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
>limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
>
>06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
>forbidden.
>However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
>
>07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
>man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
>optional.
>
>08: on a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
>weakest.
>
>09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
>ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
>playing.
>
>10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
>her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
>flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
>
>11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
>sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
>supermodel...and it's free.
>
>12: only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
>kick another bloke in the nuts.
>
>13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>
>14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>
>15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
>
>16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
>until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or
>LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
>
>17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
>remain sober enough to fight.
>
>18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
>pizza, but not both that's just greedy.
>
>19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
>about his choice of beer.
>
>20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
>except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
>
>21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
>weights:
>
>a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
>b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
>c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
>
>22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
>i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
>situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
>need.
>
>23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
>than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
>Hang up if necessary.
>
>24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
>have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and
>guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
>discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
>
>25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
>her to drive yours.
>
>26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
>orange or sky blue.
>
>27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
>Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox.
End of story.
* * * * * * * * *
>A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
>
>Bear says: " If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering
>with fear."
>
>Lion says: " If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of
>me."
>
>Says the chicken: " Big deal I only have to cough, and the entire
>planet shit's itself."

A big thanks to Claire, Lizzie, John, Zak, Ben, Jenny, Tyler, Brian, and T.R. for the above funnies!!

ADD US TO YOUR FAVOURITES AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT US