There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their
asses. The results were pretty interesting:

25% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's still a
good man, and they would have married him anyway.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
Will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
Connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA Page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation System to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the Cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing was required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A Native American, A Cowboy and a Muslim are all stranded at a small airport.
They strike up a conversation but it soon becomes apparent that the Muslim is a radical zealot. At this point the conversation comes to an embarrassed halt.
The cowboy puts his feet up on the table, pulls his Stetson over his eyes and relaxes. The native American (ok Red Indian then) feels a bit awkward and decides to try and get the conversation going again.
So he proclaims "Many years ago my people were many, but now we are few".
The Muslim looks at him and says "Many years ago, my people were few but now we are many"
"Why is this?" asks the Indian.
At which point the cowboy pushes up his Stetson and says
"Cos we aint played cowboys and Muslims yet"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend
the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself
to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.


Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before
scrolling down for the answer...

He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and
call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ten times when using the "f" word was probably acceptable

10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "Geez, how do I get out of this @#$%ing mess." - George Bush, 2006

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1999
AND
1. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man arrives home with a sheep under his arm and goes into the bedroom where his wife is in bed reading a book.

Man says: "This is the pig I sleep with when you've got a headache".

His wife replies "I think you'll find that's a sheep"

Man replies " I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There were three ladies from Birmingham,
And this is the story concerning 'em.
They lifted the frock,
And tickled the cock,
of the Bishop who was confirming 'em.

But the Bishop himself was no fool.
He had been to a large public school.
So he shifted his britches,
And buggered the bitches
With his ten-inch Episcopal tool.

Now the youngest young lady, named Lou,
Said as his Lordship withdrew,
The Vicar is quicker,
Stronger and thicker,
And two inches longer than you!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, nicely fixed up with picnic tables, horseshoe pits and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and designed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed his hat and a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he got nearer to the pond, he was amazed to hear the sound of laughter and shouting. When he emerged from behind a peach tree, he saw five gorgeous teenage girls skinny-dipping in his pond. As soon as they saw him, they squealed in alarm and hid themselves in the deep end.

"We're not coming out until you leave!" one of them shouted.
"Nice beaver," chuckled the old man.
"Filthy perve!" shouted another.
"Yeah...don't think you're gonna see my tits ya dirty ol' man!" screamed a third, hastily covering up the magnificent pair the old man's eyes were glued to.

The old man frowned. "Lookee here, girls. I didn't come down here to watch five little cuties swimmin' nekkid as a jaybird in mah pond. I ain't gonna make you git out nekkid neither." Holding the bucket up he said: "I'm jus' here to feed mah 'gator. Don't mind me."

"G-GATOR!!!" The girls screamed in unison. All five shrieked with fright and scrambled out of the pool.
"Here, lemme help ya out," said the old man, putting his arm around the prettiest girl.

Which goes to prove that old men who don't move so quickly can still think faster than a young stud!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
DEFINITIONS
Antelope (v): to run off with your mother’s sister.
Assassination (n): an arrangement to meet a donkey.
Baptist (n): a junior hamburger chef.
Basket (n): a short nap in the sun.
Circumstantial (n): circumcision on a really big baby.
Collonade (n): fizzy enema.
Defence (n): something to sit on for people who can’t make up their minds.
Diarrhoea (n) a very unattractive bottom.
Dictator (n): hilariously shaped, edible tuber.
Dipthong (v): to wash a lady's undergarment.
Diversion (n): Princess of Wales' version of the events that led to her divorce.
Dumpling (n): small lump of excrement.
Gastronome (n): small person prone to excess wind.
Harbinger (n): hard drinker.
Hatchet (n): small, bird droppings that fall from the sky.
Headband (n): top of the bill at a rock concert.
Hormone (n): the sound a prostitute makes when she's not been paid.
Hobnob (n): cooking accident often suffered by nudists.
Homophobe (n): strong dislike of The Simpsons.
Honeydew (n: women who regularly arrive late for appointments.
Induction (n): induced labour in a duck.
Innuendo (n): Italian suppository.
Intercontinental (n): person who has wet themselves all over the world.
Labiate (v): perform cunnilingus.
Laminate (v): to artificially inseminate a sheep.
Limpet (n): male who has trouble getting an erection.
Lobster (n): colloquial term for a female who ejaculates during orgasm.
Mantrap (n): sexual favour used by women to obtain money from men.
Mastiff (n): mass erections induced by watching pornography.
Menopause (n): break in conversation to allow men to get a word in edgeways.
Minjita (n) (slang): an Indian lesbian.
Misfit (n): an attractive young woman.
Mislay (n): a brazen or promiscuous young woman.
Morbific (n): excessively violent.
Multilingual (n): engaging in cunnilingus with multiple partners.
Negligent (n): cross-dresser.
Ostentatious: make and model of a pre-war British luxury car.
Outage (n): process of exposing a Gay politician.
Portent (n): The Millennium Dome.
Propaganda (n): a wooden support for one-legged male geese.
Rapscallion (n): Black, American spring onion.
Rectitude (n): Precise angle at which a rectal thermometer should be inserted.
Reflex (v): renew wiring to an electrical appliance.
Restitution (n): sanatorium for lactating women.
Skulduggery (n): archaeological excavation.
Snuff box (n): slang term for a coffin.
Spade (n): small surgical tool for removing ovaries.
Testator (n): a male who is constantly adjusting his genitalia.
Titillate (n): delayed onset of female puberty.
Titular (n & adj): busty woman.
Vagrant: (n): confused insect.
Willy-nilly (n): male who continually catches their penis in their zipper.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There once was a Texan named Bush,
Who had a most cavernous tush.
He said: 'For a war
I'll be your butt whore!'
Said Blair: 'I'll give it a push!'

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"
"Don't what?"
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.
"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.

"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.
"Then why did you? "
said the Father.
"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it! "
Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom
and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you..
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

* * * * * * * * *
LAST YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004-5

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

* * * * * * * * *
An oldie but a goldie...

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit
the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to
the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do
with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back
to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."

Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send
them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a
free box of bread wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know - it - all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a
year they send us a complete prick."

* * * * * * * * *
Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
* * * * * * * * *
Jimmy the Aboriginal

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only
aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool inthe
backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have
a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to
anyone who has the balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the
croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with
his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and
chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through
the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and
splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy. The rich man said,
"Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."
"How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it,"
answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something.
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
options?" Again Jimmy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"
Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in the Pool.

* * * * * * * * *
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it
means to be British?". Some of the emails are hilariou,s but this is one
from a chap in Switzerland ...
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian
beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on
the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese
TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign ".

* * * * * * * * *
>A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part
>of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You
>get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something
>to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees".
>
>The cannibals promised they would not.
>
>Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and
>I am satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has
>disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all
>shook their heads "no".
>
>After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others
>"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
>
>"You fool!" the leader said to the guilty person. "For four weeks we
>have been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOOOOO, you
>had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"
* * * * * * * * *
>I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
>allow me to take a leave.
>
>I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a
>few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
>
>My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
>
>I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
>would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
>
>A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
>you doing ?"
>
>I told him I was a light bulb.
>
>He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
>couple of days".
>
>I jumped down and walked out of the office.
>
>When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And
>where do you think you're going?"
>
>( You're going love this..... )
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

* * * * * * * * *
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring - so she
called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he
could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your
husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and
payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new
sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
* * * * * * * * *
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates.

He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with
the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her
hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very
nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because
she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money
on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the
$5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint
account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him
so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.
* * * * * * * * *
> A big guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
> and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must

> be thousands of dollars in it.
>
> He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
>
> "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money."
>
> The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three
> tests?"
>
> Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives
> him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the
> bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
>
> First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the
> whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
>
> Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
> You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
>
> Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached
> org a sm during inter-course. You've gotta make things right for her."
>
> The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
> I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper
> tequila, and then do those other things..."
>
> "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
>
> As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
> asks, Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and
> downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he
> doesn't make a face.
>
> Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon
> the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

> They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull
> yelping and then. ..............silence.
>
> Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
> into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all
> over his body.
>
> "Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

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