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JOKE
INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY
PIC PAGE
*
* JuLy
'08
JoKes
*
*
A
woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year
old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The
little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£150'
In
the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy
- 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '£300'
Man - 'Sold.'
A
few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your
boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The
boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '£450'
The father says, 'Wow.. but that's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost new. I'm going
to take you to church and you will have to confess.'
They
go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door.
The
boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again. You're in my cupboard
now.'
*
* * * * * * * *
Chinese Sick Day
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today.
I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me
sex. That
makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say, I feel
great. I be work soon..........you got nice house.'
*
* * * * * * * *
Old Farmer
boy and his wife hardly have 2 copper coins to rub together, the farm
is just about to go under - in short they really are on their uppers...
So he says to her, groping her rather ample chests, "If we can
get these two to work and yield some milk, we can get rid of those useless
old cows in that bottom field"...
Then he starts to have a fondle down below on her and continues, "...and
if we can get this to work and lay some eggs, we can get rid of those
old hens which don't seem to be producing any more".
The farmer's wife then turns round to him, grabs hold of his private
parts, and retorts, "Yes, and if we can get that bloody thing to
work properly, we can get rid of your brother!!!".
*
* * * * * * * *
An Irishman
was in the dock accused of selling illegal home distilled Irish Whiskey
( Po-teen ). His Barrister was winding up the defence and said. "
In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you to take a
final long hard look at my client. I would then remind you that he has
been charged with the offence of selling illegally distilled whiskey.
I now ask you, can you seriously imagine, even for a single moment,
that if this man possessed any alcohol whatsoever....he would sell it
? "
*
* * * * * * * *
Gotta
pee...
Two
women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful
and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.
Incredibly
drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them.
Her
friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did
not want to ruin them.
She
was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with
a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After
the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The
next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's
nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck
to her ass that said.....
'From
all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!'
*
* * * * * * * *
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of
a small cave.
'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!'
he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The
Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian
what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The
Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season
when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
If they get an answer back,
it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just
then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave,
stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He
also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The
Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while,
and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening,
he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He
stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face,
he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
NAKED
IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
*
* * * * * * * *
Handle every stressful situation like your a dog.
If you can't eat it or screw it... Piss on it and walk away
*
* * * * * * * *
An old, Partially blind cowboy wanders
into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool
and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that
you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?'
The old cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
*
* * * * * * * *
HISTORY MYSTERY
Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.
Abraham
Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham
Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both
were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both
Presidents were shot on a Friday .
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Now
it gets really weird.
Lincoln
's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
Both
were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew
Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John
Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
John
Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both
assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now
hang on to your seat.
Lincoln
was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln
was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a
theater.
Booth
and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And
here's the kicker...
A
week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy
huh? bit of history
*
* * * * * * * *
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour ...
Who volunteers for this stuff ???
*
* * * * * * * *
The Erectus Trouserius or the 'Trouser Snake' is the worlds most dangerous
snake.
Colour varies from pink to black.
Its fangless, average length, 5-9 inches, depending on sub species and
honesty of its owner.
It appears in bedrooms, but can be found in unusual places at times.
Attacks women in the mouth or lower abdominal area, and its highly venomous
spit can cause swelling lasting 9 months.
Some are also known to attack men from behind...
*
* * * * * * * *
All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
and...........
Just
remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.
The
universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.
*
* * * * * * * *
A very attractive young woman was seated in top class restaurant waiting
for her new boyfriend. Wanting to make sure that she was looking her
very best for him she checked her appearance in her vanity mirror. Just
at that moment she spotted him following the Maitre d', heading towards
her table. Quickly bending down, she returned the mirror to her handbag
on the floor and at the same time, accidentally ripped off a thunderous
fart. Red faced with embarrassment, she said loudly to the Maitre d'.
" Please stop that ! "
He replied, equally loudly, in polished tones. " Certainly Madam,
which way did it go ? "
*
* * * * * * * *
A wealthy English businessman had concluded a deal in Dublin and was
having a night out with a group of Irish who he had done the deal with.
They finished up in a small but very busy typical Irish Pub. The English
guy gets the Landlord to call for quiet and shouts. " I understand
that you wonderful Irish guys are great drinkers and if any one of you
can line up ten pints of Guinness and drink them all, one after the
other, I will give him five hundred English Pounds and pay for the drinks.
If, on the other hand, he fails to drink them all, he will pay for the
Guinness, and buy my friends a drink as well
Everyone was completely silent...one man actually left the Pub. The
English guy says. " No takers ? fair enough, good luck to everyone..the
drinks are on me." Just at that moment, the guy who had left earlier
returned and said. " Does the bet still
stand ? " The Englishman, a little surprised, said. " Certainly,
the Landlord can hold the five hundred. "
The ten pints of Guinness were duly lined up on the bar, amid great
excitement and the challenge started.
The Irishman steadily downed one pint after another. When he got to
the last pint of Guinness, the place was in an uproar and the crowd
were cheering their man as if he was on the final lap of the London
Marathon. He didn't let them down, calmly downing the tenth pint without
pause, never spilling a drop.
Everyone was clapping and slapping him on the back and the astounded
English guy congratulated him and then asked him why he had left the
Pub earlier.
The Irishman says. " Well, I'd never tried it before...so I had
to pop in the Pub down the road first, to make sure I could do it. "
A
Doctor had to carry out a psychiatric test on three old men in a nursing
home. He asked the first. " If I multiply three by three, what
is the answer ? " The old man said. "Three hundred. "
The Doc asked the next old fellow the same question and the answer was.
" Tuesday. "
Without expecting a sensible reply, the Doc asked the third old guy
the same question. " Can you tell me what three times three comes
to ? " The old man replied. " Nine. " The doc was really
pleased and said. " Correct, How did you work it out ? "
He got the reply. " Easy, I just took three hundred from Tuesday.
"
*
* * * * * * * *
The
ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
From drinking little bottles of ... ??? and did the government pay for
this research???
*
* * * * * * * *
They
always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you
have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is
embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I
know
most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled
it.
CJ
walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The
Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's
something wrong with my dick', CJ replied.
The
receptionist became irritated and said, 'Y ou shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why
not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' CJ said.
The
Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your
ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private.'
CJ,
'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if
the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several
minutes and then re-entered.
The
Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's
something wrong with my ear',CJ stated.
The
Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'
'I
can't piss out of it,' CJ replied.
The
waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess
with seniors and you're gonna lose !!!
*
* * * * * * * *
And lastly .. Like so many people I know .. Starfish
don't have brains either!!!
*
* JuLy
'07
JoKes
*
*
Two
fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bugger"
*
* * * * * * * *
Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].
If
parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place
with all those lines crashing together!
Maths
Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?
Zenophobia:
the irrational fear of convergent sequences.
Philosophy
is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules
and no objectives.
If
I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class:
it would seem so much longer.
*
* * * * * * * *
Many
years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.
* * * * * * * * *
A
great fruit cake recipie
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large
eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon
of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample
the whisky to check for quality.
Take
a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat
one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar
and beat again.
Make
sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry
it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample
the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or
something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and
strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever
you can find.
Grease
the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off
the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again
and go to bed.
* * * * * * * *
*
"You know, somebody
actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note
on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
* * * * * * * *
*
Young
School Children Writing About The Sea
1) This is a picture of an
octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)
2)
Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)
3)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island
If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne age 7)
4)
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)
5)
A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)
6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
7)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans.
(William age 7)
8)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)
9)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)
10)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
* * * * *
* * * *
Two blondes walk into a building...
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
* * * * * * * *
*
A woman is walking out of
a grocery store with heavy bags when a handsome young grocery clerk
offers to help her carry them to her car.
She thanks him and they begin walking towards her car.
Suddenly, the woman is seized with a desire to have sex with the young
man, so she says "I have an itchy pussy".
The clerk says "Sorry ma'am, I couldn't tell one those Japanese
cars apart even if my life depended on it
*
* * * * * * * *
A guy walks into the psychiatrist
wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
* * * * *
* * * *
The Top Twenty
Flight Advertising Slogans
1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
2.
BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.
3.
Join our frequent near-miss program.
4.
On flights, every section is a smoking section.
5.
Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6.
Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.
7.
Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
8.
Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9.
Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10.
The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11.
If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!
12.
Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13.
Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14.
BadAir: We may be landing on your street.
15.
BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16.
Bring a bathing suit.
17.
Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We
try to get as close as possible for the best view.
18.
That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
19.
Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.
20.
BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.
*
* * * * * * * *
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it.
*
* * * * * * * *
These are
supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across
the United States and rest of the world.
Sign
in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll
find they are best in the long run."
Sign
from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS
AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself."
Two
signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking."
"Here speeching American."
Sign
at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have
any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
* * * * *
* * * *
What
is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
*
* * * * * * * *
Southern
(Southspeak) to English dictionary:
HEIDI
(noun) Greeting.
HIRE YEW (noun with verb) Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage Heidi, hire yew?
BARD (verb) Past tense of the infinitive to borrow.
Usage My brother bard my pickup truck.
JAWJUH (noun) The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.
BAMMER (noun) The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage A tornader jes went through Bammer an left $20,000,000
in improvements.
MUNTS (noun) A calendar division.
Usage My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint
herd from him in munts.
THANK (verb) Cognitive process.
Usage Ah thank ahll have a bare.
BARE (noun) An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops and yeast.
Usage Ah thank ahll have a bare.
IGNERT (adjective) Not smart. See Arkansas native.
Usage Them bammer boys sure are ignert!
RANCH (noun) A tool used for tightnin bolts.
Usage I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck
my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.
ALL (noun) A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup
truck.
FAR (noun) A conflagration.
Usage If my brother from Jawjuh dont change the all in my
pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.
TAR (noun) A rubber wheel.
Usage Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh dont
git a flat tar in my pickup truck.
TIRE (noun) A tall monument.
Usage Lord willin and the creek dont rise, I sure
do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in
Paris sometime.
RETARRED (verb) To stop working.
Usage My grampaw retarred at age 65.
FAT (noun, verb) A battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage You younguns keep fatn, n ahm gonna whup
yuh.
RATS (noun) Entitled power or privilege.
Usage We Southerners are willin to fat for are rats.
CHEER (adverb) In this place.
Usage Just set that bare rat cheer.
FARN (adjective) Not domestic.
Usage I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed. Must be from some farn
country.
DID (adjective) Not alive.
Usage Hes did, Jim.
ARE (noun) A colorless, odorless gas. i.e., oxygen.
Usage He cant breathe. Give IM some ARE!
BOB WAR (noun) A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.
JEW HERE (noun and verb) Contraction.
Usage Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that
bob war fence cumpny?
HAZE. (noun and verb) Contraction.
Usage Is Bubba smart? Nah
haze ignert. He aint
thanked but a minnitn is laf.
SEED (verb) Past tense of to see.
Usage I aint never seed
New York City. VIEW (pronoun and verb) Contraction Usage
I aint never seed
New York City. View?
GUBMINT (noun) A bureaucratic institution.
Usage Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.
* * * * *
* * * *
A
man is driving down a road.
A
woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As
they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and
yells, "PIG!"
The
man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!"
They
each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he
crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
Moral
of the story: If only men would listen...
*
* JuLy
'06 JoKes
*
*
A man is driving
down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the
corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST.
FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without
second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he
begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives
past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On
the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign
next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a
nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you,
my son?"
He answers,
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly
doing business."
"Very well,
my son," she said. Please follow me."
The man is led
through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun
stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this
door."!
He does as he
is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup,
then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway and
pull the door closed behind you." He gets $100 out of his wallet
and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly
down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS !
*
* * * * * *
>> Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but
she
>>belonged to someone else...
>>
>> One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and
said
>>I'll give you a $200 if you let me have you....but the girl
said NO.
>>
>> Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor,
you
>>bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She
>>thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult
her
>>boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend d and told him the
story.
>>
>> Her boyfriend says ask him for $400, pick up the money very
>>fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
>>
>> So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes
by and
>>the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally
after
>>45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?
>>
>> She said "The bastard used quarters"
*
* * * * * *
PHARMACEUTICAL NEWS
Just to keep
you up to date. Aff. V
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name
of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been
looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration
by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has
settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp.
announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form,
and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,
and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs"
and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the
day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra
today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
*
* * * * * *
Delia's way vs. the real woman's way.
>
> Delia's Way
> Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice
> cream drips.
> The Real Woman's Way
> Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
> for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your
feet up
> eating
> it anyway.
>
> Delia's Way
> To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the
> potatoes.
> The Real Woman's Way
> Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
>
> Delia's Way
> When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit
of the dry
> cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside
of the
> cake.
> The Real Woman's Way
> Tescos' sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
>
> Delia's Way
> If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
> cooking, drop in a potato slice.
> The Real Woman's Way
> If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's
> tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I
made it and you
> will
> eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
>
> Delia's Way
> Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator
and it will
> keep for weeks.
> The Real Woman's Way
> It could keep forever. Who eats it?
>
> Delia's Way
> Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your
> forehead.
> The throbbing will go away.
> The Real Woman's Way
> Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in
8 ounces of
> vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but
you wont
> care?
>
> Delia's Way
> If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing
gloves.
> They
> give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
> The Real Woman's Way
> Why do I have a man?
>
> Finally the most important tip
>
> Delia's Way
> Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
> The Real Woman's Way
> Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!!
*
* * * * * *
As I mature....
>
>As I mature I've learned that you cannot make
>someone love you. All you can do is
>stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
>
>I've learned that no matter how much I care,
>some people are just assholes.
>
>I've learned that it takes years
>to build up trust, and it only takes
>suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
>
>I've learned that you can get by
>on charm for about fifteen minutes.
>After that,
>you'd better have a big willy
>or huge boobs.
>
>I've learned that you shouldn't
>compare yourself to others - they are
>more screwed up than you think.
>
>I've learned that you can keep vomiting
>long after you think you're finished.
>
>I've learned that we are responsible
>for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
>
>I've learned that regardless of
>how hot and steamy a relationship is at
>first, the passion fades, and there had better
>be a lot of money to take its place!
>
>I've learned that 99% of the time when
>something isn't working in your house, one
>of your kids did it
>
>I've learned that the people you care most
>about in life are taken from you too soon
>and all the less important ones just never go away.
* * * * * * *
>The Rooster
Jigsaw
>
>A beautiful blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please
come over
>here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure
>out how to get started.
>
>Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"
>
>The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's
a Rooster."
>
>Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
>
>She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread
all
>over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks
at the
>box, then turns to her and says,
>
>"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to
>assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Rooster."
>
>He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.
>
>Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....", he said with
a deep sigh,
>
>.
>
>.
>
>.
>
>.
>
>.
>
>"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
*
* * * * * *
The little church
in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply
dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I'll
tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered
some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive
them yet?" "Oh, we received them all right," replied
Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us some golf pencils...each
stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
*
* * * * * *
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.45 volumes.Excellent
condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.No longer needed.(Got married last
weekend, wife knows everything).
Your village just called ~ there idiot is missing
Why did GOD creat
eve?! cause when he made adam he scratched himself on the head and
said to himself "i can do better than that"
* * * * * * *
There were two nuns...
One of them was
known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other
one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting
dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you
noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical.
He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At
this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only
logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not
working.
SL: Of course
it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what
shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only
logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided
to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical
arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical
arrives.
SM: Sister Logical!
Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only
logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes!
But what happened then?
SL: The only
logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only
logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear!
What did you do?
SL: The only
logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister!
What did the man do?
SL: The only
logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What
happened then?
SL: Isn't it
logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down
.
* * * * * * *
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law, But Aren't
10. Have you
looked through her briefs?
9. He's one hard
judge!
8. Counselor,
let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney
withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal
offense?
5. Better leave
the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an
hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get
him to drop his suit?
2. The judge
gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you
can get me off?
*
* * * * * *
ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS RECORDED
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're
finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you
are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry,
I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave
a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office
and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave
your name and number and they will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your
reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes
doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly.
So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get
back to you.
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