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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * JanUary 2017 JoKes * *

Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.

Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.

Men 2017: I just shaved my legs.

* * * * * * * * *
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

I asked him if he knew kung fu or some other martial art.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

* * * * * * * * *

I’ve been really depressed lately.
A friend told me I should go to the petting zoo, to cheer up.
I went today, but not one person would stroke me.


* * * * * * * * *

Last night I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach...

At least it explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.


* * * * * * * * *

Would you mind if I took a picture of you naked?

Sure, why not – if it isn’t too cold for you here?

* * * * * * * * *

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?

Oh Harry, that would be lovely!

Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?


* * * * * * * * *
A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”

* * * * * * * * *
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

* * * * * * * * *

Job interview in a psychiatry:

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?
-
I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.
-
Very good, the job is yours.

* * * * * * * * *
I was hiking in the wilderness with my girlfriend.
Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad.
We must have come close to her cubs.
Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me.
One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took.


* * * * * * * * *

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair,
"Do you have any last requests?”
"Yes," replies the murderer.
"Can you please hold my hand?"


* * * * * * * * *
A judge enters the court room and starts the proceedings, saying: „Before this process starts in earnest, there is one thing I have to clear first. The plaintiff gave me $ 10,000 so I would rule in their favor. The defendant gave me $ 12,000 so I would rule in their favor. To make this case a fair one, I’m hereby returning $ 2,000 to the defendant.“

* * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.

Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. . After all these years, I’ve gotten used to toilet tissue.”

* * * * * * * * *

Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?”

“Hey – did you just call me ugly and fat in retrospect?!”

* * * * * * * * *

An artist asked the gallery manager if anybody asked about his paintings.

"Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news," said the owner.

"The good one is that a gentleman liked your work and

asked if its value would appreciate after your death.

When I said yes, he bought all 20 of your paintings."

"But that’s fantastic," whooped the artist.

"What could possibly be the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

* * * * * * * * *

A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"

The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."

The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”

* * * * * * * * *

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it.
The son comes home in the afternoon.
Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.”

* * * * * * * * *
I took my wife’s family out for biscuits and tea.

They weren’t very happy about having to donate blood though.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*
*
JanUary 2016 JoKes * *

"I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; then it was too late.
* * * * * * * * *
A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida. With his dummy on his
knees, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde
woman in the audience stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard
enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys
like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
from reaching our full potential!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde
yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little
bastard sitting on your knee!"
* * * * * * * * *
WIERDOS IN THE NEWS

Detroit, Oregon - A hunter thought
he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead.

Redondo Beach, California - After a short chase, officer Joseph Fonteno charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI. The car had been driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: "It came with the car when I bought it."

Australia - The Australian Police Journal reported that an elderly woman had already used about half of the powder in a custard packet when she discovered an object that appeared to be a large dead cockroach. However, when she brought it to the Health Department, food analysts determined it to be a dried-up human finger. The following investigation revealed that a factory worker had lost two fingers in a machine with rotating blades. One finger had been found. The other had made its way into the custard packet the woman had bought.

Pochatello, Idaho - In February, 1997 a 46-year-old female elementary school principal was charged with misdemeanor trespass, based on photographs taken by former police dispatcher Richard Clothier. Clothier had taken the pictures in order to find out who had been running onto his property since September, defecating in his front yard on Sundays. In a pre-trial conference the woman admitted in front of several witnesses that she had indeed defecated 21 times on Clothier's lawn, as well as about 5 times on the lawns of his neighbors.

Edmonton, Alberta - The driver of an armored truck appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. Six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, which had been swerving left and right. As it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

Sacramento, California - An elderly gentleman walked into a police station and reported that he thought he had robbed a Wells Fargo Bank a few days earlier. The police officers didn't take his confession too seriously because he was very old, suffered from obvious physical ailments, carried a white hospital bag, and admitted that he wanted to go back into Kaiser Hospital's psychiatric ward. He also couldn't remember the exact day, time, location of the bank, or the nearest cross street. However, after an intensive interrogation, FBI agents found out that the senior citizen had indeed robbed the bank and was responsible for three other bank robberies.

Antioch, California - A 22-year-old man was arrested after allegedly ordering a stranger to fix his truck at gunpoint.

San Francisco, California - Dan White, a city supervisor, killed Mayor George Moscone and Harvey Milk, another supervisor. White's lawyers said that eating a Twinkie had made his blood sugar level rise so high, it caused his psychotic episode. this resulted in the charges against White being dropped from murder one to involuntary manslaughter.

Mount Shasta, California - Joy Glassman, the 60-year-old mother of a firefighter, was charged with five counts of arson. She allegedly set the fires to help her son's career.

Boynton, Florida - For their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy, Michael Harrison and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder.

Woburn, Massachusetts - In Agust 1996, police investigated complaints about the Anchor Baptist Church. The church allegedly lured kids from a nearby housing project by promising them pizza and then baptized them without their parents' permission.

Sanger, Texas - Four teenagers, including the police chief's son, broke into a funeral home. They had planned to steal embalming fluid, dip cigarettes in it and smoke them. But when they couldn't find any fluid, they decided to cut off the finger of a corpse and took turns trying to smoke it.

Pennsylvania - A bank robber was sentenced to 24 years in prison. Instead of wearing masks, he and his accomplice had thought that rubbing citric acid on their faces would somehow blur their images on the security cameras.

Pikeville, Kentucky - After a fight with his girlfriend's 16-year-old son over rent money, Jesse James Taylor drove himself to the emergency room of the Methodist Hospital with part of a butcher knife in his back and a meat cleaver stuck in his head. After successful surgery, he was released the very next day.

Ogdgen, Utah - A man wearing a clown costume, make-up, a purple wig, and bedroom slippers assaulted a mechanic living in a trailer. The Ogden Standard-Examiner reported that the clown had knocked on the mechanic's door and had demanded to see "Kathy." When the mechanic had explained that he didn't know anyone named Kathy, the clown had accused him of having an affair with her, grabbed the lamp, hit him over the head and ran away.

Wandsworth, England - In 1993, Karl Watkin was sentenced to 18 months in prison for pretending to have sex with a sidewalk. In April, 1996, he was convicted of gross indecency and sentenced to 6 years in prison for simulating sexual intercourse with garbage bags. In September, he commited suicide in his cell.

Appleton, Wisconsin - Darrell Voeks was arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of farm pigs to pay for breast implants for his favorite stripper at a local club. He was sentenced to ten years in prison.

Key West, Florida - A restaurant worker killed another as the result of a heated argument over how to put silverware into a dishwasher.

Ypsilanti, Michigan - The Ann Arbor News reported that a man failed to rob a Burger King because the clerk told him he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. So the man ordered onion rings, but the clerk informed him that they weren't available for breakfast. The frustrated robber left.

St. Peters, Missouri - A gunman robbed a 711 store, but returned the money minutes later because his car wouldn't start. Amazingly, the store clerks came out to the parking lot and gave the robber's car a jump start. Police Officer David Kuppler commented: "We have a very friendly town out here."

Niagara Falls, Ontario - The operators of Casino Niagara told a local newspaper that customers urinating around slot machines had become a serious problem. Customers who believed a slot machine would soon pay off were afraid to leave the machines and either wore adult diapers, urinatedinto the platic coin cups or simply on the floor next to the machines.

Grande Ronde, Oregon - Sixty-seven-year-old Arthur Mooney died of a heart attack in the Spirit Mountain Casino. While his body lay right there on the floor for an hour, the other customers continued to play the slot machines.

Vanuatu, South Pacific - The entire 300-men-strong police force of the island nation was arrested after kidnapping a visiting politician from Australia and attempting to use the hostage as leverage in a dispute with the government concerning overtime pay.

Stockholm, Sweden - Customs officers arrested a woman who had tried to smuggle 75 live snakes in her bra. The officers became suspicious when they noticed how the woman kept scratching her chest.

Tegucigalpa, Honduras - To combat the spread of HIV, prison officials at the Central Penitentiary decided to encourage male inmates to marry each other, thus vowing to be faithful to just one sexual partner. The same-sex marriages are valid only in the prison. Eight couple have already tied the knot.

Scarborough, England - On June 22, 1996, a totally wrecked Ford was found at the bottom of a 100-foot cliff. Police found no sign of the driver but discovered a pile of human feces on the driver's seat.

Cameroon - Lynch mobs from several towns hanged three men who had been accused of evil witchcraft. The men supposedly had the ability to make other men's genitalia shrink or even disappear. Similar penis panics have been reported in China, where it is called "shook yang" and in Malaysia, where natives call the superstition "koro".
* * * * * * * * *
A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is

about to shoot when he

hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't

see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to

prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the

cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the

man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know

what to say. By the end

of the day, the man golfed the

best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man

asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man

figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not,

since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

your honor, is how the girl

ended up in my room. So help me God

or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
* * * * * * * * *
Just when you thought it was safe to breathe .....

VAIN
A person who loves the smell of his own farts
AMIABLE
A person who loves the smell of other people's farts
PROUD
A person who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine
SHY
A person who releases silent farts and then blushes
IMPUDENT
A person who boldly farts out loud and then laughs
UNFORTUNATE
A person who tries awfully hard to fart but poops instead
SCIENTIFIC
A person who farts regularly but is only concerned about pollution
NERVOUS
A person who stops in the middle of his fart
HONEST
A person who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons
DISHONEST
A person who farts and then blames the dog
FOOLISH
A person who suppresses a fart for hours and hours
THRIFTY
A person who has several good farts in reserve
ANTI-SOCIAL
A person who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy
STRATEGIC
A person who conceals his farts with loud coughing
SADISTIC
A person who farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bedmate
INTELLECTUAL
A person who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart
precisely the latest food item consumed
ATHLETIC
A person who farts at the slightest exertion
MISERABLE
A person who would truly love to, but can't fart at all
SENSITIVE
A person who farts and then starts crying

* * * * * * * * *
What is the difference between men and women?
1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.
6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

* * * * * * * * *
> > > Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
> > > friends.
> > > You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has,
> > > You wish you had ordered that.

* * * * * * * * *
Randy The Roaster
A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great
rooster, named Randy; "he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying overhead and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer....

* * * * * * * * *
Winter Vacation
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

* * * * * * * * *
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES

1. That's not right ........... Sum Ting Wong
2. Are you harbouring a fugitive ............ Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. See me ASAP ............ Kum Hia
4. Stupid Man ............ Dum Gai
5. Small Horse ............ Tai Ni Po Ni
6. Did you go to the Beach ............ Wai Yu So Tan
7. I bumped the coffee Table .......... Ai Bang Mai Ni
8. I think you need a Face Lift ............ Chin Tu Fat
9. Its very dark in here ............ Wao So Dim
10. I thought you were on a diet ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching
11. This is a tow away zone ............No Pah King
12. Our meeting is scheduled for next week ............ Wai Yu Kum Nao
13. Staying out of sight ............ Lei Ying Lo
14. He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka
15. Your body odor is offensive ............ Yu Stin Ki Pu
16. Great ............ Fa Kin Su Pah

* * * * * * * * *
The 25th Anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

* * * * * * * * *
Who can understand men?...
>>
>>1. The nice men are ugly.
>>2. The handsome men are not nice.
>>3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
>>4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
>>5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no
>>money.
>>6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money
>>think we are only after their money.
>>7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
>>8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,
>>don't think we are beautiful enough.
>>9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
>>somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
>>10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some
>>money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE >>FIRST
MOVE!!!!
>>11. The men who never make the first move automatically lose
>>interest in us when we take the initiative.
>>
>>NOW....WHO IN THE HECK UNDERSTANDS MEN?
>>
>>Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
>>a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
>>mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

* * * * * * * * *
Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless oranges?

How come there is a mailbox in front of the post office?

If we can make semi-conductors, why can't we make complete conductors?

Why go to all the trouble of building a hidden driveway when the highway
department puts up a "Hidden Drive" sign?

How come we can never just rant or just rave? Why do we always have to
do both? It makes me sick and tired.

If a mime fell in the woods, would he make a sound?

Why do radio stations interrupt "60 minutes of uninterrupted music" to
tell you you're listening to 60 minutes of uninterrupted music?

If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down?

What did moths congregate around before light bulbs were invented?

If Dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, why is his hair
always so neatly combed?

Why are America's parks and great outdoors administered by the Department
of the Interior?

Does an invisible ink stain have to be cleaned with invisible spot
remover?

If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box, what color would he be -- clear?

Can you call someone on the otherside of the international date line and
get tomorrow's winning lottery numbers?

Can you really avoid injury in an airplane crash if you jump out when the
plane is just a few feet from the ground?

If you spread butter on a cat's back and dropped the cat, would it land
on its feet?

Why do we use the phrase "recorded earlier"? Is there ANY other time to
record something?
* * * * * * * * * *
A prostitute
It's about 2 o'clock ,and you know how things look in a bar about two o'clock..
Well there a panda bear and a prostitute sitting together, and the woman asks if he would like to go home with her..
The panda bear looks her over and says sure..
So they go to her place they have a good time and the panda bear gets up to leave, when the prostitute yells ,"where do you think you're going?" the panda bear answers that he is going home, The woman then explains that she is a prostitute and the panda bear answers that he knows but he is a panda bear.. they can't see eye to eye on it so they decide to look it up in WEBSTER's ...
They look up prostitute: a woman that gets paid for sexual favors, the panda bear answers that yes he knew that, now look up panda bear: a black and white bear that eats bushes and leaves.
* * * * * * * * * *
What personal ads really mean! ...

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Polite.........Says "please" before sticking your head down to his crotch

THE ADS FROM WOMEN

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

* * * * * * * * *
>>>> VIZ TIPS:
>>>>
>>>> 1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
>>>> Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey
>>>> presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
>>>>
>>>> 2. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will
>>>> prevent you from going back to sleep.
>>>>
>>>> 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
>>>> getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
>>>>
>>>> 4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling
>>>>and
>>>> nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
>>>>
>>>> 5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at
>>>> the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying
>>>> the f*cking thing in the first place, you fat b*stards.
>>>>
>>>> 6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.
>>>> The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by
>>>> drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your
>>>> head repeatedly on the wall.
>>>>
>>>> 7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
>>>> seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog
>>>> turd into the bath.
>>>>
>>>> 8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in
>>>> your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding
>>>> two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
>>>>
>>>> 9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary
>>>> one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put
it on.
>>>>
>>>> 10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens
>>>> by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in
a
>>>> strange place the following morning, having had your memory
>>>> mysteriously 'erased'.
>>>>
>>>> 11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply
>>>> stand closer to what you want to look at.
>>>>
>>>> 12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
>>>> makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
>>>>
>>>> 13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in
>>>> the direction of oncoming traffic.
>>>>
>>>> 14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a
>>>> spoonful of lard.
>>>>
>>>> 15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs,
>>>> start eating cakes again.
>>>>
>>>> 16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes
>>>> an ideal coathanger in an emergency.
>>>>
>>>> 17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of
>>>> arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a
flight
>>>> to your intended destination in the first place.
>>>>
>>>> 18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps
>>>> makes an inexpensive vibrator.
>>>>
>>>> 19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken
>>>> anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
>>>>
>>>> 20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat
>>>> by simply pissing in the sink.
>>>>
>>>> 21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold
>>>> Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
>>>>
>>>> 22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit
>>>> of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu,
>>>> Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing',
>>>> they won't know any difference.
>>>>
>>>> 23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since
>>>> you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary
>>>> requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
>>>>
>>>> 24. Spice up your s*x life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s*x'.
>>>>Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs,
>>>> call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
>>>>
>>>> 25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment
>>>> always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the
>>>> garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the
area
>>>> of the stain and check that it has gone.

>>>> 26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last
>>>> frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
>>>>
>>>> 27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and
>>>> bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
>>>>
>>>> 28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
>>>> windscreen,sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping
>>>> red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
>>>>
>>>> 29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and
>>>> dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
>>>>
>>>> 30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a
'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory
>>>> coat and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few
days.
>>>> Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night
>>>> and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy or the likes.
>>>> Watch their faces in the morning.
>>>>
>>>> 31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save
money on toilet paper, and water bills, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
>>>>

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*
*
JanUary 2015 JoKes * *

Researchers at Onepoll.com asked 36,000 people to vote for their favourite jokes.
Here are the final top 50

"TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME"

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your pet monkey for you.''

2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''

30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''

40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

49. A seal walks into a club...

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*
*
JanUary 2014 JoKes * *

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221".
* * * * * * * * * *
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds,20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around'".
* * * * * * * * * *
Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.

Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. 'Ah, will you look at that?' One ditch digger said. 'What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?'

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. 'Do you believe that?' The workman exclaimed. 'Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them.'

After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. 'Ah, what a pity,' the digger said, leaning on his shovel. 'One of th' poor lasses must be ill.'
* * * * * * * * * *

The Washington Post recently had a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply possible alternate meanings for various words. The following are some of the winning entries ...

Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog

Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk

Willy-nilly--adj., impotent

Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained

Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie

Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp

Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash

Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver

Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon

Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are runover by a steamroller

Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline

Testicle--n., a humorous question on an exam

Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers

Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you

Marionettes--n., residents of Washington, D.C., who have been jerked around by the Mayor

Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions

Circumvent--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts

Frisbatarianism--n., belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
* * * * * * * * * *
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

* * * * * * * * * *

Top 10 Old Folk's Party Games

10. Musical Recliners

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

8. Hide and Go Pee

7. Simon Says Something Incoherent

6. Doc, Doc Goose

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over

4. Kick the Bucket

3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

1. Sag, You're It!
* * * * * * * * * *
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'Rent for Apartment.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

'Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:

'Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
* * * * * * * * * *
The top things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say
...ever....no matter how much they've had to drink,
no matter how far from the South they've wandered..........

40. 'Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's onlysixteen.'
39. 'I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex'
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the SuperBowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fatgrams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. 'Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
* * * * * * * * * *
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, 'That's no problem. How many do you want?'

The man answered, 'Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.'

The doctor said, 'That won't do you any good.'

The elderly gentleman said, 'That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.'
* * * * * * * * * *
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?'

'You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she!'
* * * * * * * * * *
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened-- to which the man replies: "She choked".
* * * * * * * * * *
Women Speak In Oestrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone

RELATIONSHIPS: First of all, a man does not call it a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

COMEDY: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald men's heads.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there" and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

SPORT ARENAS: Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football games's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie," "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size," "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys," etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

FRIENDS: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tots, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*
*
JanUary 2013 JoKes * *

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop,
reaches into his pocket takes out a small bottle
and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers
it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief." says Paddy, “The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
* * * * * * * * *

When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
* * * * * * * * *

I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails
over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician! NOT!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

* * * * * * * * *
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, their two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

"Where is God?!

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dived into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,

"What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,

"We are in BIG trouble this time!"

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
* * * * * * * * *
I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him “I wish I had your will power..”

* * * * * * * * *
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.
* * * * * * * * *

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were strolling together over a bridge.

Kylie trips, and gets her head jammed between the railings.

Without a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her thong and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"

Elton bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"
* * * * * * * * *
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night
He hypnotised seven guys .. then
dropped the mic onto his toe and yelled
FUCK ME!!!!!
* * * * * * * * *

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

* Pasta had not been invented.

* Curry was a surname.

* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet

* Spices came from the Middle East where they were used for embalming

* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.

* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

* Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

* The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage,

* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.

* Soft drinks were called pop.

* Coke was something that we put on the fire.

* A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

* A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed.

* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.

* Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

* Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

* Bread and jam was a treat.

* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

* Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.

* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.

* Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.

* Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist

* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.

* The starter was our main meal. Soup was a main meal.

* Only Heinz made beans.

* Leftovers went in the dog.

* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.

* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.

* Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

* Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

* Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop.

* For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out of old newspapers.

* Frozen food was called ice cream.

* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.

* Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour.

* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

* Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.

* If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less.

* Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

* People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

* Indian restaurants were only found in India .

* Brunch was not a meal.

* If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would have been certified

* A bun was a small cake back then.

* The word" Barbie" was not associated with anything to do with food.

* Eating outside was a picnic.

* Cooking outside was called camping.

* Seaweed was not a recognised food.

* Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday

* "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

* Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.

* Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious they would never catch on.

* The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond comprehension.

* The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all to us.

* The world had not heard of Pot Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts.

* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

* Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were only found abroad.

* Prunes were medicinal.

* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.

* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.

* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

* We never heard of Croissants and we certainly couldn't pronounce it,

* We thought that Baguettes were a problem the French needed to deal with.

* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour food.

* Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

* Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals.

* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning."

* The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties …. elbows
* * * * * * * * *

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
* * * * * * * * *

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
"Please come over here and help me.
I have been given a killer jigsaw puzzle for a belated Christmas present,
and I am finding it impossible to figure out how to get started, even"

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . ... .. .


(scroll down)


"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
* * * * * * * * *

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and ordered a beer from the bar. They took their drinks over to a free table and sat down.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked into the saloon and called out "Who Owns the big white horse outside?"The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was dying from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon his dedicated and reliable stallion was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him
start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy
strutted into the bar and asked, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up again, and claimed, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looked him in the eye and said,
.
.
.
.

"Nothing................. but you left your injun runnin!!!".
* * * * * * * * *

Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.


'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.


'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
* * * * * * * * *

CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his
treatment.

She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'
He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'
He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'
The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

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