PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGES
* * JUNe. .'12 JoKeS * *
A guy goes to see his Doctor complaining that his cock is orange. The doctor looks at it and says 'Strange....Do you work with chemicals? the man replies 'no'.. 'Hmml' the doctor says 'Do you lift heavy equipment?' again the man replies 'no'...the doc asks a few more searching questions which all get a negative response.
By now, the doc is visualising an article in the Lancet... 'Well, what do you do all day?' asks the doctor... the man replies......
porn and eat wotsits'
"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!"
SHOUTS BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD!"
The little guy turns up and asks to see a top class youngster. The trainer asks whether he is interested in a Colt or Filly. 'Filly pleath.' The trainer promptly wheels out a really beautiful top class filly for the midget to see.
'Sheath lovely, can I thee her mouth pleath?' says the little chap. The trainer puts his hands under his arms and lifts him up..'Lovely mouth' says the midget. 'Can I thee her eyeth now pleath.' The trainer lifts him up again and the midget says 'gorgeouth eyeth.. can I thee her earth now'. The trainer is a bit pissed off as he could have seen the Filly's mouth, ears and eyes all in one lift. He heaves the midget up again watches him caressing the filly's ears and muttering 'lovely earth, lovely.' The trainer is pretty angry by now and puts him back on the ground. The midget looks up at him and says 'can I thee her twot? I'd love to thee her twot.
The incensed trainer shouts 'no fucking problem' grabs him under the arms and rams the midget's head right up the Filly's where the sun don't shine, then slams the spluttering midget to the ground.
Eventually, the tiny bloke gets to his feet, wipes his face and says..........
I thould rephrathe that..can I thee her wun awound a little bit pleath.'
a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her.
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
he flew off to find a new mate.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........ 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
Don't be SO disgusting!
The duck said....
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection
plate," he stated.
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one
in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'
She showed it to her husband.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
dad looked at her and said, "Well whatever you do, don't spank
man told the fairy:
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.
Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said "I want to be English with English clothes instead of the rags, and I want to look just like an Englishman.'
! - The man was transformed, wearing worn-out trainers, a dirty Man
Utd T-shirt and a greasy baseball hat. He had his bad teeth back and
the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
for a colonoscopy.
Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring
and patient manner.
the subject of Colonoscopies...
1. Take it easy Doc. Youre boldly going where no man has gone before.
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* * JUNe. .'11 JoKeS * *
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
replies, "Yes, getting herpes!"
The first went in to see the counselor, who recommended him to take history or logical thinking class.
logical thinking? the first redneck asked.
I sure do.
Then I can assume, using logical thinking, that you have a yard, replied the professor.
Thats real good! said the redneck.
The professor continued, Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.
Impressed, the redneck said, Amazing!
And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.
Thats Betty Mae! This is incredible!
The redneck was catching on.
Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual, said the professor.
Youre absolutely right! Why thats the most fascinating thing I ever heard! I cant wait to take that logical thinking class!
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
So what class are ya taking? asked the friend.
logical thinking class! replied the first redneck.
What the hell is logical thinking? asked his friend.
Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater? asked the first redneck.
No, his friend replied.
gay, aint ya?
night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already
asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.
Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, it sounds.
the little brother chimes in, Hey, would you guys stop making
sandwiches up there, youre getting mayonnaise all over my face.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe thevictim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
- A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross
off the dating pool.
It's for my husband, she tells the clerk.
Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.
you kidding? she says. He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the heck, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't,' she says.
was behind you at McDonalds.'
Only one kiss per yard, replied the male clerk with a smirk.
Thats fine, said the girl. Ill take ten yards.
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.
girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man standing beside
her, and smiled, Grandpa will pay the bill.
She said, Well Johnny, it isnt Christmas and we dont have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why dont you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead. After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).
Well, Little Johnny knew this wasnt totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.
He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.
Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small Virgin Mary one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!
The Madam is astonished. But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.
trucker replies: Listen darlin, Im not horny
Im just homesick.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
thats a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think youve ever seen a ghost? About 20 students
raise their hands.
Thats a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost? 3 students raise their hands.
Thats fantastic. But let me ask you one question further Have any of you ever made love to a ghost? One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, and says,
all the years Ive been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed
to have slept with a ghost. Youve got to come up here and tell
us about your experience. The redneck student complies with a
nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor
says, Well, tell us what its like to have sex with a ghost.
The student replies, Ghost?!? Sh**it. From baaack there it sounded
like you said goats!.
The man replies "That is impossible, I haven't been with anyone recently. I must have caught it off a toilet seat".
says, " in that case you must have been chewing it because you
have got it in your gums!!
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, My darling, I know you are very nervous and very frighten. I promise you, I will give you anything you want, I do anyting you want What you want?
I want 69 she replies.
looks at her very puzzled and says, You want
The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the towns people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch
crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming
off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying
watch, until accidentally the hypnotists fingers slipped and the
watch fell to the floor. Sh*t! the
took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.
He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"
100's of FUNNYJOKES