PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGES
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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * ApRiL '13 JoKes * *

Paddy borrowed a porn video from Murphy O'Leary. He switched his video player on and sat down with much anticipation as MO reckoned it was the best he'd seen in years.
After 5 minutes Paddy phoned MO…

PADDY… "What's good about this video, it's just an old fat grey haired bloke, sat on a settee in the dark, playing with himself?"
MO… "Have you switched the TV on?"
PADDY… "Oops!"
* * * * * * * * *
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
* * * * * * * * *
Just put the wife's washing away and was surprised what I found hidden at the back of her knicker drawer. A bull whip, fishnet stockings, a pair of thigh length leather boots, a leather bra with studs on and a pair of leather panties.

After 30 years of marriage and I had no idea my wife is .. a super hero.
* * * * * * * * *
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, "I think I'm going to have that."
* * * * * * * * *
Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ:
1. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
2. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
3. Those who don't have it think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
4. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
5. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.
7. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
8. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
* * * * * * * * *
I had the lead in a trivia competition at a local Pub until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer. Trick question.. or what !!??
* * * * * * * * *
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "WOW .... What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
* * * * * * * * *
A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her "What sizes do you need?"

She replies "15 inches."

He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?" She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room. It's for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not have curtains."

The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... dumb or what..... doh ... I've got Windows!"
* * * * * * * * *
A blonde texts her b/f saying that she doesn't understand what IDK means, and wondering if he understood what it meant.

He replied back saying "I don't know"

She texted other friends the same question

The blonde texts her b/f back and says "OMG NOBODY DOES!!!!!!!"
* * * * * * * * *
Why do men like blonde jokes?
Because they can understand them.
* * * * * * * * *
A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks. "What's wrong, lad?' The boy says, "Me Ma died this morning, Sir." The man says, "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?" The boy replies, "No tanks, Mister. Sex is the last ting on me mind at the moment."
* * * * * * * * *
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1. Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometers since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3. 15 minutes later, pay bill leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
•Oil Change: $40.00
•Coffee: $2.00
•Total: $42.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2. Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under caravan.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
17. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
18. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
19. Dump first liter of fresh oil into engine.
20. Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first liter of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
25. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
26. Begin swearing fit.
27. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower car from jack stands.
34. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive car.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Car is impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
•Parts: $50.00
•DUI: $2500.00
•Impound fee: $75.00
•Bail: $1500.00
•Beer: $40.00
•Total: $4,185.00
But you know the job was done right!
* * * * * * * * *
Stats
Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms.
Men say "Big deal. We can fake a whole relationship just for a shag".
* * * * * * * * *
There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''
* * * * * * * * *
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
* * * * * * * * *
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's nursing it the monkey runs wild: he jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what did that stupid shit do this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table," says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little shit because he's been driving me nuts," replies the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is nursing his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it," says the barkeeper.

"Well, what did you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
* * * * * * * * *
A man staggered into the casualty department of a hospital, he had severe concussion, two black eyes, multiple bruising and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him "What happened to you?"

The man managed to croak..."Well, my wife and I were having a quiet round of golf, we were playing the eighth..., a difficult hole at the best of times....., anyway, we both sliced our balls into a field full of cattle. We went to look for them and as we were walking round, I noticed that one of the cows had something white at it's rear end. I went over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's initials on it....stuck right in the centre of the cow's f***y.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife "Hey this looks like yours! "

I don't remember much after that..
* * * * * * * * *
Scientists have long been curious about why no penguin corpses are found on the ice pack. What happens to their bodies when they die?

The mystery has now been solved.

It turns out that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family, generally mates for life, and usually maintains contact with its offspring throughout its life.

When a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, members of the family and social circle dig a hole in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then they kick him in the ice hole.
* * * * * * * * *
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

•A "don't remind me again" button.
•Minimize button.
•Ability to delete the "headache" file
•An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 versions without loss of other system resources.
•An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first; otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

Virus Alert
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!
* * * * * * * * *
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One ... men will screw anything.

AND

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?

He's breathing.

* * ApRiL '12 JoKes * *

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car...
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
"We can’t tell you because you're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone...

The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby...
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,

silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to be at the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob,
and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.
It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight....
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk
* * * * * * * * *
Pat and Mick had a great night out, spent all their money and missed the last bus home.
No money for a taxi, so they set out to walk home.
Along the road, they came to the by now dark bus depot.
"Hey Mick", says Pat, "I think we could take a bus and drive all the way home. Look, you stay and keep watch and I'll go and get a bus".
Pat was in the depot for ages and Mick called in, "Pat, for God's sake man, why are ye taking so long."
Mick called back, "I can't find a number 19".
"For f***s sake, man", replied Pat, "Just bring a number 14 and we'll get of at the roundabout and walk the rest".
* * * * * * * * *
A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, Do you know what I am doing?

Yes, she replied, You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.

That s right, said the doctor.. He then began to fondle her breasts. Do you know what I am doing now? he asked.

Yes, she said, You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.

Correct, replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, Do you know what I am doing now?

Yes, she said, You’re getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place.
* * * * * * * * *
A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the white line down the middle of the road. He was sceptical about hiring her but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road.

He set her up with her equipment and paint and got her started.

After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that she did a great job and how pleased he was with her progress.

On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.

On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem.

"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road and now, on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road.

Can I ask you, what is the problem?"

Well, she replied, "I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can."
* * * * * * * * *
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'.

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better And takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, Opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'.

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says,
'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.
* * * * * * * * *
>True Story
>On the Mobile - one to remember
>You know how irritating mobile phone users are when they fail to
exercise discretion and think the world needs to know their business?
When you have enjoyed as much as you can stand ... you can now get your own back !

>After a busy day I settled down on the bus from Sydney. I try to nap

>as far as my destination at Maroubra. This chap sitting near me

>hauls out his mobile and starts up:- "Hi darling it's me Mark, I'm on

>The bus - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had an
important meeting - NO, not with that floozy from the office pool, with the
boss.

>No darling you're the only one in my life - YES, I'm sure, love you
my Babe" etc., etc. This was still going on at Bronte, when the young

lady opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her
voice, "Hey, Mark, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!".
* * * * * * * * *
Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Ryan dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love as always
your only son
Johnnie
* * * * * * * * *
While in China , an American man is very sexually
promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire
time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he
wakes one morning to find his penis covered with
bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the
doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've
contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here in the US, we know
very little about it"

The man looks a little perplexed and says,
"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up,
Doc"

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known
cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis"

The man screams in horror. "Absolutely not!
I want a second opinion!!!

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice,
go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only
option"

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese
doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the
disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims. "Ah! yes, Mongolian VD. It is a
vewy ware disease"

The guy says to the doctor." Yeah, yeah,
I already know that, but what can we do?
My American doctor wants to cut off my penis"!

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
"Stupid American docttah, always want opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need amputate"!

"Oh, thank God"! the man exclaims.

"Yes" says the Chinese doctor.
"Wait two week. It faw off by itself"
* * * * * * * * *
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."
* * * * * * * * *
IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'Nooo, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Ipswich , Qld.
* * * * * * * * *

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.
* * * * * * * * *

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown , Sydney .....
* * * * * * * * *

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened in Elizabeth S.A.
* * * * * * * * *

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red..
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.
* * * * * * * * *

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

STAY ALERT! They walk among us...
* * * * * * * * *
TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR

Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't
help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland ....'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in
Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street
did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old
central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So
did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other
woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good
luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you
believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 meself!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down,
and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking
his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.
* * * * * * * * *
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
*******
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
*******
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
*******
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
*******
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
*******
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
*******
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
*******
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
*******
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .” Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
*******
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”
*******
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
*******
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
*******
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
*******
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.
*******
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
*******
The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
*******
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing
*******
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
*******
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
*******
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked
*******
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service
* * * * * * * * *
>>>> The Banana Test…
>>>>
>>>> Don't scroll past the animals until you have decided upon your answer ...
>>>>
>>>> The Banana Test
>>>> There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
>>>> A Lion , A Chimp , A Giraffe ,
>>>> ......AND...
>>>>
>>>> A Squirrel
>>>> They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
>>>>
>>>> Who do you guess will win?
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Your answer will reflect your personality.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> So think carefully . . ..
>>>> Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got your answer?
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Now scroll down to see the analysis.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> :
>>>> :
>>>> :
>>>> :
>>>> :
>>>> :
>>>> :
>>>> :
>>>> :
>>>> :
>>>> :
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> If your answer is:
>>>>
>>>> Lion = you're dull.
>>>> Chimpanzee = you're dense.
>>>> Giraffe = you're a complete moron.
>>>> Squirrel = you're hopeless.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>



>>>> A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
* * * * * * * * *
Old Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their vicar to stand with them. As the vicar stood next to the bed, Old Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The vicar lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The vicar thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Twat, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *