VERY FUNNY JOKES

PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGES
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JOKES

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* * MaY 2013 ..JokEs * *

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
* * * * * * * * *
International rules of blokedom
>
>01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the
>footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it
>is permissible.
>
>02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
>a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
>b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
>c. After wrecking your boss' car.
>d. one hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
>e. When she is using her teeth.
>
>03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
>and eaten by his mates.
>
>04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
>out of jail within 12 hours.
>
>05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
>limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
>
>06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
>forbidden.
>However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
>
>07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
>man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
>optional.
>
>08: on a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
>weakest.
>
>09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
>ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
>playing.
>
>10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
>her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
>flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
>
>11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
>sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
>supermodel...and it's free.
>
>12: only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
>kick another bloke in the nuts.
>
>13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>
>14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>
>15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
>
>16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
>until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or
>LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
>
>17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
>remain sober enough to fight.
>
>18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
>pizza, but not both that's just greedy.
>
>19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
>about his choice of beer.
>
>20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
>except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
>
>21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
>weights:
>
>a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
>b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
>c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
>
>22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
>i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
>situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
>need.
>
>23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
>than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
>Hang up if necessary.
>
>24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
>have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and
>guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
>discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
>
>25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
>her to drive yours.
>
>26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
>orange or sky blue.
>
>27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
>Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox.
End of story.
* * * * * * * * *
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it!

The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.

I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
* * * * * * * * *
So there's 3 construction workers working on a skyscraper.
One brunette, one red-head, and a blonde.
At lunch, the brunette opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich.
He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I get them everyday! If I get one more PB&J I'm going to jump off this building!"
Then the red-head opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich.
He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I am so sick of those! Next time, I'm jumping off this building!"
Then the blonde opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich.
He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Will I ever get something else?! One more and I'm jumping too."
The next day each of them open their lunches to discover PB&j's, so they jump off the building and die.
At their funeral the brunette's wife cries and says, "Why did I pack him peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches, why!?"
The red-head wife cries and says, "Why didn't I pack him something else, WHY!?!?"
Then the blonde's wife says, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch."
* * * * * * * * *
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
* * * * * * * * *
>A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
>
>Bear says: " If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering
>with fear."
>
>Lion says: " If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of
>me."
>
>Says the chicken: " Big deal I only have to cough, and the entire
>planet shit's itself."
* * * * * * * * *
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,
'I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'

But the blonde keeps on screaming,
'I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motorhome!'

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...

'W I N A B A G E L'
* * * * * * * * *
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
* * * * * * * * *
Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathroom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks".
* * * * * * * * *
A Missouri Sheriff
A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO
And talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect
Your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Sheriif verbally explodes saying,
'Mister, I have the authority of the
Sheriffs Department with me.' Reaching
Into his rear pant pocket and
Removing his badge. The officer proudly
Displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means
I am allowed to go wherever
I wish..on any land. No questions asked
Or answers given.
Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and
Goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams
And spies the Sheriff running for
His life and close behind is the farmer's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground
On the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately throws down
His tools, runs to the fence and yells
At the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge!
Show him your badge Smartass!
* * * * * * * * *
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
* * * * * * * * *
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."
* * * * * * * * *
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
* * * * * * * * *
Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.

He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."

Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "FUCK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"

Billy shakes his head as YES.

Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."

Billy shakes his head YES.

He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.

When he gets there he askes this guy...

"Could you hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it"
* * * * * * * * *
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down

next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man

on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob , saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news,

and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...
* * * * * * * * *
Q. I have 3 heads, 5 legs, 7 arms and 444 fingers. What am I?
A. A liar.
* * * * * * * * *
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
* * * * * * * * *
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
* * * * * * * * *
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is
* * * * * * * * *
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, I am sorry, we have cherries and olives but no grapes." "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later the duck returns and asks the same bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" "Like I said before, we have cherries and olives, but WE DON'T HAVE GRAPES!" says the bartender. "Oh," says the duck and leaves. But ten minutes later the duck returns and again asks, "Do you have any grapes?" "Look, beak lips," screams the bartender. "WE HAVE NO GRAPES!, we will never have NO grapes! and if you ask me again, I am going to nail your webby little feet to the floor!!!" "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later, the door swings open and the duck returns. The bartender is furious. He slams a bottle of beer down on the bar, stares menacingly at the duck and screams, "WHAT???!!" "Uh...uh...do ...you ...have...any....NAILS?" "Nails? Nails? No, we don't have nails," answers the bartender. "Mmmm," says the duck. "So, do you have any grapes?"
* * * * * * * * *
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

What's another word for synonym?

If the cop arrests a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
* * * * * * * * *
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
* * * * * * * * *
Q. Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A. Because the farmer had cold hands.

* * MaY 2012 ..JokEs * *

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.

So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it is the same side of the street.

I don't have to cross the road!
* * * * * * * *
An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Manchester

There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to Blackburn, Burnley, Rochdale Littleborough, and Todmorden

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone.

He arrived in Halifax, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son ... it's a local call.'
* * * * * * * *
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’."
* * * * * * * *
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired moustache.
* * * * * * * *
Funny Cyber Sex Conversation.

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
* * * * * * * *
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.'

Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.'
The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye'tis,

NOW hand me dat shovel.'
* * * * * * * *
How many zeros in a billion?

This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the
Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
Whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
But one advertising agency did a good job of
Putting that figure into some perspective in
One of it's releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
Living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion Pounds ago was only
13 hours and 12 minutes,
At the rate our government
Is spending it.

Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Income Tax
Value Added Tax
Unemployment Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Petrol/Diesel Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
(tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Local Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
And our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
And Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'
* * * * * * * *
Subject: Cancel credit cards prior to death

Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle recently;

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so
priceless
and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is
today!

A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October
and
November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then
added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been
£0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in September .'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the
credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

MBNA:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
' Di d you just get what I was telling you. . The part about her being
dead?'

MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her grandson' (Lawyer info given)

MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.' (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can
do to
help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her.
I don't think she will care.'

MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Heaton Cemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'

MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle
Evening Chronicle rang.
* * * * * * * *
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

----oOo----

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Really, ..." says
Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

----oOo----

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

----oOo----

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.

----oOo----

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

----oOo----

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

---oOo----

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....

----oOo----

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get
one cheaper off the web."

----oOo----

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

----oOo----

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

----oOo----

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

----oOo----

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

----oOo----

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor'
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
* * * * * * * *
Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine ..

20. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

21. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

22. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

23. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
* * * * * * * *
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: 'For this I have stretch marks?'
* * * * * * * *
The Fairy & The Immigrant

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --
PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.
And she disappeared
* * * * * * * *
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

And last, but certainly not least:
The Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.
* * * * * * * *
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water?

* * * * * * * * *
100's of FUNNY JOKES