PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGES
* * JanUary 2013 JoKes * *
day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop,
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a
relief." says Paddy, The doctor told me to come here and get
my urine tested for sugar."
I can no longer open
a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
I can't sit down
on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
I have trouble shaking
hands with someone who has been driving
Eating a little snack
sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
I can't touch any
woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
I must send my special
thanks for the email about rat poo
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink
in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
I can't eat at KFC
because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
I can't use cancer-causing
deodorants even though I smell like a
Thanks to you I have
learned that my prayers only get answered
Because of your concern
, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
I no longer buy fuel
without taking someone along to watch the car,
I no longer use Cling
Wrap in the microwave because it causes
And thanks for letting
me know I can't boil a cup of water
I no longer go to
the cinema because I could be pricked with a
I no longer go to
shopping centers because someone will drug
And I no longer answer
the phone because someone will ask
Thanks to you I can't
use anyone's toilet but mine because a
And thanks to your
great advice I can't ever pick up a
I can't do any gardening
because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist
from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep
my toothbrush in the living room, because
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, their two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dived into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing,
and they think WE did it!"
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked
for me," he replied.
Kylie trips, and gets her head jammed between the railings.
Without a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her thong and bonks her senseless!
He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"
Elton bursts into tears.
"What's up?" asks Robbie.
Elton sobs, "My
head won't fit through the railings!"
* Pasta had not been invented.
* Curry was a surname.
* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet
* Spices came from the Middle East where they were used for embalming
* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.
* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
* Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
* The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage,
* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.
* Soft drinks were called pop.
* Coke was something that we put on the fire.
* A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
* A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed.
* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.
* Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
* Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
* Bread and jam was a treat.
* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
* Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.
* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.
* Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.
* Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist
* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.
* The starter was our main meal. Soup was a main meal.
* Only Heinz made beans.
* Leftovers went in the dog.
* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.
* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.
* Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
* Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
* Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop.
* For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out of old newspapers.
* Frozen food was called ice cream.
* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.
* Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour.
* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
* Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.
* If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less.
* Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
* People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
* Indian restaurants were only found in India .
* Brunch was not a meal.
* If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would have been certified
* A bun was a small cake back then.
* The word" Barbie" was not associated with anything to do with food.
* Eating outside was a picnic.
* Cooking outside was called camping.
* Seaweed was not a recognised food.
* Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday
* "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
* Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.
* Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious they would never catch on.
* The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond comprehension.
* The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all to us.
* The world had not heard of Pot Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts.
* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
* Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were only found abroad.
* Prunes were medicinal.
* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.
* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.
* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
* We never heard of Croissants and we certainly couldn't pronounce it,
* We thought that Baguettes were a problem the French needed to deal with.
* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour food.
* Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.
* Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals.
* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning."
* The one thing that
we never ever had on our table in the fifties
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and
shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
He studies the pieces
for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
"First of all,
no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
He takes her hand
and says, "Second, I want you to relax.. Let's have a
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked into the saloon and called out "Who Owns the big white horse outside?"The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked
at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that
your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger turned
to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see
if you can create enough of a breeze to make him
The Lone Ranger stood
up again, and claimed, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looked him in the eye and said,
but you left your injun runnin!!!".
A man suffered a
serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.He awakened from
the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
She asked, 'Do you
have health insurance?'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have played cricket for England. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a West End star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday, he knew all about wine and which foods to order. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
I never actually met Frank. He died. But I'm married to his fuckin' widow."
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'
'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up
under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
'Ah!' says the big
Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's
nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.'
Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy
slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.'
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
NOW hand me dat shovel.'
By this time, the
lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal
damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission
to leave the table.
I never had a telephone
in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial,
you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already
using the line.
If you grew up in
a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of
these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me
if they bust a gut laughing.
1. Sweet cigarettes
If you remembered
0-3 = Youre still young
It was then observed
that 100% of the test subjects:
He is on the second
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around
and doesn't see anyone.
He hits it 10 inches
from the cup.
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to
take the frog with
"What do you
think frog?" the man asks.
The guy takes out
a 3 wood and Boom!
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
" They go to
Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What
do you think I
The man takes his
winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed..
'Good,' she replied.
..............'Get your own % ucking blanket.'
You can't do that now.
Too damn many security cameras.
* * JanUary 2011 JoKes * *
The Husband said,
The penis rose out
of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
On the way, another
incredibly intense orgasm
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
However, when they
got home they found the Window Cleaner dead in the porch.
A married couple
in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a
quiet, romantic little restaurant.
My night began as
any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
So I headed to the
site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
No muss, no fuss.
How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but
So I pull one of
the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
OK, so it wasn't
the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
I am She-rah, fighter
of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth
With my next wax
strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
Using the same procedure,
I apply the wax strip across the right
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
I think I may pass
out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
I want to see my
trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? WTF!!
Slowly I ease my
head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
I run my fingers
over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
Sealed shut! My arse is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around
the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water
melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
I get in the bath
- the water is slightly hotter than that used to
Now, the only thing
worse than having your nether regions glued
So, now I'm stuck
to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself
I call my friend,
thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
There is a slight
pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
She wants to know
exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking
She's laughing out
loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else as well.
While we go through
various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape
My friend is still
talking with me when I finally see my saving
What do I really
have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
It works !!' I get
a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
He stops the first
person he sees walking down the street and says........ 'Thank you Mr.
British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food,
free medical care, free education and no taxes!' The passer by says, 'You
are mistaken, I am Mexican!'
He finally sees a
nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?' She says, 'No, I am from Africa
!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?' The African lady
checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'
Today we mourn the
passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for
many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records
were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as
having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even
further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer
sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when
a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by
his 4 stepbrothers;
Not many attended
his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember
him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
And every year Ken would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said,
'Edna, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know,
is fifty bucks!'
Manchester Utd Virus Alerts
Everybody please watch out for the following viruses ...
The Manchester Utd Virus ... This is where your PC thinks it's far superior than any other PC and develops a complex disorder, except when the password LEEDS UNITED is entered .
The Alex Ferguson Virus ... The computer develops a continuous whining noise when losing power and will refuse to accept time outs even when being shut down.
The Berbatov Virus ... This affects newer PC's mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.
The Cantona Virus ... This one is particularly nasty and will throw you out of Windows ...
The Foster Virus .... This one's not particularly harmful - but you just can't save anything.
The Brown Virus ..... Just when you think things can't get any worse, this one pops up and causes a calamitous error.
The Nani Virus ... The computer develops a processor problem, whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuation in performance.
The Neville Virus .... This is a particularly ugly one.
The Ronaldo Virus ... Computer crashes constantly and for no noticable reason
100's of FUNNY JOKES