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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * MaY 2016..JokEs * *

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
* * * * * * * * *
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
B: I’m not. I’m her mother.
* * * * * * * * *
It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
* * * * * * * * *
Q: A question in a math class. You have 2 apples in your hand and then you add another 4 apples in your hand. What do you have?
A: A very big hand.

Q: Is it legal to marry the sister of your widow?
A: Doesn’t matter. You are dead anyways.

Q: Who earns money without working a single day?
A: The night watchman.

Q: What goes swimming with you but never gets wet?
A: Your shadow.

Q: What is the difference between a car and toilet paper?
A: It’s perfectly OK to buy a used car.

Q: Who is the biggest victim of the yo-yo effect?
A: The moon. It gains and loses every month.

Q: What nails are a pain to hammer into wood?
A: Your finger nails.

Q: What animal turns about 200 times around its axis after it dies?
A: A roast chicken.

Q: Which lion is a very good swimmer?
A: The sea-lion.

Q: What has 6 feet and sings?
A: The singing trio.

Q: The more he has the less he weighs. What is it?
A: Cheese with holes.

Q: You have a basket with 20 apples. You have 20 hungry children. Every child should get an apple but one apple should remain in the basket. How do you do that?
A: You give 19 children one apple each and to the last one you give the basket containing the last apple.

Q: Who eats a lot of iron without getting sick?
A: The rust.

Q: When a child is going to school for the first time, where will it sit?
A: Nowhere, it is still going.

Q: How much earth lies in a hole 3 feet deep and 3 feet wide?
A: None. It wouldn’t be a hole anymore if there were earth in it.
* * * * * * * * *
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
* * * * * * * * *
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language
* * * * * * * * *
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
* * * * * * * * *
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
* * * * * * * * *
What is white and flies up?
-
A retarded snowflake
* * * * * * * * *
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George’s Day,“ commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George” “That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot. “My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.”
“That’s incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.”
* * * * * * * * *
One twin to the other: "You are ugly."
* * * * * * * * *
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”

Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love’ and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for nonsense…”

Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?”

God said, “An arm and a leg…”

Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”
* * * * * * * * *
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you might even catch the 4:11 one.”
* * * * * * * * *
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn’t
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying IDIOT!! told you I was speeding too.
* * * * * * * * *
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. They’re fiercely efficient and not really given to jokes.
* * * * * * * * *
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.
* * * * * * * * *
When your first child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you take it to a doctor. When your second child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it. When your third child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.
* * * * * * * * *
Q: What is yours, but is used much more often by your friends?
A: Your name.

Q: What stays in the corner all the time but travels around the world?
A: Stamps.

Q: What gets quickly wet while drying?
A: The towel.

Q: You had 20 men build your house in two months. How long would it take 10 men to build the very same house?
A: Zero seconds. The house was already built by the 20 men.

Q: There’s a man who can tell the exact score before every soccer match. How on earth does he do that?
A: The score before every soccer match is known to everyone. It is always 0:0.

Q: Maybe I can hear everything but you'll never hear me say a word. Who am I?
A: Your ear.

Q: When you take 2 out of 3 apples away, how many apples do you have?
A: The 2 apples you’ve taken with you.

Q: A man goes out in heavy rain with nothing to protect him from it. His hair doesn’t get wet. How does he do that?
A: He is bald.

Q: On Thursday, a man went for a horseback trip on Friday and returned two days later on Saturday. How is that possible?
A: The horse’s name was Friday.

Q: On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
A: On the outside.

Q: What insect needs to eat the least?
A: The moth – it only eats holes.

Q: What’s got feathers but no wings?
A: Your pillow.

Q: You can sleep on it, brush your teeth with it and sit on it, what is it?
A: A bed, a tooth brush, and a chair.

Q: What spends all the time on the floor but never gets dirty?
A: Your shadow.

Q: In what glasses shouldn’t you pour apple juice?
A: The already full ones.

Q: When does a man really like being alone?
A: When he becomes an heir.

Q: A doctor gave you 3 pills that you have to take every half hour. How long does it take you to use them all?
A: One hour. You took the first one immediately.

Q: When can a man walk on water?
A: When the water gets really cold.
* * * * * * * * *
A woman called our airline ?customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

* * MaY 2015..JokEs * *

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse- it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."

Death to all fanatics!

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

Drink your Coffee! There are people in India sleeping.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2, either.

Department of Redundancy Department

90% of all statistics are made up.

"If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Geez if you believe in honkus.

He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair styling.

Have you seen Quasimoto? I have a hunch he's back!

He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Drilling for oil is boring.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

We are all prawns in the game of life.
*********
Women are like iPhones: You have to touch them all over before they respond.
Men are like Blackberries: Rub one ball and everything moves.
*********
Things That Piss Me Off


People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.
*********
Subject: Bad Virus! No, really...


Subject: Badtimes
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.
Do not open it.

Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on
disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes
on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code,
screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics
to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's
number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will
drink all your beer. For God's sake, man, are you listening?!?!) It
will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting
company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all
the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and
billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that
is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to
passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which
grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it
will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the
forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill
your skim milk with whole milk.

**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart
next time you're making love
*********
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of
juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but
nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses
and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try
the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to
the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter,
or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS.
*********
Theres a lawyer, a nun, and a Priest outside of a burning school.
Nun-"Save the children!"
Preist-"Oh fuck the children!"
Lawyer-"Do you think we have time?"
*********
"Irish Ditch Diggers"

A pair of Irish ditch diggers was repairing some
roadside damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute, when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.

"Would ya look at that Murphy!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

"Did ya see that Murphy?" Pat asked the other in
shock and disbelief.
"Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just
can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"

Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a
Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching, and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Murphy look!" Said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta' died."
*********
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%. Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%.
First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future.
How does one achieve 100% in LIFE?

Begin by noting the following.

A = 1
B = 2
C = 3
D = 4
E = 5
F = 6
G = 7
H = 8
I = 9
J = 10
K = 11
L = 12
M = 13
N = 14
O = 15
P = 16
Q = 17
R = 18
S = 19
T = 20
U = 21
V = 22
W = 23
X = 24
Y = 25
Z = 26
Then:

H A R D W O R K =
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%
Similarly,

K N O W L E D G E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%
But interesting (and as you'd expect),
A T T I T U D E =

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% ... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.
But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is:

B U L L S H I T =
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!
*********
There once was a man from Kent,
whose cock was so long it bent,
to save himself trouble,
he put it in double,
and instead of cumming he went.
*********
AN IRISH MOTHER' LETTER TO HER SON
12TH JANUARY 1969

DEAR SON,
I AM WRITING THIS TO LET YOU KNOW I AM STILL ALIVE. I WILL WRITE SLOWLY BECAUSE I KNOW YOU CANNOT READ FAST. YOU WONT KNOW THE HOUSE WHEN YOU COME HOME, BY THE WAY WE HAVE MOVED.

ABOUT YOUR FATHER, HE HAS LOVELY JOB, HE HAS 500 MEN UNDER HIM. HE IS CUTTING GRASS AT THE CEMETRY.

THERE WAS A WASHING MACHINE IN THE NEW HOUSE WHEN WE MOVE IN BUT IT IS NOT WORKING TO WELL, LAST WEEK I PUT FORTEEN SHIRTS INTO IT AND I PULLED THE CHAIN AND HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE.

YOUR SISTER MARY HAD A BABY THIS MORNING, I HAVEN'T FOUND OUT IF IT IS A BOY OR A GIRL SO I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE AN AUNT OR AN UNCLE.

YOUR UNCLE DICK DROWNED LAST WEEK IN A VAT OF WHISKY IN THE DUBLIN DISTILLERY, SOME OF HIS MATES DIVED INTO SAVE HIM, BUT HE FOUGHT THEM OFF BRAVELY, WE CREMATED HIS BODY, IT TOOK THREE WEEKS TO PUT THE FIRE OUT.

YOUR FATHER DIDNT HAVE MUCH TO DRINK AT XMAS, I PUT A BOTTLE OF CASTOR OIL IN HIS BEER. IT KEPT HIM GOING UNTIL NEW YEARS DAY.

I WENT TO THE DOCTORS ON THURSDAY AND YOUR FATHER CAME WITH ME. THE DOCTOR PUT A SMALL TUBE IN TO MY MOUTH, HE TOLD ME NOT TO OPEN MY MOUTH FOR TEN MINUTES, YOUR FATHER OFFERED TO BUY IT FROM HIM.

IT RAINED ONLY TWICE LAST WEEK. FIRST FOR 3 DAYS THEN FOR 4. IT WAS SO WINDY THAT ONE OF CHICKENS LAID THE SAME EGG THREE TIMES.

WE HAD A LETTER FROM THE UNDERTAKERS YESTERDAY, HE SAID IF THE LAST INSTALLMENT WASN'T PAID ON UP ON YOUR GRANDMOTHER WITHIN SEVEN DAYS, THEN UP SHE COMES.


YOUR LOVING MOTHER
XXXXXXXX

P.S. I WAS GOING TO SEND £10.00 BUT I HAD ALREADY SEALED THE ENVELOPE.
*********
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests this year. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.
Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the
medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of
your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from
the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy,
Relief Maid
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning
the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camay's to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camay's, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give
it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
Business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's
the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to
your room and to remove the extra soaps.
If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108
between 8 AM and 5 PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing.
Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own
bath-size Imperial Leather.
I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4
little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I
don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.
Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here?
All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camay's which had been taken
and the 3 Camay's you are supposed to receive daily.
I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps,
so she also brought 24 Camay's plus the 3 daily Camay's.
I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size
Imperial Leather.
I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory that I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4
and 1 stack of 2.
On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack
of 2.
In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On the north-east corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly
used.
On the north-west corner of the tub - 6 Camay's in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the
stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will
make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial
Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
*********
A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an
unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since
the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby
hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three
of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before
long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left,
friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over
to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.
Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed
with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll
never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his
ass. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough,
she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out
of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to
her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed,
asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is
yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This
keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time,
when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't
mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use
my asshole as your scoreboard?"
*********
Little Willie Winkle
with a thirst for gore
stapled his sister to the door,
"Now Willie", his mother said with humor quaint,
"Don't do that, you'll scratch the paint"
*********
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What do you do when your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you?
A: Shorten her chain.
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.
Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
*********
Two lawyers were sitting at a bar when a great looking girl walks by. "Boy, I'd really like to screw her! " says the first lawyer. "Out of what?" says the second lawyer.
*********
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found
that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention
of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the
documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be
expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0
installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization
where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some
applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are
no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when
selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of
undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:

- A"Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be
installed with the option to uninstall at anytime
without the loss of cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous
mode which would allow the systems hardware
probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You
must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long
standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of
Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they
would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The
uninstall
program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable
traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up
little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

BUG WARNING

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before
uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the
uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming
insufficient resources.

BUG WORK-AROUNDS
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system
and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware
of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses
that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under
an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be
downloaded from the UseNet.
*********
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front


Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.


Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.


Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you d**ckhead.


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*ck him, He's only an egg.


Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's a*ss
and turned it's wool to nylon


Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was g.a.y.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.


Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
*********
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.
This gives us plenty of time
to care for our newly acquired mustache.
*********
1 ) that's not right......................Sum Ting Wong
2 ) are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3 ) see me ASAP......................Kum Hia
4 ) stupid man...........................Dum Gai
5 ) small horse...........................Tai Ni Po Ni
6 )did you go to the beach...............Wai Yu So Tan
7 ) i bumprd the coffee table...............Ai Bang Mai Ni
8 ) i think you need a face lift...............Chin Tu Fat
9 ) it's very dark in here......................Wao So Dim
10) i thought you were on a diet..............Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) this is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King
12) our meeting is scheduled for next week.........Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) staying out of sight........................Lei Ying Lo
14) he's cleaning the automobile..........Wa Shing Ka
15) your body odor is offensive...............Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) great.............................................Fa Kin Su Pah
17) Ireland will win the world cup................No Fu Kin Wai

* * MaY 2014 ..JokEs * *

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something
useful with my time.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic
of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the
senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson
about staying out of my business.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going
to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh dear, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do...............
I signed up for five jumps a week" !!!

Ooooops ... Hopefully that might stop her moaning at me!!!!
* * * * * * * * *
The Aldi Doctor...

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow
hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about It.

It takes ten seconds and costs two pounds. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

He deposits two pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis
elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from the dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results.
He deposits two pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
and
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.
* * * * * * * * *
Phone rings,

woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says,

"I bet you have a tight ass with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching football - who shall I say is calling?"
* * * * * * * * *
APARTMENT for RENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose
the following typed note:


'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:

'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady...
* * * * * * * * *
If you really want to slap someone
do it... and shout ....
Mosquito!!
* * * * * * * * *
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped
up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and
read the letter:

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew
you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s
not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading
it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know
how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit
so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your son, James

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report Card
that's in my center desk drawer.
* * * * * * * * *
The History of the Middle Finger:
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.
* * * * * * * * *
To be Irish!

"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.
* * * *
Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble.
"Is that you Murphy?" called his wife.
"Byjasis! It damned well better be!"
* * * *
Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.
"It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock".
Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.
"Where the hell did you get that?"
Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off
"She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy.
"Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."
* * * *
PADDY... "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have both of them."
"Three," ? ... suggested Shaun.
* * * *
Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.
"What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.
"Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy.
The officer took the bottle and tried some. " Why it's Irish whiskey." ! he spluttered.
"Lord bless me."! said Paddy, "another bloomin`miracle."
* * * *
On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.
The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
"What's it for?" asked Paddy.
"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.
Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."
* * * * * * * * *
ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person


And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...
* * * * * * * * *
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: £3.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs £3.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts
your spending each month at £252. In one year, it would be approximately £3024 …correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend £3024, not accounting for inflation, the
past 20 years puts your spending at £60480, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
* * * * * * * * *
GARDENING WITH GRANDMA
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams.. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
* * * * * * * * *
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."
* * * * * * * * *
> ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX
>
> Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.
>
> Below you will find a list of companies catering for most tastes.
>
> (1) Sex with the wife: Legal & General
>
> (2) Sex on the phone: Direct Line
>
> (3) Sex with a partner: Standard Life
>
> (4) Sex with someone different: Go Compare
>
> (5) Sex with a fat girl: More Than
>
> Sex in a car: Sheila’s Wheels
>
> (7) Sex with a posh girl: Privileged
>
> Sex with a transvestite: Confused.com
* * * * * * * * *
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...


But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!

* * MaY 2013 ..JokEs * *

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
* * * * * * * * *
International rules of blokedom
>
>01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the
>footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it
>is permissible.
>
>02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
>a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
>b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
>c. After wrecking your boss' car.
>d. one hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
>e. When she is using her teeth.
>
>03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
>and eaten by his mates.
>
>04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
>out of jail within 12 hours.
>
>05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
>limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
>
>06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
>forbidden.
>However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
>
>07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
>man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
>optional.
>
>08: on a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
>weakest.
>
>09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
>ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
>playing.
>
>10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
>her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
>flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
>
>11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
>sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
>supermodel...and it's free.
>
>12: only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
>kick another bloke in the nuts.
>
>13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>
>14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>
>15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
>
>16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
>until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or
>LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
>
>17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
>remain sober enough to fight.
>
>18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
>pizza, but not both that's just greedy.
>
>19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
>about his choice of beer.
>
>20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
>except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
>
>21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
>weights:
>
>a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
>b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
>c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
>
>22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
>i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
>situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
>need.
>
>23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
>than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
>Hang up if necessary.
>
>24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
>have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and
>guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
>discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
>
>25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
>her to drive yours.
>
>26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
>orange or sky blue.
>
>27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
>Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox.
End of story.
* * * * * * * * *
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it!

The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.

I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
* * * * * * * * *
So there's 3 construction workers working on a skyscraper.
One brunette, one red-head, and a blonde.
At lunch, the brunette opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich.
He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I get them everyday! If I get one more PB&J I'm going to jump off this building!"
Then the red-head opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich.
He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I am so sick of those! Next time, I'm jumping off this building!"
Then the blonde opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich.
He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Will I ever get something else?! One more and I'm jumping too."
The next day each of them open their lunches to discover PB&j's, so they jump off the building and die.
At their funeral the brunette's wife cries and says, "Why did I pack him peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches, why!?"
The red-head wife cries and says, "Why didn't I pack him something else, WHY!?!?"
Then the blonde's wife says, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch."
* * * * * * * * *
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
* * * * * * * * *
>A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
>
>Bear says: " If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering
>with fear."
>
>Lion says: " If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of
>me."
>
>Says the chicken: " Big deal I only have to cough, and the entire
>planet shit's itself."
* * * * * * * * *
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,
'I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'

But the blonde keeps on screaming,
'I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motorhome!'

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...

'W I N A B A G E L'
* * * * * * * * *

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
* * * * * * * * *
Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathroom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks".
* * * * * * * * *
A Missouri Sheriff
A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO
And talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect
Your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Sheriif verbally explodes saying,
'Mister, I have the authority of the
Sheriffs Department with me.' Reaching
Into his rear pant pocket and
Removing his badge. The officer proudly
Displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means
I am allowed to go wherever
I wish..on any land. No questions asked
Or answers given.
Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and
Goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams
And spies the Sheriff running for
His life and close behind is the farmer's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground
On the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately throws down
His tools, runs to the fence and yells
At the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge!
Show him your badge Smartass!

* * * * * * * * *
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
* * * * * * * * *
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."

* * * * * * * * *
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
* * * * * * * * *
Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.

He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."

Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "FUCK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"

Billy shakes his head as YES.

Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."

Billy shakes his head YES.

He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.

When he gets there he askes this guy...

"Could you hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it"
* * * * * * * * *
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down

next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man

on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob , saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news,

and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

* * * * * * * * *
Q. I have 3 heads, 5 legs, 7 arms and 444 fingers. What am I?
A. A liar.
* * * * * * * * *
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
* * * * * * * * *
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
* * * * * * * * *
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is
* * * * * * * * *
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, I am sorry, we have cherries and olives but no grapes." "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later the duck returns and asks the same bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" "Like I said before, we have cherries and olives, but WE DON'T HAVE GRAPES!" says the bartender. "Oh," says the duck and leaves. But ten minutes later the duck returns and again asks, "Do you have any grapes?" "Look, beak lips," screams the bartender. "WE HAVE NO GRAPES!, we will never have NO grapes! and if you ask me again, I am going to nail your webby little feet to the floor!!!" "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later, the door swings open and the duck returns. The bartender is furious. He slams a bottle of beer down on the bar, stares menacingly at the duck and screams, "WHAT???!!" "Uh...uh...do ...you ...have...any....NAILS?" "Nails? Nails? No, we don't have nails," answers the bartender. "Mmmm," says the duck. "So, do you have any grapes?"
* * * * * * * * *
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

What's another word for synonym?

If the cop arrests a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
* * * * * * * * *
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
* * * * * * * * *
Q. Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A. Because the farmer had cold hands.

* * * * * * * * *
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