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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * JUNe . 2016 .JoKeS * *

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
Nobody stands up.
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
Little Johnny stands up.
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... I just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
* * * * * * * * *
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’
* * * * * * * * *
Boy: I'd tell you a joke about my dick but it's too long
Girl: I'd tell you a joke about my pussy but you'll never get it
* * * * * * * * *
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
* * * * * * * * *

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
* * * * * * * * *
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’
* * * * * * * * *
Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*tch.
* * * * * * * * *
You know you're screwed when your Asian classmate says "shit" during the test.
* * * * * * * * *
Three fathers are talking about their sons. The first father says, "my sons a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini". The second father said, "my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht". The third father says, "my sons the CEO of a big company. He's so rich he just bought his best friend a castle". Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about. The other three fathers say, "we're talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?" The fouth father says, "well my sons a gay stripper." The other three fathers say, "oh wow, you must be really disappointed." The fourth father replies with, "well not really, he's doing really well. His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle."
* * * * * * * * *

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
* * * * * * * * *
A jump-lead walks into a bar, the barman says 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything'
* * * * * * * * *
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’
* * * * * * * * *
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
* * * * * * * *
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!"
* * * * * * * * *
Boy: Calls 911, Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

* * * * * * * * *
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

* * * * * * * * *
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

* * * * * * * * *
So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice." The man then asks, "So where is George Bush's clock and Tony Blairs' and I cant see one for Gordon Brown either"? St. Peter replies, "Many politicians and leader's clocks have very special places up at head office ...used as ceiling fans!"
* * * * * * * * *
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’
* * * * * * * * *
C
hina has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
* * * * * * * * *

* * JuNe '15. JoKes * *

Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like
to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey," she tells O'Flynn.

The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle
of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."

"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father
Reilly. His constipation, you know."

O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister
Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way
home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary
Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father
Reilly's constipation."

"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's
gonna shit!"
* * * * * * *
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they
haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to
talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation
covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and
finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but
it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed
that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate"
* * * * * * *
The long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully
considered :
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast
implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research,
it is believed thatby the year 2030
there will be a large number of people wandering around with
huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
* * * * * * *
Two lawyers had been marooned on a desert island for
almost a year after their ship had sunk during a terrible
storm. One day while walking along the beach, the two
lawyers find a beautiful unconscious woman washed up
on the shore. The first lawyer asks the second lawyer,
"Think we should fuck her?", and the second lawyer replies,
"Out of what?".
* * * * * * *
Once I was on a long distance trip and I decide to make a stop
at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the
washroom. The first stall was taken so I went into the second
stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...
"Hi there, how is it going?"

OK, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers
in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say,
but I replied:
"Not bad I guess."

Then the voice says:
"So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm
going back East to see some friends and just try to relax..."

Then I hear the person say:
"Look, I'm going to have to call you back. Every time I ask
you a question, some idiot in the next stall keeps answering"
* * * * * * *
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to
the beach?"
* * * * * * *
We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can
only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power
in the future to wreak revenge on the son-of-a-bitch who
screwed us in the past.
xxx
Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you
to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you
really tried them.
xxx
Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the
spanking?"
xxx
To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it
wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.
xxx
A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can
provide us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes
with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.
xxx
When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider
dating outside the family.
xxx
If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then
when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin.
That'll teach him.
xxx
They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and
precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free too,
and I find it more personal and sincere.
xxx
The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease
to be amused.
* * * * * * *
The Millers were shown into the dentist's office
where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered.
"No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff."
"Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the
dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Miller turned to his wife.
"Show him your tooth, Honey."
* * * * * * *
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement
home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green
grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness
of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much
bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big
onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but
I remember the guy you're talking about."
* * * * * * *
Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at
the local pub and in walks O'Rourke.

O'Rourke says, "did ye hear about O'Hara dyin last night?"

Paddy and Murphy, in shock, exclaim, "No! Poor O'Hara. Has
anyone told his wife?" O'Rourke says, "No she hasn't been told
yet, but I'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her. He is
such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk
the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the trees."

They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks
in and says, "Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me for
everyone." O'Rourke tells Patrick the sad news about O'Hara
dying and asks him to break the news very gently to his wife,
as she doesn't yet know.

Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will be glad to have a chat
with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to her that a
whimper is all she'll utter. I'm a man of words and I can charm
the fish from the brook and the birds from the trees. Don't
worry lads, I'll take care of this. They don't call me sweet
talker for nuttin."

Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on the
door and O'Hara's wife answers and says, "Yes may I help you?"
Sweet talking Patrick steps forward and at attention says,
"Are you the widow O'Hara?" To which the woman responds,
"My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow."

Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims, "Shit you
ain't, woman!"

* * * * * * *
A local community club was organizing a baseball team. They
could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find
a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, a very
reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood
from London, to join their team.

During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the
very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.

The team members stood there, dumfounded. Unfortunately, so
did the Englishman. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's
sake, run!"

The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't
run," he replied. "I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps
another ball."

* * * * * * *
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "you
are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your
daughter to death with a spanner." Again, the voice at the
back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f***ing b*stard!!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the
courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and
frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of
these outbursts from you or I shall hold you in contempt!
Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court
stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door
to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a f***ing
spanner he said he didn't have one!!"
* * * * * * *
At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are
awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing
through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to
Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student,
newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East. To pass
the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the
discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The
conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine
table, tips his big sweat stained hat forward over his face. The wind
outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane
comes. Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he
speaks: "Once my people were many, now we are few."
The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people
were few, " he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose
that is?"
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the
darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played
Cowboys and Muslims yet."
* * * * * * *
A man decides to stop and get something to eat since he has
been driving for 4 hours. He pulls into the first restaurant
he sees and orders a hamburger and a drink. The waitress
comes back with his meal. The man says
"Why is my food so big..."

The waitress replies
"This is Texas, Texans like everything big!"

So after eating some of his gigantic meal, the man asks where
he can find the washroom. The waitress tells him to go down a
hall and take a left. He walks down the hall and to the left
and falls into a pool. Right away the man yells
"Don't Flush!"
* * * * * * *
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing
up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this
hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this
hat yesterday!"
* * * * * * *
A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They
walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,
son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh," replied the boy. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school."
He picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday,
one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?
"Those are for college men," the dad answers."Two for Friday, two for
Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the
dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for
February, one for...
* * * * * * *
"FOR THE BEER DRINKER...."

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might
be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,
"It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
by Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools."
Ernest Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
* * * * * * *
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go
by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been
reading this 'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is
'mutual orgasm.' 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there -
that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband
was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?".
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and
said, "No, I think we had State Farm.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

* * JUNe. .'14 JoKeS * *

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private.
Hey .... Facebook changed all that.
* * * * * * * * * *
A mafia boss in Brooklyn needed a new accountant.
He interviewed several guys for the job by asking one question,
“How much is two plus two?”
Only one applicant had the right answer:
“How much do you want it to be?”
* * * * * * * * * *
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person"
report for his missing wife:
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.
Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Color of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Color of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-Color of the car? . . . . .
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door ......
....... and then the husband started crying …
Inspector:-Don't worry sir, .....We will find your car.
* * * * * * * * * *
Henry always worried about everything all his life.
But one day his coworkers noticed Henry seemed like a changed man.

They remarked that he didn’t seem to be the least bit worried about anything.
Henry said he’d hired a professional worrier and no longer had any problems.

“A professional worrier?" they said. "What does that cost?”

“Two grand a week.”

"Two grand a week! How on earth are you going to pay him?"

"Screw him. Let him worry about it.
* * * * * * * * * *
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
* * * * * * * * * *
Eight ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"

1. The cucumber has left the salad.
2. You've got Windows in your laptop.
3. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
4. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Sailor Ned is trying to take a little shore leave.
7. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
8. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
* * * * * * * * * *
A Jewish guy's mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah.
The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one.
As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks,
"What -- you didn't like the other one?"
* * * * * * * * * *
For several weeks a man lay in a coma. His loyal, loving wife had spent every single day and many nights in his hospital room. Then one day he came to. He opened his eyes to see his wife at his bedside.
They looked at each other, and he croaked in a hoarse voice, “Mary.”
“I’m here, Dear,” she replied.
"My God, Mary, I just realized something,” he said. “You’ve always been with me in the tough times. When the corporation laid me off, you were right by my side. When my own company went bankrupt, you stood by me. When I was mangled in a car wreck, you were right there. When the house burned down, you were here too. When my heart started to give out, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, Darling?" she asked lovingly, her heart brimming with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
* * * * * * * * * *
STRESS

You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl.
Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is stress.

In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a big stress already.

You require for a DNR analysis and they make it.

Then the doctors tell you quietly, that actually you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile. This is a stress, combined with a relief.

On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids.
That's what the real stress is.
* * * * * * * * * *
A couple of American girls were bicycling through Scotland. As they pedaled through the countryside, they spotted an old man off in a meadow sitting against a tree. It was such a beautiful scene, they decided to walk out and take a picture. They parked their bikes and hiked over to the old Scotsman.
When they got there, he was sound asleep, sawing logs, oblivious to the world.
As they stood there looking at the old man in his tam and kilt, one girl started gigling.
“What is it?” her friend asked.
The first girl said, “Oh, I’ve just always wondered if it’s true that Scotsmen don’t wear anything underneath their kilts.”
Her friend replied, “Well, there may never be a better time to find out.”
So they crept up to the Scotsman, who was snoring loudly, and very carefully lifted up his kilt for a peek underneath.
Their curiosity satisfied, they smiled at each other and gently lowered the kilt.
As they stood there, the first girl said, “You know, we’ve invaded this man’s privacy and he doesn’t even know it.”
Her friend said, “So what should we do?”
The first girl said, “I think we should leave him a little memento.”
And with that, she pulled the ribbon from her hair, lifted up the Scotsman’s kilt, and laid the ribbon softly underneath.
Then they hiked back to their bicycles and rode away.
Some time later, the old Scotsman started to wake up.
He shook the cobwebs from his head and stretched his arms. Then he noticed he felt something strange underneath his kilt.
So he lifted it up, took a look, and lowered it.
He scratched his chin, lifted up his kilt again, and said, “Well, Ah don’t know where ya been, Laddie, but I’m glad ta see ya won first prize.”
* * * * * * * * * *
A woman raced her car up her driveway, squealed the brakes and screeched to a stop. She ran inside, banged the front door shut, and yelled, “Honey, pack your suitcase! I just won the Powerball!”
Her husband shouted back, “Wow! Really? That’s awesome!! What do you want me to pack? Mountain stuff or Caribbean stuff?
She shouted back, “I don’t give a flip. Just get the hell out!”
* * * * * * * * * *
A woman answers her phone, "Hello."
"Is this Mrs. Haycroft"
"Yes."
"Mrs. Haycroft, this is Doctor Willits calling from the Medical Lab. Your doctor sent us your husband's samples yesterday, and in the same shipment we received a similar sample from a different Mr. Haycroft. Unfortunately there was a mixup, and we're not sure which result belongs to your husband. I'm sorry to say that either way, the news is not good."
"Not good?" asks Mrs. Haycroft.
"I'm afraid not. One of the tests came back with Alzheimer's and the other with AIDS. As I said, we're unsure which result is the correct one for your husband."
"Oh no, that's horrible!" said Mrs. Haycroft. "I assume you'll redo the test?"
"We'd like to, but they're very expensive, and the insurance people tell us they will not pay for them again."
"That's ridiculous! What can I possibly do now?"
"The insurance company recommends that you drive your husband to the other side of town and leave him there. If he can find his way home, don't sleep with him."

* * * * * * * * * *
A young devout Christian named David joined a monastery, worked hard, and eventually was allowed to take his vows.

He promised to be free of the desire for possessions, to be obedient, and most importantly, celibate. He was initiated into the holy order and became one of the brother monks.

He was put to work copying ancient holy manuscripts which he did for a number of years.

After some time, having been religiously obedient and celibate, he was elevated to the post of fact checker. He was entrusted with reading the original manuscripts and making sure they had always been copied letter for letter, word for word.

One day the rest of the monks were having lunch, and they noticed David was missing. The head abbot went down to the archives to find brother David, and discovered him bent over an original ancient text, sobbing and weeping.

Alarmed, the abbot asked, “Brother David, what is the matter?”

“All this time....all this time....” was all David could choke out.

“David, all this time...what?” the abbot insisted.

“All this time...we’ve been copying it wrong. The word is ‘celebrate.’”
* * * * * * * * * *
Two engineering students were out mountain biking. One of them asked the other, "Where'd you get that cool bike, anyway?"
His engineering friend said, "It was weird. I was exercising on the quad the other day and this gorgeous girl coasted by on her bike. She stopped, watched me for a few minutes, jumped off the bike, took all her clothes off, and told me I could have whatever I wanted.
The first engineering student thought a second, then nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. I doubt if the clothes would have fit."
* * * * * * * * * *
My doorbell rang last weekend. When I pulled it open there was a nice-looking young couple on my porch. The man said, "Good morning, sir. We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses, and we’d like to give you some literature. If you have a minute we’d love to chat with you about our work.”
I wasn’t busy so I invited them in for coffee. When they were settled I asked them what they wanted to tell me first.
The young guy said, "Beats the heck out of me, We never got this far before.”
* * * * * * * * * *
A woman calmly strolled into a pharmacy, then walked straight over to the pharmacist. Calmly and seriously she said, “I need some cyanide.”
“Why would you possibly need to buy cyanide?” the druggist asked.
The woman said, “To poison my cheating bastard of a husband.”
The druggist was shocked. “You know I can’t do that. It’s illegal. I can’t sell you cyanide. To kill your husband? We’d both wind up in prison. There’s no way I’m doing that!”
The woman calmly opened her purse.
She extracted a photo of her husband in a motel bed with the druggist’s wife.
He looked at the photo and said, “Ah, that's different. You neglected to mention you had a prescription.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

* * JUNe. .'13 JoKeS * *

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect;
they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought
he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf and huge,
enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf..

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,


She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking
and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips


He responds warmly.


They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in his arms
and carries her into his bedroom where
they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow..

The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:




Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf ...
* * * * * * * * * *
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"
* * * * * * * * * *
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.
>>>>
>>>> What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
>>>>
>>>> The Beretta Jetfire:
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by
>>>> a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere.
>>>>
>>>> She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
>>>>
>>>> If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today !!!
>>>>
>>>> Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…
>>>>
>>>> the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
>>>>
>>>> It's one of the best pistols in my collection!!!
* * * * * * * * * *
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
* * * * * * * * * *
The Lord and The Harley Rider
> >
> > A man riding his Harley was riding along a California
> beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming
> voice, the Lord said,
> > 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in
> all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
> >
> > The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to
> Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
> >
> > The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic,
> think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the
>supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete
>and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
>resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
> for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something
>that could possibly help mankind.'
> >
> > The biker thought about it for a long time.
> > Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men
> could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what
> she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
> what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a
> Woman truly happy.'
> >
> > The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on
> that bridge?'
* * * * * * * * * *
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

* * * * * * * * * *

Don't find many Heroes like this one!!!!

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that .... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
* * * * * * * * * *
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived
at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... BUT all men ... are men !!

* * * * * * * * * *
The Top Ten Things Men Know "FOR SURE" About Women

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. They have boobs.


* * * * * * * * * *
Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some Luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now."
* * * * * * * * * *
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
* * * * * * * * * *
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 .. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........


"What . . . ....

You're coming empty handed?"
* * * * * * * * * *
ITS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS

Cardiovascular Exercise
for all 50 yrs and older.


The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into
our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health
and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more
repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It
may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

Scroll Down.

























NOW SCROLL UP..

Aaaannd ..... That's enough for the first day.
Great job.
Have a glass of Wine.
* * * * * * * * * *
Repent O Sinner......
There was a house painter named Smokey Skinner who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..


(you're going to love this)


"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
* * * * * * * * * *
A woman was standing on top of a cliff and just as she was about to commit suicide by jumping off, a tramp walked past and said "as you're about to commit suicide, do you mind if we have sex first"
"Sod off" she says.

"Never mind" says the tramp.
"l'll just wait at the bottom"
* * * * * * * * * *
Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute - ***-gasms.
Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac - more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odour-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theatre - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadour-gasms.
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms
.
* * * * * * * * * *
A Father's Tough Love.......
Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods
to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take
the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the
opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or
just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.
I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important
element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case
you would like to use the technique. . . . . .


>>>>>>



>>>>>>





This should work with grandkids also . . . . . .

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

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