A PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGE . . ENJOY

. . .YOU . MAYBE . A . REDNECK ... IF...

Your dog passes gas and you claim it

Your dog is attached to the same chain as your wallet

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to pee on

You can entertain yourself for more then an hour with a fly swatter

you own a home that is mobile and fourteen cars that are not.

You've ever stolen toilet paper

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center

There's an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall

you have more car parts in your living room floor then on your car.

your told you have something on your tooth and you take them out to see what it is!

You've ever been pumping gas and another costumer asks you to check their oil

You think the bud bowl is real

You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the pampers box means how much the diaper will hold

You think the nutcracker is something you did off the highdive

You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time

you call your wife....Sis!!!!!

you call your hubby ....Cuz!!

when a relative on their death bed shouts "Hey ya'll...watch this!"

you go to a sperm bank for the movies

you go to family reunions to pick up chicks

Your chili's secret ingrediant comes from the bait shop

Turning on your lights involves pulling a string

You have a refridgerator just for beer

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy

Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture!

Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The tail-light covers of your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.

You're an expert on worm beds.

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

Your family tree does not fork.

The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your wedding was held in the delivery room.

Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.

Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over

You pick your teeth from a catalog.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event

Your kids call your sister, mom.

You call the police because you think your child is hooked on phonics.

You ever tried to drown a fish.

You stopped watching the academy awards because "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

Your truck costs more than your house.

you wonder why your sun tan has gone after a bath

The only condiment on the kitchen table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.

You think harass is two words.

You have two first names.

You mow the lawn and find a car.

the only teeth you have are on your comb.

your wife and sister are the same person.

you and your grandma fight over the last pinch of Copenhagen.

you dont go to family reunions because your whole family lives in the same house.

you get a tatoo on your butt that says flammable

your wife has more chins than arms

your kid ever ask whether you want to be called dad or uncle

you leave your fly down for cooling purposes

your son is up on the water tower spray painting your daughters name.

you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it says concentrate

you get married 3 times and still have the same reletives.

you play "Sweet home alabama" on your touch tone phone.

your first buy for your truck is a gun rack.

your family recipe is illegal.

your dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.

the only way to start your truck is by having to pop up the hood.

you need a screwdriver to open your truck from both the inside and out.

You have tires in your house and blocks under your car.

you don't remember who's your mom your sister or your grandma

You think trash T.V. is something in your backyard

you have a pissing for distance contest and your grandma wins

You might be redneck if you have ever played in a fart contest.

Probably more redneck if you begged to be the fart.

Even more redneck if your momma won the game.

and finally you must be redneck if you understand this!!!

REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION

Plez compleet this paper, best ya'll can.
Last name: ____________________________
First name:
[ ] Billy-Bob [ ] Bobby-Sue
[ ] Billy-Joe [ ] Bobby-Jo
[ ] Billy-Ray [ ] Bobby-Ann
[ ] Billy-Sue [ ] Bobby-Lee
[ ] Billy-Mae [ ] Bobby-Ellen
[ ] Billy-Jack [ ] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [ ]M [ ]F [ ]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[ ] Farmer [ ] Mechanic
[ ] Hair Dresser [ ] Waitress
[ ] Un-employed [ ] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: _____________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: ______________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[ ] Sister [ ] Aunt
[ ] Brother [ ] Uncle
[ ] Mother [ ] Son
[ ] Father [ ] Daughter
[ ] Cousin [ ] Pet (grandparents dont count)
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: _______
Number of children that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: _______________________ (Relation__________)
Father's Name: _______________________ (Relation__________)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major?
[ ] 5th grade [ ] 6th grade
Do you [ ] own or [ ] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ?
[ ] Yes [ ] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[ ] Yes [ ] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[ ] The National Enquirer [ ] The Globe
[ ] TV Guide [ ] Soap Opera Digest
[ ] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
___ Do you hunt Bear? If so, please do not explain
How often do you bathe:
[ ] Weekly
[ ] Monthly
[ ] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[ ] Yellow [ ] Brownish-Yellow
[ ] Brown [ ] Black
[ ] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[ ] Red-Man [ ] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[ ] 1 mile
[ ] 2 miles
[ ] don’t know
Distance between mobile home and Bubba's House of Beer ? ___
How many times has you received a DWI this year?____

Many thanks to Brad - Wichita, USA; Melissa - NJ, USA; Eddie - IL, USA for many of the above!! ... told you I'd make a page!!