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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * JuLy '16. JoKes * *

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How the hell can you breathe through something that tiny?
* * * * * * *
A Girl is siting on a park bench.
Beggar: "Hi sweetheart".
She angrily: "How dare you call me sweetheart?"
Beggar: Then what the hell are you doing on my bed.
* * * * * * *
Emma didn't get very much sleep last night so she kept falling asleep at Sunday school. While she was sleeping, her teacher decided to ask her a question, "Who created the universe?"

The boy sitting next to her, Joey, poked her with his pencil to help her our. She jumped up and yelled, "God!"

The teacher told her, "Good job!" and continued with the lesson.

Soon after the teacher asked Emma another question, "Who died for our sins?"

Again she is sleeping so Joey pokes her. She wakes up and yells, "Jesus Christ!"

The teacher praises her again and continues.

Not much time passes and the teacher asks Emma, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"

Joey pokes her and she yells, "If you put that thing near me again, I'll snap it in half and shove it up your ass!"
* * * * * * *

What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head!
* * * * * * *
A lady telephoned Sean O'Malley, a plumber by profession, with
an Emergency in Her Bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned
off the water with a sigh, and replaced the faucet washer,
ending the Emergency. The lady was nice-looking, and lonely to
boot, so before long Sean was helping her to heat up the
bedroom. About four-thirty, the telephone rang, and after she
hung up, the lady told Sean "That was my husband. He'll be
home in about half an hour, but he'll be leaving on a business
trip to Chicago this evening at seven. Why don't you come back
at about 7:30, and we'll continue where we left off?"
"What!" exclaimed Sean, "on me own time?"
* * * * * * *
A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a
convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat
down at a table with some of his brethren. Immediately
one of the other salesmen accosted him: "Hey Bill! We
were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody
was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now,
you son-of-a-bitch, you win the all-expense-paid trip to
Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much
as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the
hell do you do it?" Bill replied, "Its easy! I take a big
engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dogshit.
Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery
stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper
rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table
on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve
samples on cocktail wafers to all who pass by. As soon
as someone takes a bite they usually say 'Jesus Christ!!
This stuff tastes like SHIT!!' I reply 'Yessir! EXACTLY
what it is! Would you care to buy a toothbrush?' "
* * * * * * *
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

* * * * * * *
Two teachers are talking in the hallway.
"I hear you're teaching Ivanhoe this term in English class"
"Yes, They weren't allowed to teach that book when I was in school"
"Why not?"
"Too much Saxon Violence"

* * * * * * *
Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"

The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."

There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on "Okay, what now?"
* * * * * * *
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.

* * * * * * *
Little Tommy asks his mom if he can have some animal crackers.
His mom gives him a box of crackers and tells him he can have a few.
His mom leaves and comes back in a few minutes finding all of the crackers on the floor with Tommy looking through them.
His mother asks "What are you doing Tommy?"
Tommy replies "It said don't eat if the seal was already broken.
But I can't find a seal!"
* * * * * * *
A blonde, brunette, and red head are waiting in front of the pearly gates when God comes out to greet them "Usually I wouldn't let any of you girls in, but I'm having a good day. I'll give you all a deal. If you can climb my 1000 stair staircase and listen to a joke at each step without laughing I'll let you in." They all agree.
The brunette loses at the 100th step. The red head loses at the 500th step. The blonde makes it to the 999th step and begins to laugh historically. God asks her "You were so close, why did you laugh?"
She replies "I just got the first one."
* * * * * * *
A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech; the driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium.
The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his question for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says "That question is so simple I'll let my driver in the back answer it."
* * * * * * *
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters?
Short
* * * * * * *
A man was visiting London zoo. In the elephant house, he finds
the biggest elephant he has ever seen, it is enormous, almost
blocking out the light. Just before leaving the zoo, he decides
to take one more look at the mighty creature, but instead finds
a sign saying the famous elephant has just died. There is a young
keeper sitting and weeping near the sign. "You must be very
distressed" says the man "where you very close to the magnificent
creature?" "Not really" sobs the lad. "I have been told it is my
job to bury it!"

* * * * * * *
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.

Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
* * * * * * *
Why is a condom like a Kodak print?
They both capture that special moment.
* * * * * * *
A police officer pulls over a car full of old women. He says "Mam, you realize you can't drive that slow on the highway. It's dangerous."

She responds "Isn't the speed limit 33?"

Laughing the cop says "No ma-am, this is highway 33. That's not the speed limit." He looks into the back of the car and sees the women are so frightened. He asks "What's wrong with them?"

The lady says "I don't know. We just came off of Highway 144."
* * * * * * *

A pastor is standing before his congregation, "It has come to my attention that somebody has been telling lies about me. Somebody has been saying I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. This is simply not true! Who has been telling this lie?"

Everybody is silent for a while. He speaks again, "Come on now, face your sins so you can be forgiven!"

Suddenly a drop dead gorgeous blonde rises and says, "I think I have been misunderstood. I've been telling people that you are a wizard in the sheets."
* * * * * * *

What does WIFE stand for?
Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

*
*
JuLy '15. JoKes * *

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy
territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer
from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers
went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G
string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went
on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down
for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The
Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof
down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer
comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping
this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor
boys to clap with one hand?"

* * * * * * * * *
Just a thought for all the women out there.
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)

* * * * * * * * *
Guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the
air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished
a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just
wanted to ask you something."

Taxi driver says "Not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab
driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

* * * * * * * * *
A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a naked woman on his back.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.

"I'm a snail," the man replied.

"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle."

* * * * * * * * *
"TIPS FOR THE WOMAN WHO HATE HOUSEWORK...."

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers.

2. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, What? And spoil the mood?"

5. Claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO
expensive".

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on
the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to
scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall
with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a
glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that
unspeakable accident...I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10.Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of
water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in
conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto
the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..." ):


* * * * * * * * *
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunk rreplies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

* * * * * * * * *
A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"

* * * * * * * * *
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at
the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed
at your dick' cards?"

* * * * * * * * *
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which
showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story
it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms.
Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" Oh, that's Pontius --
the Pilot!"

* * * * * * * * *
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

* * * * * * * * *
"ADVICE FOR WOMEN...."

1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that
you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to
make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes,
it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

* * * * * * * * *
On this morning a woman and her baby was taking public
transportation. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow
that is one ugly baby."
The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a
seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you
look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a
public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would
take down his badge number and report him." You're right sir I
think I will report him.
The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge
number and I'll hold your monkey for you

* * * * * * * * *
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them:
"It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four" replies Paddy.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile,"
the Englishmen
retorts disbelievingly.

"Look at the owners manual:
this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me" replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor
over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat
Uno....

* * * * * * * * *
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar
who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant told him.
"No, no, no!" replied the man. "I want to know how he got into the
house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

* * * * * * * * *
An old hearing-impaired gentleman was visiting his doctor. The
doctor just informed him warned to be careful, as he had a heart
murmur.

The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow
out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took
him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?!"
he inquired.

"Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied. "Best dang advice I ever
had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I'm cheerful!"


* * * * * * * * *
Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of
Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a
heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their
evidence.............

* * * * * * * * *
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he
was God.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures.

But perhaps the most compelling evidence that JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who
JUST DIDN'T GET IT!
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more
work for him to do.

* * * * * * * * *
A husband and wife were checking in to a small motel.
The wife mentions that they are on their honeymoon.
"Oh how nice -- would you like to rent the bridal?"
"Nah, we won't need it," the husband answers. "I'll just hold
her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."

* * * * * * * * *
A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital
when he comes upon a guy with the worst case on sunburn he has ever seen.
The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony.
He says to the doctor
"is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"
So the doctor says
"yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".
"Viagra" says the poor guy,
" how will that help my sunburn?".
"It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor,
"but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"

* * * * * * * * *
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest,
there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,
and the snake was slithering through the forest,
when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down,
also knocking the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going,
and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, don't even know what I am."
"Quite okay," replied the snake.
"Actually, my story is much the same as yours,
as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my ma or pa.
Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and
figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,
"Well, you're covered with soft fur,
and you have really long ears,
and your nose twitches,
and you have a soft cottony tail.
I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny hopping with excitement,
"Maybe I could feel you with my paw,
and help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said,
"Well, you're scaly and slimy,
you have a forked tongue,
no backbone, and no balls.
I'd say you must be a politician."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

*
*
JuLy '14. JoKes * *

A Horse and A Chicken
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly, the horse falls
into a mud hole and starts to sink. The horse yells at the chicken to go
and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the
farm but the farmer can't be found. So, the chicken gets into the farmer's
Mercedes and drives it as fast as possible back to the mud hole.

Wasting no time, the chicken ties a rope around the bumper, and then
tosses the other end of the rope to the horse. As the horse hangs on for
dear life,the chicken drives the car forward, and saves the horse
from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again.
This time, the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the
horse to hurry and get the farmer, or the farmer's Mercedes.

The horse then says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the mud hole!" So,he
stretches over the width of the hole and says to the chicken, "Reach up
and grab my "thingy", and pull yourself up!!!"

And the chicken did so, and pulled herself up to safety.

The Moral of the Story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Mercedes to pick up chicks.

* * * * * * * * *
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his
company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes
the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer
to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10
rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a
chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security
guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is
anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again
inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their
right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got
married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find
someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

* * * * * * * * *
A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.As he was about
ready to hit a voice came over the PA system. "Will the gentleman on the
ladies tee please move back to the men's tee".

He looked up and then resumed addressing the ball again. The voice
again- "Will the Man on the Red tees move back to the White Tees"!!

He looked back at the starters shack and said, "Will the man on the
p.a. shut up so that the man on the ladies tee can hit his second shot".

* * * * * * * * *
The 90's man is dead... Long live the Man 2001.

Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is...

If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat arse in a gym.

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present... again.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Saturday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to respond to it.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank
range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we're going out.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

All comments become null and void after 7 days.

Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you
look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading
them.

Male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.

If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty
you are?

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not
mean that we want to discuss the relationship.

If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't have to finish
it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No I
couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.

Dieting doesn't work without exercise.

You're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.

A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and
cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in
good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.

* * * * * * * * *
10 ways to scare your neighbors

1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that
you don't have a phone.

2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my
hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad
plants,while watering the bad ones.

3.)Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (ie: chairs, books,
lamps, etc.)

4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of
bodies", then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." walk away laughing
hysterically.

5.) Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that
their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.

6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on
the move again."

7.) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn
and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.

8.) Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours. Each day hack off a different part of
their body.

9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why,
say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)

10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make
markers out of household applainces.

* * * * * * * * *

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I
want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing
beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

* * * * * * * * *

FACTS OF MARRIAGE

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created
man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man
has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state
troopers and a dog.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mother-in-laws.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day
he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

The bumper sticker read: "I lost 130 pounds in one day, I divorced
her."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
beautiful.

* * * * * * * * *
SOME BUMPER STICKERS.
a.. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
b.. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole
c.. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
d.. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
e.. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and
not you!
f.. DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE
BODIES.
g.. JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Gretzky . . . He Shoots . .
.He Scores!
h.. Jesus is coming! Look busy!
i.. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
j.. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
k.. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
l.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
m.. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
m.. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
n.. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
o.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
p.. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
q.. Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
r.. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
s.. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
t.. Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

* * * * * * * * *
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain."

* * * * * * * * *
A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
"Well, darling," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language...stuff I'd never heard before...really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come and get me and take me home...PLEASE MOTHER!"
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
"But, Darling," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME AND GET ME, PLEASE!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset...tell mother the 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother...words like DUST...WASH....IRON...COOK..."

* * * * * * * * *
A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an
unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since
the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby
hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three
of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before
long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left,
friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over
to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.
Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed
with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll
never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his
ass. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough,
she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out
of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to
her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed,
asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is
yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This
keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time,
when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't
mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use
my asshole as your scoreboard?"

* * * * * * * * *
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.
I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

* * * * * * * * *
So you want the day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days. Leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period daily, you have used up another 46 days leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We offer 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves you only l day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!

* * * * * * * * *
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in
bed with another woman. With super-human strength
borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out
the back door, and into the tool shed in the backyard
and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it
tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was
terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going
to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the
saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going
to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."

* * * * * * * * *
A Duck
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes.
I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day.
This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
No Money
There were two friends drinking in a regular bar. When they were done drinking, both found out that they had no money to pay for the drinks. Not knowing what to do, the first guy said : "I have got an idea! Lets pretend we are gays. I'll grab a hot dog place it in my crotch and you'll blow on it. Everyone will think that you are blowing my penis and get disgusted by the scene and turn away. Then we'll run out without paying!"
The second guy agreed and they started carrying out thier plan. As predicted, everyone got disgusted and turned away from them, and they quickly ran out without anyone noticing them. The two guys were amazed by how well their trick worked and decided to visit other bars and do the same trick for free drinks. they visited seven bars, did the same trick and never got caught. they got really drunk and decided to go home. The second guy said.
"Man. I am beat, I had to blow that hot dog the whole night and my mouth just can't take it anymore."
"NO no no, I am beat." The first guy argued. " I lost that hot dog ever since the second bar!"
Random Sex Jokes
What do tits and toy trains have in common?
They were originally made for the kids, but it's dads who always playwith them.
What does eating pussy and the mafia have in common?
One slip of the tongue and your in deep shit.
How do you get a nun pregnant?(I'm going to hell for this one)
Dress her up as an altar boy
Bull Auction
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back,"Sure, once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!"

* * * * * * * * *
** 50 facts about women **

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the
world where they feel like they're actually in
control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question
of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing
it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't
question the racks of clothes in the closet; you
'just don't understand'.

4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone
unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no
right answer, in an effort to trap you into
feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them
and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have
nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse
off than they are. That's why soap operas and
Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This
is because sex is more physical for men and more
emotional for women. Just knowing that the man
wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional
need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones
need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp
involved.

10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at
them from the inside. And they don't view it as
being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two
or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups.
It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone,
no matter what she's doing. It might be the
lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men
understand that they wouldn't need toys if women
had an 'on/off' switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two
different conditioners in the shower. After a
woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a
tropical rain forest.

16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports.
Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape
reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds
them of how horrible things could be.

17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack
five days worth of clothes and will wear some
things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip
she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know
what she'll feel like wearing each day.

18. Women brush their hair before bed.

19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll
have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in
bed.

20. Women are paid less than men, except for one
field: Modeling.

21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the
man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'.
Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

22. Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-
stick, oil doesn't stick?'

23. Women have better restrooms. They get the
nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large
bowl to share.

24. The average number of items in a typical
woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able
to identify most of these items.

25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but
when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can
visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and
they will talk for three hours.

27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water
the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone,
read a book, or get the mail.

28. Women will drive miles out of their way to
avoid the possibility of getting lost using a
shortcut.

29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex;
after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the
question, 'How do I look?'

31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter.
(Or at least men think it means that. PMS also
stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My
Spouse.

32. The first naked man a women see is 'Ken'.

33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt,
and breast sizes.

34. Women will make three right-hand turns to
avoid making one left-hand turn.

35. 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different
meaning in woman-language than it does in man-
language.

36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on
women.

37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map
to correspond to the direction that they are
heading.

38. All women are overweight by definition; don't
agree with them about it. Women always have 5
pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless
they really have 5 pounds to gain.

39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man
in a flower shop, you can probably start up a
conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

40. Only women understand the reason for 'guest
towels' and the 'good china'.

41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear
them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover
the responsibilities that go with those rights.
All women seek equality with men until it comes to
sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and
picking up the check.

42. Only women understand the reason for 'guest
towels' and the 'good china'.

43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often
respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which
warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the
lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by
the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

44. Women never check to see if the lid is up.
They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap
towards the bowl and then chewing men out because
they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two
seconds and lowering it themselves.

45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by
pouting. This will get men arrested.

46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor
in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't
see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to
Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

48. It's okay for women to dance with each other
and not be gay, You don't see straight men dancing
together.

49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out,
and then they'll go out and spend more time
checking out other women. Men can never catch
women checking out other men; women will always
catch men checking out other women.

50. The most embarrissing thing for women is to
find another woman wearing the same dress at a
formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD,
there's another man wearing a black tux, get me
outta here!'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

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