VERY FUNNY JOKES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons,
round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?""Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
* * * * * * * * *
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Arlington !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
* * * * * * * * *
Christmas is truly a magical time.
Your money disappears into thin air.
* * * * * * * * *
'Waiter - There's a Fly in My Champagne'

A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.

The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'
* * * * * * * * *
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
* * * * * * * * *
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
* * * * * * * * *
A FEW IRISH JOKES
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
* * * * * * * * *
Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. 'How much is this gold tinsel garland'.

The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre'.

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.

She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, 'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'
* * * * * * * *
A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent's house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"
* * * * * * * * *
Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"I haven't added them up yet."
* * * * * * * * *
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
* * * * * * * * *
CLEVER CHINESE DOCTOR
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
* * * * * * * * *
A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.’
* * * * * * * * *
Inner Strength
· If you can start the day without caffeine.
· If you can get going without pep pills.
· If you can always be cheerful ignoring aches and pains.
· If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.
· If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.
· If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.
· If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when through no fault of yours something goes wrong.
· If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.
· If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him.
· If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend.
· If you can face the world without lies and deceit.
· If you can conquer tension without medical help.
· If you can relax without liquor.
· If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.
· .....Then you are probably the family dog!
* * * * * * * * *
It was Christmas Eve and a cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

* * * * * * * * *
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.

* If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would have been certified

* Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious they would never catch on.

* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.

* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

* Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning."

* The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties …. elbows.
* * * * * * * * *
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
* * * * * * * * *
Christmas carolers sing about peace on earth,
But they don't tell us where.
* * * * * * * * *
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
* * * * * * * * * *
The doctor said, ' Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
* * * * * * * * *
Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check."

"By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"
* * * * * * * * *
Q: What do a Christmas tree & priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TRUE STORY OUT OF N.Z.

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ex PM Gordon Brown is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.
He greets one ... The patient replies:

The ex-PM is even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, he moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,

Now seriously troubled, Brown turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
* * * * * * * * * * *
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired U. S.
Marine, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes, I do. You wore that same
negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?"
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the
life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. Now, it's fifty
years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say
tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said, " Mission accomplished!"
* * * * * * * * * * *
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a min...ute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into thecar to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ..... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
* * * * * * * * * * *
GOD AND THE BIKER

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want'.

The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking;
the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

Finally, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Mary is the proprietor of a bar in Dublin. She realises that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronise her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Mary’s “drink now, pay later” marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Mary’s bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Dublin.
By providing her customers’ freedom from immediate payment demands, Mary gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Mary’s gross sales volume increases massively. A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Mary’s borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into Drinkbonds and Alkibonds. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naïve investors don’t really understand that the securities being sold to them as ‘AAA’ secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation’s leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Mary’s bar. He so informs Mary. Mary then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Mary cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, Drinkbonds and Alkibonds drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank’s liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community. The suppliers of Mary’s bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms’ pension funds in the various Bond securities. They find they are now faced with having to write-off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion euro no-strings-attached cash infusion from their cronies in government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Mary’s bar.
* * * * * * * * * * *
BALLS
A man entered the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked:

For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

THEY NEVER HEARD: 'WHERE'S THE BEEF?', 'I'D WALK A MILE FOR A CAMEL ', OR 'DE PLANE BOSS, DE PLANE'.

'OLD' IS WHEN…Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN… 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN…You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Beer contains female hormones
Last month; Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ....nomattah...all same
* * * * * * * * * * * *
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same
stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Clever guy!)

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

(1) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10
* * * * * * * * * * *
The cremated husband
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Well, here it comes."
* * * * * * * * * * *
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Tis me, ...................... I've

Quit Drinking !"
******************
Julie Andrews Turns 70 , this is brilliant!

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan bsp;'s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favourite Things' from the legendary
movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
> > > > > >

(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things...

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
> > > > > > >
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

A big thanks to John M, John P, Mike, Mick, Melanie, Jenny, Bubba, Kat, Sally, Vicky, Jack, Billy and the anons for the above funnies!!

Any Send us anything FUNNY!! PLEASE email them for everyone to share

A big "thankyou" to everyone who has sent me the above jokes!

ADD US TO YOUR FAVOURITES AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT US