* * ApRiL '10 JoKes * *

An old priest lay dying in a Hospital in London . He had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital for many years. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
'Yes, Father?' said the nurse.
'I would really like to see Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling before I die', whispered the priest.
'I'll see what I can do, Father', replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to number 10 and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they drove to the hospital, Brown commented to Darling, 'I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected.'
Darling agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brown's hand in his right hand and Darling's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Gordon Brown spoke: 'Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?'
The old priest slowly replied, 'I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
'Amen', said Brown.
'Amen', said Darling.
The old priest continued: 'Jesus Christ our saviour died between two lying thieving bastards and I would like to do the same...’
* * * * * * *
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said....

'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said,
'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch'
* * * * * * *
2009 Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That' s right; these are awards
for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylva nia was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a
large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more....

Double hand scratching after this one..

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into
the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvan ia because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to
people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching....

* SECOND PLACE *

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000.....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
* * * * * * *
If Mum's have Mother's Day, and Dad's have Father's Day.
What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday!
* * * * * * *
Confucius Says:

Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in Glasshouse
should change clothes in Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no humor!!!
* * * * * * *
Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
* * * * * * *
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you!" asks the husband.

>

>

>


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk
* * * * * * *
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it
means to be British?". Some of the emails are hilariou,s but this is one
from a chap in Switzerland ...
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian
beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab onthe way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a JapaneseTV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign ".
* * * * * * *
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
* * * * * * *
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!
* * * * * * *
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only
aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the
backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with
his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and
chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through
the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and
splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy. The rich man said,
"Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."
"How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it,"
answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"
Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in the Pool.
* * * * * * *
What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"
* * * * * * *
A herd can only move as fast as the slowest animal,
and when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine
that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
* * * * * * *
The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
* * * * * * *
New Inventions by Blondes
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat
* * * * * * *
I wonder if there really are people who actually get into the shower
and then then the water on!!
* * * * * * *
School Attitudes 1977 vs. School 2009

Scenario 1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2009 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles phones with evidence of fight are confiscated. Both are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Mobile phone video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario 2: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and never disrupts the class again.
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Jeffrey drops out of school.

Scenario 3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normally, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist convinces Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark brings cigarettes to school .
1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammed fails GCSE English.
1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2009 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally, insisting that making English a requirement in school is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2009 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly with American airlines ever again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during playtime and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy; becomes gay.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * ApRiL '09JoKes * *

· The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration? The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'its a bet. Grandpa removes his
glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye. Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the
bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so
he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The
auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars
that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be
happy about it.'
* * * * * * *

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify
the flavours by their colour:

Red....................... Cherry
Yellow.................. Lemon
Green................... Lime
Orange................ Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them,
none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes

* * * * * * *
Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis.
After a few spliffs they run out of gear.
One of the men stands up and says, 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.'

Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up, mixes in some tobacco and rolls the result into a spliff.

On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag.
Within seconds he passes out.
Ten minutes go by and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to hospital.

On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care.
The doctor returns to his friends and asks, 'So what was he doing then? Cannabis?'
'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'
'Oh' replies the doctor, 'so what did you put in it?'

'Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'

The doctor sighs, 'Well that explains it.
'Why, what's wrong with him?' demands one of the men.

The doctor replies, 'He's in a korma.'
* * * * * * *
Three blonds die in a car wreck and arrive at heaven's gate. St. Peter tells them, "Before I let you in at least one of you must answer this question. What is Easter?
The first says, " Oh, its that holiday where everyone gets together and we pig out on turkey and watch football all day.
Peter says, "No, I didn't say Thanksgiving, I said Easter."
Blond # 2 says, " I know! Its that other holiday when we pig out again and everyone gets presents!"
Peter, getting a little impatient exclaims,"I DIDN'T SAY CHRISTMAS EITHER - WHAT IS EASTER?"
Blond #3 says, "I know what it is! Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish Passover."
Peter's ears perk up,"well it sounds like you may really know, continue, why is it celebrated?"
"OK, Jesus died on the cross, they laid His body in a tomb and sealed it with a stone." Peter exclaims, "A MIRACLE, SHE IS GETTING IT RIGHT! OK, dear, what happened then?"
"Once a year they roll the stone away. If Jesus comes out and sees His shadow it means there will be six more weeks of bad weather."
* * * * * * *
A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own % ucking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End
* * * * * * *
A Northern Territory farm hand, radios back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of the Ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says,"Ok, there's a .303 Rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the Bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".

"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."

"... You there, Boss?"
* * * * * * *
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being one of the
fastest guns in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the
old-timer, bought him a drink and told him that his great
ambition was to be a fast gun.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot
the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.
'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in
a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed
the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over
to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,'
said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Doc Holliday gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and mebbe it won't hurt as much.
* * * * * * *
To Hell with UK's Human Rights and PC Brigade. Do it this way.

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son being here is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey shit.'

6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
* * * * * * *

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . ... .. .

(scroll down)

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
* * * * * * *
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird".
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my todger around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The man looks at the £200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20. Just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hardon and fell off my perch!"
* * * * * * *
London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense

> Interesting and sadly rather true.
>
> 'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
>
> Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
>
> His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
>
> Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
>
> It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
>
> Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
>
> Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
>
> Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
>
> Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing
* * * * * * *
At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit
> the books of a synagogue.
>
> While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
>
> "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
>
> What do you do with the candle drippings?"
>
> "Good question", noted the Rabbi.
>
> "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers,
>
> and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.
>
> "Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
>
> unusual question had a practical answer.
>
> But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
>
> "What about all these biscuit purchases?
>
> What do you do with the crumbs?"
>
> "Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was
>
> trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
>
> "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers,
>
> and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
>
> "I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
> the know-it-all Rabbi.
>
> "Well, Rabbi", he went on,
> "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from
>
> the circumcisions you perform?
>
> "Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.
> "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS,
>
> and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
* * * * * * *
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a fantastic looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the aroma was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

"Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! We call that dish Cojones de Toro or bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A true delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am very sorry Senor. We have only one serving a day because we have only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order. That evening they served him the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he asked for the waiter and, "These are delicious, but they are so much smaller than what you served yesterday."

Shrugging, the waiter said, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."