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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * JUNe. .'10 JoKeS * *

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.

The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
* * * * * * * * *
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, a man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.'

And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"
* * * * * * * * *
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I`ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man`s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I`ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he`ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It`s just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she`ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, `comfortable.`"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, `comfortable`?"

The brunette explains, "My sister`s blonde."

"She`ll read it very slow."
* * * * * * * * *
For all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realise it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
* * * * * * * * *
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their Web site is
http://www.whorepresents.com

Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at
http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at http://www.therapistfinder.com

There's the Italian Power Generator company,
http://www.powergenitalia.com

And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, http://www.molestationnursery.com

If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com

The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
http://www.cummingfirst.com

And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com
* * * * * * * * *
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"
"Don't what?"
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.
"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.

"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.
"Then why did you? "
said the Father.
"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it! "
Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom
and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you..
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
* * * * * * * * *
THE GAY COWBOY

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to
place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to
have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and
the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and
upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
> > > fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
She said. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off,"
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire,
he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
* * * * * * * * *
A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house

along the course. They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off, "Actually, I want to thank you,

I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me.

I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish,

and I'll keep last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie, "it's the least I can do."

"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife.

"Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish.

Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't made love in a really long time.

My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money

and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife agreed.

The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours.

After he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked,

"How old is you husband, anyway?"

"Twenty-five," said the wife.

"And he still believes in genies?"
* * * * * * * * *
A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my 'old man' could nearly touch the floor." .. the crocodile bit off his legs.
* * * * * * * * *
Two men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I
Saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year
Is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
£900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him
in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
* * * * * * * * *
Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home"

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: - My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

* * * * * * * * *
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All herfriends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied,
"I get all the thanks I need every time
I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
* * * * * * * * *
A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it
off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes
speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding
off.

More than a little distraught, the Lawyer grabs his mobile and calls
the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Lawyer starts
screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at
the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
head in disgust:

"I can't believe how materialistic you Lawyers are," he
says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Lawyer.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was
torn off when the truck hit you."

The Lawyer looks down in absolute horror "F%#*&$G HELL!!!!!! he
screams........"Where's my Rolex ????..."

* * JUNe. .'09 JoKeS * *

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '

' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all th ose loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
* * * * * * * * *
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject oftheir physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently" she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Is that one word or two?’
* * * * * * * * *
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION

THEY HAVE IN CONGRESS,

TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask,

'Captain Cook made three trips around the world

and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a smile and a nervous laugh,

'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?

I must confess I don't know much about history.'
* * * * * * * * *
It is just before Scotland v England in the World Cup Group game.

Rooney goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What’s up?" he asks.

"Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only Scotland. They’re shite and we can’t be bothered".

Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Rooney goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Rooney 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Rooney 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".

They can’t believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down."
"Don’t be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I’ve let you down..........

>

>

I got sent off after 13 minutes.
* * * * * * * * *
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing
trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name
calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up
camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the
campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a
camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied.

"Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my
chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind
me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to
the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"
* * * * * * * * * *
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.
* * * * * * * * *
A primary school teacher asks her pupils to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his collie herding sheep it was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'.'

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the Tower of London and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so, with mounting confidence, she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so f****n' big she can only fasten eight.'
* * * * * * * * *
The Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start sniggering.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
answers,

"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe"

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says,

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting....

"Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!
* * * * * * * * *
When we were camping, I had to pay a visit to the toilet. I went into one of the cubicles, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some twat in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."
* * * * * * * * *
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was wind...........................................................



But I was wrong!"
* * * * * * * * *
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies, "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm n warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1.Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2.Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5.If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
* * * * * * * * *
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
>
>
> A US Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the Congressman turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
>
> The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
>
> 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about the banking crisis?' and he smiles.
>
> OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting and timely topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?'
>
> The Congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
>
> To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss banking when you don't know shit?
* * * * * * * * *
7 reasons not to mess with
> children.
>
> A little girl was talking
> to her teacher about whales.
>
> The teacher said it was
> physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
> though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
>
> The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
> whale.
>
> Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
> human; it was physically
> impossible.
>
> The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
>
> The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to
> hell?'
>
> The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
>
>
>
>
> A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
> of children while they were drawing. She would
> occasionally walk around to see each child's
> work.
>
> As she got to one little girl who was working
> diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
>
> The girl replied, 'I'm drawing
> God.'
>
> The teacher paused and said,
> 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
>
> Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
> replied, 'They will in a minute.'
>
>
>
> A Sunday school teacher was
> discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
>
> After explaining the commandment to 'honour'
> thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a
> commandment that teaches us how to treat our
> brothers and sisters?'
>
> Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
> answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
>
>
>
> One day a
> little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
> kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
> strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
>
> She looked at her mother and
> inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
>
> Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do
> something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one
> of my hairs turns white.'
>
> The little girl thought about this revelation for a
> while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of
> grandma's hairs are white?'
>
>
>
> The children had all been
> photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy
> a copy of the group picture.
>
> 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
> up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
> He's a doctor.'
>
> A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
> 'And there's the teacher, she's
> dead.'
>
>
>
> A teacher
> was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
> Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood
> on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would
> turn red in the face.'
>
> 'Yes,' the class
> said.
>
> 'Then why is it that while I
> am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run
> into my feet?'
>
> A little fellow
> shouted,
> 'Cause your
> feet ain't empty.'
>
>
>
> The children were lined up
> in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the
> head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note,
> and posted on the apple
> tray:
>
> 'Take only ONE . God is
> watching.'
>
> Moving further along the lunch
> line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate
> chip cookies.
>
> A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.
> God is watching the apples.'
* * * * * * * * *
BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down

next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man

on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob , saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news,

and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...
* * * * * * * * *
Changing Attitudes

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm's and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
* * * * * * * * *
Listening to the locals in a Devon village pub, I heard this and was struck by how apt the comparison was. The topic was Gordon Brown and his delusion that he was solving the economic crisis.

"Waal, you know," drawled one old farmer, "this Brown fellow is what they calls a Fencepost Hedgehog."
Not being familiar with the term, a tourist asked him what a Fencepost Hedgehog was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you comes across a fence post with a hedgehog balanced on top, that's called a Fencepost Hedgehog."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the tourist's face, so he continued to explain,
"You know he didn't get up thare by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up thare, he doesn't know what to do while he is up thare, and you just have to wonder.. what kind of fucking idiot put him up thare in the first place."
* * * * * * * * *
He was a binge drinker and his wife said. "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you". He went out to a pub, got pissed and threw up over his shirt. He moaned to his friend. "I've had my last chance, if I go home like this, my wife will leave me". His friend said. "I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill."
He goes home and his wife is furious at the state he's in and tells him, that's the end, she is leaving. He says. "No, no, no, somebody was sick over me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill". His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money, she said "There are two twenty-pound notes in there?"He said "Oh yeah the other is from the man who shat in my pants".
* * * * * * * * *
All too rarely, airline pilots and attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane".

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!".

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his aircraft into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

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