VERY FUNNY JOKES July 2009

A PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGE
. . . ENJOY!

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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * JuLy '09JoKes * *

A Missouri Sheriff
A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO
And talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect
Your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Sheriif verbally explodes saying,
'Mister, I have the authority of the
Sheriffs Department with me.' Reaching
Into his rear pant pocket and
Removing his badge. The officer proudly
Displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means
I am allowed to go wherever
I wish..on any land. No questions asked
Or answers given.
Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and
Goes about his chores.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams
And spies the Sheriff running for
His life and close behind is the farmer's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground
On the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.
The old farmer immediately throws down
His tools, runs to the fence and yells
At the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge!
Show him your badge Smartass!
* * * * * * * * * *
Divorce VS Murder -- priceless
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some
cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'What?!? I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
* * * * * * * * * *
Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said
Alastair, I have a great idea! we are going to go all out to win back
all of the labour voters we have lost to the tories.
Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.
Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long barbour
coats, some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in
something or other, & we'll show we really enjoy the countryside,
but be sure to remember not to mention the Hunting with dogs Act'
Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out & with the requisite labrador at heel, they set off from 10 Downing St.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for &
found a lovely country pub & with the dog, went up to the bar.
Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood
please' said Brown, good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, two pints of best is coming up'
Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes,
nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog
lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were cold and hungry, sadly neglected and were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a
grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the
labrador lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders &
walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another
wizened old farmer who followed the same procedure.
To the bewilderment of Brown & Darling people of all ages & gender
followed suit over the next hour.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over and said tell me Why did all those people come in & look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old Custom?
Good Lord no,' said the landlord.
'It's just that someone has told them that there was a labrador in this bar with two arseholes'.

* * * * * * * * * *
I can't stand women who scream during sex. Take the other night, she was getting a right shagging
when she suddenly looked straight into my eyes and started screaming her head off.
For f***s sake, as if it wasn't difficult enough..hanging on to a drainpipe, with one hand, three f****n' floors up, whilst trying to have a wank with the other, I nearly fell off. Downright rude of her I say.
PS.
I also find it rude when deaf people talk with food in their hands.
* * * * * * * * * *
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better And takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, Opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?' Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?' 'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.
* * * * * * * * * *
Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Walmart.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the
lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are
hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes
on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with
a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the
middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to
Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you
just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you
went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You
married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb
your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your
favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is
the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the
hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash
your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want
to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and
do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register
is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new
sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that
shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register
smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you
remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I
Got Worms .'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off
your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope
you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl
running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you
are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The
young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her
grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to
think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone
called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you
at the front door.
* * * * * * * * * *
*LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* ...
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."
* * * * * * * * * *
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Artery.......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium........................... What doctors do when patients die.
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section........A neighbourhood in Rome ..
Catscan......................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize........................ Made eye contact with her.
Colic........................... A sheep dog.
Coma............................ A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema............................ Not a friend.
Fester........................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................... A small lie.
Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...................... A Doctor's cane.
Morbid............................ A higher offer.
Nitrates........................ Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it.
Outpatient...................... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.................. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.......................... Nearly killed him.
Secretion...................... Hiding something.
Seizure......................... Roman emperor.
Tablet........................... A small table.
Terminal Illness................ Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour..........................One plus one more.
Urine........................... Opposite of you're out.
* * * * * * * * * *
INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support ,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
* * * * * * * * * *
DEAR DESPERATE ,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta .
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7..
Good Luck!
Tech Support
* * * * * * * * * *
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole, and as he did a loud voice said,
"There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's
no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

* * * * * * * * * *
Wine and Water
To my friend who enjoys a glass of wine..and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E.. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when
drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health .
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service
* * * * * * * * * *
Gordon V Little Johnny
Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and dropped in to one of the classrooms. The teacher and kids were discussing words and their meanings. The teacher asked the PM to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
Gordon asked the kids if any knew the meaning of tragedy and to give an example.
A boy held up his hand. "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, was run over by his dad driving the tractor. That would be a tragedy."
"No, that would be an accident." Gordon explained.
A small girl stood up and offered. "If a school bus carrying fifty
· children went over a cliff and everyone was killed." That would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not". Said Mr Big, that is what would be called a great loss."
The kids went quiet and started to shuffle about.
Gordon looked around the classroom. "Anyone else? have a shot at it..just say what you think an example of tragedy might be."
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his arm.
"If a plane carryin' you an' Mr Darlin' was to be hit by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens. THAT would be a tragedy."
"Excellent!" Gordon exclaimed. "And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
Little Johnny replied. "Well it has to be a tragedy, because, it definitely wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fuckin' accident, either!"
* * * * * * * * * *
The Lone Ranger's
Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...
"In honour of the Full Moon,
YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request ???'
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse.."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed..
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request ???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to
him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, more attractive
than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .. alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the
Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen Very Carefully
FOR... THE... LAST...F****N'... TIME.
I SAID ...
"BRING POSSE"
* * * * * * * * * *
I've often been asked,
'What do you do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and scotch into urine."
* * * * * * * * * *
California 159 years ago
Do you know what happened back in 1850, 159 years ago?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today, except the
women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
* * * * * * * * * *
Gordon Brown is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain O the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Brown is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
The PM is even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awasae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Brown turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
* * * * * * * * * *
TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new Husband
and asked for $20..00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day,
she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer
was going through a process of corporate downsizing,
and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,
and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty years of steady deposits
and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than
three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut.
* * * * * * * * * *
HAUNTED STREETS OF IRELAND
1. The Dublin Ghost
> This story happened a while ago in Dublin and even though it sounds
> like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
>
> John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
> hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
>
> The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
> could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come
> towards him slowly and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without
> thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door - only to
> realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
>
> The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
> curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
> Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
> window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as
> the hand repeatedly came through the window, but it never touched or
> harmed him.
> Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
> so, gathering strength, he jumped
> out of the car and ran to it. Wet and
> out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
> horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when
> everybody realised he was crying and wasn't drunk.
>
> Suddenly, the door opened and two other people walked in from the
> stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
> Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
> the other...
>
> "Look, Paddy... there's that f...ing idiot that got in the car while we
> were pushing it!"
* * * * * * * * * *
THE VIBRATOR
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing? '
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old,unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty- five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone..'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the hell you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.

* * JuLy '08JoKes * *

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bugger"

* * * * * * * * *
Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

* * * * * * * * *
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

* * * * * * * * *
A great fruit cake recipie

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

* * * * * * * * *
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

* * * * * * * * *
Young School Children Writing About The Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island
If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans.
(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

* * * * * * * * *
Two blondes walk into a building...
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

* * * * * * * * *
A woman is walking out of a grocery store with heavy bags when a handsome young grocery clerk offers to help her carry them to her car.
She thanks him and they begin walking towards her car.
Suddenly, the woman is seized with a desire to have sex with the young man, so she says "I have an itchy pussy".
The clerk says "Sorry ma'am, I couldn't tell one those Japanese cars apart even if my life depended on it

* * * * * * * * *
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

* * * * * * * * *
The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans

1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

* * * * * * * * *
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

* * * * * * * * *
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."

Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

* * * * * * * * *
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

* * * * * * * * *
Southern (Southspeak) to English dictionary:

HEIDI (noun) — Greeting.
HIRE YEW (noun with verb) — Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage “Heidi, hire yew?”

BARD (verb) — Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH (noun) — The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER (noun) — The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”

MUNTS (noun) — A calendar division.
Usage “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK (verb) — Cognitive process.
Usage “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

BARE (noun) — An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops and yeast.
Usage “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT (adjective) — Not smart. See “ Arkansas native.”
Usage “Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH (noun) — A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL (noun) — A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR (noun) — A conflagration.
Usage “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR (noun) — A rubber wheel.
Usage “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE (noun) — A tall monument.
Usage “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in
Paris sometime.”

RETARRED (verb) — To stop working.
Usage “My grampaw retarred at age 65.”

FAT (noun, verb) — A battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS (noun) — Entitled power or privilege.
Usage “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

CHEER (adverb) — In this place.
Usage “Just set that bare rat cheer.”

FARN (adjective) — Not domestic.
Usage “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed. Must be from some farn country.”

DID (adjective) — Not alive.
Usage “He’s did, Jim.”

ARE (noun) — A colorless, odorless gas. i.e., oxygen.
Usage “He can’t breathe. Give ‘IM some ARE!”

BOB WAR (noun) — A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE (noun and verb) — Contraction.
Usage “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE. (noun and verb) — Contraction.
Usage “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n is laf.”

SEED (verb) — Past tense of “to see.”
Usage “I ain’t never seed

New York City.” VIEW (pronoun and verb) — Contraction Usage “I ain’t never seed
New York City. View?”

GUBMINT (noun) — A bureaucratic institution.
Usage “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.”

* * * * * * * * *

A man is driving down a road.

A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and
yells, "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

Moral of the story: If only men would listen...

* * JuLy '07 JoKes * *

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son," she said. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."!

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway and pull the door closed behind you." He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS !

* * * * * * *
>> Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she
>>belonged to someone else...
>>
>> One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said
>>I'll give you a $200 if you let me have you....but the girl said NO.
>>
>> Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you
>>bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She
>>thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
>>boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend d and told him the story.
>>
>> Her boyfriend says ask him for $400, pick up the money very
>>fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
>>
>> So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and
>>the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after
>>45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?
>>
>> She said "The bastard used quarters"

* * * * * * *
PHARMACEUTICAL NEWS

Just to keep you up to date. Aff. V

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

* * * * * * *
Delia's way vs. the real woman's way.
>
> Delia's Way
> Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
> cream drips.
> The Real Woman's Way
> Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
> for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up
> eating
> it anyway.
>
> Delia's Way
> To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
> potatoes.
> The Real Woman's Way
> Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
>
> Delia's Way
> When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry
> cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the
> cake.
> The Real Woman's Way
> Tescos' sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
>
> Delia's Way
> If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
> cooking, drop in a potato slice.
> The Real Woman's Way
> If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's
> tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you
> will
> eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
>
> Delia's Way
> Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
> keep for weeks.
> The Real Woman's Way
> It could keep forever. Who eats it?
>
> Delia's Way
> Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
> forehead.
> The throbbing will go away.
> The Real Woman's Way
> Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of
> vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont
> care?
>
> Delia's Way
> If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
> They
> give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
> The Real Woman's Way
> Why do I have a man?
>
> Finally the most important tip
>
> Delia's Way
> Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
> The Real Woman's Way
> Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!!

* * * * * * *

As I mature....
>
>As I mature I've learned that you cannot make
>someone love you. All you can do is
>stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
>
>I've learned that no matter how much I care,
>some people are just assholes.
>
>I've learned that it takes years
>to build up trust, and it only takes
>suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
>
>I've learned that you can get by
>on charm for about fifteen minutes.
>After that,
>you'd better have a big willy
>or huge boobs.
>
>I've learned that you shouldn't
>compare yourself to others - they are
>more screwed up than you think.
>
>I've learned that you can keep vomiting
>long after you think you're finished.
>
>I've learned that we are responsible
>for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
>
>I've learned that regardless of
>how hot and steamy a relationship is at
>first, the passion fades, and there had better
>be a lot of money to take its place!
>
>I've learned that 99% of the time when
>something isn't working in your house, one
>of your kids did it
>
>I've learned that the people you care most
>about in life are taken from you too soon
>and all the less important ones just never go away.

* * * * * * *

>The Rooster Jigsaw
>
>A beautiful blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
>here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure
>out how to get started.
>
>Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
>
>The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Rooster."
>
>Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
>
>She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all
>over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
>box, then turns to her and says,
>
>"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
>assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Rooster."
>
>He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.
>
>Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....", he said with a deep sigh,
>
>.
>
>.
>
>.
>
>.
>
>.
>
>"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

* * * * * * *

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." "Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?" "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

* * * * * * *
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.45 volumes.Excellent
condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.No longer needed.(Got married last
weekend, wife knows everything).

Your village just called ~ there idiot is missing

Why did GOD creat eve?! cause when he made adam he scratched himself on the head and said to himself "i can do better than that"

* * * * * * *
There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down .

* * * * * * *
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law, But Aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He's one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?

* * * * * * *
ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS RECORDED
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

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