A PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGE
* * December '12 JoKes * *
Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised,
answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s,
a woman's are like melons,
The Swede asked for
new champagne in the same glass.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home,
and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave
home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting
an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek."
A cop pulls him over.
* * * *
Brenda O'Malley is
home making dinner, as usual,
* * * *
Mary Clancy goes
up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre'.
'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 metres'.
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.
She then called to
an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said,
'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'
Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.
"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."
His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
he replied, "But Grandma is!"
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.
"I haven't added
them up yet."
Q: Should I reduce
my alcohol intake?
Q: How can I calculate
my body/fat ratio?
Q: What are some
of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Q : Will sit-ups
help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Q: Is chocolate bad
Q: Is swimming good
for your figure?
Q: Is getting in
shape important for my lifestyle?
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink
a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
CONCLUSION: Eat and
drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'As it is Christmas, pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's
* Pasta had not been invented.
* Curry was a surname.
* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet
* Spices came from the Middle East where they were used for embalming
* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.
* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
* Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
* The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage,
* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.
* Soft drinks were called pop.
* Coke was something that we put on the fire.
* A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
* A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed.
* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.
* Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
* Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
* Bread and jam was a treat.
* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
* Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.
* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.
* Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.
* Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist
* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.
* The starter was our main meal. Soup was a main meal.
* Only Heinz made beans.
* Leftovers went in the dog.
* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.
* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.
* Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
* Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
* Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop.
* For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out of old newspapers.
* Frozen food was called ice cream.
* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.
* Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour.
* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
* Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.
* If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less.
* Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
* People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
* Indian restaurants were only found in India .
* Brunch was not a meal.
* If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would have been certified
* A bun was a small cake back then.
* The word" Barbie" was not associated with anything to do with food.
* Eating outside was a picnic.
* Cooking outside was called camping.
* Seaweed was not a recognised food.
* Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday
* "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
* Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.
* Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious they would never catch on.
* The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond comprehension.
* The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all to us.
* The world had not heard of Pot Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts.
* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
* Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were only found abroad.
* Prunes were medicinal.
* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.
* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.
* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
* We never heard of Croissants and we certainly couldn't pronounce it,
* We thought that Baguettes were a problem the French needed to deal with.
* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour food.
* Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.
* Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals.
* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning."
* The one thing that
we never ever had on our table in the fifties
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds,
"Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married
to her for 40 years."
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife
responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any
vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check."
"By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot
replied, "Get him, Brutus!"
* * December 11 JoKes * *
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it,"
said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain O the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Brown is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
The ex-PM is even
more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, he moves on to the next patient,
who immediately begins to chant:
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awasae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Brown turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
He looked up from
his newspaper and said; "Yes, I do. You wore that same
He looked her up
and down and said, " Mission accomplished!"
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a min...ute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into thecar to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ..... Do
you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want'.
The Lord said, 'That
request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said,
'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want
to know how she feels
And the Lord replied,
'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'
Word gets around
about Marys drink now, pay later marketing strategy
and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Marys
bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Dublin.
At the banks corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into Drinkbonds and Alkibonds. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naïve investors dont really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nations leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Marys bar. He so informs Mary. Mary then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Mary cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, Drinkbonds and Alkibonds drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community. The suppliers of Marys bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms pension funds in the various Bond securities. They find they are now faced with having to write-off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.
the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved
and bailed out by a multi-billion euro no-strings-attached cash infusion
from their cronies in government. The funds required for this bailout
are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers
who have never been in Marys bar.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked:
'Does it hurt as
much as tennis elbow?
For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake
JUST IN CASE YOU WEREN'T FEELING TOO OLD TODAY.
THE PEOPLE WHO ARE STARTING COLLEGE THIS FALL WERE BORN IN 1992.
THEY ARE TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER THE SPACE SHUTTLE BLOWING UP.
THEIR LIFETIME HAS ALWAYS INCLUDED AIDS.
THE CD WAS INTRODUCED TWO YEARS BEFORE THEY WERE BORN.
THEY HAVE ALWAYS HAD AN ANSWERING MACHINE..
THEY HAVE ALWAYS HAD CABLE.
JAY LENO HAS ALWAYS BEEN ON THE TONIGHT SHOW.
POPCORN HAS ALWAYS BEEN MICROWAVED.
THEY NEVER TOOK A SWIM AND THOUGHT ABOUT JAWS.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHO MORK WAS OR WHERE HE WAS FROM.
THEY NEVER HEARD: 'WHERE'S THE BEEF?', 'I'D WALK A MILE FOR A CAMEL ', OR 'DE PLANE BOSS, DE PLANE'.
MCDONALD'S NEVER CAME IN STYROFOAM CONTAINERS.
THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE HOW TO USE A TYPEWRITER.
'OLD' IS WHEN Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN
not sure if these are facts or jokes.
It was then observed
that 100% of the test subjects:
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
Greenberg, Rosenberg , ....nomattah...all same
(1) You got to find
somebody who likes the same
(2) No person really
decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
is the best age because you know
(2) No age is good
to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have
to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want
any more kids.
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for
having fun, and people should use them to get to know
(2) On the first
date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets
WHAT WOULD YOU DO
ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING
(1) I'd run home
and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're
(2) The law says
you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
(3) The rule goes
like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) It's better for
girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after
HOW WOULD THE WORLD
BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T
(1 ) There sure would
be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife
that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a
minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
Again, she paused
for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
Finally, still tracing
her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised
Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,
Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round,
The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,
"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine !
Tis me, ......................
A big thanks to John M, John P, Mike, Mick, Melanie, Jenny, Bubba, Kat, Sally, Vicky, Jack, Billy and the anons for the above funnies!!
100's of FUNNYJOKES