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** FebrUary . 2017 . JoKes **

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:
they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.
* * * * * * * * *
5 Kinds of Sex

1.The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon
period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2.The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3.The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4.The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each
other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

5.There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you
get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the
room.....
* * * * * * * * *
10 things that you say at the office that sound dirty, but aren't:

1. I need you to whip it out by 5:00.
2. Mind if I use your laptop?
3. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
4. Put it in my box before I leave.
5. I want it on my desk NOW!
6. Hmmm. . . . I think it's out of fluid.
7. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
8. It's an entry-level position.
9. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
10. It's not fair. . . I do all the work while he just sits back!
* * * * * * * * *
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
* * * * * * * * *
A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on.
They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears
one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, lady," said the man. "I try to teacha my frienda to spell Mississippi."
* * * * * * * * *
So you want the day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days. Leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period daily, you have used up another 46 days leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We offer 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves you only l day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!
* * * * * * * * *
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
* * * * * * * * *
Funny Anagrams:
> >
> > David Ginola
> > Vagina dildo
> >
> > Teddy Sheringham
> > Teddy Minge rash
> >
> > Ossie Ardiles
> > Arse is soiled
> >
> > Diego Maradona
> > O dear, I'm a gonad
> >
> > Tony Blair PM
> > I'm Tory plan B
> >
> > Virginia Bottomley
> > I'm an evil Tory bigot
> >
> > Michael Heseltine
> > Elect him, he's alien
> >
> > David Mellor
> > Dildo marvel
> >
> > Dame Agatha Christie
> > I am a right death case
> >
> > The Metropolitan Police Force
> > I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
> >
> > Benson and Hedges
> > NHS been a godsend
> >
> > Selina Scott
> > Elastic snot
> >
> > Mel Gibson
> > Big melons
> >
> > Gloria Estefan
> > Large fat noise
> >
> > Chris Rea
> > Rich arse
> >
> > Martina Navratilova
> > Variant rival to a man
> >
> > Gabriela Sabatini
> > Insatiable airbag
> >
> > Irritable Bowel Syndrome
> > O my terrible drains below
> >
> > Evangelist
> > Evil's Agent
> >
> > Desperation
> > A Rope Ends It
> >
> > The Morse Code
> > Here Come Dots
> >
> > Mother-in-law
> > Woman Hitler
> >
> > Semolina
> > Is No Meal
> >
> > A Decimal Point
> > I'm a Dot in Place
> >
> > Eleven plus two
> > Twelve plus one
> >
> > President Clinton, of the USA
> > To copulate, he finds interns
> >
> > Motorway Service Station
> > I eat coronary vomit stews.
* * * * * * * * *
One fine Sunday afternoon a couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year" Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back,"Sure, once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!"
* * * * * * * * *
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
* * * * * * * * *
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him.
He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish
to death with a spade.

Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to
find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving
the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything.
So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.

He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house.
He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at
him. Un-amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade,
killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do?
He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything.
He hurls them into the lion's cage.

Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from
South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by
the bees. Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard
as he can, squashing them to death.
By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows
what to do by now.
He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another
lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:

"Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees"
* * * * * * * * *
Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.
Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."
* * * * * * * * *
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Woman
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own,
regardless of any stomach pain caused whilst waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your
boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have
sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat
over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to
positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six
applications per role).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to
yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through
the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is
traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband
and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.

15 Easy Steps to Shit like a Man
1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porno mag; tried
by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always
tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the
toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your
legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities
to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any
visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper
before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no
circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or
when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can
use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a
man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
* * * * * * * * *
An elephant and a camel are talking.
The elephant asks,
"Why do you have boobs on your back?"
The camel replies,
"Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."
* * * * * * * * *
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in
bed with another woman. With super-human strength
borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out
the back door, and into the tool shed in the backyard
and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it
tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was
terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going
to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the
saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going
to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."
* * * * * * * * *
There were two friends drinking in a regular bar. When they were done drinking, both found out that they had no money to pay for the drinks.

Not knowing what to do, the first guy said : "I have got an idea! Lets pretend we are gays. I'll grab a hot dog place it in my crotch and you'll blow on it. Everyone will think that you are blowing my penis and get disgusted by the scene and turn away. Then we'll run out without paying!"

The second guy agreed and they started carrying out thier plan. As predicted, everyone got disgusted and turned away from them, and they quickly ran out without anyone noticing them.

The two guys were amazed by how well their trick worked and decided to visit other bars and do the same trick for free drinks. they visited eight more bars, did the same trick and never got caught. They got really drunk and decided to go home.

The second guy said. "Man. I am beat, I had to blow that hot dog the whole night and my mouth just can't take it anymore."
"NO no no, I am beat" The first guy argued. "I lost that hot dog at the second bar!"

* * * * * * * * *

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you!
* * * * * * * * *
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read's:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!
* * * * * * * * *
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this!" So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rriiipppp"!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other let and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hall- way, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
* * * * * * * * *
This large, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points
to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will
buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and
points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit saying,
"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says,
"Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink the bartender approaches
the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the
lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg
up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
* * * * * * * * *
Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag?
A: A teabag can stay in the cup for longer.

** FebrUary . 2016 . JoKes **

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim". That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
* * * * * * *
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
* * * * * * *
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
* * * * * * *
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
* * * * * * *
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
* * * * * * *
My friend thinks he is smart.
He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,
so I threw a coconut at his face.
* * * * * * *
During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.
* * * * * * *
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
* * * * * * *
Do not be racist; be like Mario.
He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese,
speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man,
and grabs coins like a Jew!
* * * * * * *
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
* * * * * * *
Q: Why is Cinderella still a virgin?
A: Because she runs away from all the balls.
* * * * * * *
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
* * * * * * *
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."
* * * * * * *
A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
* * * * * * *
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy,
'When Jimmy leaves for school today, I'm going to eat that p*ssy !'"
* * * * * * *
Once there was a farmer that was very protective of his three daughters. When they told him they were going to go out on dates one night, the farmer decided to wait outside with a shotgun. The first boy arrived for the first daughter, and he said, "Hi, my name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer decided he was decent enough, and let them go. The second boy arrived for the second daughter, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she good to go?" Again, the farmer decided he was decent enough and let them go. Finally, the last boy came, and he said, "Hi, my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him.
* * * * * * *
A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

** FebrUary . 2015 . JoKes **

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
********************
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."
********************
The differences between how a woman and a man uses a drive-through banking machine.
His and hers ATM usage explained...

HIS

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt

 

HER

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN written on it

9. Enter PIN

10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. STOP

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in gear, reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Travel 3 miles

41. Release parking brake
********************
> > The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified
> > she wanted to see absolutely everything.
> > During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
> > "Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
> > The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty,
> > but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors' orders.
> > His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling.
> > Until we can find out exactly what is causing this
> > problem he has been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day
> > or there is a very real danger that his testicles will explode, and
> > he would die instantly."
> > "Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.
> > On the next floor they passed a room where a nubile young nurse was
> > giving a patient a blow job.
>> "Oh my", said the Queen,"What's happening in there?"
> > The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA."

********************
Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.

Dave looked at mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, butJack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."

"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.

The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up.Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."

"Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.

"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."
********************
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A wise student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
********************
Snow was in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"

********************
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

...

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
********************
Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters."
So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that's what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home.
A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again.
"How are you getting along with the girls now?" , "Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio.
********************
Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*.
If you don't believe it, consider these weird deaths:

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a
river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window,
climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed
him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the
dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on
passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so
afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to
cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused
Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly
escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one
wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene
to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo
Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand
threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not
to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the
gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in
her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched,
she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay
back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend
he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled
forward and crushed him to death.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled
out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and
found himself in the city prison.

In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing
the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and
flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay
stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the
gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine
the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd,
leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more
battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd
wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the
space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken
pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials
said he would recover.

While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti
came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming
down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat,
which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later
a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by
a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing,
the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be
trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head.
In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began
scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to
this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into
the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his
car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify
the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and
his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies
were still trying to sort out the claims.

Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision
in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding
his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the
moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they
smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head
injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged
eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four
years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that
started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they
stood waiting for a train.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant
nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an
elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When
his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a
neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses,
seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the
room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her
stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she
dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of
manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

An unidentified English woman, according to the Sunday Express
was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she
remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed
downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at
the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in
and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer
his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments
later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification,
the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man
from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the
woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused
himself and departed.

********************
Is it REALLY bad luck to meet a black cat?
Yes … If you're a mouse!
********************
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously
for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up
anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a
shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then,
to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was
astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the
donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step
up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed
as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting
out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles
is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not
stopping, never giving up!


Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried
to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually
died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you.
********************
A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to put
> my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off." he replies.
> "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologises and says he will never do it again.
The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.
"I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off." he replies.
> "What???" screams the barmaid, "That's it, you're barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, GET OUT NOW!"
> Once again the bloke apologises, and says he will never, ever do it
> again.
> "Right. I'll give you one last chance," says the barmaid, "now, what do you want?"
> "I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink
> it all out of you."
> The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is
> sitting down watching the telly.
> "What's up, love?" says the husband.
> "There's this disgusting bloke downstairs! When I asked him what he
> wanted, he said that he wanted too put his head between my tits and lick the
> sweat off." she says in a flood of tears.
> "What?! He's a dead man!" shouts the husband getting out of his chair.
> "Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage cheese
> between my arse cheeks and lick it off!" screams the wife.
> "Right, he's going to need a body bag the bastard!" shouts the husband
> rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me" she concludes.
> When he hears this the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.
> "Aren't you going to do something?!!" shouts the wife in hysterics
> "Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness..."
********************
Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit. The bear was taking a shit in the woods when he asked the rabbit if he had problems with shit sticking to its fur. The rabbit said no so the bear quickly snatched up the rabbit and wiped his ass.
********************
> ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS RECORDED AND
> VERIFIED BY THE WORLD FAMOUS INTERNATIONAL INSTITUTE OF ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS:

>1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if
> you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

>2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is
> why we're not here. So, leave a message.

>3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already
> sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
> financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my
> friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have
> plenty of money.

>4. Hi. Now you say something.

>5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so
> you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

>6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

>7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you
> leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

>8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
> refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to
> myself with one of these magnets.

>9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
> receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub,
> and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office
> and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your
> name and number and they will get back to you.

>10. This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic
> thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
> number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

>11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
> Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

>12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
> right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

>13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning
> our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
> aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

>14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
> remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

>15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the
> phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
> likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real
> slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll
> get back to you.
********************
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
********************
A dick is like a rubic cube... the more you play with it, the harder it gets!
********************
Company Buzz Words:

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

********************
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, " I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

** FebrUary . 2014 . JoKes **

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class about the difference between
right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to
get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would
I be?"
A little girl raised her hand, and said, "You'd be his wife."
*********
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
*********
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.
He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In
return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly
what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank
account."

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper
with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I
want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

Poof! There is a flash
of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
Poof! ..
There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
*********
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
*********
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr.
Benson looked out the window.

"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly
the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine
exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses
couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling
confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured
everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his
demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they
sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.
There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began
handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing
to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."
*********
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
100 people who don't do dick.
*********
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted
was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'
stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly
empty and grew increasingly threadbare.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an
inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those
things at Wal-mart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've
never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying
things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!"
"Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable
for a night of romance that could also substitute as
a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated
doll is.

Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and
using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also
describes a few ex-girlfriends.)

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in
many different models. The top of the line, according to
the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a
book on animal husbandry.

I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could
live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was
at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a
"doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan
and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat.
In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and
gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty
hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a
nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled
for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
been to his house and left a present that had made him
VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark,
start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover
straight.

We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they
came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed
like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and
Grandpa would be there.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in
the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?"

Granny continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept
this information to myself.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying
to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have
answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang
on Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by
the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I
noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just
talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed,
when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot
like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice,
and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,
and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and
began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.

My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We
discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to
the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect
health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out
of the house.
*********
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
*********
Three Jewish men arrive in NYC from Europe and decide to meet again
in twenty years to see how they all made out in America.
Twenty years pass-----
The first man asks the second: "Nu? How did you do"? He replies:
"Well, you know when I came to this country I had no idea vat to do
with myself to make a living. So I looked at my last name.
Goldstein. So I went into the GOLD business. And OY, did I make a
FORTUNE!"
He turns to the next man and asks: "Nu? How 'bout you"? He says,
"Well like you I had no idea vat I vas going to do in this vast
country to make a living, so I to took my last name. Silverberg.
So I went into the Silver business. And oy, did I make a FORTUNE!"

So they both turned to the last man to ask: "And you? Vat happened
to you?"
So the third man said: "Well, I too had no idea how I vas going to
make a living here in America, so I looked at my last name. Tailor.
I said, dats no good. I never make money as a tailor. So, I went
to Shul and prayed. I said, God, if you make me a wealthy man, I
promise to make You my partner."
The others asked,"So vat happened?"
The man replied: "Vats da matter? You never heard of LORD &
TAYLOR ????????
*********
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
*********
"CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:...."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've
given me...........
Like the need for therapy"

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you."

"You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for
me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your
promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
best friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
*********
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,
"God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is,
"Probably because of something you did."
*********
"FEMALE PERSPECTIVE ON EXERCISING...."

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently the gimmick is you have to show up.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would
have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when people who annoy me take them.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's
89 now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
*********
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
*********
A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the
priest about confession.
"I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you sit with me on
my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one
will ever know.
A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for I have
sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my
husband." "How many times?" "Three times." "Well," said the priest,
"Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box."

Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?" "Three times." Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail
Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box." Then the priest said
to the rabbi, "would you like to do the next confession?" The rabbi
started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy."

So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have
sinned." This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on
my husband." "How many times?" The woman said, "Twice." Then the
rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today."

*********

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
*********
25 GOOD REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long
2. Beer stains wash out
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball
5. When you beer goes flat, you toss it out
6. Hangovers go away
7. A beer lables come off without a fight
8. Beer is never late
9. Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
11. Beer never gets a headache
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head
15. A beer always goes down easy
16. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
17. You can share a beer with your friends
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
19. Beer is always wet
20. Beer doesn't demand equality
21. You can have a beer in public
22. A beer doesn't care when you come
23. A frigid beer is a good beer
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it taste good
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony

AND

86 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
1. A beer makes life easier.
2. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
3. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
4. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
5. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
6. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
7. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
8. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
9. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
10. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
11. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
12. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
13. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
14. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
15. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
16. A beer will never smell like a man.
17. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
18. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
19. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
20. A beer doesn't sulk.
21. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
22. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
23. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
24. A beer doesn't snore.
25. A beer can't interrupt.
26. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
27. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
28. A beer doesn't belch.
29. Or fart.
30. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
31. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
32. A good beer is easy to find.
33. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
34. A beer can't pout.
35. A beer doesn't have a mother.
36. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
37. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
38. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
39. A beer won't even mind if you have another six pack.
40. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
41. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
42. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
43. A beer doesn't want children.
44. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
45. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
46. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
47. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
48. Hangovers go away.
49. A beer tastes good.
50. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
51. A beer would never leave hair in the bottom of the bathtub.
52. A beer is never late.
53. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
54. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
55. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
56. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
57. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
58. A beer never needs a shave.
59. You don't have to let a beer win.
60. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
61. Because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too.
62. A beer doesn't have morning breath.
63. A beer never wants to go to the drag races.
64. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
65. A beer helps with the houswork.
66. A beer will never drink the last beer.
67. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
68. You can't get herpes from a beer.
69. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
70. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
71. A beer is seldom messy.
72. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
73. After you've had a beer, all you're committed to doing is throwing out the container.
74. A beer container is recyclable.
75. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
76. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
77. A beer is never tempermental.
78. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
79. A cold beer is a good beer.
80. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
81. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
82. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
83. A beer is never too sensitive.
84. A beer won't steal the covers.
85. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
86. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.

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