The Husband Store!!

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is
a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The thi rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

* * * * * * * * *
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, silver and bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly.

The wife responds "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

* * * * * * * * *
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no Number 9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a Number 9 on this list

* * * * * * * * *
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.
These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district.
Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

* * * * * * * * *
WIN 2 AIRLINE TICKETS ALL EXPENSES PAID TO THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES IN
PEKING , CHINA .

To participate is very easy, just open the photo,
correctly answer the following questions and
send your answers to the International Olympic Committee:

1. Which student seems to appear tired/sleepy?
2. Which ones are male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group?
5. Which one is the teacher?

Good Luck

* * * * * * * * *
NURSERY RHYMES OF THE FUTURE

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The structure of the wall was incorrect

He got five thousdand quid from Claims Direct.
****
It's Raining, It's Pouring.

Oh shit, it's Global Warming.
****
Mary had a little lamb

her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her

between two chunks of bread.
****
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man

"What have u got there?"

Said the pie man unto Simon

Pies you dickhead.
****
Mary had a little lamb

it ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse

and turned its wool to nylon.
****
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie

kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play

he kissed them too cause he was gay.
****
Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And planned to do some kissing.

Jack made a pass

and grabbed her ass

Now two of his teeth are missing.
****
Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white and wispy.

Then along came Foot and Mouth Disease

And now it's black and crispy.

* * * * * * * * *
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all
the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl
with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about
anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a
girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up
with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling
on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable
as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very
energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with
some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her.

She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I
owned.

I am now older and wiser and looking for a girl with big tits

* * * * * * * * *
"True" Friendship (None of that Sissy Crap) Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces - Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the fucking bastard who upset you.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you got a shag.
4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you about it, every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit fucking whingeing.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point at you and laugh my fucking arse off.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. Why? you may ask; Because you are my friend.Friendship is like shitting your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, Then get depressed because you can only think of 2

* * * * * * * * *
3 Aussie blokes, Steve Dave and Bruce are working on a high rise building.

Steve loses his footing and falls to his death.

The other two have to decide who will break the news to his missus.

Dave decides he'll do it as he's pretty good at that caring sentimental stuff and off he trots.

3 hours later he's back with a crate of Stella under his arm.

"Where'd you get that mate?" asks Bruce

"Steve's missus gave me it"

"So you told her that her husband was dead, and she gave you a crate of Stella!!"

"Well, not exactly when she opened the door I said hi, you must be Steve's widow.

She said she wasn't a widow and I said ......

I bet you a crate of Stella you are"

* * * * * * * * *
The Saw Mill

Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing.
So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising.
And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

And Bill comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag
and he suffocated.'

* * * * * * * * *
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room watching a programme about old age.
I said to her, ' I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine to keep me alive and taking fluids directly from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug'.

She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

* * * * * * * * *
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how
is everything going?' enquired God. 'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied.
'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one
problem.
It is these three breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the
other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them
on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came
in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only
two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.
'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you
know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half
of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And
God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see
all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.
All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'you know, Eve, you are right. How could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a
man from a part of you. Now let's see............
where did I put that useless tit?

* * * * * * * * *
Just before our first long deployment, two Navy buddies and I were
talking about the stress of leaving our families.
A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard our
conversation and offered the following advice:
"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he
said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"

* * December '06 JoKes * *

A little boy wanted $50 so badly to buy his Mom a special Christmas present, so he prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was so delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $45.00.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my 'old man' could nearly touch the floor." .. the crocodile bit off his legs.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Max, a lonely widow, was walking home along Broadway wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting at him: "Hey, you, Mister, why don't you come in and buy me?" Max rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Max by the sleeve.
"Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Max stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "You speak English?" The parrot answered: "What did you think, Chinese?"

In a matter of moments, Max had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot, talking about his lonely life. The Parrot told him how lonely it was to live in a cage. They became good friends.

Next morning, Max, before he ate his breakfast, read aloud a page from the Bible. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Max explained, the parrot wanted also to read a page from the Bible. So Max went out and ordered a miniature Bible for the parrot.

On Sunday, Max went to his church and demanded that the parrot could come in and pray to. The Minister refused, saying a church was no place for a parrot. But Max insisted, saying that the parrot would pray out aloud, since he was a talking parrot. He would also sing hymns.

None of the worshippers believed Max, and they bet Max at even odds that the parrot could not say his prayers nor sing a hymn. Thousands of dollars were bet. During the services, the parrot perched on Max's shoulder and did not open his mouth. He neither prayed nor sang hymns. After the services were concluded, Max found that he owed his buddies over four thousand dollars.

He paid. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the church the bird began to recite the 23 psalm. Max stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? Haven't I been good to you? Is this how you repay me?"

"Don't be a fool," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds next Sunday when you take me to church".
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Q: How do you know if you are a real computing novice?
A: You cannot find the "any" key.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room, library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks.

"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"

"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.

"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.

"What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Q. Why was Frosty the Snowman smiling?
A. He saw the snowblower coming.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.

The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: It's the only car name they can spell.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.

They didn't want their son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, "The men with really big dicks and the girls with really, really big boobs are both really, really dumb people."

When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.

The boy said, ''Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb female, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.''
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him, him and him."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A man's favourite beach exercise ...
sucking in his stomach every time he see's a bikini
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You are a child of the 80's If...

*You know what a "burnout" is.
*You owned/operated a 'Trapper Keeper'
*You know what "Psych" means.
*Once, while spending hours in the arcade, you actually lined up quarters on the top panel of the game -- to "reserve" your spot.
*You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
*You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".
*You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack".
*You know who Tina Yothers is.
*You wanted to be a Goonie.
*You felt ashamed when Rob Lowe got in trouble for sex with minors and videotaping it, because you liked him.
*You had top-of-the-line Commodore 64s in your jr. high computer lab
*You know who Max Headroom is.
*You even wore fluorescent, neon if you will, clothing.
*You could breakdance, or wish you could.
*You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
*You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"
*Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
*You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
*You can, right now, hum to yourself the theme to 'Inspector Gadget'
*You wanted to be on Star Search.
*You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
*You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.
*You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".
*You HAD to have your MTV
*Your shoulder-pads wouldn't fit through the door way
*You remember when Kramer was on a show called 'Friday's'
*You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future".
*You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name".
*You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
*You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
*You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
*You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".
*You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system
*You own(ed) any 'cassette singles'
*You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
*You remember And/or own any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut. Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
*Poltergeist freaked you out.
*You carried you lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
*You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
*You know what a Doozer is.
*You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.
*You ever had a Swatch Watch.
*You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
*You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.
*You know what a "Whammee" is..
*Your favourite outfit was a ra-ra skirt with leg-warmers
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a "Child of the 80's".
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
Kid replies .. "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Every 10 seconds a woman is giving birth, she must be found and stopped.

* * December '05 JoKes * *

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the Pearly Gates", Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000,
or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150."
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buriedhere,
and three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.

Q: What will a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Introduces herself.

Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
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