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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * JuLy '08 JoKes * *

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£150'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '£300'
Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your
boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '£450'
The father says, 'Wow.. but that's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost new. I'm going
to take you to church and you will have to confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again. You're in my cupboard now.'

* * * * * * * * *
Chinese Sick Day
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today.
I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say, I feel
great. I be work soon..........you got nice house.'

* * * * * * * * *
Old Farmer boy and his wife hardly have 2 copper coins to rub together, the farm is just about to go under - in short they really are on their uppers...

So he says to her, groping her rather ample chests, "If we can get these two to work and yield some milk, we can get rid of those useless old cows in that bottom field"...

Then he starts to have a fondle down below on her and continues, "...and if we can get this to work and lay some eggs, we can get rid of those old hens which don't seem to be producing any more".

The farmer's wife then turns round to him, grabs hold of his private parts, and retorts, "Yes, and if we can get that bloody thing to work properly, we can get rid of your brother!!!".

* * * * * * * * *
An Irishman was in the dock accused of selling illegal home distilled Irish Whiskey ( Po-teen ). His Barrister was winding up the defence and said. " In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you to take a final long hard look at my client. I would then remind you that he has been charged with the offence of selling illegally distilled whiskey. I now ask you, can you seriously imagine, even for a single moment, that if this man possessed any alcohol whatsoever....he would sell it ? "

* * * * * * * * *
Gotta pee...

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!'

* * * * * * * * *
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian
what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season
when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
If they get an answer back,
it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave,
stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while,
and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening,
he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face,
he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
* * * * * * * * *
Handle every stressful situation like your a dog.
If you can't eat it or screw it... Piss on it and walk away
* * * * * * * * *
An old, Partially blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The old cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

* * * * * * * * *
HISTORY MYSTERY
Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday .
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy huh? bit of history

* * * * * * * * *
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour ...
Who volunteers for this stuff ???

* * * * * * * * *
The Erectus Trouserius or the 'Trouser Snake' is the worlds most dangerous snake.
Colour varies from pink to black.
Its fangless, average length, 5-9 inches, depending on sub species and honesty of its owner.
It appears in bedrooms, but can be found in unusual places at times.
Attacks women in the mouth or lower abdominal area, and its highly venomous spit can cause swelling lasting 9 months.
Some are also known to attack men from behind...

* * * * * * * * *

All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.

and...........

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

* * * * * * * * *
A very attractive young woman was seated in top class restaurant waiting for her new boyfriend. Wanting to make sure that she was looking her very best for him she checked her appearance in her vanity mirror. Just at that moment she spotted him following the Maitre d', heading towards her table. Quickly bending down, she returned the mirror to her handbag on the floor and at the same time, accidentally ripped off a thunderous fart. Red faced with embarrassment, she said loudly to the Maitre d'. " Please stop that ! "
He replied, equally loudly, in polished tones. " Certainly Madam, which way did it go ? "

* * * * * * * * *
A wealthy English businessman had concluded a deal in Dublin and was having a night out with a group of Irish who he had done the deal with. They finished up in a small but very busy typical Irish Pub. The English guy gets the Landlord to call for quiet and shouts. " I understand that you wonderful Irish guys are great drinkers and if any one of you can line up ten pints of Guinness and drink them all, one after the other, I will give him five hundred English Pounds and pay for the drinks. If, on the other hand, he fails to drink them all, he will pay for the Guinness, and buy my friends a drink as well
Everyone was completely silent...one man actually left the Pub. The English guy says. " No takers ? fair enough, good luck to everyone..the drinks are on me." Just at that moment, the guy who had left earlier returned and said. " Does the bet still
stand ? " The Englishman, a little surprised, said. " Certainly, the Landlord can hold the five hundred. "
The ten pints of Guinness were duly lined up on the bar, amid great excitement and the challenge started.
The Irishman steadily downed one pint after another. When he got to the last pint of Guinness, the place was in an uproar and the crowd were cheering their man as if he was on the final lap of the London Marathon. He didn't let them down, calmly downing the tenth pint without pause, never spilling a drop.
Everyone was clapping and slapping him on the back and the astounded English guy congratulated him and then asked him why he had left the Pub earlier.
The Irishman says. " Well, I'd never tried it before...so I had to pop in the Pub down the road first, to make sure I could do it. "

A Doctor had to carry out a psychiatric test on three old men in a nursing home. He asked the first. " If I multiply three by three, what is the answer ? " The old man said. "Three hundred. "
The Doc asked the next old fellow the same question and the answer was. " Tuesday. "
Without expecting a sensible reply, the Doc asked the third old guy the same question. " Can you tell me what three times three comes to ? " The old man replied. " Nine. " The doc was really pleased and said. " Correct, How did you work it out ? "
He got the reply. " Easy, I just took three hundred from Tuesday. "

* * * * * * * * *
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
From drinking little bottles of ... ??? and did the government pay for this research???

* * * * * * * * *
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you
have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is
embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know
most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled
it.

CJ walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The
Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', CJ replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'Y ou shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' CJ said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your
ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private.'

CJ, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if
the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several
minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear',CJ stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'

'I can't piss out of it,' CJ replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose !!!

* * * * * * * * *
And lastly .. Like so many people I know .. Starfish don't have brains either!!!

* * JuLy '07 JoKes * *

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bugger"

* * * * * * * * *
Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

* * * * * * * * *
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

* * * * * * * * *
A great fruit cake recipie

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

* * * * * * * * *
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

* * * * * * * * *
Young School Children Writing About The Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island
If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans.
(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

* * * * * * * * *
Two blondes walk into a building...
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

* * * * * * * * *
A woman is walking out of a grocery store with heavy bags when a handsome young grocery clerk offers to help her carry them to her car.
She thanks him and they begin walking towards her car.
Suddenly, the woman is seized with a desire to have sex with the young man, so she says "I have an itchy pussy".
The clerk says "Sorry ma'am, I couldn't tell one those Japanese cars apart even if my life depended on it

* * * * * * * * *
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

* * * * * * * * *
The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans

1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

* * * * * * * * *
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

* * * * * * * * *
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."

Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

* * * * * * * * *
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

* * * * * * * * *
Southern (Southspeak) to English dictionary:

HEIDI (noun) — Greeting.
HIRE YEW (noun with verb) — Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage “Heidi, hire yew?”

BARD (verb) — Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH (noun) — The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER (noun) — The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”

MUNTS (noun) — A calendar division.
Usage “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK (verb) — Cognitive process.
Usage “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

BARE (noun) — An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops and yeast.
Usage “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT (adjective) — Not smart. See “ Arkansas native.”
Usage “Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH (noun) — A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL (noun) — A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR (noun) — A conflagration.
Usage “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR (noun) — A rubber wheel.
Usage “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE (noun) — A tall monument.
Usage “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in
Paris sometime.”

RETARRED (verb) — To stop working.
Usage “My grampaw retarred at age 65.”

FAT (noun, verb) — A battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS (noun) — Entitled power or privilege.
Usage “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

CHEER (adverb) — In this place.
Usage “Just set that bare rat cheer.”

FARN (adjective) — Not domestic.
Usage “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed. Must be from some farn country.”

DID (adjective) — Not alive.
Usage “He’s did, Jim.”

ARE (noun) — A colorless, odorless gas. i.e., oxygen.
Usage “He can’t breathe. Give ‘IM some ARE!”

BOB WAR (noun) — A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE (noun and verb) — Contraction.
Usage “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE. (noun and verb) — Contraction.
Usage “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n is laf.”

SEED (verb) — Past tense of “to see.”
Usage “I ain’t never seed

New York City.” VIEW (pronoun and verb) — Contraction Usage “I ain’t never seed
New York City. View?”

GUBMINT (noun) — A bureaucratic institution.
Usage “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.”

* * * * * * * * *

A man is driving down a road.

A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and
yells, "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

Moral of the story: If only men would listen...

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