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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * AugUst '16 JoKes * *

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
* * * * * * *

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent?s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn?t come along, he?d still be alive today!"

* * * * * * *

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”

Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love’ and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for nonsense…”

Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?”

God said, “An arm and a leg…”

Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?
* * * * * * *

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many thousands is that!!??"

* * * * * * *
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George’s Day,“ commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George” “That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot. “My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.” “Well to be sure, that’s incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake”.
* * * * * * *
Q: What do you get when you cross a potato and corn?
A: porn

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
* * * * * * *
A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night's dinner on his way home. The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were. The produce guy didn't know what he was talking about, so the husband said: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?" To which the produce guy replied, "No, sir, you will have to do that yourself."

* * * * * * *
The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".

* * * * * * *
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write".

* * * * * * *
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilets. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!" After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

* * * * * * *
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn’t
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: What!! Betcha he told you I was speeding too.
* * * * * * *
Q: What's the difference between a Hispanic girlfriend and a Hispanic wife?
A: 45 lbs.

* * * * * * *
When the doctor says: "One of several things could cause your symptoms." What the doctor means: "I haven't the foggiest idea what's wrong with you."

When the doctor says: "I'd like to run that last test over."
What the doctor means: "The lab lost your sample."

When the doctor says: "Your insurance should cover most of this."
What the doctor means: "You'll have to sell your house to cover the rest."

When the doctor says: "Let's go over your symptoms once more."
What the doctor means: "I can't remember who you are."

When the doctor says: "How long have you had these symptoms?"
What the doctor means: "How do you feel about living with them the rest of your life?"

When the doctor says: "There's a lot of this going around."
What the doctor means: "And we'll give it a name as soon as we figure out what it is."
* * * * * * *

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait.
* * * * * * *
God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

* * * * * * *
* * AugUst '15 JoKes * *

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"Oh, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . ."My Rolex!"
* * * * * * * * *

Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless oranges?

How come there is a mailbox in front of the post office?

If we can make semi-conductors, why can't we make complete conductors?

Why go to all the trouble of building a hidden driveway when the highway
department puts up a "Hidden Drive" sign?

How come we can never just rant or just rave? Why do we always have to
do both? It makes me sick and tired.

If a mime fell in the woods, would he make a sound?

Why do radio stations interrupt "60 minutes of uninterrupted music" to
tell you you're listening to 60 minutes of uninterrupted music?

If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down?

What did moths congregate around before light bulbs were invented?

If Dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, why is his hair
always so neatly combed?

Why are America's parks and great outdoors administered by the Department
of the Interior?

Does an invisible ink stain have to be cleaned with invisible spot
remover?

If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box, what color would he be -- clear?

Can you call someone on the otherside of the international date line and
get tomorrow's winning lottery numbers?

Can you really avoid injury in an airplane crash if you jump out when the
plane is just a few feet from the ground?

If you spread butter on a cat's back and dropped the cat, would it land
on its feet?

Why do we use the phrase "recorded earlier"? Is there ANY other time to
record something?
* * * * * * * * *
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very, very
attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use soft hole in tree trunk."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show
you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on
the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer to get a better look,
got an enormous erection and gave her an almighty kick in the
crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to
gasp, "What did you do that for? "Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels."
* * * * * * * * *
What personal ads really mean!

FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not
interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring
myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter
Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Polite.........Says "please" before sticking your head down to his crotch

* * * * * * * * *
The Search For Wild Al's Lost Bollocks

"Wild" Al Kelly _was_ a shock-jock who used to present a show on
Talk Radio UK (1053 and 1089 MW) from 1am until 6am and was
HILARIOUS. Unfortunately, TRUK got scared of the Radio Authority and
sacked Al Kelly because his style was more "adult" in content. Even
adult language has more or less got the boot. Here is one of Wild
Al's finest hours. Apparently Americans don't know what bollocks
are...

OSC: Hello, Chicago Police Department, O'Hare Airport, Oscar
answering.
WAK: Hello, yes, I've just called the Lost and Found and there was a
machine that told me to get into touch with you.
OSC: Yes, sir. What did you lose?
WAK: Erm, I've lost my bollocks. I left my bollocks at Chicago
Airport.
OSC: Err, I'm sorry, sir. What did you lose?
WAK: My _bollocks_. I'm calling from Britain...
OSC: Yes... I'm sorry, I don't know what a "bollock" is.
WAK: B-O-L-L-O-C-K. It's... it's... it's a small... it's... it's a
_medicinal_ thing, it's two balls in a bag and they help my
hand, the arthritis in my hand.
OSC: Oh. OK. No, we've had nothing like that turned in to City Lost
and Found...
WAK: Right.
OSC: ...nor the Chicago Police Department. Where do you believe you
left them, sir?
WAK: Erm, I think it was Terminal Five, I flew out from there.
British Airways.
OSC: OK. If it was turned in by somebody to Terminal Five, like one
of the information counters or something, they _would_ turn it
into us from Terminal Five. We don't have anything turned in
and I currently have nobody out on assignment to pick anything
up. Right about now the terminal is closed down or closing
down. You might want to try back tomorrow to see if it got
turned in overnight.
WAK: Well, I left it there yesterday and I suspect if it hasn't been
found already then my bollocks have been lost.
OSC: Right, if it doesn't come in overnight then it's not going to
come in at all, sir.
WAK: So could you make a note to look out for my bollocks, if they
arrive?
OSC: OK, sir. What is your name?
WAK: Mr Kelly.
OSC: OK, and a phone number you can be reached at?
WAK: That's England. I'm not sure what the international code is.
OSC: I'd have to have all that.
WAK: Hold on, I just have to confer with my friend. (Do you know
what the international code is?) Yes, hold on, it's 011 44 71
636 1089, and if you do find my bollocks then we could get in
touch.
OSC: OK. Now that's, er, you described it was in a bag, you said?
WAK: It's a little pouch...
OSC: It's a pouch?
WAK: It's a pouch.
OSC: Made out of what, sir?
WAK: Out of a leathery material.
OSC: OK, and it contains two balls, er, what does it contain, sir?
WAK: Two bollocks.
OSC: OK, it contains two bollocks... I'm sorry, I have no idea what
you're talking about and I'm trying to visualize it, but I
can't.
WAK: OK, I'll describe it. It's two ball-shaped things.
OSC: OK, they're shaped like a ball, OK. Right, what else was in
there?
WAK: Th-that's it <slowly going to pieces!>.
OSC: OK, right. I'll put this in a note, in a thing if we find it
and we'll get a-hold of you sir, but, as you say, it should
have been turned in, and if it wasn't then I don't think we're
going to be getting it.
WAK: Thank you.
OSC: OK, sir. Good-bye

* * * * * * * * *
WIFE JOKES
> > > My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
> > > Henny Youngman
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > > My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > > I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
> > > George Burns
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > > When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
> > > to let him keep her.
> > > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > > I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
> > > interrupt her.
> > > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > > My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got
> > > myself two girlfriends.
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > > A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
> > > report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife
> > > did.
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > > Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
> > > friends.
> > > You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow
> > > has, You wish you had ordered that.
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > > A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
> > > to get married?"
> > > The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > > Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
> > > doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
> > > Dad: That happens in every country, son.
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > > Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
> > > was until I got married; then it was too late.
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > > A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
> > > The next day he received a hundred letters.
> > > They all said the same : "You can have mine."
> > > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > > A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
> > > millionaire."
> > > And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
> > > A billionaire." she replied,
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > > I've found a woman just like mother"
> > > His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
> > > --------------------------------------------------------
> > > If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
> > > every word you say, talk in your sleep.
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > > I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
> > > Always.
> > > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > > It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It
> > > only seems longer.
> > > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > > Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
> > > They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
> > > ---------------------------------l-------------------------
> > > First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
> > > Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

* * * * * * * * *
Who can understand men?...
>>
>>1. The nice men are ugly.
>>2. The handsome men are not nice.
>>3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
>>4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
>>5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
>>6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money
>>think we are only after their money.
>>7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
>>8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,
>>don't think we are beautiful enough.
>>9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
>>somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
>>10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some
>>money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE >>FIRST
MOVE!!!!
>>11. The men who never make the first move automatically lose
>>interest in us when we take the initiative.
>>
>>NOW....WHO IN THE HECK UNDERSTANDS MEN?
>>
>>Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
>>a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
>>mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

* * * * * * * * *
Product Warnings and Instructions

•I once bought a small calculator that had the following:
WARNING: DO NOT PUT CALCULATOR IN BACK PANTS POCKET - SITTING MY CAUSE THE CALCULATOR TO BREAK. You think?

•I once bought this switch-blade at a gimmick store. When you pushed the button out flipped a sign that said, "Cut!"

•On an iron : Warning! Never iron clothes on the body!

•I recently purchased a vacuum cleaner and two of the cautionary notes were: 1. Do not use to pick up gasoline or flammable liquids 2. Do not use to pick up anything that is currently burning. I'm so glad they let me know!

•We have a box of toothpicks. There is a label on the back that tells you some stuff about them. The funny part is....it tells you that they are hand-polished...by machine.

•I recently bought a package of Corn Dogs. Reading the instructions for cooking, it said, "In Oven: Cook at 357 degrees" Exactly what else on this earth is cooked at 357 degrees? Does that 7 degree difference from 350 make a big difference? I can't tell where 357 IS on my oven!! I cooked them at 350 and they turned out fine.

•Recently while fixing dinner, I happened to read the directions on the back of the fish-sticks that I was about to prepare. They said to bake the fish at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes then remove from oven. Then they said, "CAUTION, FISH MAY BE HOT"........DUH?

•I was at Meijer the other day to buy some new deodorant. Jokingly I picked up some Crystal Rock brand deodorant, and started looking at the label. On the label it says "Smells great! Keeps you dry! Lasts up to one year!" I wonder what idiots out there apply this deodorant on Christmas morning and think they're saving a ton of money by only applying it once a year...

•I once saw a hair color kit that warned on the back, "Do not use as an ice cream topping." Tasty!!!

•I once saw a package of christmas lights that said the following: "Warning! For indoor or outdoor use only!"

•Have you seen the commercial for the Toyota Rav4 where the announcer gleefully says "Fitting in, Shmitting in." Think about that for one moment. The best way not to fit in, according to the Toyota corporation, is to buy a MASS-PRODUCED CAR. Ahh, stupidity at it's finest.

•On a bottle of dog shampoo I saw it said: "CAUTION, THE CONTENTS OF THIS BOTTLE SHOULD NOT BE FED TO FISH."

•I bought a new hair dryer the other day. The warning label said "Do not use in the bathtub." It also said, "Do not use while sleeping." Gee, I always dry my hair when I'm asleep!

•Well, the must famous fruit juice company in Israel sells an 100% pure orange juice. They make it from: 100% pure orange juice, water, food color, taste improvements, etc...

•I live in Australia and have cable TV. The thing that puzzles me is that any help you need with the cable can be found on one of the channels. Now how am I supposed to get help in turning it on, if I can't turn it on?

•I bought a foot massager and the warning on the box read, "Not intended for full body use."

•Last spring I bought a lighter. There were two warnings on the package: 1.) Do not light in face and 2.) Do not expose to flame.

•A buddy at work is an avid hunter. Last fall, I was looking through his equipment and came across a small bottle of liquid. It was a male-deer attractant made out of the urine of female-deer. It plainly said on the front "DOE URINE". On the back, it said, "NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION". He also had a bottle of fox urine, supposedly to cover his scent. I noted that this bottle didn't warn me not to drink. No, I didn't.

•At our summer camp, we have a list of procedures for certain emergencies. One such entry was as follows:
In case of flood - proceed uphill
In case of flash flood - proceed uphill quickly.

•On the bottle of liquid paper it actually says: DO NOT INHALE. Can you imagine the letter that someone had to write to the liquid paper company? "Dear Liquid Paper, I purchased your product and when I sniffed I felt sick. Please warn others!" What's with that???

•When you buy a stereo component and open the box you'll find a bunch of styrofoam thingys for shipping purposes and a warning label that reads: DO NOT EAT What are people thinking?? "Wow I bought a stereo and I got some popcorn too!!"

•I recently bought a file for my chain saw to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain. As I took the file out of the package, I observed this warning on the back: "TURN OFF MOTOR BEFORE USING THIS PRODUCT." I had to do it, too; the chain was turning way too fast for me to keep up...

•I was watching a commercial for Propecia, a pill that says that it can prevent male pattern baldness, and the announcer said "Propecia is for men only." Yet, a few seconds later, the announcer said, "If you are a woman who is pregnant you should not handle any broken tablets." Is it just me or did the announcer forgot that he said that it was for MEN ONLY? It is not made for women's consumption, pregnant or otherwise!

•While taking a national test (ASVAB), I turned to a page that read "BLANK PAGE." Anyone could see the page was blank. However, after they put BLANK PAGE on the page it wasn't blank anymore.

•A clothing store I visited recently was giving away free inflatable picture frames which had measured about a 6 X 10 inches. On the back of the package was a huge warning stating, "NOT TO BE USED AS A PERSONAL FLOATATION DEVICE." I mean, c'mon, 1. Who's small enough to fit on one of those things. 2. IF you were in a water related accident, I very highly doubt someone would attempt to save you by throwing you a picture frame.

•On the side of a box of bottle rockets: "Do not put in mouth."

•I once saw a sign on this chinese medicine that said: Expiration date - 2 years. Why yes, that's very helpful.

•I spent the better part of the Gulf War working in and around the Saudi city of Riyadh. One of the hotels had a fire safety brochure that said, in big red letters on the cover, "In case of fire, please read this." I don't know about you but in the case of a fire the last thing on my mind would be poorly translated literature.

•I was typing up some mailing labels the other day when I noticed that there was a guide sheet with big black lines on it marking where the labels are on the sheet. I don't use it, since I type right on the labels, but the warning caught my eye-- "Do not type on guide sheet because the lines will transfer to the labels in the copier."

•Oil of Olay now claims to be 100% Oil-free.

•I recently bought some cheese singles for sandwiches and got a good laugh. On each individually wrapped slice near the edge of the plastic was printed, "Open Here". I didn't realize that this was such a problem!

•How about the bug spray that claims to "Kill bugs dead?" How else do you kill them?

•My family and I were driving down the freeway when I noticed a sign I'd never seen before. I told my father, who was driving, that the sign was a list of fines for speeding based upon how much over the limit you were caught. He asked me how much the fines were and I replied, "I don't know you were driving too fast!!"

•On the back of a cardboard windshield shade it states, "Please remove before driving."

•This is one of the advertisements on T.V.="The NEW paddymaker is BA

CK." •A while ago this family sued a microwave oven company. Why? Because the microwave didn't say not to put your pets in it and the family's kid put their dog in the microwave to dry and the dog came out dead. I think these people should be sued for being this stupid.

•In my building the fire extinguisher is safety locked. I think the superintendent has the keys!!!

•I recently bought a new CD-rom drive, and in the package there was a note which said: "Do not eat!" in five different languages!

•I was helping my friends hook up his computer one day,and we were installing the mouse while doing this a funny thing came up on the screen,please click the right mouse button. Duh the mouse is not hooked up yet.

•According to a friend, in the instructions to a cordless phone there was the following warning, "Do not put lit candles on phone."

•I bought some fresh milk and it had: ingredients: FRESH MILK No duh fresh milk has fresh milk!

•My sister once bought me a phone for Christmas. Never being one to read the manuals for such items, I decided to take a look. In the instructions it read: "Plug the phone jack into the wall. If the phone rings, pick it up and greet the person on the other end by saying "Hello!" or another such greeting. Once completing your conversation, hang up the phone..." Are these instructions really neccessary?

•On an individual fruit roll up wrapper, there is a warning that says "Remove plastic before eating." My only question is- Would someone really not know to take off the plastic??

•A wind-up baby swing had instructions for taking it apart for storing. Step 1: Remove baby.

•On one of those car commercials it shows a car in the ocean and its saying something about it being a shark. And in small letters it actually says, "Do not drive cars in ocean." What kind of stupid person would try to drive a car in the ocean??
* * * * * * * * *
A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida. With his dummy on his
knees, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde
woman in the audience stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard
enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys
like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
from reaching our full potential!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde
yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little
bastard sitting on your knee!"
* * * * * * * * *
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.  As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.   Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.  Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"  The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."
* * * * * * * * *
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
* * * * * * * * *
A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.

COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???"
COP: "You must come to a full stop at the sign."
GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"
The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy.
COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?"
* * * * * * * * *
Top Twenty Ways to Annoy Your Waiter/Waitress

20. Make them sing the national anthem before presenting the food.

19. Sit in the no-smoking section and put a big stogey in your mouth, but don't light it.

18. Ask for ketchup when dessert arrives.

17. Order the soup de jour, then complain there are not enough jours in it.

16. Ask if the wine is fresh.

15. Ask them to run across the road and get you something cheaper.

14. Use the phrase "al dente" as often as possible, especially when asking for the bill.

13. One word: charades.

12. Tell them the ice cream you ordered is cold.

11. Keep beckoning them over and when they arrive ask for more tim

10. Eight hour lunch; two dollar tip!

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Sucks!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage."

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo."

5. Insist that, before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks back to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna take a leak in the chowder!"

1. Three words: Eat the check!
* * * * * * * * *
VAIN
A person who loves the smell of his own farts
AMIABLE
A person who loves the smell of other people's farts
PROUD
A person who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine
SHY
A person who releases silent farts and then blushes
IMPUDENT
A person who boldly farts out loud and then laughs
UNFORTUNATE
A person who tries awfully hard to fart but poops instead
SCIENTIFIC
A person who farts regularly but is only concerned about pollution
NERVOUS
A person who stops in the middle of his fart
HONEST
A person who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons
DISHONEST
A person who farts and then blames the dog
FOOLISH
A person who suppresses a fart for hours and hours
THRIFTY
A person who has several good farts in reserve
ANTI-SOCIAL
A person who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy
STRATEGIC
A person who conceals his farts with loud coughing
SADISTIC
A person who farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bedmate
INTELLECTUAL
A person who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart
precisely the latest food item consumed
ATHLETIC
A person who farts at the slightest exertion
MISERABLE
A person who would truly love to, but can't fart at all
SENSITIVE
A person who farts and then starts crying

* * AugUst '14 JoKes * *

After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint . . .
you're probably dead.
**************
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no-one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14)What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
**************
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
**************
Your questions answered by a great doctor!!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer ; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
**************
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.

He whispers in her ear, "Iron this... then get me a beer.
**************
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way,
so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
**************
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears as such.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'.
**************
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric socket.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.
*******************
Hey, remember politicians and diapers should be changed often and for the same reason
**************
A Hollywood director was shooting a big budget movie on location in the desert. One day an old Indian came up to him and said, "Tomorrow rain."

And sure enough the next day it rained.

A few days later, the old Indian appeared on set again, sidled up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

And sure enough, the following day there was a fearful storm which brought a temporary halt to filming.

The director was hugely impressed by the old Indian's weather predictions and told his secretary to put the tribesman on the payroll. However, after a number of other successful forecasts, the Indian didn't show for three weeks. Then the director sent for him.

The director said, "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow and I'm relying on you. What is the weather going to be like?"

The old Indian shrugged his shoulders, "Don't know. Radio broken."
**************
Roy was out drinking with his mates and they were discussing sex as usaul. Roy decided that he liked the sound of the wheelbarrow position. When he got home, he started playing around with his very fit looking, blonde partner. After a short while, they were both up for it and Roy says. "Jackie, I'd like us to try out the wheelbarrow position." Jackie says. "The wheelbarrow position? what's that then?" Roy tells her. "You lie face down and I stand between your legs, then I pick you up, stick it in and bingo...awaaay we go." Jackie says. "Sounds great, but promise me one thing." Roy says. "Like what?" Blondie replies. "We don't go past my parents house."
**************
Women Are Such Complex Creatures:

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman,
If you don't you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying,
If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp,
If you don't you are not understanding.

If you visit her often, you are boring,
If you don't she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy,
If you don't, she says you are a dull guy.

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait,
If she is late, she says it is a girls way.

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold,
If you kiss her often, she yells you are taking advantage.

If you talk, she wants you to listen,
If you listen, she wants you to talk.

IN SHORT...
So simple, yet so complex,
So weak, yet so powerful,
So confusing, yet so desirable,
So daming, yet so wonderful... WOMEN !
**************
One Friday night, the police were watching a particularly rowdy Pub for possible trouble makers or drunk drivers. At the usual closing time they saw a fellow stumble out of the doors, trip on the curb and try his remote on five different cars before he found his. Then, he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the Pub and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police were waiting for him. They stopped the driver and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
**************
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration? The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'its a bet. Grandpa removes his
glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye. Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the
bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so
he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The
auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars
that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be
happy about it.'
**************
I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with ' Guess' on it.
I said Thyroid problem?'
**************
Three blondes die in a car wreck and arrive at heaven's gate. St. Peter tells them, "Before I let you in at least one of you must answer this question. What is Easter?
The first says, " Oh, its that holiday where everyone gets together and we pig out on turkey and watch football all day.
Peter says, "No, I didn't say Thanksgiving, I said Easter."
Blonde # 2 says, " I know! Its that other holiday when we pig out again and everyone gets presents!"
Peter, getting a little impatient exclaims,"I DIDN'T SAY CHRISTMAS EITHER - WHAT IS EASTER?"
Blonde #3 says, "I know what it is! Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish Passover."
Peter's ears perk up,"well it sounds like you may really know, continue, why is it celebrated?"
"OK, Jesus died on the cross, they laid His body in a tomb and sealed it with a stone." Peter exclaims, "A MIRACLE, SHE IS GETTING IT RIGHT! OK, dear, what happened then?"
"Once a year they roll the stone away. If Jesus comes out and sees His shadow it means there will be six more weeks of bad weather."
**************
A crowded elevator smell different to midget.
**************
Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon
her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a
cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere,
appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother,
what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
lifesince I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and
after some thoughtful consideration,
she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to
mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold!

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail old body,
and said,"I wish I were young and full of
the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young
man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so
beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly
perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, & held her close
in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close,
blowing her golden hair
with his warm breath
as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
**************
BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife - Do you want me to leave?

Husband - No! Don't even think about it.

Wife - Do you love me?

Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband - No! Why are you even asking?

Wife - Will you kiss me?

Husband - Every chance I get!

Wife - Will you hit me?

Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife - Can I trust you?

Husband - Yes.

Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

* * AugUst '13 JoKes * *

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
*******************
There was this wrestling event between Russia and Britain. Before the match, the British wrestler's trainer gave him some advise. He said, "We have done a lot of research on the Russian and it is found that he is an expert with the 'pretzel' grip. Once he gets his grip, it is nearly impossible to beat him. Just don't let him get you in that grip. If he does, you are a goner."

The British wrestler acknowledged his understanding. The match commenced. Now, to the match: The Briton and the Russian went around in circles, both looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian pounced, capturing the Briton the dreaded pretzel grip!

A crowd went silent, and the trainer shut his eyes for he knew all was lost. He couldn't bear to watch the proceedings.

Suddenly there was a blood curdling scream, and a resounding cheer from the spectators. The trainer opened his eye just in time to see the Russian jumping up in the air. The Russian hit the floor with a thud, and the Briton weakly dropped on top of him, thus winning the match.

The trainer couldn't believe what was happening! He took the British wrestler aside, he asked, "How did you manage to get out of that hold? No one has escaped it before!"

The Briton answered, "I was about to give up when he got me in that grip, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I will give it a try, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit them just as hard as I could.
You have no idea how strong you can get when you bite your own balls!"
*******************
Astro the Astonishing can perform some amazing tricks. He once swallowed a white rabbit and pulled a brown hare out of his butt.
*******************
Two Irish nuns, who have just arrived in the US, are hungry and one says to the other, "I have heard that the Americans actually actually eat dogs."

"That's strange," the other nun replied, "but if we are to live here, might as well do as the Americans do." Agreeing to this, the first nun notices a hot dog vendor and they both decide to have hot dogs.

They ordered for two hot-dogs and as soon as the vendor gave it to them, they hurriedly found a bench to savor the American food. The first nun took out her hot-dog from the foil, stared at it for a while and whispered to the other nun,
"Which part did you get?"

*******************

Miss Prim-and-proper said to her grandmother, "Grandma, you have impressed me today. "

Her grandmother asked, "What did I do to impress you?"

Miss Prim-and-proper replied, "I noticed that you have finally formed the habit of covering your mouth with your hand when you sneeze."

Her grandmother said, "Yes, of course. How else am I supposed to catch my teeth?"
*******************

Miss Dotty Dimm was interested in learning how to sky dive. She approached an extra handsome instructor and started her training. Her extra handsome instructor asked her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord. He then told her that he would himself jump right behind her so that they would sail down together.

Excited at this and all adrenaline up, Dotty Dimm said she was ready to jump. The extra handsome instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. Woooo hooooo, thinking of the extra handsome instructor soon to catch her in the cloads, Dotty Dimm jumped from the plane, and after being airborne for a while, pulled the rip cord. The instructor jumped after her. He pulled his rip cord but there was some snag and the parachute did not open. The instructor, furiously tried to open his parachute and while trying to do so, rushed past Dotty Dimm. Dotty Dimm seeing her extra handsome instructor speeding past her, undid the straps to her parachute and shouted, "Yippy handsome ... So you are in the mood to race, huh?"
*******************
Many people do not understand how we ran out of oil here in the United States.
The answer's quite simple - nobody checked the oil.
While all the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Arkansas, Colorado and Alaska, all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C

*******************

Dave arrives home early from work and found his best mate Tony in bed with his wife.
In a fit of rage, he dragged Tony down to his garden shed, put his knob in the vice and removed the handle after tightening it up.
In a state of fear Tony cries, "You're not going to cut my knob off Dave are you?".
Dave replies, "No, .... I'M not ... I'm just setting fire to the shed".
*******************
Paddy was working on a construction 10 floors up.
When they stopped for lunch and got their sarnies out, one of the crew asked Paddy what he had. Paddy replied in disgust, "fuckin' jam sandwiches.. again. That's all she ever does for me, fuckin jam sandwiches. If I see another fuckin' jam sandwich, I swear I'll top meself."

Next day, they stopped for lunch again and Paddy opened his lunchbox. "AGHHH!" he screamed. "Fuckin' jam sandwiches again." Throws down his lunchbox and takes a header off the 10th.

At the inquest, the Coroner asked Paddy's missus if he was depressed, or upset about anything that morning before leaving for work.

"No, he was really happy" she answered. "In fact he was so happy, he even made his own sandwich"
*******************

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been
with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth
records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as
having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than
you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing
regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using
mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student,
only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that
they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to
administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents
when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap,
launched a lawsuit and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. *******************
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency.

*******************

A lady is running out of luck at the roulette table in a casino. She is left with only $500 and is absolutely desperate. She cries out, "This is the heights of bad luck! What in heaven's name should I do now?"

A gentleman standing next to her, tries to console her and says, "Why don't you just play your age?"

He goes away but in a short while, he hears some commotion and walks back to the roulette table. He is surprised to see the lady lying unconscious on the floor, while a crowd had gathered around her.

He asks the operator, "What happened to her? Is she ok?"

The operator replies, "I have no idea sir, she put all her money on 28. When 37 showed up, she just fainted!"
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There are these two women from the trailer park who are having a conversation.

One asks the other, "How's the husband doing?"

The other replies, "He is possibly dead."

The first woman asks, "What do you mean..possibly dead?"

The second woman answers, "Well, the love making is the same but he hasn't done any work on the Harley in the last 10 days!"
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Hollywood divorces

It is customary in Hollywood to get married early in the morning. It helps in the sense if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.

The most difficult thing in Hollywood is to keep the marriage a secret until the news of the divorce leaks out.

A Hollywood kid felt very proud. The reason - at the last Parent-Teachers meeting, she was given a prize for having the most parents there.

One Hollywood actress is known to be very sentimental: she is very particular about always getting divorced in the dress her mother was married in.
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Then there was this medical convention where three surgeons met during a coffee break. They were chatting about different operations on different kind of people.

First surgeon: “I prefer Chinese. They have what it takes and their bodies are perfect.”

Second surgeon: “I like Vietnamese. They are so small and delicate that you have to have steady hands, else the incision is big. It’s a challenge to operate on them.”

Third surgeon: “You are both novices. You don’t know about lawyers. They are my favorite because when you open them, they have no heart and they don’t have a spine. Also their heads and butts can be swapped.”
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Teacher asks the kids what they would like to be when they grow up....

"Little Harry: "I want to be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take my best bird with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million quid , an apartment in the South of France , a mansion in Rome , a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

And you, Susie?

" I want to be Harry's Bird miss....."
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Who was the greatest prostitute in History??
Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents the bitch swallowed balls till she died!!
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Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 person is reading jokes.

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