PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGES
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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * AugUst '08 JoKes * *

Can you solve this puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer scroll down .

* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

* * * * * * *
>> A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
>> rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the
>> woman
>> they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde
>> assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this
>> store
>> on a regular basis and would like some more.
>>
>> 'I'm sorry', says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any!'
>>
>> 'But I always buy it here,' says the blonde
>>
>> 'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
>>
>>
>> 'YES', said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'
>>
>> She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
>> looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm
>> deodorant'
>>
>> Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud
>> from the container.........
>>
>> .
>>
>> .
>>
>>
>>
>> . (Wait for it).
>>
>>
>>
>> ..
>>
>> ..
>>
>> ..
>>
>> ..
>>
>> ..
>>
>> ..
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'

* * * * * * *
When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
* * * * * * *
This is a lovely story about the bond formed
between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true
and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there
is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe,
Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.

The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more
or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and
gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They
even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing
two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother
who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the
next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank thelady assistant was tickled pink listening to the
little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact
she had a 'pay packet'.

" You must have worked very hard to earn all this ", said the assistant.

The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building
a big house.'

" My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, will you be working on the
house again this week, as well? " The little girl thought for a moment and
said...

" We think so. Provided those w***kers at Jewson's deliver the f***ing bricks......"
* * * * * * *
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: 'Oh crap, my boyfriend is Buying me flowers again.'
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: 'You don't like Getting flowers from your boyfriend?'
The redhead replies: 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.'
The blonde says: .......'Don't you have a vase?'
* * * * * * *
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to

him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he
had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show
you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down
on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must
put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable
manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you
do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel."
* * * * * * *
A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me....'You lazy prick! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your arse and give her a break!'

I thought 'Shit! ... Women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms 'Sod off and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening'.

After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn.. Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us.

I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK [see below]

I'M TOO BLOODY SOFT WITH HER, SHE WILL WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT.
* * * * * * *
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
* * * * * * *
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth
>
>
> die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if
> they'll be admitted to Heaven.
>
>
> Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel
> must decide which of them gets in.
>
> The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
> should go to Heaven.
>
> Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most
> perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure>
> it will please the angels to be able to see them every day,for
> eternity.'
>
> The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
>
> The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
>
>
> shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls
> the lever.
>
>
> The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
>
> Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you
> two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits
> into a commode and she gets in!
>
> Would you explain that to me?'
>
> 'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel,
> 'but even in Heaven,
> >
>
> a royal flush
>
>
> beats a pair - no matter how big they are!'
* * * * * * *
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening .

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist! '
* * * * * * *
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man, 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA, AT HALF THE BL**** PRICE'
* * * * * * *
A little girl called Penny, was seated next to a stranger on an airplane, when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What
would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' Penny said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit
* * * * * * *
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once &nb sp;in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me , is . .. you're NOT my flight instructor?'
* * * * * * *
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he
comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is
outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it
from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact,the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,in
the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner
and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses,Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over
and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off,
throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the
mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which
way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right, that's
enough, I'll do the dishes!'
* * * * * * *
At a Tyre Shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
Sign over a Gynaecologists' Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.." *
**************************

* * AugUst '07 JoKes * *

Pres' Bush got a telephone call from his Chief of Staff
telling him that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq.
To everyones amazement, Bush breaks down in tears in great distress.
After a while he composes himself and asks: "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
* * * * * * *
New Inventions by Blondes
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat
* * * * * * *
A guy dies and goes to heaven. He sees a guard who has watches. The guy askes the guard what are the watches for? The guard says these watches are desegnated to the person and everythime that person lies the watch moves to the right. The guy askes and can I see George Washington watch? The guard shows it, it only moved to the right once. Can I see Abrahamn Lincoln watch? It only moved twice to the right which means he only lied 2 times. Can I see George Bushes watch? The guard says I’m very sorry, you can’t see it because Jesus is using as a ceiling fan.
* * * * * * *
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.
You gotta love the Marines!
* * * * * * *
For all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realise it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
* * * * * * *
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their Web site is
http://www.whorepresents.com

Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at
http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at http://www.therapistfinder.com

There's the Italian Power Generator company,
http://www.powergenitalia.com

And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, http://www.molestationnursery.com

If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com

The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
http://www.cummingfirst.com

And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com
* * * * * * *
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You`re back at work on Monday.
* * * * * * *
TAKEN FROM JOB APPLICATIONS

QUALIFICATIONS:

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resumé on my office voice mail."

EXPERIENCE:

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job."

EDUCATION:

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

SPECIAL SKILLS:

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those demanding conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"They made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous jobs."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am disposed that it be so oriented as to partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured to lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30. I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

"Marital status: often. Children: various."

"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining an entire Midwest chain operation."

REFERENCES:

"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
* * * * * * *
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a
> helicopter, ten men and one woman.
> The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
> so they decided that one has to drop off.
> Otherwise they are all going to fall.
> They were not able to choose that person, but then
> the woman made a very touching speech. She said that
> she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because
> as a woman she was used to giving up everything for
> her husband and kids, and for men in general,
> without ever getting anything in return.
> As soon as she finished her speech, all the men
> started clapping their hands...
* * * * * * *
TEN thoughts for today only
>>
>>10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
>>
>>9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
>>
>>8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.
>>
>>7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
>>
>>6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
>>
>>5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
>>
>>4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
>>
>>3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?
>>
>>2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
>>
>>AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR AUGUST:
>>>>
>>We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain......
But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of Immigration

* * * * * * *
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was standing
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time,
so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the
plaque he said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning, pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off
the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,"
replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the
large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
* * * * * * *
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!
~ ~ ~
What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"
~ ~ ~
If Mum's have Mother's Day, and Dad's have Father's Day.
What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday!
* * * * * * *
A couple of days after Gordon Brown became PM, he arranged to treat his new cabinet to a dinner party at one of Gordon Ramsay's restaurants. A private suite was booked and GB and his cabinet duly arrived all panting with eager anticipation.
Once seated and settled down, the Maitre d' approached GB and asked him if he'd like to order. He looked at the menu for a few moments and then said with his customary gravitas: 'I'll have the lamb chops, steak and onion pie, braised steak, roast pork tenderloin, pork spare ribs Chinese style, sautéed chicken breast and roast duckling.'
The Maitre d' looked up from his note pad and said; 'Very good sir; and the vegetables, sir, what about the vegetables?'
GB gave him a hard look and replied: 'They'll have the same as me.'
* * * * * * *
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I`ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the man`s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I`ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he`ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It`s just 99 cents a word.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she`ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, `comfortable.`”

The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, `comfortable`?”

The brunette explains, “My sister`s blonde.”

“She`ll read it very slow.”
* * * * * * *
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, a man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.'

And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"
* * * * * * *
The Herd Theory -

A herd can only move as fast as the slowest animal,
and when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine
that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Hee Hee .. Thanks Stewart, Bubba, Mick, Ron, Sollie, Ted, Marg, Sylv, K.B., Mike and all the anons for the above funnies!!

* * AugUst '06 JoKes * *

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Well, how about some "ARSEICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb Arse

* * * * * * *

RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD…
TAOISM - Shit happens.
HARE KRISHNA - Shit happens rama rama ding ding.
HINDUISM - This shit happened before.
ISLAM - If shit happens, take a hostage.
ZEN - What is the sound of shit?
BUDDHISM - When shit happens, is it really shit?
CONFUCIANISM - Confucius say, "Shit happens".
7th DAY ADVENTIST - Shit happens on Saturdays.
PROTESTANTISM - Shit won't happen if I work harder.
CATHOLICISM - If shit happens I deserve it.
JAHOVAH'S WITNESS - Knock Knock, "Shit happens".
UNITARIAN - What is this shit?
MORMON - Shit happens again & again & again.
JUDAISM - Why does this shit always happen to me?
ATHEIST - Don't believe this shit.
RASTAFARIANISM - Let's smoke this shit!

* * * * * * *
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her four-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"

* * * * * * *

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. After five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

* * * * * * *
>>> Subject: England Supporter
>>>
>>> A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the
>>> sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and say to his
>>> sister,
>>>
>>> "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my
>>> birthday."
>>>
>>> His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
>>> head and says,
>>>
>>> "Go talk to your mother."
>>>
>>> So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand
>>> and finds his mother.
>>>
>>> "Mum?"
>>>
>>> "Yes son?"
>>>
>>> "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this
>>> shirt for my birthday".
>>>
>>> The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head
>>> twice and says,
>>>
>>> "Go talk to your father."
>>>
>>> Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
>>>
>>> "Dad?"
>>>
>>> "Yes son?"
>>>
>>> "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this
>>> shirt for my birthday."
>>>
>>> The father is livid and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times
>>> and says:
>>>
>>> "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
>>>
>>> About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
>>> home. The father turns to his son and says;
>>>
>>> "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
>>>
>>> The son says,
>>>
>>> "Yes dad I have."
>>>
>>> "Good son, what is it?"
>>>
>>> The son replies;
>>>
>>> "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you
>>> German Bastards"

* * * * * * *

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

* * * * * * *
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity."
Young cock : What ya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should retire.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win, you shall allow me to have one hen and if I loose you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?

Old cock : 50 metre run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 metres.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the young cock allows the old cock to start off and when the old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the old cock in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly,

Bang!!!!

Before he could overtake the old cock,
he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed
"*$@ing *$@ing hell !
This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week" !!
* * * * * * *

Useful Phrases at Work

1) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10) Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

14) No, my powers can only be used for good.

15) How about never? Is never good for you?

16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

20) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

21) Who me? I just wander from room to room.

22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

* * * * * * *
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch member." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I will cut it. I will cut it."

* * * * * * *
PULLED FROM THE ARCHIVES
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive," Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.

No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service, the list got longer and longer.

Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.

Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"
* * * * * * *
KISS MY ARSE
Spanish: Bese mi asno
French: Embrassez mon âne
German: Küssen Sie meinen Esel
Italian: Baci il mio asino
Portuguese: Beije meu burro
Norwegian: Kyss mitt esel
Dutch: Zoen mijn reet
Danish: Kys mig æsel
Finnish: Suudelma minun aasi
Gaelic: Pog mo thoin
Icelandic: Koss minn rass
Croatian: Iscjelivati moj magarac
Hungarian: Csókol az én -m csacsi
Czech: Polibek má osel
Serbian: Poljubac moj zadnjca
Slovenian: Poljub svoj norec
Pig Latin: Isskay ymay assyay
Afrikaans: Soen my esel
Albanian: Puth im gomar
Bengali: Chumu gAdha
Estonian: Suudlema minu eesel
Hawaiian: Honi ko'u 'elemu
Maori: üngutu taku käihe
Romanian: sarut magar
Swahili: busu. changu kitako
Swedish: kysst min åsna
Yiddish: Kuschn mein eisl
Welsh: cusanu fy asen

* * AugUst '05 JoKes * *

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Thanks Ron from US, good luck with the songwritng

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom)
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding
"Product will be hot after heating."
(and you thought?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(I'm taking this because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Ta again Julie ! !
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

>The Benefits of Wine...
> >"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel
> >ashamed, then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the
>winery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this
> >wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I
>say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams
>come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up
> >in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
> >~Frank Sinatra
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
> > ~ Henny Youngman
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >"24 hours in a day, 24 bottles in a case. Coincidence? I think
> >not."
> >~ Stephen Wright
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall
> >asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we
>go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
> >~ Brian O'Rourke
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >"Wine is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
> > ~ Benjamin Franklin
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
> >mankind is wine. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
> >invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
> >~ Dave Barry
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >WINE: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
> >~ "Unknown"
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >To some it's a case, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a bottle!
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
> >of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the "Buffalo
> >Theory" to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
> >
> >"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
>fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
>and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
>is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
>whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
>In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
>slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
>cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
>In this way, regular consumption of wine eliminates the weaker brain cells,
>making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always
>feel smarter after a few wines."

Another funny from Yvonne ~ Thanks
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery............................The study of Painting
Bacteria.........................Back door of a Cafeteria
Barium...........................What Doctors do when patients die
Bowel............................A letter like A,E,I,O,U
Caesarean Section..........A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat Scan........................Search for kitty
Cauterise........................Made eye contact with her
Coma.............................A punctuation mark
D&C.............................Where Washington is
Dilate.............................To live longer
Enema...........................Not a friend
Fester ..........................Quicker
Fibula...........................A small lie
Genital..........................Not a Jew
G.I Series.....................A soldier ball game
Hangnail.......................Coat hook
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known
Labour pain..................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................Doctors cane
Morbid.........................A higher offer
Nitrates........................Cheaper than day rates
Node...........................Was aware of
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted
Pap smear....................A fatherhood test
Pelvis......................…..A cousin to Elvis
Recovery room.......…..Place to do upholstery
Rectum...................…..Almost killed him
Secretion.................… Hiding something
Seizure...................…. Roman Emperor
Tablet....................…...A small table
Terminal illness............Getting sick at the airport
Tumour.........................Another two
Urine...........................Opposite to "you're out"
Varicose......................Nearby
Vein.............................Bigheaded

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Q : How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb!
They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!
They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs
despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER,
the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING
LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF
GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT
THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY
TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!


I'm sorry. What was the question?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

INSULTS

"I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you --it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person".

"Yeah, I'd love to f!ck your brains out, but apparently someone BEAT ME TO IT!"

"Are your parents cousins?"

"I know cement that gets hard faster than you".

"Your teeth are so yellow; I can't believe it's not butter".

"Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid
enough to admit it."

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this
knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."

Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having
met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell till
I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it
for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the
need for therapy..."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are
bigger than mine."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin
your life!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was
only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"You are so ugly the last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand slipped through the toilet paper".

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Olympic Games 2012

As you know, London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in
2012.

What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go to
make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012.

A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be
contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the
stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events
have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one
in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible
in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages delivery
man. The traditional ..22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of
either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away
from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,
please note that the Synchronised Swimming even for this year will comprise of
dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the
specific
musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50km WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially
anyone that appears to be mincing ...

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be
extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch
invasion by a confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself
will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove
all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Late News:
Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the
above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging a
hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down'
contest.

To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing
has been waived this year.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
IF IT REALLY WAS A MAN'S WORLD...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and "Cheers for the sex - now 'go away'" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

8. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

9. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

10. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.

11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."

12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.

14. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

16. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

17. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence, and it would work every time.

18. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.

19. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and £2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.

21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

22. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and a fight to the death would settle any disagreements.

23. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.