BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGE
. . ENJOY.
INDEX PAGE ~ - ~
FUNNY PIC PAGE
. 2017 .
and diapers have one thing in common:
they should both be changed regularly
and for the same reason.
* * * * * * * * *
Kinds of Sex
first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon
period, you both keep
doing it until you're blue in the face.
2.The second is Kitchen Sex. This
is at the beginning of the
marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even
in the kitchen.
third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
perhaps have kids, so
you gotta do it in the bedroom.
fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each
other in the hallway
and say, "Fuck you!"
is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you
and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the
* * * * * * * *
10 things that you say at the office that sound dirty,
I need you to whip it out by 5:00.
2. Mind if I use your laptop?
I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
4. Put it in my box before I leave.
I want it on my desk NOW!
6. Hmmm. . . . I think it's out of fluid.
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
8. It's an entry-level
9. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
10. It's not
fair. . . I do all the work while he just sits back!
* * * * * * * *
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only
question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they
didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know
what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion"
meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In
South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they
didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
* * * * * * * *
A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on.
seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind
them ignores their conversation at first,
but her attention is galvanized
when she hears
one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come
together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more."
swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't
talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, lady," said the
man. "I try to teacha my frienda to spell Mississippi."
* * * * * * * *
So you want the day off. Let's take a look at what you
are asking for.
are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which
you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since
you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days. Leaving
only 91 days available.
spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year,
leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period daily, you have used
up another 46 days leaving only 22 days available for work.
normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available
for work. We offer 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down
to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves you
only l day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that
* * * * * * * *
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
* * * * * * * * *
> > David Ginola
> > Vagina dildo
> Teddy Sheringham
> > Teddy Minge rash
> > Arse is soiled
> > Diego Maradona
> O dear, I'm a gonad
> > Tony Blair PM
I'm Tory plan B
> > Virginia Bottomley
> > I'm
an evil Tory bigot
> > Michael Heseltine
> > Elect
him, he's alien
> > David Mellor
> > Dildo marvel
> > Dame Agatha Christie
> > I am a right death case
> > The Metropolitan Police Force
> > I'm fellatio, the
erect porno cop
> > Benson and Hedges
> > NHS been
> > Selina Scott
> > Elastic snot
> > Mel Gibson
> > Big melons
> > Large fat noise
> > Chris Rea
> Rich arse
> > Martina Navratilova
> > Variant
rival to a man
> > Gabriela Sabatini
> > Insatiable
> > Irritable Bowel Syndrome
> > O my terrible
> > Evangelist
> > Evil's Agent
> > Desperation
> > A Rope Ends It
> The Morse Code
> > Here Come Dots
> > Mother-in-law
> Woman Hitler
> > Semolina
> > Is No Meal
> > A Decimal Point
> > I'm a Dot in Place
> Eleven plus two
> > Twelve plus one
> > President
Clinton, of the USA
> > To copulate, he finds interns
> Motorway Service Station
> > I eat coronary vomit stews.
* * * * * * * *
One fine Sunday afternoon a couple goes to an agricultural
show way out in the countryside & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:
"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife
nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That was more than
5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine
specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year" Again the wife bugs
her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times
last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's
once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was
pretty irritated by now, & yells back,"Sure, once a day!....... But ask
the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!"
* * * * * * * *
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
* * * * * * * *
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three
first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
He starts on this when suddenly
a huge fish leaps out and bites him.
He is not going to let a fish have a go
so he beats the offending fish
to death with a spade.
that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to
find a way to hide
the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving
the fish to the lions
as lions will eat anything.
So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.
then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house.
goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at
him. Un-amused he
swipes at the chimps with his spade,
killing them instantly. He's really worried
now, so what does he do?
He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat
He hurls them into the lion's cage.
he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from
bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by
the bees. Alarmed, he
grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard
as he can, squashing them to death.
this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows
do by now.
He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.
that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another
lion and says
"What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:
brilliant, today we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees"
* * * * * * * *
Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which
contains religion, sex and mystery.
Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant,
I wonder who did it."
* * * * * * * *
Steps to Poo like a Woman
Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own,
regardless of any
stomach pain caused whilst waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean
any residue left on the pan by your
boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubes
off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then
wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people
sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet
paper inside the pan to prevent splash back.
6. Pull panties down and sit.
Some women may still prefer to squat
over the seat as opposed to taking the
risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid
making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made
with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times
positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or
applications per role).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan.
Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times.
It may be necessary to
yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls
to pass through
the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments.
traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband
bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.
15 Easy Steps
to Shit like a Man
1. Select reading material (can be anything except
a porno mag; tried
by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).
Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers
around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably
without touching the
5. Open reading material and relax.
Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first
one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket
up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want
to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set
in to your
legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes
of any irregularities
to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour,
visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper
throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence
of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan,
circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come
away by itself. Or
when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can
use it again
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door
open. It is important to a
man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
* * * * * * * *
An elephant and a camel are talking.
"Why do you have boobs on your back?"
The camel replies,
"Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging
from his face."
* * * * * * * * *
wife came home just in time to find her husband in
bed with another woman.
With super-human strength
borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out
back door, and into the tool shed in the backyard
and put his penis in a vice.
She then secured it
tightly and removed the handle.
she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was
terrified, and screamed, "Stop!
Stop! You're not going
to cut it off, are you?"
wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the
saw in her husband's hand
and said, "Nope. I'm going
to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you
* * * * * * * * *
were two friends drinking in a regular bar. When they were done drinking, both
found out that they had no money to pay for the drinks.
Not knowing what
to do, the first guy said : "I have got an idea! Lets pretend we are gays.
I'll grab a hot dog place it in my crotch and you'll blow on it. Everyone will
think that you are blowing my penis and get disgusted by the scene and turn away.
Then we'll run out without paying!"
The second guy agreed and they
started carrying out thier plan. As predicted, everyone got disgusted and turned
away from them, and they quickly ran out without anyone noticing them.
two guys were amazed by how well their trick worked and decided to visit other
bars and do the same trick for free drinks. they visited eight more bars, did
the same trick and never got caught. They got really drunk and decided to go home.
The second guy said. "Man. I am beat, I had to blow that hot dog
the whole night and my mouth just can't take it anymore."
no, I am beat" The first guy argued. "I lost that hot dog at the second
* * * * * * * *
at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you!
* * * * * * * *
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife
one Friday evening and read's:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her) I am
54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there
was a letter waiting for him as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called
him) I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton
Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant
will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes
* * * * * * * * *
upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He
loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on
him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage
with me carrying on like this!" So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave
up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they
lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because
he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma
of baked beans overwhelmed him.
he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects
before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra
large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted
down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt
wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling,
I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him
promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming
on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She
again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer
she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and
let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing,
so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to
feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rriiipppp"!.
It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging,
he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had
just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his
weight to his other let and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows
shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table
were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hall- way,
and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the
next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom)
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling
contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring
her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!"
his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table
for his surprise birthday party.
* * * * * *
* * *
This large, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks
into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she
to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there
buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the
patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams
his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and
around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit saying,
man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk
slaps his hand down on the bar and says,
"Bartender! I'd like to buy
the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink
the bartender approaches
the little drunk and states, "It's your business
if you want to buy the
lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg
that high has got to be a ballerina!"
* * * * * * * *
Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag?
A: A teabag can stay in the cup for longer.
. 2016 .
of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim". That way it sounds
better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
* * * * * *
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father,
Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers,
Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a womans
breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears,
still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions?
the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry.
his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds
of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man
goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty
and hard. In his 30s and 40s, its like a birch, flexible but reliable. After
his 50s, its like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree?
the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for
* * * * * * *
"Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
"Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
"Great! And what does the cow give you?"
* * * * * *
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After
a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look
up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions
and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered
for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies,
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is
in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small
and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
* * * * * *
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Wife: "What does that mean?"
"Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
"I'm just kidding!"
* * * * * * *
My friend thinks he is smart.
He told me an onion is the only food that
makes you cry,
so I threw a coconut at his face.
* * * * * *
During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement,
the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and
face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a
big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member
of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled
even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically
when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die
and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking
somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off
the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member
of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the
service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it,"
the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this
church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member
of this church," the man replied.
* * *
* * * *
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When
Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about
using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one
Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked
Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care,"
said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill
was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from
* * * * * * *
be racist; be like Mario.
He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese,
speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man,
coins like a Jew!
* * * * * * *
teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so
she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot
one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks,
"Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."
The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny
asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor,
one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting
her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking
her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but
I like how you're thinking!"
* * * * *
Q: Why is Cinderella still a virgin?
A: Because she runs away
from all the balls.
* * * * * * *
mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks
in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few
seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The
daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts
his penis in the mommys vagina. Thats how you get a baby, honey.
The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came
into your room you had daddys penis in your mouth. What do you get when
you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.
* * * * * *
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one
day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy
asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can
your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't
have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The
young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son,
can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then
u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens
a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?"
The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The
old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go
f*ck yourself, these are my chips."
* * * * *
A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking
and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and
says, Look Mama, Im a white boy! His mother smacks him and says,
Go tell your Daddy what you just said! The boy finds his father and
says, Look Daddy, Im a white boy! His Daddy bends him over,
spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, Now, what do you have to say
for yourself? The boy replies, Ive only been a white boy for
five minutes and I already hate you black people!
* * * * * *
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell
'When Jimmy leaves for school today, I'm going to eat that p*ssy
* * * * * * *
was a farmer that was very protective of his three daughters. When they told him
they were going to go out on dates one night, the farmer decided to wait outside
with a shotgun. The first boy arrived for the first daughter, and he said, "Hi,
my name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The farmer decided he was decent enough, and let them go. The second boy arrived
for the second daughter, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo.
We're going to a show. Is she good to go?" Again, the farmer decided he was
decent enough and let them go. Finally, the last boy came, and he said, "Hi,
my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him.
* * * * * *
A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436
people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
. 2015 .
traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut
before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there
was a barber on the premises.
afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall
is a special machine that should serve your purposes."
but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents,
and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and
whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."
not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the
slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need
Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed
and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped
his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since
he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.
seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to
withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
Tom is applying for a job
as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the
inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you
realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
says: "I would switch one train to another track."
if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers
if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal
if the phone was busy?"
that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public
phone near the station".
if that had been vandalized?"
well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle
puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
he's never seen a train crash."
The differences between how
a woman and a man uses a drive-through banking machine.
His and hers ATM
Pull up to ATM
Enter PIN and account
Take cash, card and receipt
Pull up to ATM
Check makeup in rearview mirror
Shut off engine
Put keys in purse
Get out of car because you're too far from machine
Hunt for card in purse
Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN written on it
Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
Re-enter correct PIN
Look for envelope
Look in purse for pen
Make out deposit slip
Make cash withdrawal
Get in car
Look for keys
Start pulling away
Back up to machine
Get out of car
Take card and receipt
Get back in car
Put card in wallet
Put receipt in checkbook
Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
Put car in gear, reverse
Put car in drive
Drive away from machine
Travel 3 miles
Release parking brake
> > The Queen was visiting
one of London's top hospitals and she specified
> > she wanted to see
> > During her tour of the floors she passed
a room where a male patient was masturbating.
> > "Oh my",
said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
> > The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty,
> > but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following
> > His body produces too much semen and his testicles
> > Until we can find out exactly what is causing
> > problem he has been instructed to do that at least 5 times
> > or there is a very real danger that his testicles will explode,
> > he would die instantly."
> > "Oh, I am
so sorry", said the Queen.
> > On the next floor they passed a
room where a nubile young nurse was
> > giving a patient a blow job.
>> "Oh my", said the Queen,"What's happening in there?"
> > The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA."
was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him
into his office.He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack
or Barb would have to be laid off.
looked at mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, butJack has a wife
and three kids. I don't know who to fire."
tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow"
Mr. Smith replied.
next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up.Barb was the first
to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."
What's wrong?" Barb replied.
you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this
particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with
a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that
wise student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:
"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
Snow was in the forecast and the TV weather gal
said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, "Fat chance
with a face like that!"
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If
I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked
for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for
a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would
you ask if I was Polish?"
assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you
ask me if I'm Irish?"
assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time
we make love, I get splinters."
So, Pinocchio went back to his maker,
Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter,
"that's what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home.
A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again.
you getting along with the girls now?" , "Who needs girls?" replied
Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*.
If you don't
believe it, consider these weird deaths:
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a
Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window,
climb out and swim to
shore -- where a tree blew over and killed
Mike Stewart, 31,
of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the
dangers of low-level bridges
when the truck he was standing on
passed under a low-level bridge -- killing
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was
afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to
cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused
fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly
escaped death when
a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one
wall. After treatment for
minor injuries, he returned to the scene
to search for files. The remaining
wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
Depressed since he could not
find a job, 42-year-old Romolo
Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy,
with a gun in his hand
threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded
for him not
to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw
gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
In 1983, a
Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in
her coffin, presumed dead
of heart disease. As mourners watched,
she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped
dead of fright.
A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured,
back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend
he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled
crushed him to death.
Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium,
a thief fled
out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down
found himself in the city prison.
In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old
Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing
the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when
he was struck by a taxi and
flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and,
as Finnegan lay
stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him
gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine
the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd,
its wake three injured bystanders and an even more
battered Bob Finnegan.
When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd
wisely scattered and only one
person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the
space of two minutes Finnegan suffered
a fractured skull, broken
pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries.
said he would recover.
While motorcycling through
the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti
came up to a railway line just as
the crossing gates were coming
down. While he sat idling, he was joined by
a farmer with a goat,
which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few
a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order
a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing,
the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be
Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head.
In consequence the horse's
owner jumped down from his cart and began
scuffling with the motorcyclist.
The horse, which was not up to
this sort of excitement, backed away briskly,
smashing the cart into
the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped
out of his
car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify
the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and
was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies
were still trying to
sort out the claims.
Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal
in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was
his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the
moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they
together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head
injuries. Their cars
In a classic case of one thing leading to another,
seven men aged
eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to
years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that
started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they
waiting for a train.
Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his
nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built
elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When
his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a
came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses,
seized the opportunity
to loot the place. As she was leaving the
room, her arms laden, the outraged
and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her
stoutly in the backside. This so surprised
the lady that she
dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted
manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
English woman, according to the Sunday Express
was climbing into the bathtub
one afternoon when she
remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked,
downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise
the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in
leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer
the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments
later she heard the
back door open and, to her eternal mortification,
the sound of footsteps coming
toward the cupboard. It was the man
from the gas company, come to read the
meter. "Oh," stammered the
woman, "I was expecting the baker."
The gas man blinked, excused
himself and departed.
Is it REALLY bad luck to meet a black cat?
If you're a mouse!
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously
for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a
and began to shovel dirt into the well.
first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then,
everyone's amazement he quieted down.
few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was
at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the
doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step
the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed
the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting
of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles
a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not
never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
of that crap . . .
donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried
bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually
died in agony from septic shock.
FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you.
A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to put
> my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off." he replies.
> "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I
get my husband."
The bloke apologises and says he will never do it again.
The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.
"I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your
arse cheeks and lick it off." he replies.
> "What???" screams
the barmaid, "That's it, you're barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard,
GET OUT NOW!"
> Once again the bloke apologises, and says he will
never, ever do it
> "Right. I'll give you one last
chance," says the barmaid, "now, what do you want?"
want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink
it all out of you."
> The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs
to her husband, who is
> sitting down watching the telly.
up, love?" says the husband.
> "There's this disgusting bloke
downstairs! When I asked him what he
> wanted, he said that he wanted too
put his head between my tits and lick the
> sweat off." she says in
a flood of tears.
> "What?! He's a dead man!" shouts the husband
getting out of his chair.
> "Then he said he wanted to pull down my
knickers spread cottage cheese
> between my arse cheeks and lick it off!"
screams the wife.
> "Right, he's going to need a body bag the bastard!"
shouts the husband
> rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness
and drink it out of me" she concludes.
> When he hears this the husband
puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.
you going to do something?!!" shouts the wife in hysterics
love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness..."
Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit. The bear was taking a shit in
the woods when he asked the rabbit if he had problems with shit sticking to its
fur. The rabbit said no so the bear quickly snatched up the rabbit and wiped his
> ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS RECORDED AND
> VERIFIED BY THE WORLD FAMOUS
INTERNATIONAL INSTITUTE OF ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS:
>1. My wife
and I can't come to the phone right now, but if
> you'll leave your name
and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is
> why we're not
here. So, leave a message.
>3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone
company, I already
> sent the money. If you are my parents, please send
money. If you are my
> financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you are my
> friends, you owe me money. If you are a female,
don't worry, I have
> plenty of money.
>4. Hi. Now you say
>5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine
> you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
>7. Hello! If
you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you
> leave a "sexy"
message, I'll call sooner.
>8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken.
This is his
> refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
> myself with one of these magnets.
>9. Hello, you
are talking to a machine. I am capable of
> receiving messages. My owners
do not need siding, windows or a hot tub,
> and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office
> and do not need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your
> name and number and they will
get back to you.
>10. This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic
> thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
> number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
>11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
> Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
> right now. Leave
a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning
> our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
home and it's safe to leave a message.
>14. Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to
> remain silent. Everything you say will
be recorded and will be used by us.
>15. Hello, you've reached Jim
and Sonya. We can't pick up the
> phone right now, because we're doing
something we really enjoy. Sonya
> likes doing it up and down, and I like
doing it left to right... real
> slowly. So leave a message, and when we're
done brushing our teeth we'll
> get back to you.
Three men were standing in
line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though,
so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full
today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"
the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been
cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As
I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all
my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.
Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging
off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started
beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering
on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell
-- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't
stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over
the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and
anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again
asks for his story.
been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building,
and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must
have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and
caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang
on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on
the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started
pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into
the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going
to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."
again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven
was full and asked for his story.
this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
A dick is like a rubic cube... the more you play with it, the harder it gets!
Company Buzz Words:
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing
why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone
who doesn't work out obsessively.
Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.
Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving
the top brass with clean hands.
Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's
heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to
stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property,
and no regrets.
Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic
strip is worn away from extensive use.
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We
had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference
to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone
on shooting rampages.
Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work
group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing
up to the boss rather than working hard.
and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure
out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company
or department soon.
job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order
to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable
to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work
Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing
computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President.
Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also
Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys
for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously
pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for
what happened?" asked his friend.
first guy replies, " I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
. 2014 .
Sunday school teacher was telling her class about the difference between
"All right children, let's take another example," she
said. "If I were to
get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with
all his money, what would
A little girl raised her hand, and
said, "You'd be his wife."
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.
He picks it
up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In
return I will
grant you three wishes."
man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly
what I want.
First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank
There is a flash of light and a piece of paper
with account numbers appears
in his hand.
continues, "Next, I
want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
There is a flash
of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right
next to him.
continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
.. There is a flash
of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr.
Benson looked out the window.
lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly
the aircraft was
rocked by a second blast as yet another engine
exploded on the other side.
passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses
order. Just then, standing tall and smiling
confidently, the pilot strode
from the cockpit and assured
everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
His words and his
demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better,
sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.
There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began
them to the flight attendants.
crew member attached the package to their backs.
spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
pilot said they were.
passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing
isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
to get help."
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
100 people who don't do dick.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted
was for Santa to fill them.
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true because every Christmas
morning, although Jay's kids'
stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose
empty and grew increasingly threadbare.
year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
sunglasses and a fake
beard and went in search of an
inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't
things at Wal-mart.
had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've
never been in an X-rated
store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours
things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!"
"Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"
I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated
for a night of romance that could also substitute as
passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane during rush hour.
I'm not sure what a complicated
one that is subject to wild mood shifts and
using a French accent for no
reason at all. (That also
describes a few ex-girlfriends.)
what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in
many different models. The
top of the line, according to
the side of the box, could do things I'd only
seen in a
book on animal husbandry.
figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could
so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was
at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a
"doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan
and cleverly left the front door key
hidden under the mat.
In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come
gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a
nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went
home, and giggled
for a couple of hours.
next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
been to his house and
left a present that had made him
VERY happy but had left the dog confused.
He would bark,
start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover
also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the
family could admire her when they
came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner. It seemed
like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and
Grandpa would be there.
grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in
the door. "What
the hell is that?" she asked.
brother quickly explained. "It's a doll."
would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
are her clothes?"
continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept
this information to myself.
that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying
to steer her into
the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have
answered, but why would
I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance
on Granny, Hang on!"
grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and
said," Hey, who's the naked gal by
told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I
noticed Grandpa by the
mantel, talking to Louise. Not just
talking, but actually flirting. It was
then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
who had died, who was
dying, and who should be killed,
when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded
like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
from the panty hose, flew around the room twice,
and fell in a heap in front
of the sofa.
cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,
and Grandpa ran across
the room, fell to his knees, and
began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.
brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
stomped out of the
room, and sat in the car.
was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the
cause of Louise's collapse. We
discovered that Louise had suffered from a
hot ember to
the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect
went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out
of the house.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Three Jewish men arrive in NYC from Europe and decide to meet again
years to see how they all made out in America.
Twenty years pass-----
The first man asks the second: "Nu? How did you do"? He replies:
"Well, you know when I came to this country I had no idea vat to do
myself to make a living. So I looked at my last name.
Goldstein. So I went
into the GOLD business. And OY, did I make a
to the next man and asks: "Nu? How 'bout you"? He says,
like you I had no idea vat I vas going to do in this vast
country to make
a living, so I to took my last name. Silverberg.
So I went into the Silver
business. And oy, did I make a FORTUNE!"
they both turned to the last man to ask: "And you? Vat happened
So the third man said: "Well, I too had no idea how I vas going to
make a living here in America, so I looked at my last name. Tailor.
dats no good. I never make money as a tailor. So, I went
to Shul and prayed.
I said, God, if you make me a wealthy man, I
promise to make You my partner."
The others asked,"So vat happened?"
The man replied: "Vats
da matter? You never heard of LORD &
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest
The blonde, because she's 18.
"CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:...."
over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding
Too bad no one likes your wife."
could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell
until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky
that you're not here to ruin it for me."
you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've
Like the need for therapy"
"Thanks for being a part of
I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of
You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope
to get married............
but not to you."
great for your age.......
were together, you always said you'd die for
Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your
knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you..................
like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
If a kid
asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is,
"Probably because of something you did."
"FEMALE PERSPECTIVE ON EXERCISING...."
only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
Apparently the gimmick is you have to show up.
have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would
them further up our body.
like long walks, especially when people who annoy me take them.
grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's
and we don't know where the heck she is.
have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
Why do men find
it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the
priest about confession.
"I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you sit with me on
my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one
A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for I have
sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on
husband." "How many times?" "Three times." "Well,"
said the priest,
"Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering
woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?" "Three times." Again the priest said, "Say
Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box." Then the priest
to the rabbi, "would you like to do the next confession?" The
started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy."
another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have
This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on
my husband." "How many times?" The woman said, "Twice."
rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today."
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
25 GOOD REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. You can enjoy a beer
all month long
2. Beer stains wash out
3. You don't have to wine and dine
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you
5. When you beer goes flat, you toss it out
7. A beer lables come off without a fight
8. Beer is never late
9. Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
10. When you go to
a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
11. Beer never gets a headache
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
13. A beer
won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
14. If you pour a beer
right, you'll always get good head
15. A beer always goes down easy
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
17. You can share
a beer with your friends
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a
19. Beer is always wet
20. Beer doesn't demand equality
can have a beer in public
22. A beer doesn't care when you come
frigid beer is a good beer
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it taste
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony
REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
1. A beer makes life easier.
A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
3. A beer lasts longer than seven
4. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
5. A beer won't
expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
6. A beer will never leave
dirty socks on the floor.
7. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet
spot IT makes.
8. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
9. A beer doesn't
mind when your mother visits.
10. A beer does as many chores as a man, with
a LOT less complaining.
11. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
12. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
13. You don't have to
worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
14. Having a beer can't make
15. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
16. A beer will never smell like a man.
17. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade
you in on a sports car.
18. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love
it more than you.
19. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
20. A beer doesn't sulk.
21. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
22. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
23. A beer doesn't have to sleep with
the windows open.
24. A beer doesn't snore.
25. A beer can't interrupt.
26. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
27. A beer
doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
28. A beer doesn't belch.
29. Or fart.
30. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
31. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
32. A good
beer is easy to find.
33. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
A beer can't pout.
35. A beer doesn't have a mother.
36. A beer doesn't
have friends who will drink your beer.
37. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented
38. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
beer won't even mind if you have another six pack.
40. A beer doesn't buy
everything labelled "turbo".
41. A beer won't care if you gain five
42. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
43. A beer
doesn't want children.
44. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
beer isn't ready until you're ready.
46. If the beer is finished before you
are, you can have another beer.
47. A beer can't talk about the women who
had it before you.
48. Hangovers go away.
49. A beer tastes good.
50. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
51. A beer would
never leave hair in the bottom of the bathtub.
52. A beer is never late.
53. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
55. A beer won't think
less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
56. A beer won't
even act amazed if you can.
57. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
58. A beer never needs a shave.
59. You don't have to let a beer win.
60. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
61. Because you
have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too.
A beer doesn't have morning breath.
63. A beer never wants to go to the drag
64. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
65. A beer
helps with the houswork.
66. A beer will never drink the last beer.
A beer will never fumble with your bra.
68. You can't get herpes from a beer.
69. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
71. A beer is seldom
72. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
73. After you've had a beer, all you're committed to doing is throwing out the
74. A beer container is recyclable.
75. A beer wouldn't mind
if you wanted it to wear a condom.
76. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe".
77. A beer is never tempermental.
78. A beer will
never complain about your cooking.
79. A cold beer is a good beer.
A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
81. A beer will never
worry about losing its hair.
82. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
A beer is never too sensitive.
84. A beer won't steal the covers.
You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
86. A beer won't mind at all if
you're not in the mood for beer.