Funny Jokes

The government today announced that it is changing its symbol for Parliament to a CONDOM, because it more accurately

reflects the government's political stance....

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense

of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
**************
A woman visited a pet shop looking to maybe buy a parrot, she immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said £30.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."
***************
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and was generally bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, clapping and cheering!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family, son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
***************
A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of the Ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says,"Ok, there's a .303 Rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the Bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."

"Boss?... You there, Boss?
**************
An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident...
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

As the prayer progresses, she dwells on a thought she's had for some time and decides to ask him about it.

Then the little girl decides to ask "What would a million dollars be like to you?"

So, getting a clever idea, the girl says "Zeus, may I have one of your dollars?"

>
> Well, its shit ... that's right, shit!
>
> Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
>
> You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.
>
> Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shinola.
>
> There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
>
> You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).
>
> You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
>
> You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
>
> Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
>
> Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.
>
> You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
>
> You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
>
> Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
>
> When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
>
> And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
>
> You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so, if you don't give a shit!
>
> Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without any shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........
>
> Well, Shit Happens!!!
**************
Illegal Parking.
Eddie went out to do a bit of shopping and he was only in the shop for a few minutes. When he came out of the shop, there was a copper writing out a parking ticket. The car was on a double yellow line.
Eddie approached the officer and said smiling, 'Come on mate..give a pensioner a break, I was only away a minute.'
The copper muttered 'I'm not your mate,' just carried on writing out the parking ticket and completely ignored Eddie's plea. Eddie, rather angry at being so openly ignored, called the copper, 'A goose-stepping Nazi arsehole.'
The copper glared at Eddie and started writing another parking ticket, this time for having an illegal tyre. Eddie called him a 'neo fascist dick'. The plod finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen alongside the first. Then he started writing a third ticket for a tiny chip in the windscreen! This went on for about twenty minutes and a small crowd had gathered cheering Eddie on.
The more Eddie insulted him, the more tickets the red faced plod wrote out and slapped on the windscreen... It started to get covered and the crowd were jeering at the copper, so he called for backup.
Eddie quickly disappeared and the crowd dispersed.
Eddie couldn't have cared less, pensioners need to have a bit of fun sometimes.
He was still laughing as he opened his car door in the multi-storey car park.
**************
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
**************
It Was a Dark - and - Stormy Night.

Mr Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes.

A small, hunch-backed man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!......The Hills are alive with the sound of music" !!!!!
**************
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around, looking for valuables when a voice whispered in the dark ...

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

'Moses?' the burglar sniggered. 'What kind of fucking idiot would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of fucking idiot that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
**************
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discounts.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.
**************
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.
In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part,
she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise, that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.

I was SO... bullied at school, called all kinds of foul and cruel names.
But one day I turned to my bullies, I stood up to them ... like Dad told me to
and I shouted at them ...
'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me',
and it worked !!!!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
* * * * * * *
God said,
"Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said,
"Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said,
"Go down into that valley."
Adam said,
"What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said,
"Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said,
"Go over to the hill...."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

God explained to Adam what a cave was,

Then God said,
"In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said,
'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else,
God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley,
across the river,
and over the hill,
into the cave,
and finds the woman

"What's a
headache?"
* * * * * * *
The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the ***** thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

* * * * * * *
Subject: The gates of heaven

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying 'I've got 40
travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys. Go back to the gates and tell
them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let a
dozen in

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.
'They've gone', he tells God.

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But this cartoonist explained it very eloquently

* * * * * * *
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

O'Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, O'Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
* * * * * * *
Carmon and Bill, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Carmon didn't show up. Bill didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..

But after Carmon hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bill really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bill didn't know where Carmon lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bill figured he had seen the last of Carmon, but one day,

Bill approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Carmon! Bill was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Carmon, what in the world happened to you?'

Carmon replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bill. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Carmon said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Bill, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
* * * * * * *
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been longtime close friends.But, being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.

Mrs. Murphy said, "Don't be holdin' back , Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch, we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Murphy said, "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."
* * * * * * *
Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife Ros and I
went into Lismore and visited a shop.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an asshole . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Ros called him a shit head. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

It's important at our age.
* * * * * * *
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
* * * * * * *
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

'No!' Donald quacked, 'I'll thuffocate.'
* * * * * * *
A FEW IRISH JOKES

The Irish have solved their fuel shortage problems. They imported 50 Million
Tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own Oil.

****

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for
A pint of milk and never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he
Said 'not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff'.

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my
Wife. They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said "I
Know, but she has a lovely personality.

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going
To commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed
Herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought what the heck
Soldier on..!

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his
Feet. "What are you doing" he asks. "Hanging myself", Paddy replies. "It
Should be round your neck" says the guard. "I tried that" says paddy
"but I couldn't breathe".

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house - Paddy picks up
A nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing
This until Murphy says "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because
They're upside down!" says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy "Save
'em for the ceiling!!".

Any Send us anything FUNNY!! please email them for everyone to share

A big "thankyou" to everyone who has sent me the above jokes!

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