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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * December '16 JoKes * *

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."




Q. What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
A. Virgin Mobile.




The doctor said, ' Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache'




The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus




Q: Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
A: He only comes once a year.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either


Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.




A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.
They have just lost their bull.
The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and
see if I can find one for under that amount.
If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office
and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.
She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks,
"How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies,
"She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"




Yo momma is so fat,
I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

Yo mamma is so ugly
when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals"

Yo momma is so fat
when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number"


Yo momma is so fat
that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang,
"We are family, even though you're fatter than me"

Yo momma's so fat,
that when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.


Yo momma is so fat
that Dora can't even explore her!

Yo momma is so fat
her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.




Do not be racist; be like Mario.
He's an Italian plumber,
who was made by the Japanese,
speaks English,
looks like a Mexican,
jumps like a black man,
and grabs coins like a Jew!





What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.





If you see a fat man…
Who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it…
Your eggnog is too strong!!!




Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"


SILLY CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas??
It's Christmas, Eve!

How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet??
25. There’s "no EL"!

What carol is heard in the desert??
O camel ye faithful!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas??
Cross Mouse Cards!

What athlete is warmest in winter??
A long jumper!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations??
Tinsilitis!

What's the most popular Christmas wine??
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree??
Nice gnawing you!

Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?
They keep loosing their needles!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk??
Jingle Smells!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet??
Mistle-toad!

Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas??
Noël Coward!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!

How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf??
He has Santa claws!

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we'll go places!

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer!

What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
The One Show!

What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker!

Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
Because he has private elf care!

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger!

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered!




Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course "perfect."

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.




A man came home to find his wife in bed with a stranger.
"What the hell are you two doing?" He demanded.
His wife turned to the stranger and said,
"See, I told you he was stupid"




While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, ‘ Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'



A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

* * December '15 JoKes * *

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"
Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"


A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.

The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.
The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a $50 million compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'

Q: What do a Christmas tree & priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.



Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. 'How much is this gold tinsel garland'.

The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre'.

'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 metres'.

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.

She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, 'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'

After being away on business for a week before Christmas,
Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That’s still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap.”
So the clerk handed him a mirror.


Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")

Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11:
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12:
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.


Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards,
it’s on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.


Optimist vs. Pessimist
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other were their looks. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”



SOME CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur any mince pies left?


What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas??
Twerky!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor??
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!


What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar??
He got 25 days!


What is the best Christmas present in the world??
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!


How did Scrooge win the football game??
The ghost of Christmas passed!


What kind of motorbike does Santa ride??
A Holly Davidson!


What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
Auld Fang Syne


Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school??
The elf-abet!

What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees??
Horn-aments!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing??
They always drop their needles!

Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!

Why did the turkey join the band??
Because it had the drumsticks!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire??
Frostbite!

What do snowmen wear on their heads??
Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around??
They ride an icicle!

What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party??
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas??
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!

What do you call a cat in the desert??
Sandy Claws!

What does Santa do with fat elves??
He sends them to an Elf Farm!



It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.


Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!


Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fas
hionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."

The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"


Teacher: If I have 20 cents and ask Ebenezer Scrooge for another 30 cents, how much will I have?
Pupil: 20 cents, teacher!
Teacher: You don’t know your arithmetic.
Pupil: Please, miss, you don’t know Scrooge!



IS THERE A SANTA??

1. Santa's Workload
There are two billion children in the world, but since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Budist children, that reduces his workload to 15% of the total, or 300 million. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 85.7 million homes. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different times zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels East to West. This works out to 767.9 visits per second. So for each household with good children, Santa has about 1/1,000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the presents, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, into the sleigh and move on to the next house."

2. The Time/Distance Factor
Assuming that these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the Earth, we're talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles.

3. Calculation of Estimated Speed
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times the speed of sound.

4. Santa's Payload
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a mdeium-size Lego set (about two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as "heavy." On land, normal reindeer could pull no more than 300 pounds, and even granting that flying reindeer could pull 10 times the normal amount, Santa's going to need 214,200 reindeer to pull his sleigh. This increases the payload to 353,430 tons, or four times the weight of the "Queen Elizabeth."

Conclusion:
A craft of 353,000 tons, traveling at 650 miles per second, creates enormous air resistance. This will heat up Mr. Claus and his sleigh like a spacecraft reentering Earth's atmosphere.

Translation:
If there is a Santa, he's toast.


The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance of this season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels, the Internet, and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa’s market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer–who will retrain at the Harvard Business School–is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.


What’s the most popular wine at Christmas?
“Do I have to eat my Brussel sprouts?”


Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him:-
'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'



The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

* * December '14 JoKes * *

12 Days of Christmas

14th December
Dearest Darling John
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear tree.
What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.
With deep affection,
You're ever loving
Agnes

15th December
My Dearest Darling John
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves.
I am delighted, they are adorable.
All my love
Agnes

16th December
Dearest Darling John
Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such
generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.
You're loving
Agnes

17th December
Dear John
What can I say ? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the postman this
morning. Your kindness really is too much.
Love Agnes.

18th December
Dear John
What a surprise today, the postman delivered five golden rings - one for
every finger - you really are an impossible boy, but I love you.
Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and getting on my nerves.
Agnes.

19th December
Dear John
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody great
geese laying eggs all over the front door step. What on earth do you think I
can do with them all ? - the neighbours are beginning to complain about the
smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise ! - Please stop !.
Cordially yours
Agnes

20th December
Dear John
What is it with you and these birds ? Now I get seven swans a swanning
about the place! - is it some sort of god damned joke ?
The house is full of bird shit, and the racket !!
I am becoming a nervous wreck - it is not funny anymore, stop sending these
fucking birds !!
Agnes

21st December
Ok buster, I think I prefer birds. What the hell am I going to do with
eight maids a milking ? It's not enough with the birds, now I have eight
cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night long.
Fuck Off !
Agnes

22nd December
Look dick head - what are you on ? You're having a laugh. Now I have
nine pipers playing shite music constantly! and christ do they play... when
they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they keep chasing the maids through
the cow shit. The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the fucking
birds ! - the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
Agnes

23rd December

You're are a fucking bastard ! - now we have ten ladies dancing. How on
earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're pulling
the pipers all night long! - the cows can't sleep and now have diarrhoea.
My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the
building unfit for human habitation.
Fuck off and Die John
Agnes

24th December
LISTEN shit face - what with eleven lords leaping about all round the
house, shagging me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again.
The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to
committing sodomy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting having been
trampled during the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied - you b*****d
Your sworn enemy - Agnes

25th December
You stinking lousy shit ! - Twelve fucking drummers banging their fucking
drums all day long ! - they have teamed up with the pipers making one hell
of a noise, both lots have buggered the cows and hell knows what happened
to the milkmaids ? - they've probably drowned in the cow shite by now.

The only way I have saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding
up the fucking peartree which has been well fertilised by all this shit and
has now grown through the roof !!!

Big hairy bollocks to you
Agnes.




"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind
is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm
not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day
for the last twenty years!"



What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A puddle.

What do you call a snowman in the tropics?
Lost.




"THE DAY OFF...."

Employee: Boss can I have the day off tomorrow?

Boss: So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking
for:

There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per
week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170
days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days
each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only
22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.

This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down
to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day
available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day
off!




A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.

The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.Funniest Christmas Jokes
The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'


Ms. Quisenberry, receptionist at a noted law firm, answered
the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had
passed away, quite unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," Ms.
Quisenberry replied.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand
me. I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Yes. Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client, yet again.

"Really, sir! Do you understand what I'm saying?" queried the
exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."

"I understand you perfectly," sighed the client. "I just can't
hear it often enough."



Why is Santa always smiling ?
'Cos he knows where all the bad girls live!

**********
Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary.
**********
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson because he brought the house down

**********
How was your Christmas meal?
We had grandma for Christmas dinner.
Really?
We had turkey
**********
How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year!

**********
Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him:- 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'

**********
Why do bells ring at Christmas?
Because someone pulls the rope.

**********
What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month?
The letter D.




A professor was conducting a class in decision making.
In his first drill, he picked a student from Georgia.

"Now son," he said, "I want you to tell me the decision you'd
make in this situation. You're driving a fully-loaded truck
down a mountain road at seventy miles an hour. Just as you
get close to an oncoming truck, two cars pull out from behind
him to pass. You hit the brakes and your brakes go out. On
your right side is a five-hundred foot cliff; on your left
side in a one-thousand food precipice. Now, son, you have
three seconds. What would you do?"

"Well," the boy drawled, "I reckon I'd wake up Leroy."

"Leroy!" the professor exclaimed. "Who's Leroy?"

"Leroy's my relief driver, sir. You see, he's from a small
country town and I'd wanna wake him up 'cause he ain't never
seen an accident like this before."



WHAT A GIRL WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS
The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'



Two women were talking about their lives since they had become nursing
home residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman,
Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died
out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other
woman said that her sex life was great!

"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her. "When my husband
is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both
legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets
so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"

Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she
takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg
up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her
head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls
backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a
shocked look on his face, her husband yells, "For God's sake Ethel,
comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"



WHAT A BOY WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS
David remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Macy's one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, 'What a marvellous train set. I'll buy it.'

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, 'Great, I'm sure your son will really love it.'

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, 'Maybe you're right. In that case I'll take two.'



This American couple on vacation with some friends in Mexico were
shopping at the market to bring back a few souvenirs to their
family and friends. The time passed and the couple realize that
neither of them were wearing watches. They noticed this little
Mexican man laying down taking a siesta next to this mule that
had the largest set of mule nuts they had ever seen.

Trying not to stare at the huge mule nuts, they asked the little
Mexican man, "Excuse us, could you tell us what time it is?

The little Mexican man reaches his hand out under the enormous set
of nuts lifting them high and says "It's 3 o'clock"

Amazed by this, the American couple go off to find their friends
and tell them the amazing story. "This little Mexican man over
there, can tell time by lifting his mule's balls!" Curious and
amazed by this, the friends want to see first hand, so they go
back and ask him what time it was.

Sure enough, the little Mexican man reaches out again, cups his
hands under the mule’s nuts lifts them up as if to weigh them,
and says, It is 3:15. Their friends check the time on their
watches and sure enough, the little man was correct.

Blown away by this, finally the American couple ask, "It is just
amazing, how do you do that?"

"Do what?" the Mexican asks

"Tell the time by lifting your mule's balls!..

"Ah." Says the Mexican..."I just need to lift his balls, so I can
see that big clock across the street."



Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl.
In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy.
Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. 'How much is this gold tinsel garland'.

The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre'.

'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 metres'.

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.

She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, 'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'



A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I
was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because
I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."



Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

She says, “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.”

Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says, “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable.”

Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says, “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.”

Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my c*ck this way!!!”



Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check."

"By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"



10 Reasons Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa Claus

There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
Buy one big brown belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
You'd always work in sensible footwear.
You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.
Juggling work and family would be easy. All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
You'd never take the wrong coat on your way home.
You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
No one would ask to see your job description.

* * December '13 JoKes * *

Q) What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a bassist?
A) A tattoo.

* * * * * * * * *
B&Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because... well he was so funny....

NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy *******)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.


PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here'?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.

* * * * * * * * *
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.
He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life,
that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people,
no supplies, nothing, only bananas, coconuts and the few fish that he managed to catch.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore on a boat.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island.
I landed here when my cruise ship sank a few months ago.'

'Amazing,' he notes.
'You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you.'
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made this boat out of raw materials that I found on the other side of the island..
There's lots of wood, palms and vines.
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman.
'I found a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I used that for tools.
The guy is stunned.'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is stone walkway leading to an exquisite hut
painted in yellow and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually,
'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you,' he mumbles, still dazed. 'I can't take any more coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman.
'I've managed to ferment some alcohol.
How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepts, and they sit down to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,
'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a lovely fountain outside and I've made a razor out of tortoise bone..

'No longer surprised by anything, the man goes to shower and shave.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'Whatever will it be next?

'When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for?'

She stares provocatively into his eyes ...
He swallows excitedly and tears start to well-up in his eyes..........
..Don't tell me you've got the sports channel?

* * * * * * * * *
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the hell is it ??

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the early
bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play
chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I
go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what the hell I'm "here after".

19. I'd much rather be an old has been, than a never was.

20. A wise man was once a fool.

21. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
* * * * * * * * *
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

* * * * * * * * *
A Guy Walks Into A Bank And Says, "i Want To Open A F***ing Bank Account" ........ to which the teller replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it! I said I want to open a f***ing bank account, right now!"
"Sir, I'm sorry, but we don't tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window, went over to the bank manager, and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager said .............. "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem", the man said. "I just won 50 million quid in the lottery and I want to open a f***ing bank account in this damn bank!!"
"I see, sir", the manager replied, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
* * * * * * * * *
A caller dialled 911 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway line. I am waiting for the train to come so that I can finally meet Allah."

"Remain calm and stay on the line"
* * * * * * * * *
1. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Some body's Gonna Lose A Trailer

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4.. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5.. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup?

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
* * * * * * * * *
Thoughts from a friend:

I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at
my age, I don't really give much of a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale
swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run
and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? Ummmmmm

* * * * * * * * *
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"

* * * * * * * * *
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought wind

But I was wrong!"
* * * * * * * * *
"You are going to have to stop masturbating Mr Gee"
"Why Doctor?"… he replied.
"Because I trying to examine you!" said the Doctor.

* * * * * * * * *
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Enzo would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to Enzo: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
Enzo signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown brief case, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger".

* * * * * * * * *
Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '

' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
* * * * * * * * *
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"
* * * * * * * * *
A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.


So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.


He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

No, she says,

they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.
* * * * * * * * *
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last
night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

* * * * * * * * *
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
* * * * * * * * *
Christmas carolers sing about peace on earth,
But they don't tell us where

* * December '12 JoKes * *

Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons,
round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?""Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
* * * * * * * * *

Christmas is truly a magical time.
Your money disappears into thin air.


* * * * * * * * *
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
* * * * * * * * *
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
* * * * * * * * *
A FEW IRISH JOKES
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

* * * *

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

* * * *

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

* * * * * * * *
A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent's house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.

"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"
* * * * * * * * *
Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."
* * * * * * * * *
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
* * * * * * * * *
CLEVER CHINESE DOCTOR
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
* * * * * * * * *
A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.’
* * * * * * * * *
Inner Strength
· If you can start the day without caffeine.
· If you can get going without pep pills.
· If you can always be cheerful ignoring aches and pains.
· If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.
· If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.
· If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.
· If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when through no fault of yours something goes wrong.
· If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.
· If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him.
· If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend.
· If you can face the world without lies and deceit.
· If you can conquer tension without medical help.
· If you can relax without liquor.
· If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.
· .....Then you are probably the family dog!

* * * * * * * * *
It was Christmas Eve and a cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,

'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'As it is Christmas, pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'


* * * * * * * * *
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

* Pasta had not been invented.

* Curry was a surname.

* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet

* Spices came from the Middle East where they were used for embalming

* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.

* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

* Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

* The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage,

* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.

* Soft drinks were called pop.

* Coke was something that we put on the fire.

* A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

* A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed.

* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.

* Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

* Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

* Bread and jam was a treat.

* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

* Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.

* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.

* Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.

* Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist

* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.

* The starter was our main meal. Soup was a main meal.

* Only Heinz made beans.

* Leftovers went in the dog.

* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.

* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.

* Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

* Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

* Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop.

* For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out of old newspapers.

* Frozen food was called ice cream.

* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.

* Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour.

* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

* Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.

* If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less.

* Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

* People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

* Indian restaurants were only found in India .

* Brunch was not a meal.

* If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would have been certified

* A bun was a small cake back then.

* The word" Barbie" was not associated with anything to do with food.

* Eating outside was a picnic.

* Cooking outside was called camping.

* Seaweed was not a recognised food.

* Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday

* "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

* Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.

* Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious they would never catch on.

* The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond comprehension.

* The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all to us.

* The world had not heard of Pot Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts.

* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

* Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were only found abroad.

* Prunes were medicinal.

* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.

* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.

* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

* We never heard of Croissants and we certainly couldn't pronounce it,

* We thought that Baguettes were a problem the French needed to deal with.

* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour food.

* Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

* Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals.

* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning."

* The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties …. elbows.
* * * * * * * * *
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
* * * * * * * * * *

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