Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church.
The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"
the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either..."
* * * * * * *
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
* * * * * * *
Dave, an engineer, was walking on a sidewalk one afternoon when his buddy Harry, also an engineer, pulls alongside him, riding a brand-new Harley-Davidson motorcycle. "Wow," said Dave, "where'd you get that?"

Harry said, "You'll never believe this. I was walking home last night when this woman rides up to me on this Harley. She stops, gets off the bike, removes her blouse, skirt, bra, shoes, and panties, and says, 'You can have anything you want.'"

And Dave said, "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

A family Doctor got a call from a frantic woman in the middle of the night, "Doctor; come quick! My son swallows a condom". The Doctor replied, " I'll be there in few minutes"

While the doctor was getting dress, the women call again. " Doctor, you don't have to come now" The Doctor asks "Way? Did he vomit the condom out?"

"No" the woman said, " My husband found another one".
* * * * * * *
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
* * * * * * *
This little boy goes into a whore house and tells the clerk, "I want the nastiest infected bitch you got!" The clerk said well that would be betsy on the second floor, but son dont mind me for asking, why do u want to fuck her?!! Well the little boys says, " I'll fuck her and get a disease, then i'll go home and fuck my sister, and she'll fuck my dad, and he'll fuck my mom, and she'll fuck the mailman." Clerk ask why do yiu want the mail man to catch a disease? Because he's the bad ass bastard that ran over my pet frog!!!
* * * * * * *
Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date.

Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as "perfect for you".

However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive
phrases into plain English:

dandy little house keeper:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses

fine character:
She's ugly

knows how to handle money:
She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours

spotless reputation:
She's ugly

strong family ties:
She's a Mafia Princess

loves children:
She's pregnant and needs a husband

wonderful personality:
She's fat

great sense of humor:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say

the outdoor type:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys

ready to settle down:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry

likes to have a good time:
She gets drunk a lot

lots of fun at parties:
Often makes an ass of herself

mature woman:
She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five

has the appearance of a young school girl:
She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager

casual:
She dresses like a slob

decorated her own place:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty

a great dancer:
She'll wear the soles right off your shoes

not overly emotional:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day

doesn't chase men:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type

seldom dates:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something

understands men:
She's been married and divorced four times

a good sport:
She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table

looks and dresses like a model:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds

been in show business:
She's a former porn movie star

traveled a lot:
She's searched high and low for a husband

knows a lot of interesting people:
None of whom would marry her

wonderful disposition:
She's ugly
* * * * * * *
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed."Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!"

Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.

As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that dammned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.
* * * * * * *
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
* * * * * * *
A woman is walking out of a grocery store with heavy bags when a handsome young grocery clerk offers to help her carry them to her car. She thanks him and they begin walking towards her car. Suddenly, the woman is seized with a desire to have sex with the young man, so she says "I have an itchy pussy". The clerk says "Sorry ma'am, I couldn't tell one those Japanese cars apart even if my life depended on it
* * * * * * *
Poopie List

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwipped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done poopieing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, your afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.

Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.

The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!

The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
* * * * * * *
Three men in a pub, after a few drinks start talking about their wives

First one says my wife is so stupid she bought €500 of meat cause it was in a sale and she doesn't eat meat...

Second guy says my wife is worse. she spent €7000 on a new car and she can't even drive.....

The third man laughs and says - my wife is so stupid it is unbeliveable. she is going on holiday with her friends and bought 5 boxes of condoms and she doesn'e even have a PENIS!!!
* * * * * * *
what do a rubix cube and a penis have in common?
the longer you play with them, the harder they get!!!!!

A big thanks to Craig, Lyn, Robert, G.R, Bub, Chrissy, J.M, Sol, Wizzo, Bob and anons for the above funnies!!

* * JuNe '06 JoKes * *

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone.
The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"$100 For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible"
"Of course it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500? C'mon, that's ridiculous."
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs.
Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her,
and once again is not disappointed.
He nearly blacks out twice from the pleasure he receives.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street,
where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon, You can't mean that."
She nods her head.
"You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan"
* * * * * * * * *
A short and exceptionally homely man had just started putting on his underwear when his daughter opened the door and entered the room. "Mummy!" she cried, pointing to her father's extremely ample endowment. "What's that?" "Well, sweetheart," said the woman, "that's your daddy's secret attraction. If it weren't for that, you wouldn't be here." She sighs, then adds, "Come to think of it, neither would I."
* * * * * * * * *
Mexican grandfather

>>A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing
>>home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put
>>him in a Jewish home.
>>
>>After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
>>
>>"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
>>
>>"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says
>>grandpa.
>>
>>"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for
>>you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
>>
>>"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents
>>here," grandpa says with a big smile
>>
>>"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin
>>in 20 years and everyone still calls him
>>'Maestro'!"
>>
>>"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the
>>bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
>>
>>"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing
>>medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
>>
>>"And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The
>>Fucking Mexican'
* * * * * * * * *
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in" and she snaps the elastic band.
The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
* * * * * * * * *
CURSED
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
* * * * * * * * *
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said, "Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."
* * * * * * * * *
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief.
The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane.
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.
* * * * * * * * *
GOOD AND BAD
Jeff went to see his doctor. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" asked Jeff. "Your wife has syphilis," replied the doctor. "Oh, man! What could possibly be good news?" asked Jeff. The doctor said, "She didn't get it from you."
* * * * * * * * *
Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
----------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-----------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-----------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

* * * * * * * * *
TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot

* * * * * * * * *
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several priceless paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

(scroll down)

 

 

 

(brace yourself)

(this is going to hurt.)

(really bad.)

 

 

 

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
* * * * * * * * *
Retirement...
About 2 years ago some friends were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner they noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. They also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. They asked their waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back. As they left the dining room one evening they caught her eye and stopped to say hello. They chatted and they said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." They stated, "We don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home". So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama
Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing
home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at
no charge!
* * * * * * * * *
> >An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes
>>a little math test.
>>Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
>>represent the number 9."
>>"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to
>>draw three trees.
>>
>>"What's this?" the boss asks?
>>"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
>>Irishman . "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.
>>Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
>>The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
>>that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
>>
>>The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
>>represent 99?"
>>"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
>>dirty tree. Dat is 99."
>>The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
>>this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
>>but represent the number 100."
>>The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
>>again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere
>>you go. One hundred."
>>
>>The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that r
>>epresents a hundred!"
>>The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
>>tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
>>you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and
>>a turd, which makes one hundred."
>>"So, when do I start?"

* * * * * * * * *
"A helicopter pilot is flying a passenger across Seattle when he becomes hopelessly lost in a thin layer of fog. The pilot finds the nearest office building and hovers in front of it, getting the attention of workers inside. He scribbles a note on a piece of paper - 'Where am I?' and has the passenger hold it up to the helicopter's window.
Inside the building, the workers scurry about and then held up a sign, 'You are in a helicopter.'
The pilot says 'Aha!'
He turns the aircraft around and flies directly back to Seattle's airport.
'That's amazing,' says the passenger. 'How did you figure out where you were?'
'The answer they gave was completely accurate but totally useless,' answers the pilot. 'So, I realized that was the Microsoft tech support building.'"
* * * * * * * * *
Top Ten Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped...

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".

8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis
* * * * * * * * *
A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice." Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!" Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"
* * * * * * * * *
Have you ever stopped to think whether the inanimate things around us also have genders? Believe it or not, they do! Check out these things we use in our daily lives, who would have though!?!

Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons Are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A tire is male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

A hot air balloon is male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A web page is female, because it's always getting hit on.

A subway is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An hourglass is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A hammer is male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A remote control is female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps! trying!

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