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* * ApRiL '17 JoKes * *

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank.
He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly coloured one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs,
then stormed outside and killed the peacock.
* * * * * * * * *

A young couple took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitations, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small pen*s.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”

“Just take two,” the mother replied. “The rest are for your father.
* * * * * * * * *

“I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud,
so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After 3 or 4 of songs, I felt much better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me….
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.”
* * * * * * * * *
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 .. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . . . ....

You're coming empty handed?"
* * * * * * * * *
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
* * * * * * * * *
A guy needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order for it to go, he would say “Thank God” and for it to stop he would have to say “Amen”.

So the guy went, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. A few hours later, he woke up and was going off the edge of a cliff. So he shouted “Amen!” and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.

“Whew,” he said. “Thank God.”
* * * * * * * * *
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
* * * * * * * * *
PADDY... "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have both of them."
"Three," ? ... suggested Shaun.
* * * * * * * * *
Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."
* * * * * * * * *
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

* * * * * * * * *
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
My son was born on St George’s Day,“ commented the English man.
"So we obviously decided to call him George” “That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot.
“My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.”
“That’s incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman.
"Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake”

* * * * * * * * *
Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?
A: "Cheap, cheap!"
* * * * * * * * *
Of course women don’t work as hard as men…
They get it right the first time.

What do you call a man that lost all of his intelligence?
A widow.

How can you tell if a man is lying?
You can see his lips moving.

Men are like…..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Why do men need sports action replays 30 seconds after the event?
Because they’ve forgotten what happened.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Why did God create man first?
Because he needed a rough working model before creating the perfect specimen of the species.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
“My wife says….”

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Men are like…..Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like…..Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Why did god invent men?
Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.

What’s a man’s idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
* * * * * * * * *
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline
and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl
who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is so thrilled,
"This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
* * * * * * * * *
Scientists have long been curious about why no penguin corpses are found on the ice pack. What happens to their bodies when they die?

The mystery has now been solved.

It turns out that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family, generally mates for life, and usually maintains contact with its offspring throughout its life.

When a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, members of the family and social circle dig a hole in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then they kick him in the ice hole.
* * * * * * * * *
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

•A "don't remind me again" button.
•Minimize button.
•Ability to delete the "headache" file
•An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 versions without loss of other system resources.
•An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first; otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

Virus Alert
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!
* * * * * * * * *
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.
Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!”
The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse.
“Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language

* * * * * * * * *

Q. Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A. Because the farmer had cold hands.

* * * * * * * * *
ApRiL '16 JoKes * *

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet.
He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio.
He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees.
He admits, "I had kneesles, too."
Finally, he pulls off his boxers.
In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"
The was a man named George who got a new job.
His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday.
They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning.
George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00.
He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there,
but he may be 10 minutes late again.
He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late,
and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this,
and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late.
You never are.
Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed,
and always win. What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife.
If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed.
If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned,
''What happens if she is laying on her back?''
George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!
Q: What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?
A: Grandpa.
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke.
The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.

The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.

The group is silent for a moment.

The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Did you hear the one about the good-looking teenage girl
who went on a fishing trip with six old men?
She came home with a red snapper.
After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.

The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Big enough to fit a Camel."
Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?
A. Because he was pissed off!
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"and you missed the f**king putt?" sighed the Priest.
Q: Why is 77 better than 69?
A: You get eight more
Microsoft's Latest Venture
News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.
At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One precaution is that the user must be sure they have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic that "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

* * * * * * * * *
* * ApRiL '15 JoKes * *

Some magic moments from various TV & Radio quizzes
& you thought the people on jay Leno's walkabout were dumb?

> Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
> Contestant: Homosexuals.
> Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
> Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
> Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
> Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
> Contestant: Leicester .
> Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
> Contestant: I don't know.
> White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your
> hand and your elbow?
> Contestant: Arm.
> White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
> Contestant: Strong.
> White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
> Contestant: Louis.
> White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the
> song What A Wonderful World?
> Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
> Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
> Contestant: France
> Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
> Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
> Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country
> is the Parthenon?
> Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
> Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
> Contestant: Paris
> Anne Robinson: - Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
> written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
> Contestant: The Conservative Party.
> DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
> Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
> Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
> Contestant: Goosey?
> GWR FM ( Bristol )
> Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
> Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
> Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about
> pensioners: Last Of The...?
> Caller: Mohicans.
> Phil: What's 11 squared?
> Contestant: I don't know.
> Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
> Contestant: Is it five?
> Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
> A: Forrest Gump.
> Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
> Contestant: Er. . .
> Leslie: He makes bread . . .
> Contestant: Er . ...
> Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
> Contestant: Kipling Street ?
> Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
> Contestant: Barcelona
> Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
> Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
> Question: What is the world's largest continent?
> Contestant: The Pacific
> Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
> famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
> Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
> Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
> Contestant: Magna Carta?
> O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
> Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER? ER
> .... Three?
> Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
> Caller: Japan
> Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
> that, I can let you try again.
> Caller: Er .... Mexico ?
> Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
> Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
> Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
> Contestant: Holland ?
> Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
> Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
> Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
> Contestant: No.
> Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
> Contestant: Er. .. .
> Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
> Contestant: Blimey?
> Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of r
> un . . .
> Contestant: (Silence)
> Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
> Contestant: Walked?
> Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
> sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
> Contestant: Nostalgia.
> Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
> Contestant: Jewish.
> Presenter: That's close enough.
> Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
> character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
> Contestant: Jesus

* * * * * * * * *
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
* * * * * * * * *
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you - you’ve broken your finger!”
* * * * * * * * *
What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
* * * * * * * * *
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”

Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give ‘love’ and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for nonsense…”

Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?”

God said, “An arm and a leg…”

Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”
* * * * * * * * *
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
* * * * * * * * *
Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
* * * * * * * * *
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George’s Day,” commented the English man. “So we obviously decided to call him George” “That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot. “My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.”
"That’s incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
* * * * * * * * *
Why do Farts stink?
A: So that Deaf people can enjoy them too.
* * * * * * * * *
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl , with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'
* * * * * * * * *
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
* * * * * * * * *
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet
* * * * * * * * *
Thoughts from 25-35 year olds

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and I instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
* * * * * * * * *
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.
* * * * * * * * *
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These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
* * * * * * * * *
An old prospector……
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- and just never wanted to.' A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don't waste ammunition. 2. Don't mess with old people
* * * * * * * * *
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ApRiL '14 JoKes * *

Paddy borrowed a porn video from Murphy O'Leary. He switched his video player on and sat down with much anticipation as MO reckoned it was the best he'd seen in years.
After 5 minutes Paddy phoned MO…

PADDY… "What's good about this video, it's just an old fat grey haired bloke, sat on a settee in the dark, playing with himself?"
MO… "Have you switched the TV on?"
PADDY… "Oops!"

* * * * * * * * *
Just put the wife's washing away and was surprised what I found hidden at the back of her knicker drawer. A bull whip, fishnet stockings, a pair of thigh length leather boots, a leather bra with studs on and a pair of leather panties.

After 30 years of marriage and I had no idea my wife is .. a super hero.
* * * * * * * * *
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, "I think I'm going to have that."
* * * * * * * * *
Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ:
1. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
2. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
3. Those who don't have it think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
4. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
5. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.
7. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
8. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
* * * * * * * * *
I had the lead in a trivia competition at a local Pub until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer. Trick question.. or what !!??
* * * * * * * * *
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "WOW .... What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
* * * * * * * * *

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her "What sizes do you need?"

She replies "15 inches."

He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?" She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room. It's for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not have curtains."

The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... dumb or what..... doh ... I've got Windows!"
* * * * * * * * *
A blonde texts her b/f saying that she doesn't understand what IDK means, and wondering if he understood what it meant.

He replied back saying "I don't know"

She texted other friends the same question

The blonde texts her b/f back and says "OMG NOBODY DOES!!!!!!!"
* * * * * * * * *
Why do men like blonde jokes?
Because they can understand them.
* * * * * * * * *
A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks. "What's wrong, lad?' The boy says, "Me Ma died this morning, Sir." The man says, "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?" The boy replies, "No tanks, Mister. Sex is the last ting on me mind at the moment."
* * * * * * * * *
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1. Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometers since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3. 15 minutes later, pay bill leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
•Oil Change: $40.00
•Coffee: $2.00
•Total: $42.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2. Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under caravan.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
17. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
18. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
19. Dump first liter of fresh oil into engine.
20. Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first liter of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
25. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
26. Begin swearing fit.
27. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower car from jack stands.
34. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive car.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Car is impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
•Parts: $50.00
•DUI: $2500.00
•Impound fee: $75.00
•Bail: $1500.00
•Beer: $40.00
•Total: $4,185.00
But you know the job was done right!
* * * * * * * * *
Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms.
Men say "Big deal. We can fake a whole relationship just for a shag".
* * * * * * * * *
There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''
* * * * * * * * *
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
* * * * * * * * *
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's nursing it the monkey runs wild: he jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what did that stupid shit do this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table," says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little shit because he's been driving me nuts," replies the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is nursing his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it," says the barkeeper.

"Well, what did you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
* * * * * * * * *
A man staggered into the casualty department of a hospital, he had severe concussion, two black eyes, multiple bruising and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him "What happened to you?"

The man managed to croak..."Well, my wife and I were having a quiet round of golf, we were playing the eighth..., a difficult hole at the best of times....., anyway, we both sliced our balls into a field full of cattle. We went to look for them and as we were walking round, I noticed that one of the cows had something white at it's rear end. I went over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's initials on it....stuck right in the centre of the cow's f***y.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife "Hey this looks like yours! "

I don't remember much after that..
* * * * * * * * *
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One ... men will screw anything.


How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?

He's breathing.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

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