PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGES
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INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY
say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds
every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
There was this wrestling event between Russia and Britain. Before the
match, the British wrestler's trainer gave him some advise. He said, "We
have done a lot of research on the Russian and it is found that he is
an expert with the 'pretzel' grip. Once he gets his grip, it is nearly
impossible to beat him. Just don't let him get you in that grip. If he
does, you are a goner."
The British wrestler acknowledged his understanding. The match commenced.
Now, to the match: The Briton and the Russian went around in circles,
both looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian pounced, capturing
the Briton the dreaded pretzel grip!
A crowd went silent,
and the trainer shut his eyes for he knew all was lost. He couldn't bear
to watch the proceedings.
Suddenly there was
a blood curdling scream, and a resounding cheer from the spectators. The
trainer opened his eye just in time to see the Russian jumping up in the
air. The Russian hit the floor with a thud, and the Briton weakly dropped
on top of him, thus winning the match.
The trainer couldn't
believe what was happening! He took the British wrestler aside, he asked,
"How did you manage to get out of that hold? No one has escaped it
The Briton answered,
"I was about to give up when he got me in that grip, but at the last
moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of
my face. I thought I will give it a try, so with my last ounce of strength
I stretched out my neck and bit them just as hard as I could.
You have no idea how strong you can get when you bite your own balls!"
Astro the Astonishing can perform some amazing tricks. He once swallowed
a white rabbit and pulled a brown hare out of his butt.
Two Irish nuns, who have just arrived in the US, are hungry and one says
to the other, "I have heard that the Americans actually actually
the other nun replied, "but if we are to live here, might as well
do as the Americans do." Agreeing to this, the first nun notices
a hot dog vendor and they both decide to have hot dogs.
They ordered for
two hot-dogs and as soon as the vendor gave it to them, they hurriedly
found a bench to savor the American food. The first nun took out her hot-dog
from the foil, stared at it for a while and whispered to the other nun,
"Which part did you get?"
Miss Prim-and-proper said to her grandmother, "Grandma, you have
impressed me today. "
Her grandmother asked,
"What did I do to impress you?"
replied, "I noticed that you have finally formed the habit of covering
your mouth with your hand when you sneeze."
Her grandmother said,
"Yes, of course. How else am I supposed to catch my teeth?"
Miss Dotty Dimm was interested in learning how to sky dive. She approached
an extra handsome instructor and started her training. Her extra handsome
instructor asked her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord. He
then told her that he would himself jump right behind her so that they
would sail down together.
Excited at this and
all adrenaline up, Dotty Dimm said she was ready to jump. The extra handsome
instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. Woooo hooooo,
thinking of the extra handsome instructor soon to catch her in the cloads,
Dotty Dimm jumped from the plane, and after being airborne for a while,
pulled the rip cord. The instructor jumped after her. He pulled his rip
cord but there was some snag and the parachute did not open. The instructor,
furiously tried to open his parachute and while trying to do so, rushed
past Dotty Dimm. Dotty Dimm seeing her extra handsome instructor speeding
past her, undid the straps to her parachute and shouted, "Yippy handsome
... So you are in the mood to race, huh?"
people do not understand how we ran out of oil here in the United States.
answer's quite simple - nobody checked the oil.
While all the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Arkansas, Colorado
and Alaska, all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C
home early from work and found his best mate Tony in bed with his wife.
In a fit of rage, he dragged Tony down to his garden shed, put his knob
in the vice and removed the handle after tightening it up.
In a state of fear Tony cries, "You're not going to cut my knob off
Dave are you?".
Dave replies, "No, .... I'M not ... I'm just setting fire to the
Paddy was working on a construction 10 floors up.
When they stopped for lunch and got their sarnies out, one of the crew
asked Paddy what he had. Paddy replied in disgust, "fuckin' jam sandwiches..
again. That's all she ever does for me, fuckin jam sandwiches. If I see
another fuckin' jam sandwich, I swear I'll top meself."
Next day, they stopped
for lunch again and Paddy opened his lunchbox. "AGHHH!" he screamed.
"Fuckin' jam sandwiches again." Throws down his lunchbox and
takes a header off the 10th.
At the inquest, the
Coroner asked Paddy's missus if he was depressed, or upset about anything
that morning before leaving for work.
"No, he was
really happy" she answered. "In fact he was so happy, he even
made his own sandwich"
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his
records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered
having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to
come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived
by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than
you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began
to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing
regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with
harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using
mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly
only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost
ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that
they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even
further when schools were required to get parental consent to
administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform
when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost
the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took
a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally
gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap,
launched a lawsuit and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was
preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by
his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended
his funeral because so few realized he was gone. *******************
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency.
A lady is running out of luck at the roulette table in a casino. She is
left with only $500 and is absolutely desperate. She cries out, "This
is the heights of bad luck! What in heaven's name should I do now?"
A gentleman standing
next to her, tries to console her and says, "Why don't you just play
He goes away but
in a short while, he hears some commotion and walks back to the roulette
table. He is surprised to see the lady lying unconscious on the floor,
while a crowd had gathered around her.
He asks the operator,
"What happened to her? Is she ok?"
The operator replies,
"I have no idea sir, she put all her money on 28. When 37 showed
up, she just fainted!"
There are these two women from the trailer park who are having a conversation.
One asks the other,
"How's the husband doing?"
The other replies,
"He is possibly dead."
The first woman asks,
"What do you mean..possibly dead?"
The second woman
answers, "Well, the love making is the same but he hasn't done any
work on the Harley in the last 10 days!"
It is customary in
Hollywood to get married early in the morning. It helps in the sense if
it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.
The most difficult
thing in Hollywood is to keep the marriage a secret until the news of
the divorce leaks out.
A Hollywood kid felt
very proud. The reason - at the last Parent-Teachers meeting, she was
given a prize for having the most parents there.
One Hollywood actress
is known to be very sentimental: she is very particular about always getting
divorced in the dress her mother was married in.
Then there was this medical convention where three surgeons met during
a coffee break. They were chatting about different operations on different
kind of people.
First surgeon: I
prefer Chinese. They have what it takes and their bodies are perfect.
Second surgeon: I
like Vietnamese. They are so small and delicate that you have to have
steady hands, else the incision is big. Its a challenge to operate
Third surgeon: You
are both novices. You dont know about lawyers. They are my favorite
because when you open them, they have no heart and they dont have
a spine. Also their heads and butts can be swapped.
asks the kids what they would like to be when they grow up....
"I want to be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take
my best bird with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million quid , an
apartment in the South of France , a mansion in Rome , a jet to travel
through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times
The teacher, shocked,
and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides
not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
And you, Susie?
" I want to
be Harry's Bird miss....."
Who was the greatest prostitute in History??
Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents the bitch swallowed balls till she died!!
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 person is reading jokes.
government today announced that it is changing its symbol for Parliament
to a CONDOM, because it more accurately
reflects the government's political stance....
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense
of security while you're actually being screwed!
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
A woman visited a pet shop looking to maybe buy a parrot, she immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said £30.00.
"Why so little?"
she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house
of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.."
The woman thought
about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home
and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say
The bird looked around
the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit
shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so
When her two teenage
daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New
house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the
woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the
woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one
little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts,
and was generally bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate,
because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little'
sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings
and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted
me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total
shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come
up and get me.'
I was stunned and
frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a
moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door
and ran straight for my car.
Lo and behold, my
entire future family was standing outside, clapping and cheering!
With tears in his
eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you
have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family, son.'
And the moral of
this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.
"Boss, I gotta
helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute. The pig's OK, but he's
stuck in the bullbars at the front of the Ute and is wriggling and squealing
so much I can't get him out."
The manager says,"Ok,
there's a .303 Rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head
and you'll be able to remove him."
Five minutes later
the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said Boss. Took the 303,
shot the pig in the head and removed him from the Bull-bars. No problem
there, but I still can't go on".
the problem?" raged the Manager.
it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top
of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my
existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit
creation to cosmic accident...
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
as a believer?"
The atheist looked
directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask
you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR
'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped
his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
'For what I am about
to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'
A little Greek girl is kneeling down to pray to the god Zeus.
As the prayer progresses,
she dwells on a thought she's had for some time and decides to ask him
she asks "What would a million years to us feel like to you?"
Zeus says "A
million years is like a second to me."
Then the little girl
decides to ask "What would a million dollars be like to you?"
Zeus answers "A
million dollars is like a penny to me."
So, getting a clever
idea, the girl says "Zeus, may I have one of your dollars?"
To which Zeus replies
"Just give me
> THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
> Well, its shit ... that's right, shit!
> Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
> You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget
shit and tell others to eat shit.
> Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shinola.
> There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull
shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
> You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck
when the shit hits the fan).
> You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
> You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
> Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and
some days are just plain shitty.
> Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there
are times when you feel like shit.
> You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the
wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
> You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up
shit creek without a paddle.
> Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you
fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
> When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building
block of the English language.
> And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything
> You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so, if you
don't give a shit!
> Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that
I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without any shit. But, if
you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........
> Well, Shit Happens!!!
Eddie went out to do a bit of shopping and he was only in the shop for
a few minutes. When he came out of the shop, there was a copper writing
out a parking ticket. The car was on a double yellow line.
Eddie approached the officer and said smiling, 'Come on mate..give a pensioner
a break, I was only away a minute.'
The copper muttered 'I'm not your mate,' just carried on writing out the
parking ticket and completely ignored Eddie's plea. Eddie, rather angry
at being so openly ignored, called the copper, 'A goose-stepping Nazi
The copper glared at Eddie and started writing another parking ticket,
this time for having an illegal tyre. Eddie called him a 'neo fascist
dick'. The plod finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen
alongside the first. Then he started writing a third ticket for a tiny
chip in the windscreen! This went on for about twenty minutes and a small
crowd had gathered cheering Eddie on.
The more Eddie insulted him, the more tickets the red faced plod wrote
out and slapped on the windscreen... It started to get covered and the
crowd were jeering at the copper, so he called for backup.
Eddie quickly disappeared and the crowd dispersed.
Eddie couldn't have cared less, pensioners need to have a bit of fun sometimes.
He was still laughing as he opened his car door in the multi-storey car
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared
offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist
was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave
her his name.
In a very loud voice,
the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE
THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look
at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud
voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
It Was a Dark - and - Stormy Night.
Mr Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it
happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a
rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could
barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of
control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves
and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob
shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger
seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the
rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After
a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming
from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes.
A small, hunch-backed
man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob
Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and
my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a
doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes
down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I
am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles
to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will
see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following
closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from
exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are
serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly,
but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the
steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here
that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost
haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement,
and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the
haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise,
marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!......The Hills are alive with the sound of music"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around, looking
for valuables when a voice whispered in the dark ...
'Pssssst! Jesus knows
He nearly jumped
out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing
more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he spotted
some silverware, clear as a bell he heard ...
'Jesus is watching
Freaked out, he shined
his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner
of the room, his torch beam came to rest upon a parrot.
'Did you say that?'
he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot
confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching
The burglar relaxed.
'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' said the
'Moses?' the burglar
sniggered. 'What kind of fucking idiot would name a bird Moses?'
The parrot replied.....
'The kind of fucking
idiot that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean
View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson,
the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant,
because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band
was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the
group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally,
they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were
good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't
be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant,
because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had
10 years later, the
group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally,
they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were
reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened
(in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your
10 years later, the
group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally,
they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting
was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discounts.
10 years later, the
group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally,
they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was
not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
10 years later, the
group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally,
they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never
been there before.
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.
In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling
very badly that she had laughed at the man's part,
she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry,"
she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse
and a lady, I promise, that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems
to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
100's of FUNNYJOKES
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PICS ~~~ JOKE
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