A PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGE
. . . ENJOY!
* * JuLy '13. JoKes * *
man arrived at a party halfway through the evening to find most of the
guests in the middle of a frenzied party game.Whats going on here he
asked? Oh come and join in he was urged, Its a great game.All the girls
are blinfolded and they have to go round guessing who the men are by
feeling their private bits. The man hestitated..Oh Im not sure about
that he said. Dont be daft came the reply your names been called out
four times already
"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start sniggering.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?
Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe"
time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
The Pope, really confused by the questions says,
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"
Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.
Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"
yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . "Their sign pertains to religion.'
The following day the same police officer noticed the same two ho's driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. (I love instant resolution.)
And now, the Honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved. Duh, idiots.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. Anger management anyone?
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. (The bus driver was probably shot, all for a drink)
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. Justice is the best teacher.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?] no comment needed .
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. Stupid is as stupid does.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, ?Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." Love honesty, dont you?
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the
clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman
walked away. Dumb and dumber.
THINGY (thing-ee) noun
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adjective
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) noun
COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) noun
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) noun
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) noun
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) noun
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) noun
said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
said - Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
said - Why are married women heavier than single women?
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
you start that shit in here," the priest says!
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm...
his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
woman apologised and explained, "We didn't have this green thing
back in my days."
cashier responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did
then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the
Finally, he approaches counter and speaks to the woman there.
"Um, could I speak to the pharmacist, please?"
"I am the pharmacist, sir. Can I help you?"
"Well, please don't take offense, but is there a male pharmacist I could speak to?"
"I'm sorry, sir, that's not possible. My sister and I are the owners and the only employees. Are you sure I can't help you, sir? I assure you of my complete discretion."
The man takes a deep breath, stutters and finally says, "I have these erections that last for four or five hours at a time. What can you give me for it?"
she frowns, "Let me go talk to my sister, sir," ad disappears
into the back. In a minute or so she returns. "Sir," she says,
"my sister and I talked it over and I'm afraid the best we can
do is $50,000 and a third of the store."
me, but are you in pain?"
KIDS - THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
You spend the first two years of their life
Grandchildren are God's reward
We childproofed our homes,
The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel so much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod
how was your day?
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.
. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night.
1. She's the only one who knows where the selotape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mum like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least 8000 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mum didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between mums and dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back
of her head.
phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd
said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gob stoppers, Sherbert, Bubble Gum and some bungers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our soap box carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at
all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears! We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...
We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays, we rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet! FOOTBALL and CRICKET had try outs and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT . Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade'
and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son being here is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
lounge , Norway :
office, Rome :
cleaners, Bangkok :
a Nairobi restaurant:
the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi :
a poster at Kenya:
a City restaurant:
hotel's rules and regulations:
the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
, Yugoslavia :
, Japan :
the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
for donkey rides, Thailand :
ticket office, Copenhagen :
laundry in Rome :
finally, a sign in in an Alabama Motel:
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of the Ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
The manager says,"Ok, there's a .303 Rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the Bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".
"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.
boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the
right-front wheel arch."
16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey shit.'
6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
wet towel on bed.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is BOB. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Elaine to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.